maybe I should stop acting like a lovelorn bunny.
was messing around with my instrument just now, and
playing around with secret garden songs. damn nice. then I remembered that night when I played “song from a
secret garden” to her when she was in hospital. over
the phone. so I thought, why not just play her another
one tonight. didn’t want to call her and impose upon
her if she didn’t want to listen, so I messaged her…
I’m playing around with secret garden songs. call
me if you wanna listen =p
then continued playing for a while waiting. twenty minutes later I decided she probably didn’t want to
listen, so I packed up and left the room.
so she didn’t want to hear? well,
think I gave her that choice in the message, so just as well then. I shouldn’t
be grumbling.
I start to think: I shouldn’t behave like
I really need her or something. I shouldn’t
be thinking of her all the time. I can have
my own life. have my own friends. do
my own things. go through my own life. I don’t need
her.
or do I?
* * *
a friend asked, how can you be so crazy over her? think crazy is perhaps the correct word here. I don’t know
why too. she’s someone special to me I guess. but I’m not someone special to her. I have totally no idea
how I’d approach the next week. I’m supposed to have decided not to ask her out
on valentines’. but of course I’m entitled to have
doubts surfacing in my head every now and then. yet,
as I said before, I fear rejection. I don’t want to trouble her to think of
excuses to say she can’t go out on friday.
I’m gonna see her tomorrow, gonna
see her again on monday. all these times when I see her, I anxiously look forward to.
yet dread too. because I don’t
know how to behave. things are progressing well on the
whole though, I guess. as friends.
and friends are not supposed to go out on valentines’
together. especially if one has rejected the other
before. and the other still likes her.
the resolve grows stronger as I type. the
resolve not to ask her out. yet I know this resolve
will be weakened, will be eroded as soon as I see her. she’s
too special.
sometimes I wish she hadn’t told me she’d broken up.
so back to the typical singaporean
refrain: so how? what to do?
and all I can do is to hope and pray, that
heaven knows.
I’ll try to get back my normal life. need to answer my employers with good results. better keep my focus. and enjoy her
company as a friend in the meantime.
but the problem is, I don’t know what she’s thinking. I’ll
kill myself if she’s prepped herself to agree to me asking her out on
valentines’, and I end up not asking.
arrgh. don’t care. I shan’t ask.
I hope.
dejectium out.
2251 hrs gmt +8