I once said
this on
yearning
i often wonder, how many people experience the same sense of
yearning that i go through from time to time, the
yearning for someone who will be there always, regardless of what happens…
yearning for someone to go through everything together with…
but who would be that someone?
"i can vaguely make out the shape, a figure cloaked in
secrecy, lithe yet mysterious…"
in my wildest dreams, in my
sweetest dreams, that someone would be there, not taking any tangible forms,
but floating around, almost levitating, as someone, for me to sneak a look at,
yet not see…
"she
is there, long flowing hair, petite little body, swift graceful
movements…"
the edges around that shape get less blur, i
can make out her outline now… still i do not know whether
she is here in my life yet, whether she has already stepped into my life. has she, or hasn't she?
i wish, for someone to answer
that question, to step into my life. someone for me to
take care of, to devote my time to, my undivided attention.
"she
reclines into my arms, my chin on her head, my arms around her… we talk, and
talk… that familiar sense of closeness…"
familiar, yet unfamiliar. i
feel as if i've felt that way before, but have i? i
really don't know. that sense of yearning pervades
again… the yearning for that person to cuddle into my arms, for me to cradle,
and just spend time with, without care of what the world thinks. still, that someone hasn't given even the slightest hint of
who she is… yet. when would she surface above the rest
of the crowd… the masses of grey that seem to merge into one another?
"i realise the word that
represents all this… the most overused, yet undervalued word… love…"
love, not that of family, not that of friends, but of the most
intimate kind. the kind that bonds two people
together. perhaps i'm still
too young, perhaps too inexperienced, but i have this
wish… that the first such someone i find, would be
the last. is that why it is that hard to find that
someone? i have told friends
before that should my wife pass on earlier than i
should, i would never remarry, no matter what age i am, yet i'm scoffed at. "who would do such a thing?" said they. unconditioned love. that's what i would shower on her.
"i realise, finally, that i need someone to love, to concentrate my attention
on…"
they always say, true love is selfish. who
am i to argue with that? no…
i would not say for sure whether i
would be selfish or not, but i would definitely not
be possessive. "if you love someone, set her free… if she comes back to
you, she is meant to be yours…" i would never
require her to reciprocate whatever i do for her… i think i have spent my entire
adolescent years searching for her, yet i still don’t
even see the slightest shadow of her, except perhaps in my sweetest dreams. could it be? could it be that i would never find that someone… never ever?
"i hope…"
i remain hopeful, hopeful for
that ray of light to pass through this thick fog of uncertainty, to bring some
brightness into my life. that ray of light can come
tomorrow, next month, next year, or in ten years' time. but
it must come. or i shall
spend my life yearning, letting my hopes fade with time…
revisited
almost three years on, and this feeling has somehow crept back
into me. with perhaps a few differences – less ideas
of the physical image of the one I yearn, less hopes, more dejection? have been itching to write some really angsty
entry for some time, and now I’ve finally found the time and mood to.
first, I realise my command of
language then was more impressive than now. heh. in the place of flowery
language stands the argumentative terms that I now use in my essays. no more flowery descriptive language to illustrate my mental
images.
but I digress.
after what’s
gone through my mind over the past one-and-a-half-months (I don’t know why, but
the date 5th may sticks in my mind easily), I think I’ve managed to
get a better grasp of whatever position I should adopt with respect to affairs
of the heart. for her, everything emotional is more or
less dead, and I know that there’s no point trying to sustain or to revive it. saw her yesterday when we met up for some simple supper, and
then again online today, and realised our
conversations have normalised. nothing
too close to each others’ hearts. friends’
conversations. and I’m glad we can still talk this
way. and just for good measure, perhaps I’ll cut and paste a very short excerpt
of something she said that kind of moved me today… hope I haven’t betrayed her
trust by posting this here…
me: hmmz...
see how lor. study
together... even though we prob taking not same
modules... AND if u can trust i got no other motives
;-)
her: ya...
i hope i can improve then
next sem when i get my
results i'll b happy...
ok, i
trust u.
we study together. J
yup, I’m glad that we’ve managed to establish some sort of trust
(and I really hope what she says is true). so things
would revert to normalcy for us (and what kind of normalcy, I have no idea). and I’d continue my yearning. no
longer towards her. no longer towards anyone in
particular. I’m just letting it diffuse outwards. let
my affection pour out towards my family and friends instead. and
I have to remind myself not to expect reciprocation from anyone – that way I’ll
be happier I guess. kinda
deep huh.
and the phrase “falling in love” keeps coming to mind. falling doesn’t seem to hint of any
purpose at all, so guess that’s why getting into love is phrased this way – you
fall into it – not dive headlong, or
plunge, or get dragged in, or… you get the idea. so I’ll
resolve not to actively go around seeking like some desperate lovelorn idiot,
and instead just concentrate on being me. the way I want
me to be.
yup and guess that’s the end of the angsty
stuff.
on the financial front it’s much better! if
I reveal all I might just get robbed on my way home, but hey, I’m anonymous
here anyway. employers credited $600 to my account,
and tuition money’s coming in these two weeks. so
optimistically speaking, if I continue the expenditure pattern that I’ve
cultivated these past three months, I’ll hit $1000 savings in the space of two
weeks! amazing! oh no, now I’ve
revealed this, I guess some people are expecting treats J
so I guess I’m materialistically fulfilled, musically
more-than-fulfilled (not my skills yet though), just emotionally-starved. but hey, working on charity projects and spreading love to
my friends will work wonders towards emotional fulfillment I hope.
kinda late. haven’t been sleeping enough with the millions of band
practices. so here goes… *poof*
dejectium out
0157 hrs gmt
+8