could it really be just an ego problem? or am I still
not relieved from that tangle that has been bugging me since time eternal?
it’s been almost three months since the inevitable happened, and I’m
actually glad to report that I’ve survived this period well. basically
running on the expenditure of energy. making myself
slog hard. give tuition. band
prac. work at office. givetuition. bandprac.
wordatoffice. givetuitionbandpracworkatofficegivetuitionbandpracworkatoffice.
minimising contact. ignoring
messages. skipping lessons. doing
what I can do salve my own pain.
I keep telling myself she’s not worth it.
my life’s been pretty smooth-sailing all the way, and
cruelly speaking, she’s the only person who has managed to hurt me so much, though
not of her own accord. see? I’m still finding excuses
for her. though not of her own accord. I’d
like to think that the passion for the two of them just happened to come along,
and develop. not with my help. at
all. but I’m still unable to convince myself.
is it a matter of fearing the waste of efforts? all the time and effort I’ve spent on her. am I that materialistic? I’d like to think I’m not.
friends and kindred souls have attempted to help me
reason out.
the first salvo goes: no
girl’s worth losing a good friend over.
I
agreed, then proceeded to convince myself thus.
then the counter by another: did your friend think about that in the first place?
I
was stunned. I’d no idea how to react to that. and
spent the next two weeks pondering this.
I
tried convincing myself love’s something you can’t stop. it’s
irrepressible. no matter how much you try to resist. and that’s what befell them. nothing
much they could do about it.
then one day, my route to tuition was unexpectedly altered by its
sudden cancellation. I took a detour, and seeing time on my hands for the first
time in such a long time, I went to the mp library to browse through some light
reading, and enjoy a cup of tea. inevitably I thought
of the group of friends that we often hung out together before this term
started – b, cf, jw, lj and me. and realised
this no longer happened.
when out with my jazz folks, I was supposed to meet yh and jm for a movie – swimming pool.
sl asked who I was watching
it with. I said two good friends, a couple. then she
innocuously asked, how about other
friends? why do you wanna
act like a bulb?
I
almost crumbled to pieces as I said, “it’s
my fault”. and my friend basically threw me a
blank look. I gotta
go. tell you more another time. without
knowing why I said it’s my fault.
heard one day that they no longer met up on a
regular basis. now I hope they finally understand how
much effort it took me to meet up with them week in week out while they were
still in the military, and I was struggling with schoolwork. my
bitterness-filled heart further wants to point out that fact that I nevertheless
managed to more than cope with my studies, at the same time maintaining close
ties with them. perhaps the bond within them were
stronger, but upon the august
revelation, I realised I was alone in that group.
I
needed some space from jw. I avoided one sms from him. after that, no more.
I don’t know his side of the story, so I don’t wish to comment for fear of
slander. for the next two months, any sight of him, of
her, tore me apart. and they like to say the whole is
greater than the sum of its parts. wacky theory
indeed, but seeing them together unleashed intolerable pain on me.
all through that, my only consoling ground was that I knew he’d
take better care of her than I would. that he’d
cherish her more than I would. that he’d be better
posed than me to provide for her future. that he’d
dote on her more than I would… it just goes on.
but I’ll never be able to deny the bitterness that takes over
me. he’s the one with her. he’s
the one with the future of a doctor. he’s the one who
owns his own subaru impreza.
he has everything. and me?
over the tumult of emotions, once it’s sunk in, I always come
back to telling myself, I have friends. do i?
I
know a lot of people care about me, only the problem’s that I don’t talk to many of them that often. taking
a raincheck one day, I counted three – yh, jm and jy.
who were able and willing to listen to me. and stay in
touch enough to know and care about my inner mental struggles. I’m touched by
their support, even by their bewildering solidarity with me in avoiding jw and gang. I still firmly believe that it was only I who
needed that stay-away period. but it’s always good to
know that true friends stick by your side.
of course there were others concerned, whom I simply brushed
away with a “let’s not talk about it now”
because I felt I wasn’t able to talk to them – zw
and xl included. and even sw.
‘cos I feared that they would betray my thoughts to
the two of them. as far as they were concerned, I was very happy for them. that
I wasn’t hurt or anything because I’d already gotten over it long ago. and I wanted to play no part in any guilty feelings they
might have harboured towards me. simply
put, they do not need to be guilty –
it’s their happiness, and I wish them well.
I’ve
drunk enough over the past two-and-a-half-months. straightened
out my thoughts only for the evil within me to mess them up all over again. and I realise what drove me to
write this entry: that sucker within me who went to scan through friendster profiles only to see their lovey-dovey
testimonials for each other. ah f*** friendster. as well as her
*stupid* and *insensitive* action last week – how further hurtful can it get? lesson over, I did my usual rendition of “where do we go from here”. and she, out of nowhere, urged me to go on. “go on,” she
prompted. “why?” I asked, not really wanting to sing those
lyrics to her.
“I want to hear the rest of the lyrics…” and
she wasn’t cheerful that morning so I went on to try to cheer her up.
“where do we go from
here
this isn’t where we
intended to be
we had it all
you believed in me
I believed in you
deep in my heart I’m
concealing
things that I’m longing to
say
scared to confess what I’m
feeling
frightened you’ll
slip away…
I
took a barely-noticeable breather then, hoping she won’t realise.
I didn’t want to go on. I thought I couldn’t.
she looked at me expectantly with those doleful eyes, waiting
for the last line. damnit. did she not know the song or was she just
twisting the knife in deeper?
I
thought I knew her character. and I trusted my
judgment. I went on.
“you
must love me”
I
hope she didn’t realise the near breaking that
squawky voice. the welling up in my eyes. the avoidance of her gaze as I tried to make these words
sound as normal as possible. they’re just lyrics after
all, I told myself as I sang that last line.
damnit. the
stupid things I’d do to get myself hurt. and cheer her
up. without her knowing all of it. enough
of it. you’ll never hear me singing this “where do we go from here” shit in front
of her ever again. if she’s down, she always has her
special someone to act the clown and be her support. she
doesn’t need me anymore. if she wants to learn lyrics,
go online and find them. if she needs help in her
studies, jw can help – he’s a future doctor for
goodness’ sake. and other fields? b
is definitely smart enough to help out. I realise I don’t
see them, the whole group of them, as much as she actually does. what an interesting
reversal.
god. why am I turning bitter all over
again? if you’re not supposed to stumble upon this,
and actually understand what I’m narrating, please keep this to yourself. the less who know, the better. maybe
I’ll reveal all these one day, when I’m free. free
from this bondage that’s threatening to suffocate…
***
I
know I’d get over this tomorrow. guess that’s the
immense strength that’s grown in me over this period.
I’ll
just need some time away. to totally forget about this, and not worry about it
all rising or welling up whenever I see the two of them together, and having to
fake that cheerfulness. resolution: next semester keep
away from her. hold on to that resolution till I manage
to get overseas on exchange late next year. and come
back a rejuvenated man.
looking forward to a dreary future.
dejectium out
0320 hrs gmt +8
what an ungodly hour to be
awake