What is love?

by elenity

Sugi entered the room and found Ryu wasn’t there. He stood for some minutes at the doorway, looking at the empty space in front of him. Where was Ryu? He had always been home when he returned late at night after having some drinks with the friends.

Sugi closed his eyes and remembered each time –hundreds of them- he had come back home to find Ryu waiting for him, sometimes still awaken, others asleep.

Ryu, dressed in his blue and white pyjamas, sitting at the sofa and reading the last issue of SHOXX, raising his eyes at the sound of a key at the door and then running onto him.

Ryu, lying asleep in bed, his little body curled up around the pillow, his ear-long hair spreading all over his forehead and eyes, his chest raising and falling sweetly with the rythm of his breathing.

Sugi walked towards the bed and sat there, his fingers lightly touching the place where Ryu would have been sleeping. He then sighed and with his eyes closed he fell backwards onto the bed, feeling as if all the world was dead. There was no other living being but himself and Ryu- and where was he?

He shivered and crossed tight his arms over his chest. Ryu… He blinked and, for the first time in his life, realized how much he needed his presence, the feeling of his tiny body being next to him, of listening to his breath while sleeping, of just knowing he would be there for him…

But Ryu was not there anymore.

Sugi rolled and with the corner of his eye saw a blue post-it note hanging on the wall next to the bed. His hand reached out for it.

what is love?

why am i asking you that?

you never said you loved me, you still never say it… will you ever?

because… what is love?

can you answer this question?

do it, please, do it for me

~Ryuichi

Sugi stared at the note wide eyed. The dizzyness of the too many beers was quickly passing away and opening the door for the darkest feelings.

Ryu had left the house –their house. How much time had they been living there? Weeks? Months? Years, most likely. He didn’t remember exactely, but now that Ryu had left it seemed they had been together only a few minutes, seconds. Too little time…

But in fact they had been together for so long…

Ryu had left the house, yes, but Ryu had also left HIM.

He curled up around the pillow in a Ryu gesture and thought about Ryu’s words.

~what is love?

"What is love? I don’t know. I even wonder if love does really exist as a feeling. I have never loved, I’m sure about that. I have not loved any of the chicks I have dated during all these years, nor have I any of the boys. I haven’t even loved Luna’s mother. How could Sugihara, Sugizo, Sugi, The Walking Porn, let such an earthly feeling overcome his godly senses? No, love doesn’t exist, at least not for me.

And Ryu…

Ryu is just my lover.

Why do I feel so cold now?"

~why am i asking you that?

"Why should I know why are you asking me that, Ryu? Maybe you don’t even know yourself the answer… Well, if you want to know what is love, then you have to love. Do you love, Ryu? Have you ever loved? You have been with so many girls… if love does exist, then you surely have had to feel it at least once. What was the name of that tart you were a year with? I don’t remember, but you were really crazy about her. Did you love her? Don’t ask me these questions, Ryu, you have to answer them yourself.

And I really wonder what was on your mind when you wrote this note for me…

I don’t understand, Ryu. I wish you were here to explain that for me…

But… wait a moment… Ryu, could it be that _you_ love me?

So then you do have to know what love is.

And I don’t understand why do you still ask me…

…do you really love me?"

~you never said you loved me, you still never say it… will you ever?

"I already said I have never loved, so why should I ever tell you? You want me to tell you? You want me to speak these words out for you? Is that what you want from me, Ryu?

Or maybe you just want me to think about what is love. I don’t know. But I can tell you what is to miss somebody. I miss your body next to mine. I miss your eyes staring at me from the other side of the coach. I miss your laugh. I miss your breath. I miss you, Ryu.

Do you miss me now, wherever you may be? My heart aches, do I feel this hurt because of you? Is this the punishment for missing you so much? Are you feeling the same intense drowning of your feelings? Don’t miss me, Ryu. It’s too painful.

Heh, am I saying this? Am I, The Walking Porn, concerned about my lover’s feelings? I should laugh at the sole thought…

But I do not want to laugh.

Why?

Tell me, Ryu, why do I feel so miserable?

And, why am I asking you that?"

~because… what is love?

"I don’t know, but I miss you. And this pain tells me you feel the same hurt. Have I hurt you? Please forgive me.

Are you looking at me now, Ryu? Here I am, saying to you words I never thought I could say to nobody. I have never cared about people around me, but now I see I care for you. To care for somebody…

You always told me you cared for me, that was the reason why you stayed awaken waiting for me to come back home late at night.

Now I care for you, Ryu. Where are you now… alone, just like me… and Venus in the morning.

So if you cared for me, that means I have a part in your heart, haven’t I? At least, you told me that your heart was mine. I’m remebering so many things you have told me during all these years, things I’ve never payed attention to, and now I regret it. I see they are important, I can feel their weight, I guess how you should have been feeling in order to tell me all that.

You loved me, didn’t you, Ryu?"

~can you answer this question?

"I already told you I can’t answer this question…"

~do it, please, do it for me

"Ok, Ryu, I’ll try to find and answer. I want you to come back to me, and I guess this is the only chance I have to get you back into my arms… I’ll answer this for you."

Sugi left the bed and looked for his keys, which where lying on the floor next to the bed, and while he placed them in his leather pant’s pocket, he ran out of the house.

It was raining, a cold weather embraced the atmosphere and a little bit of fog drawned the city in a depressive season of mists. Sugi ran down the streets, trying to get to the beach –to _their_ spot on the beach- before the sun would rise. Then it would be to late. The darkness, together with the cold and fog, made his heart ache even more.

Finally, he arrived to the beach. Despite the rain, the sea was calm and the sweet waves died in the seashore with a longing moan. A rock stand in the middle of the beach, its pitch dark silhouette rising against the lightly moonlit sky like a misterious castle, and on its peak, a slim figure shivering at the freezing night air.

Sugi left the road and stepped into the beach, his now bare feet tasting the soft wet sand beneath them. He approached the rock and silently walked until he faced Ryu.

He was crying.

"Do it, please, Sugi, answer it for me…"

The sight of Ryu’s tears making their way down his pale cheeks broke Sugi’s heart.

"Ryu…I missed you so much when I entered home and you weren’t there… And I didn’t know where you could be, just in the last moment it came to my mind this place. I was afraid you would never come back to me, and I feared you could have been hurt…"

"I can take care of myself, Sugi-"

"I know, Ryu, but would you please just listen to me? I mean, you have always cared for me, although I have been so blind it took me all these years to notice… You always waited for me, always did everything for me… and what did I give you back?"

"Sugi…"

"Nothing, that’s what I gave you back. I care for you, Ryu, now I see it. And because I care for you, my heart has been aching so much since I read your note… You were there, and suddenly you left, and my heart felt empty, alone, broken… because of you, Ryu, because I wanted you to be next to me, I wanted to hear you moving under the sheets at night, I wanted to hear you calling my name, I wanted to look into your eyes again and admit what that bright shine in them meant, I wanted to hold you in my arms again and never let you go…"

"Ok, Sugi, but you still didn’t answer my question"

"What is love? I don’t know, Ryu. The Walking Porn has never loved, I think this feeling doesn’t even exist, so I cannot answer that question"

They stood silent for a while, Sugi standing and Ryu sitting on the peak, looking into each other’s eyes, unaware of the cold rain soaking them to the bone.

Finally, Ryu lowered his face, shivering, embracing himself with his frozen arms, and tried to hold tears back.

Sugi ducked, took Ryu’s face gently in his hand and closed his eyes.

"But, Ryu, if love does exist… then love has to be what I feel for you"

Ryu reached for Sugi’s hand and squeezed it, a bright smile lightening his face in the night. Sugi took a step forward, lifted Ryu and put his arms around him, feeling their bodies together through the soaken cloth. Not wanting to let him go, he helped him get down the rock and both walked towards home.

~OWARI 1.30am 07/19/99

hey people, a short ficcie for you. hope you liked it, though i know it’s kinda strange. i wasn’t thinking about writing a fic, but… well, my best friend has some problems which are making him feel like shit (today i had to take out of his head the idea of suicide -_-‘), and i have been during two whole days thinking and thinking about him and about his problems and how could i help him… and i concluded i cannot help him, at least not as much as i wanted. i was beginning to feel a little bit mad about all of this and just wanted to put my mind into another thing, so i wrote this. hope it makes at least a little bit of sense…

i made a happy ending (that’s strange talking about me…)

i go to bed now, hope i can get some sleep

elenity#

(life’s so terrible sometimes… luckily i have my dear clones to comfort me tonight *hentai grin*)

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