I loathe uncertainty.
At the same time, I hate being ruled by certainty.
And I’m experiencing both at the same time.
Certainty and uncertainty – don’t that make up the
universal set of life then? If I don’t want both, what do I live on? And if I
want both, what do I live on?
A simple life – that’s all I want. Cliché
but true. Yet the more I yearn for life to be simple the more drama
springs upon me. As much as I try to freak-control my life I get changes all
over. Can’t I ever experience a simple 9-to-5 life?
Maybe I’m just a normal human who can’t cope with big
changes maybe I’m not that all-powerful and godly after all. Maybe I’ve got to
concede defeat to the godly powers that decide my fate and stop challenging
them. Some things I can decide; some I let them decide. Some
perverse form of division of labour. Gotta cut
Fate some slack, else Fate’s out of a job I guess. But hey, isn’t deciding to leave it to Fate a conscious
decision as well? Doesn’t that disempower Fate? Damn
from deciding to eschew control of my life I convince myself that I remain the
master of my fate.
Haha perhaps that’s destined.
Alright then, since we’re going around in circles I’ll
make it simple: I decide I want a simple life. I’m happier ruled by certainty
than left wandering. I will resist change. I will forego anything should the
element of risk feel threatening to my own well-being. That
way, less risks of heartbreak, of disappointment, of disillusionment.
After all, from stability only then we venture forth to seek excitement, no?
Let’s bunker in for the time being. Me-time.
dejectium out
31 may 2005
2100 hrs gmt +7
(added 0341hrs,
It was strangely easy. I’m relieved, and somewhat
liberated. I hope my perseverance lasts.
I realise that master of my own fate thing actually
works. So what’s that about disempowering Fate? I’m sorry, but I end up feeling
empowered, in control of myself, and I think that’s what I value the most at
this moment. I’m no longer subject to hurt, be it knowing or unknowing. Some
sort of immunity. Requires quite a bit of h(e)ar(t)dening.
It was strangely easy. I’m relieved, and somewhat
liberated. I hope my perseverance lasts.
out for now.