I’ve done nothing all night but to devote the entire
night to others’ wellbeing, cheering everyone up. but I’m
really really tired and it’s been no rest, not even
the weekend. but I’m not complaining... just that
sometimes, some doubts creep in, because I think I have to admit that this one
thing upset me so much, the more I think about it. even
though it’s been so long ago. and shouldn’t be
upsetting me anymore.
I went to the band’s concert last friday – and it’s already the twentieth edition. to think I was still watching the tenth one. I couldn’t help
making comparisons to the previous concert at vch
that I attended – rgs’s, and how she was complaining
about the death of the band spirit and all. then I thought,
what I saw then and what I saw on friday were just two
scenes of the same destiny, but on different time frames. we
started dying long ago.
and it’s
upsetting because I put in so much, to get what I got back that day.
oh, and I thought who it was...
then turns back to
conduct.
it shouldn’t be
bugging me anymore because I already have found out what kind of a person he
is, but it sets me thinking what I did everything for. simply
to be made use of?
we were told
that alumni who didn’t go through their entire four years under him weren’t
allowed to play for the alumni band. maybe it’s been
spread out of context, but the apparent reason was that alumni beyond that were
not as loyal as the others would be, and wouldn’t like him nor cooperate with
him. I don’t know about that loyalty issue, but if I weren’t loyal, if he weren’t loyal, or he weren’t loyal, why would we still
care about the band and bother to keep in touch and go back and see things even
after how we were treated, how we were crudely disposed of?
then we were also
told that since the band had to hold two concerts to raise funds, and the main
band couldn’t cope with playing two concerts, the alumni band was roped in to
play half of each concert. all that time one phrase
was shouting out to me: being made use of.
I’m sad that the current alumni band failed to see that, or
were steeped in their blissful oblivion. which
is probably a good thing. until they’re
unceremoniously disposed of just like us.
then I question even further, not that I’m having an
inflated ego. would they have done as much as I did? as much as he did?
or he? the
three of us, amongst all the others from my batch – we threw in our time,
sacrificed our studies and own private lives, just so that we could drag the
band up from a silver to a gold, and then told that we weren’t needed anymore
because we were ‘out of touch’. so we left, quietly,
nary a complaint.
and now being
made to face the accusation that we weren’t loyal. heck,
it’s not like I’m hard up to play for the alumni band, thankyouverymuch.
I have an excellent band to play in myself. who can
probably sight-read what that band played to ten times the standard. but I ask, what’s the purpose of the alumni band that you’re
starting up to play for every concert? to bring in the
cash? to send out stabs into older members’ hearts? we didn’t even know that there would be a concert that day,
granted that it’s probably our responsibility to go find out for ourselves
since we’re adults.
you want us to
bring ourselves down to ask to play in the alumni band, just so that we can
hear you say no and grovel for the most politically-correct answers?
my dream for the
alumni band hasn’t died. but it’s becoming a
nightmare. I envisioned one day when old people, my seniors, my batchmates, my juniors, from all walks of life, incredibly
rusty on their instruments but still passionate about the people and the band
and their instruments, come together to play, to pay tribute to their secondary
school band. because they’re still part of the family.
but is it still a
family?
dejectium out
0127 hrs gmt+8