think I’m an incorrigible sucker for pain.
I know jolly well those sporadic bursts
of pain whenever I’m out with her. as well as their
intensification after we make our separate ways. why
the pain? don’t know if I’ve quoted this before, but I
read and totally empathised with this saying:
the worst way to miss someone is to have her right beside you, yet know
that she will never be yours.
and as usual, I go all out to seek that pain. sucker
eh?
and more pain. I know that the probable “I’m not free” reasons given
whenever I ask her out are going to hurt too. but again
I just seem to never get enough of it. never learn. funny. by right this should be a
form of classical conditioning – I should refrain from doing stuff that hurt
me. I’m a bit abnormal I guess.
but I still can’t find anything that will adequately explain why I’m doing
all this. perhaps it’s just like lottery – why people
bet even though their chances are so low. the rare
occasions that they win, they feel ecstatic. it’s the
euphoria behind the improbable win that keeps them going, even if the costs
outweigh the benefits in the long run. that’s so cool –
I’m a hardcore gambling addict in this sense. except
the payout’s a chance to be with her, and the costs are everything that isn’t
nice in this world.
I’m going back to my favourite over-used
refrain:
just as long as she’s happy.
***
*** ***
a good friend turned 21 early this morning. she
probably won’t read this, so I guess I can just write without worrying I’d hurt
her or something. used to be very close during college
days, even early this morning this friend was saying “she’s your best girl friend rite?”
I’m not so sure about that anymore. perhaps I’m oversensitive. but when
I called her at 12 to wish her happy birthday, I suddenly had this feeling that
there was nothing to say anymore. that’s a huge change
from talking long hours on the phone every night in the past. but things must change. she’s
happily involved in things she enjoys doing, and she has someone who’s always
there for her to dote on her. things occupy her
attention. and I’m glad, I’m really glad she’s moved
on.
while I’m still stuck in the same rut.
one just can’t help but feel a sense of loss. I mean, she’s still there as
a friend, we still talk, I still think fondly of her, but the feeling is
different. there is no more that sense of familiarity.
more of a feeling of a distance that’s grown between
us.
but then I try to lift myself above ground level again. perhaps
this is what always happens in life. people come and
go in our lives. and one chinese
saying always says that separation is inevitable. people
have to move on, to expand their social circles, to change and migrate to other
social circles.
and all of a sudden, I feel much better about it after some self-psyching.
I know she’s still there. that she’ll be available to talk to once in a while. that we were once very good friends. and
we are still good friends.
dejectium out.
22
march 2003
1245
hrs gmt +8
back to index
p/s: funny how everyone’s trying to be different: anti-war. actually I believe I’m different. I’m for war. finish it fast, clear the global
threats. there’s nothing we can do about it anyway if
on another note, that perpetual knotted-eyebrow expression on bush jr (ie shrub)’s face: it just
gives me that feeling that saddam once did him in the
ass. as well as his father. thus
the pained expression. and the unquenchable thirst for
revenge on him. heh.