things I wanna tell her
know I haven’t been updating this for a damn long time,
but have been really busy these days. she was
hospitalised for suspected dengue, got me damn worried. but
she’s discharged already, and I’d like to think she’s as bubbly and lively as
before.
she got warded on the day of the concert. was already worried when I didn’t see her during
intermission, cos I knew she wouldn’t miss the
concert unless she’s ill or something. just didn’t
imagine it’d be that serious, until her good friend told me. went
to visit her the next day, was feeling very anxious how she’d be, and boy was I
thankful to see her so lively, though thinner, still as pretty as before =)
but seeing her in that drat bed, that dreaded hospital
pyjamas, it just removed all my pretense of coolness.
the nonchalance I was trying to build up, all gone. my heart just went out to her. seeing
her so thin already, I thought: how could any doctor bear to draw more blood
out of her? and I inadvertently voiced that aloud. to which some friends replied they have to do it to make her
better. all in the name of good medicine, I guess.
and so everyday to the hospital I go. and
I’d be hoping to see the same lively her. till the day
she discharged. throughout, I thought of the things I
would so want to tell her, yet do not have the guts to.
I don’t know what reason in the world is making me treat you this way. I
know for sure it’s not some passing fad or frivolous thing since it’s dragged
for five long years already. all along I haven’t had
the guts to say all these to you, and I’ve never said such things to anyone
before in my life.
seeing you lying in that hospital bed, I so
wanted to hold you in my arms, to reassure you that everything will be okay. but I knew you’d be alright, warmed by the presence of so
many good friends around you, such that you were unable to have a moment of
silence and peace in the day. the least I would have
wanted was to hold your hand and give you a reassuring squeeze. yet I know that would be impossible.
don’t ask me why I’m treating you this way; I don’t
know too. I just feel that I have to take care of you, to pamper you, to make
sure everything goes smooth for you. and no, I don’t
expect anything in return, not anything tangible, I don’t even need you to
appreciate, to give me a smile in return. I just foolishly want you to be
happy. and I don’t know why it must be you too. perhaps it’s your character? you
just give me the feeling that I must look after you. as
I said, I don’t need anything in return. I just want you to give me the chance
to continue what I’m doing: to take care of you, to watch over you, to make
sure no one bullies you, to make you happy always.
I know things would be awkward for you if you’re seen with me often,
especially if his friends happen to see us. that’s why
I don’t dare to ask you out too often too. I don’t want people to think of you
as someone who treated him frivolously, I don’t want anyone to think bad of
you. and don’t worry, I’m not some love-crazed idiot
or desperado. but there’s a totally different reason why I’m not going to ask
you out on valentines’, though I’d probably tell you that straight in the face:
I’m afraid of rejection. and I don’t want to put you
through that awkward situation of searching for an excuse to say you can’t.
I know I probably don’t mean anything much to you at the moment, but
that was the same thing you thought of him when he first started to go after
you. I would like to think the same for myself too. heh, my relatives spent quite awhile convincing me
that my looks don’t matter much, that I just should rely on a heart of gold to
be able to snag the girl of my dreams, but hey, that means they acknowledge my
looks (the lack of, I mean). what the hell. haha. but
that’s the point I’m trying to put across. I don’t have the looks to compare
with others, so I dare not expect much.
except for the chance, just the chance to take
care of you.
I hope you’re all right now. no more
nose-bleeds, no more fever, no more giddiness. the
past week has been one worrying week, and it’s heartwrenching
to see you grow even thinner. hope the chinese new year’s been good to you, and hope you made use
of the chance to get a good rest. I’m sure you’d have been touched by your
numerous friends who spent so much time accompanying you at the hospital. even I was warmed to see that you’re so well-loved, that it’s
impossible to spend a moment alone with you. but that’s
good, isn’t it? =)
I would gladly have taken your position. then
at least you wouldn’t have had to suffer the pain and aching that you did. but you were strong. I’m glad you were. happy
new year.
dejectium out
0118 hrs gmt +8