as usual I find white against black the most unhappy colour of all

not even grey beats this.

today I realise how stupid I have been… yesterday.

I've always rambled about how my heart yearns in my earlier writings, and have always lamented about the lack of opportunities to grab them. yet I've never been able to grab that opportunity when it comes. I think it's because I've got no guts.

no guts.

yesterday there were so many opportunities for me to get close to her, to talk to her, face to face, without interruptions by anybody, but once again, my guts, or rather the lack of them, let me down. perhaps it's because I prefer status quo, I prefer that things remain like this instead of becoming awkward-ised. but still, I've let those chances go, and now I regret. too late. arrgh

earlier in the day I was still able to talk to her, natural as before. yet when night fell, somehow I no longer dared. is it because I was afraid I'd be too obvious? or is it because night just makes it seem scary? I know I'll never be able to know how she feels unless I ask, but I really don't dare. I really don't want things to become awkward, for her to start avoiding me, to keep her distance. I'm not a tom cruise lookalike, or even near him. far from it. what do I have to compare with her?

ooh… lack of self-esteem, I hear you say. I admit it. but that's a very practical view too. compare me with a chen xiaodong lookalike, and immediately the contrast is seen. you might not even need to see him to feel the difference. maybe again this is what makes me afraid.

I've made clear my feelings to her before. and luckily things were not made awkward. but that was years ago. now, we're back on frequent talking terms, and I'm really enjoying this time now. I look forward to her alphanumeric pages, to phone calls with her, to any time I can see her, yet I fear those times too. fear I might say something stupid that may spoil everything. especially when I'm not sober.

and things are made worse when I see people make a move towards her. acute jealousy, it may seem, but I think I never show it outwardly. not in any sense. but the heart pains. I keep thinking, what if he succeeds? why didn't I try too? he'll have more chances; he sees her everyday while I don't… then I'll comfort myself: maybe he's just trying to be friendly, maybe her too. wait. what if she's also trying to be friendly also? I think that's most probably the case.

what makes me so sure the guy's trying to hit on her? I can tell you, a guy's sense towards other guys, whether they're trying to go after a girl, is almost always correct. I have statistical data to back me up. but as I said, I'll comfort myself as usual through self-delusion. tell myself he's just trying to be friendly. maybe it's because she's popular too.

yeah. maybe she's popular. then what do I have to complement her? a faceful of acne and a bellyful of fats? I think it's this self-understanding that draws from me the confidence to go further, than to remain that big brother figure that I believe I am to her. maybe when I get fitter, more muscular, and go for corrective plastic surgery can I dare to follow my heart. by then it might be too late.

it will be too late.

I think I'll be in time to wish her, and whoever the future lucky guy is, all the best.

2328 hrs

21 jan 2001

what can I do for valentine's?

you can give me your views, if you know who I am.