Steven Wright insights

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
A metaphor is like a simile.
A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Are there any questions?
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it irritates me! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... slow glance upward
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
How young can you die of old age?
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I bought a portable cable TV.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I can't stop thinking like this.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this ((()))((()))(((. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly... and says, "Here, you can go."
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
I had my coathangers spayed.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."
I lost a button hole today.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
I took a baby shower.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I washed mud, off of mud.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I'm so hyper... said with a very dull voice
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
(If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.)
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... "So, do you live around here often?"
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep..."
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something.
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," And she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Referring to a glass of water: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
"So, do you live around here often?"
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.'
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... picks up his glass of water from the stool... I like to live on the edge...
This is my impression of a bowling ball... drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it... gutter...
This isn't all true.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it.
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
What do batteries run on?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

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