The Pictures of my Heart ~part 3~
by elenity
Gackt opened his eyes and found himself in an unknown room. Bits of the previous night danced in his head. "Where am I?", he asked, not knowing if somebody would answer back.
"How’re you feeling?", a voice asked from the other side of the room.
Gackt sat up on the bed where he was lying and saw Yoshiki sitting on a chair. "Yoshiki… ", he took a look around him and the remembrances of the the house whithout pictures on its walls came to his mind. "How did I get here?"
"I went out for a walk in the rain and I found your body lying on the floor".
"Oh, I see". He stirred uneasy. "Uhm… Yoshiki, how do I look like?"
Yoshiki stared at him. "How do you look like?"
"Yes, I mean… my hair, my face…", he touched his short hair and his lips. The blue was there no more.
"Well, you look okay". Yoshiki didn’t get the point, "But…", he cut his words and made his brain function. Gackt was sitting on his bed, he had touched his lips and was now staring at his clean hand. When he had found him some hours ago in the street, his lips were painted in blue, but it looked like he had wanted that blue to disappear. Blue… And his hair had been cut in a somewhat careless way. Suddenly, a picture of Malice Mizer came to his mind and mixed up with the events in his house about a week ago. He then understood.
"Gackt"
"Uh?", he still glared at his hand.
"Do you want me to dye your hair?"
"Dye my hair?", Gackt repeated. He blinked while his hand ran through his hair unconciously. "Why are you asking me that?"
"When you want to forget something, the best thing is to wipe away all that ties you with the past. Believe me"
"The past… ", a veil fell upon Gackt’s eyes and his mind went blank.
"The hair of my demon prince dolly has to be dark brown", Mana said while hugging him from behind. "Do you like that color?"
A tear found his way on Gackt’s skin. Yoshiki stood up, approached the bed and sat next to his guest. He laid an arm upon Gackt’s shoulders. "Come with me, let’s go to the bathroom".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
While the bleach made its effect on Gackt’s hair, Yoshiki rummaged through a drawer and chose one of the small boxes. "Do you like this paprika red?", he asked, showing the image in the front part of the box to the other man.
"Any color would do", Gackt replied, "Green, blue or even pink"
Yoshiki’s expression darkened for a moment. "No, not ANY color…", he closed his eyes and tried to regain his composture, "Not pink…"
The photo of Yoshiki and Hide appeared before his eyes and he knew he had hurt the older man. "Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…"
"Don’t be sorry", Yoshiki cut him with a sad smile. "Do you see? I am trying to help you fight your demons, but I can’t fight against my own ones". He put the dye on the floor and prepared to rinse thoroughly Gackt’s hair.
"Do you mean Hide?". Gackt didn’t know if that was the best moment for that question, but he had to ask it. "Is Hide your demon?". The warm water fell over his head and Yoshiki’s fingers ran through the hair.
A few moments of silence.
"Yes, he is"
"I though after all this time you would have been able to forget him"
"Well, I wasn’t"
"You could not", Gackt carefully asked, "or you wanted not?"
"I told you I know what’s the best to wipe away your memories, didn’t I?", he waited for Gackt to nod. "And I perfectly know what should I do to begin a new life. In fact, every morning I say to myself I am going to do it, but… ". The water stopped and Yoshiki reached for the dye.
"You don’t want to forget him, do you?"
"The question now is if you DO want to forget him", Yoshiki asked back after some seconds.
"I thought I had already". Gackt looked at the dye and then at his image in the mirror. "I want, yes I do".
"Then let’s do it".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
""Do you want another glass of wine?". Yoshiki didn’t wait for a reply, he just refilled the other man’s glass.
"Yoshiki?"
"Yes?"
Gackt’s lips were red with wine. He slipped his tongue over them and spoke: "May I play your piano?"
Yoshiki saw a well-known shine in his eyes, he himself had had it many times when X were still alive. That meant power, inner energy to create. "Of course"
The red-haired vocalist stood up and walked towards the black piano. He lifted the lid, sat down, closed his eyes and let his heart pound the blood which made his fingers play the melody his feelings sung.
After some minutes of rapture, Gackt opened his eyes and knew he had played the music for two of the songs which would be in his cd. He lifted his hands and turned around to face Yoshiki, but he was not sitting on the sofa. A warm body sat next to him on the small stool.
"Now it’s my time to let my feelings fly free", Yoshiki whispered, trying to hide his tears, giving shape to the song which would close that cd.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Clad in grey and with his short red hair falling over his eyes, Gackt sat on the floor in a corner of the studio. His manager and all the studio staff were listening to the definitive demo cd he had just finished recording. The first song was still "Mizérable", but "Dove" and "Voulez Vous" had dissapeared, as well as Cindy and Mana.
"Do you really want to put _this_ as the other three songs in your cd?", his manager asked in astonishment.
"Any problem?", Gackt asked.
"No, but…"
"But?"
"Well, you know…", the man tried to find the right words between the melancholic piano of the last song, "We thought it was going to be more… pop"
"I changed my mind"
"May I ask you why?"
"I want to be true to my fans", Gackt stood up and listened for a moment to the piano. Yoshiki had composed that melody, and Yoshiki’s performance would be the one in the cd, although for everybody else Gakuto Camui would be the player. "This music is the true reflection of my heart", he took a cigarette and lit it, "I don’t care if it sells or not. I just want to put my heart into this cd"
His manager sighed and rolled his eyes. "Ok then, as you want". He saw Gackt walking towards the exit door. "Oh, and remember the photo session would take place tomorrow at 8 am!"
Gackt stopped after opening the door. "In the same place of the first time?", he asked.
"Yes", his manager confirmed. "Don’t be late"
"I won’t".
"Yes, yes, I know you won’t, but I tell you just in case", he pressed the play button again to listen to *what* his now red-haired boy wanted to put in his cd. "We can’t postpone it any longer. Remember we are going back to Japan tomorrow afternoon"
"Ok, I’ll be there".
He opened the door and left the studio. That was going to be his last night there before going to Japan. He took his cell phone and dialed the number he had dialed the most in the last weeks.
"Yoshiki? It’s me Gackt. What about going out tonight? Yes? Ok then, see you at the same bar again".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"What are you going to drink?", Gackt asked, "I’ll have a whiskey"
"Me too".
They sat on a dark table and waited for their drinks. About two minutes later, the waiter approached their table with two glass of whiskey on a tray. "Here you have"
"Thank you", both said at the same time.
"So you finally finished recording your album?", Yoshiki asked.
"Yes, this evening", he took a sip, "My manager is mad about it, he says he wants something more pop"
"Managers and producers are always the same. The best is to be your own manager, or at least to have somebody who respects you and your work".
"That’s something difficult". Gackt looked at Yoshiki. His brown hair caressed his round features and gave him a beautiful look. The wrinkles seemed to have faded away a little since he first saw him, or maybe it was just that he had got used to seeing his face. Anyway, he still looked tired, sad, worn out. He knew the reason of his sadness and he wish he could do something to soothe the hurt. Gackt felt a pain at the bottom of his heart. He grabbed his glass and took a lond swig to drawn his pain in alcohol.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Don’t you think you have drunk too much so far?", Yoshiki lifted amused an eyebrow as he saw his friend’s stupid smile spreading over his lips.
"Maybe I did", Gackt answered, spreading his smile even more.
"C’mon, let’s go home. I’ll take you in my car"
"Will you?", Gackt reached for his glass again and downed it in one gulp, "But I don’t want to go home now. Why don’t we go to your home and play piano until tomorrow in the morning?"
"Do you really mean that? Ok then, let’s go". He helped Gackt to stand up and headed for the door. He sat him in the car and drove home.
"We arrived", he had no reply from his companion. "Gackt, are you ok?
"I was only thinking", he opened the door and stepped outside.
"What about?", Yoshiki closed the car and took his keys out of his pocket.
Gackt walked to Yoshiki’s side and stopped just in front of him, his eyes looking elsewhere. "Tomorrow afternoon I’m going back to Japan"
Yoshiki tried to meet his eyes, but he found no response. The keys were silent in his hand.
<oh, please, tell me to stay here, tell me not to go away, oh please, please, PLEASE>
"So this is our last night together", Yoshiki sighed.
<no, no, no, don’t say that, please, tell me to stay with you…>
"I wish you good luck with your debut album"
Gackt directed his eyes right into Yoshiki’s and grabbed the older man’s shoulders.. "No, no, no, don’t say that, please…"
Yoshiki could feel the anguish in his eyes and voice. "Gackt…"
No other word came out of his mouth. Gackt pressed his lips against his’ and hugged him. He was shivering, and crying. Yoshiki didn’t move, didn’t reply, didn’t kiss back. He just stood there and waited for the other man to loosen his grasp.
Gackt felt the stiffness of the body under his arms. "Yoshiki…", he fell to the floor, his arms still hugging his legs, "Yoshiki, please, tell me not to go, please, tell me to stay with you forever…"
Yoshiki lifted his head and felt raindrops falling down. He breathed deeply and ducked. "Gackt", he said in a weak voice, rising the red-haired man’s head to face his eyes, "Look at me".
"Yoshiki…", his eyes were filled with tears.
"Gackt, I told you to face your demons, but not to face me. I’m not your demon, so don’t try to make me say what Mana didn’t say to you".
Gackt closed his eyes, the tears now running freely down his cheeks. "Yoshiki, I really mean it", he grabbed him tighter, "If I can’t stay, then come with me to Japan".
Yoshiki opened his eyes.
"You also have to face your demons", Gackt reproached him with accusing eyes. "Don’t tell me you don’t want to do it, you HAVE to. Go rip that photo were you are with Hide and come with me! He is dead, Yoshiki. He is not going to come back to you", while he spoke these words out, Gackt knew Yoshiki would never change his mind. "He will never come back to you…"
Yoshiki let his wet hair cover his teary eyes. "I can’t, Gackt", he said, his voice broken. "I promised myself I would never love again. And I can’t love you. Please, go away now. I want to keep my promise. If I tell you to stay… If I go with you…", he touched Gackt’s cheek with his right hand, "Go away, Gackt. Please"
Gackt lifted his left hand and reached for Yoshiki’s. He held the touch for a moment, then stood up and walked away. "I love you, Yoshiki", he tried to make his voice sound nice, happy, but he miserably failed. He narrowed his eyes and felt his heart break. "Goodbye"
Yoshiki remained there, at the same spot, feeling the rain upon his skin, wishing it would wash away all the hurt he was feeling.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Oh, you arrived!", his manager shouted when he heard Gackt’s platforms tapping on the floor. "I thought you overslept again".
"I didn’t sleep at all".
"Gackt, are you ok?"
"It depends on what you consider ok", he said sharply.
He changed his clothes and prepared for the photo session. The camera flashed again and again.
"Why don’t you smile at least in one photo, Gackt?", his manager asked while looking at some polaroids. "Your fans won’t like to see you with this painful expression. Lighten up, Gakuto Camui! Your eyes look so sad…"
"Like the music in the cd, these pictures are the true reflection of my heart", he closed his eyes for a moment and waited as Yoshiki’s image formed in his mind. "I don’t want to lie to my fans. Here they have the pictures of my heart".
~owari~
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