Dear God,

Yesterday was really difficult... and today started out difficult...
I made the conscious decision that I was going to wake up
and get up when my alarm went off.... 
but when that happened, 
I didn't recognize the sound as my alarm, 
but just a terrible noise that needed to be stopped.

I am really getting nervous about this trend
that is becoming increasingly regular
in my life... 
and I don't know what to do about it.
I've prayed...
but I know not for long enough...


Okay... I am really really skirting around the
major issues that you know are in my heart...
It's because I do not know if I am really ready to deal with
them, but I want to remain close to you...

I keep hearing this one particular message
on MSJ, and I am wondering if you are hoping that
it will speak to me in particular...

It talks about two men, one who praises God yet is not humble,
and the other a sinner who is extremely humble and is asking
for guidance and relying on God's righteousness.

I think about the song
"I'm grateful that I'm incapable of doing any good on my own..."
and I realize that if that is true, 
then you always have been with me,
and you always are with me...
even when I don't realize it...

But I keep feeling like I am not close to you...
and at the end of the day
I can't go to sleep because I feel like there is
something missing...
Something is probably missing, then... huh?

God,
I am unsure how much of my life you want me to continue to 
control,
and how much of it you want to control for me...
But I truly feel that I cannot get out of bed in the mornings
lately, and it is frightening me.

Lord,
I lift up my family to you. I pray that I am able 
to come to terms with the fact that I am 
moving into a different stage of my life right now, 
and that things are changing.
I pray that the anxiety I feel about home will end,
and that I will see things from a different,
more impartial or subjective viewpoint.

Lord,
I know the things I need to work on.
I know that I need to come to you, fully humbled,
and ask you to help me, 
and admit that I need your help...
But... I thought that I had been doing that-
I guess I was not fully humbled...
Lord, I don't know, right now...
Yesterday overall was a good day, 
so I guess I should assume that you are working
on my requests, 
and that patience is going to be the best thing right now...

Okay Dad...
I love you, and I thank you so much for life... 
even with the insecurities and all of the failings
and disappointments that I find in myself
and in the world,
I thank you for your faithfulness.
I need to be constantly reminded of your perfectness,
and that you can fill any holes that I have in my heart,
and you can clean any spots on my soul...
I will rest in you.

I will rest in you.

(I think I need to say it one more time...)
I will rest in you.

Thank you so much, Lord,
I love you.

Because it was your will, I am here today.
Because it was YOUR will... I am Here.  I exist...
WHy Lord?
Give me the patience to learn your will
and live out your plan
and wait for your guidance...

Lord, let me seek your guidance.

I miss the zeal of my salvation...
I can get it back, right?

Okay God,
I think you know that everything is still
not off of my heart,
but I hope you know that I am trying,
and I am thinking about it...
Of course you know...

Thanks God,
your daughter,
Meredith