NOT A BAD DAY AFTER ALL !!

It was a beautiful day at the golf course. The gentleman took aim on the ball and drove his first shot deep into a wooded area. He sighed and proceeded to the area where the ball had gone into the woods.

As he was looking around for his ball, he heard a voice calling to him. He whirled around and there stood a very ugly witch. She had his golf ball and explained to him that it had hit her in the head. She was not very pleased about this, but went on to explain that she had little contact with the outside world and when she did have an encounter, she considered it a special occasion.

The witch said she had magical powers and would grant the man one wish. However, when the wish was granted, the man would notice a tremendous decrease in his sexual desire and ability to perform. The man thought about it a few minutes then decided to accept the conditions.

The witch asked what was his wish and the man simply stated..."I want my golf game to improve." The witch rocked back on her heels and stared at the man. After a few minutes she said, "Is that all ?". He said "Yes, that's it". The witch said, "Are you telling me that is all you want, when you could have anything in the world ?". The man looked at her straight in the eye and said , "Yes".

Two years later on another beautiful day, the man is at the same golf course and drives a tee shot into the woods. The man starts shaking because he had not hooked or sliced a shot since the day he had encountered the witch. He went into the woods and there stood the witch. She looked at him and said "I made your shot go bad because I wanted to talk to you.". The man was visibly relieved when he heard this and asked what she wanted. The witch wanted to know if he had any regrets about his wish. The man said "Well, things couldn't be better with my golf game. I've won every major tournament on the amateur circuit and I'll soon be on the PGA tour. As far as my sex life, I have only had 6 encounters in 2 years.". "Hasn't that bothered you ?" asked the witch. The man replied, "No I'm allright". The witch said "I'm glad it worked out for you then, for that spell can not be changed once it is cast !".

With that they parted company. On his way to the fairway the, the man said to himself...."The PGA Tour and sex 3 times a year, not bad for a small parish priest ".

THE 'F" WORD

A man was playing behind a 3 some of women on a busy weekend and play was slow.  When the man gets to the next tee the 3 women are about to hit and he asks them if he may join in order to speed up play. They all agree that it is a good idea to form a 4some.  All 4 hit good tee shots and walk out to their balls. The 3 women hit their second shots safely on the green, the man promptly hits his in the bunker next to the green and yells "Aw shit !"

When one of the women hears him she tells him that they will not tolerate this foul language. The man apologizes and they finish out the hole. When they get to the next tee the woman who scolded him hits her shot dead right and into the woods it goes and she yells "Shit !!" and storms off the tee box.

The man hearing this looks at the women and says "I thought you wouldn't tolerate that type of language out here ?". She turns to him and replied, "Your ball didn't hit a f**king tree !".

HEAVENLY GOLF

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were out playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and into the water. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball on to the green.

Moses was next to tee off and just like Jesus, he hits it into the drink. When he got down to it, he parted the waters and hit it onto the green.

The little old man was next, and he too hit into the hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly away. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish, land on the green and roll into the cup.

Jesus looked to the old man and said "Look dad, if you are going to play....play fair ".

FATE OF A GOLFERS WIFE

It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee it up, one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns around, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns to him and says, "Hey ScramblinMan, it's only a hearse". ScramblinMan turns and says "I know Alzado <snif,sniff>, its's my wifes funeral".

CAN'T KEEP HIS HEAD DOWN

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. About the 18th hole he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'll go drown myself in the lake". The caddy looks back at him and replies, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long".

Difference Between Golf and Whorehouse

What is one thing said on the golf course and not in a house of ill repute ?

Bite you cocksucker !!!