Quotes for a twisted mind

A selection of quotes that will most definitely will cheer you up, just in case you are feeling too good about life.

• Anything that happens, happens.
  Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.
  Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though.
  Douglas Adams

• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
  Swami X

• Life. Don't talk to me about life.
  Marvin the Paranoid Anroid

• A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
  I believe everything positively stinks.
  Lew Col

• Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
  Matt Groening

• A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
  Ambrose Bierce,
  "The Devil's Dictionary"

• Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

• A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
  Tennessee Williams

• Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
  Ogden Nash

• Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
  Douglas Adams

• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  Redd Foxx

• Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
  Oscar Wilde

• Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  H. L. Mencken

• Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all....
  Thomas J. Kopp

• Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
  Mark Harrold

• With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
  "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

• A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
  G. B. Shaw

• I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• I'm not getting you down at all, am I?
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Pardon me for breathing, which I never do any way so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God, I'm so depressed.
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Funny, how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does.
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Do you want me to sit in the corner and rust, or just fall apart where I'm standing?
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water?
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Life's bad enough as it is without wanting to invent any more of it.
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• My capacity for happiness, you could fit it into a matchbox without taking out the matches first.
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Ha, but my life is a box of wormgears.
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Wearly I sit here, pain and misery my only companions.
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• Why stop now just when I'm hating it?
  Marvin the paranoid android
  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

• I owe no duty to the forum, the election ground or the senate; I am ... no barking pleader, no judge, no soldier, no king; I have withdrawn from the populace. My only business is with myself. I have no care save not to care. The better life you would more enjoy in seclusion than in publicity. But you will decry me as indolent. ... None is born for another, being destined to die for himself.
  Tertullian

• All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
  Sean O'Casey

• We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road.
  They get run over.
  Ambrose Bierce

• I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.
  Prince Bismark

• Few minds wear out; more rust out.
  Christian Nestell Bovee

• An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support.
  John Buchan

• Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
  Jim Davis

• Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
  Bob Hope

• No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
  Ed Howe

• A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
  John Ciardi

• A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.
  Elbert Hubbard

• To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
  H.L. Mencken

• Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
  George Bernard Shaw

• All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones.
  La Rochefoucauld

• "Life is like a box of chocolates -- a cheap, thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for; unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you are stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down and there is nothing left to eat. Sure, once in a while there is a peanut butter cup or English toffee, but they are gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you are desperate enough to eat those all you have got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."
  Cancer Man (X Files)

• A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

• Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

• An optimist is someone who thinks all is good
  A pessimist is someone who laughs at an optimist.
  So I'm a pessimist ... Sue me, like I care.

• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

• BLISS is ignorance

• Excellent day to have a rotten day.

• Happiness is merely the repression of reality, an escape into a fantasy hiding that what we try to avoid, pain, misery, and insecurity.

• Life is a cesspool in which you drown until you begin to float.

• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

• Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

• Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

• Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• Who says I'm paranoid? Just stay off my back!

• Schizophrenia is salvation to those who get dizzy walking the path of life and find they have been treading a circle.

• Feel like had a bad day? Have mine.

• Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

• Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.

• I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!

• The paradox of life, we live to die yet we die to live.

• Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.

• When in doubt, pretend. When pretending, have no doubt about it.

• No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

• Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

• Schizophrenia beats being alone.

• A penny saved is ridiculous.

• A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

• A day without sunshine is like night.

• A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

• A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

• All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane

• Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

• Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution

• Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

• Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.

• A closed mouth gathers no foot.

• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

• Never reflect on your life, it will just depress you.