The Pictures of my Heart ~part 1~
by elenity
"Gackt, remember I love you", Cindy said to his new husband. That day she had her blond hair untied, which made her pale face and blue eyes look more beautiful than ever surrounded by that golden ringlets.
"You know you don’t need to say that", Gackt smiled, that beautiful smile of his, "I already know". He leaned forward and kissed passionately his wife.
"Come on, Gackt!", the manager shouted, "When we finish this photo session, all the photos for your cd will be made and so you can concentrate only in finishing the songs".
"Will you smile for me?", Cindy asked.
"Forever", Gackt answered with another kiss in his cheek and walked to the place where the photographer was waiting.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Here, have them all and take a look", Gackt’s manager handed him all the photos he had been taken in that week, "Now you have to choose the ones you want for the booklet".
Gackt took the photos and started looking at them. "I will decide later, because first I want to finish the nine songs. Then I will chose the ones which go better with the lyrics, is that ok?"
"Of course", the manager patted him, "You still have three months time to make all you want".
Cindy leaned on Gackt’s shoulder and took a look at the photos. She picked up one where Gackt was standing in a kind of desert, all clad in black, his long brown hair caressing his face. "Oh, you really look so happy in all the photos, but in this one I just love your smile".
"My smile is only for you. When I’m happy, that is always reflected in everything I make", he eyed his wife and took her arm, "Now let’s go home, I want you to hear again the song I’m working on now".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Gackt approached the cd player and put in the minicd with "Mizérable"’s demo. The song began to fill the room and both sat on the sofa.
"I feel like dancing", Cindy said when she heard the beginning.
"Then dance if you will, I’ll watch you".
"Did I say to you I love the energy the chorus shows?", she asked just before the chorus began, "Mowaru, mowaru…"
"You told me a thousand times". But Cindy was listening to Gackt no more. She was dancing and singing, although she had no idea what the Japanese words meant. Gackt had translated them for her, but he was sure she did not remember a word so far. Cindy, such a beautiful girl… and she was his wife. Many men had wanted Cindy to marry them, but she had chosen him. He was a lucky man.
He leaned backwards on the sofa and let his head drop so he could look at the ceiling. Then he closed his eyes and mentally replayed the music he was writing for another song.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"So what do you think about that?", Gackt asked after all people in the studio had listened to the new song he had composed, called "Dove". "Could it also be a single?"
"Sure!", his manager shouted, "I even like it more than the first one. I mean, it is quicker and more pop. People are going to love that…"
"Gakuto Camui?", a clerk asked opening the door.
"Yes?"
"You are Gakuto Camui?", he asked again. He saw Gackt nod so he continued, "You have a phone call. Come with me, please".
-A phone call?- Gackt thought. Who could be calling him to the studio and not to his cell phone? Cindy? His family? Some friend? No, impossible, all of them had his personal number, so why would they call to the studio?
"Here you have", the clerk handed him the phone and left Gackt alone in a small dark room.
He heard nothing on the other side of the phone, so he spoke, "Yes?".
"Mmmh, anata wa gakuto san desu ka", a Japanese voice asked.
"Hai!", he automatically answered in the same language, "Ano… who am I talking to?"
"I was sure you won’t recognize me", the voice said, "People never recognize me because of my voice, but I’m sure you will if I just… oh, wait a minute".
Gackt heard the person walking and opening a door, then sitting somewhere and opening something which he heard like a wooden box.
"Listen", the voice ordered.
A piano melody came through the phone. He had heard that, of course he had, that piano… ta-ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta-taaa---ta-ta-ta…
"Hayashi Yoshiki?"
"Hai"
"How -", he couldn’t finish the sentence.
"I read somewhere that you came to the United States to record your new album, so I found out in which studio were you recording and called you. How’re things?"
"Pretty good", Gackt said, his heart pounding as it always did when he spoke about the songs he was composing. "It is going to be a 9-song album. I already recorded 2 of them, but all the others are already in my mind"
"Do you think I could listen to them? Why don’t you come around with the demo cd and we have a drink or something?", Yoshiki offered.
"That’s ok. When will you have time for that?"
"Tomorrow evening? I’ll go pick you up from the studio when you finish the session. What time would that be? Around 8 pm?"
"Yeah, at that time I’m sure it will be ok"
"So see you then", Yoshiki said and hung the phone.
Gackt also hung the phone and looked at it for a moment. Yoshiki Hayashi… They had never met, nor spoken. He had only heard things about him, and read. It was impossible for a Japanese to read the newspapers and magazines without finding some information about Yoshiki. Moreover after Hide’s death. Well, it would be nice to go talk for a while with somebody who knew so much about music and could help him in some way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"You are married?", Yoshiki asked in surprise, "To whom?"
"Her name is Cindy, she’s American".
"Huh, my best wishes for you both", he said and then took a swig of wine.
Gackt looked at the pianist, and drummer, and discovered how much he had changed since he last saw him on television some months ago. He was not old. In fact, he was only thirty-something, but too much worrying had drawn wrinkles around his eyes and his expression had a sad overtone. The black pants and dark grey shirt he was wearing did make him look even sadder, and the ear-long matt brown hair shadowed his eyes in a depressive way.
"Did you bring that demo cd?", Yoshiki asked to break the silence. He had felt Gackt’s intense stare and felt uneasy; he knew he had not the appearance he used to have, and he didn’t like people to notice that. He took another sip just to hide his face behind the glass.
"Of course I did", Gackt turned away, opened his leather bag and got a blue cd out. He realized Yoshiki had caught his stare. "Where do you have the cd player?"
"In that corner", Yoshiki pointed out the place with his left forefinger.
"I’ll go put it, wait here". Gackt had to go away or he would not be able to keep his eyes away from the other man. He had changed too much, but he still had that special ‘something’ old Yoshiki had.
He found the cd player. Next to it there was a photo. He remembered he had seen no other photos in the house, only that one. He ducked to look at it better and discovered they were Yoshiki and Hide, the guitarist’s pink hair was unmistakeable. He wondered what did Yoshiki feel about Hide so far and wanted to ask him, but he thought it would be better to put the cd in and press play. The beginning from "Mizérable" began to sound. When the song finished, came "Dove" and then the one they had just recorded that afternoon, "Voulez Vous". He did not go back to the sofa but stood there in front of the cd player until the last song faded away. He waited for Yoshiki to say something, but he remained silent. Wondering what he was thinking about, he turned around.
"Don’t take my opinion too seriously", Yoshiki finally said, "I mean, it is going to be YOUR cd, so they are YOUR songs"
"And your opinion is?", Gackt wanted to know. Yoshiki was somebody with a beautiful taste for melodies, so his opinion would always be welcomed.
"The first one is quite good, but the other two…"
"What’s the matter with "Dove" and "Voulez Vous"?", he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"There’s no problem if you like them".
"But you don’t like them", Gackt stated.
"No I don’t"
"Why?"
"A song always reflects the feelings of the person who composes it, I am sure you already know that after so many years into music. The first song is very sincere. Did you write it before coming to America?"
"Yes I did…", Gackt recognized, "How did you know that?"
"And the other two you wrote them here after meeting your wife, didn’t you?, Yoshiki smiled, "Gakuto, don’t look at me in that way. Music is my life, it runs through my veins, I feel music and music feels me, so I always know what lies behind a song".
"But I don’t get the point", Gackt approached the sofa again and sat down, his hand searching for his glass of wine, "I mean, what’s the problem with the last two songs?"
"You are lying"
The glass slipped from his hand and fell to the desk, fortunately without breaking. The hand remained in the same position, as if it had not fallen. Gackt raised his head and looked at Yoshiki with a horrified expression.
"Wha~?"
"You are lying", Yoshiki repeated. "And you can lie to yourself, but you should know you cannot lie to music"
Gackt sank back into the sofa and buried his face between his hands, a shiver running down his spine. He was sure he had hidden his feelings so good nobody could ever find them, but that man did. He had hidden them so firmly he even believed his own lies, he was a happy man with a beautiful wife and all he wanted, there was no problem at all…
"Why?", he asked raising his head, "Where’s the problem?"
"If you feel sadness, then let your music feel it too"
Gackt’s face disappeared again and his shoulders began to shudder. Why did he had to come around? Why had he let him hear his songs? Everything was going on so fine in his life until that moment… Really?
He caught his bag, ran to the door and slammed it when he got out.
Yoshiki made no effort to stop him. He sighed, reached for the wine bottle, poured some more in his glass and drank it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"What’s the matter, my love?", Cindy asked. Gackt had been acting in a strange way the last days, and she was concerned about his husband.
Gackt eyed his wife and tried to feel the love he had felt for her during the month they had already been married. But he could not. In fact, he had never felt that love. Then why on earth did he marry that poor girl? Only because he did not want to hurt her by breaking her dreams? He shook his head and caressed Cindy’s red lips. He was going to be so cruel to her…
"Nothing"
He headed for the door and left the house.
go to PART 2