Once upon a time there
was a little choir boy. The little choir boy was not very little. He was
actually a little fat. However, the little choir boy had many friends who cared
about him. And he cared about many of his friends too. But he also had people who
did not like him.
The little choir boy was
very happy with his life. He liked to play football, and often played around
with his friends during recess time, and after school
if his grandmother allowed him to. Often he could not stay long, but had to head
home early, since his school was not very near his home.
The little choir boy soon
had to go on to secondary school. He realised that he was not that little after
all. He started to notice the little choir girls, as well as the other
girl-classmates that he had. However, it was too late as the little choir boy
had to say his final goodbyes to his little girl friends after he finished his
PSLE exams. He started to wonder, why have I always thought that girls are
irritating even though they can be very sweet sometimes? But he told himself it
was natural for all little boys to hate all little girls, even if they were
nice little choir boys and nice little choir girls.
The little choir boy went
on to secondary school, where he grew up to be a not-so-little boy anymore. He
then started to notice this pretty little girl. The pretty little girl was not
as pretty as most people thought. The pretty little girl wore big spectacles
and had metal teeth, the little boy thought. But he still thought that the pretty
little girl was pretty. But the boy was shy. He did not dare to tell her that
he liked her. So he tried to attract her attention by doing small things. He
took the same bus as she took to school – only that it took him a lot longer
than his usual route to school.
The little boy and the
little girl soon became friends. They often met on the bus to school. He always
tried to take the same bus, and sometimes he would meet her, but sometimes he
would not. The little boy often felt sad when he did not see her. But the
little girl did not know. She continued to treat him warmly, and once, she even
offered him a very slim box of sweets. He remembered it was called Clorets. He
ate one, and thought it was almost as sweet as her. He felt happy. But yet not happy. Because he knew he was her good friend,
but she did not know what he really felt.
The little boy and the
little girl often met in school. He would take note of when she would go to the
lockers, when he could pass by her class on the way to lab and look in and say
hi. And hope for her to smile back. And she often did. He would offer to lend
her notes and pass them to her during their meetings on the bus or at the
lockers. He would borrow Chinese definition lists from her to memorise, and
just seeing her name scribbled at the top of the page would make him happy. But
he was not so happy, because every day he would remember that she did not know.
One day, the little boy
decided to let the little girl know. The little boy was no longer little. He
had gone on after his O Levels, but inside his no-longer-little heart, he knew
that he loved that little girl just as much. The little boy started to prepare
a present for her for the Valentines’ Day that was coming. After all, he
thought, didn’t little boys give little girls presents during Valentines’ to
make the little girls happy? And also to let the little girls know that they
are loved?
So the little boy took
all of two months and thirteen days to fold nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine paper
cranes to show her how long his love for her would last. He did not want
nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine boring cranes, so he made them in different sizes.
He bought a nice glass bottle to contain them, but he could not put all of them
in, as nine-hundred-and-ninety-nice cranes could not fit into that bottle. So
he put six-hundred-and-sixty-six into the bottle, and
the other three-hundred-and-thirty-three into the box that contained the bottle
of cranes. It looked very pretty to him. And the little boy was very happy. He
also hoped that the little girl would be happy.
The little boy told the
little girl that he had a present for her. The little girl sounded shocked, but
still decided to meet him. He gave it to her on Valentines’ Day, which was a
Sunday, but she had to go back to school for practice. The little boy was very
happy, because she also gave him something. The little girl gave him a bottle
of sweets. But the little boy saw something inside that broke his little heart
into many many pieces. Inside, she scribbled a note.
Dear little boy, happy friendship day.
The little boy started to
see her handwriting blur. And his eyes started to feel warm. Soon he almost
felt the warmth move down his little cheeks. But he did not allow them to. He
telephoned the little girl. Will we still be friends? Can we stay normal? She
said yes, and he was very very happy. They continued
to talk for one more hour, and they continued the phone calls.
Then the pretty little
girl also finished her O Levels. She went to the same college as the little
boy. By now, the little choir boy was no longer as little. He had grown bigger
than his secondary school days. In fact, he was now the fat little boy. His
friends often called him the fat little boy, and he soon got used to it.
However, the little boy still loved the little girl much. But he knew that he
was not good enough for the little girl. And so they remained very good
friends.
But the little boy was
happy, yet not happy still. He was still happy to be her good friend, but he
could not tell her that he still loved her much. And he dared not all the way
in his short little college life. Soon he had to grow up. He had to become a
man. He had to go on to the army where he could no longer behave like a little
boy. He had to be someone worthy to protect his loved ones. The little boy felt
very sad when he knew that he would no longer see the little girl every day,
walk past her classroom on the way to class, look at
her from the back when she was in the canteen. He would be staring at green
leaves and brown branches. Dark skies and dark hopes.
One day, the little girl
sent him a pager message. I am attached to this other little boy a few days
ago. This other little boy was a junior of our fat little choir boy, who was no
longer as fat because he went to the army. And the little choir boy liked this
other little boy much. But now that other little boy had taken his love, and he
was good friends with both of them. The little boy fought back his glistening
tears as he sent back the message to the little girl’s pager. Take care, be
happy. Make sure he doesn’t bully you. All the best…
The green leaves and brown branches in the army began to seem darker
and blacker.
The little boy felt that he
would die. He thought that the world would open up into a big hole, swallow him
up. Or maybe he thought that his friends would put many bullets into him when
they went to shoot in the range. But he thought that he would be very sad if he
saw the little girl come to his funeral in the other little boy’s arms. Maybe
she would not even cry? The little boy told himself that he would live on.
Maybe he would wait for her. The little boy felt that no one else could take
the little girl’s place in his little heart.
The little boy became a
man. He became an officer in the army, responsible for the lives of almost
fifty other bungling clumsy new soldiers, who often shot anyhow and threw
grenades anyhow. All too soon, he went on after the army to study in the university,
in the exact same year that the little girl did. Now, he did not call the
little girl much, or talk to her much because she had her other little boy. He
did not want to make things difficult for her, and he did not want to make his
friend jealous. But he still held the little girl dear in his heart. And he
missed the little girl so.
He often saw the little
girl around in school. Every time he saw her, his heart would start beating
very very fast. But he told himself that he had to
back off, because his little girl was happily attached to her little boy. He
wanted her to be happy, so he would not do anything to spoil her happiness with
the other little boy. So every time he saw the pretty little girl, he would
only smile, say hello, and then walk off, with his heart shattered. He felt
pained whenever he saw her. Yet happy.
Inside, his little voice screamed in pain inside his little head. But
no one ever heard those silent screams.
One night, the little
girl called the little boy. The little girl said in a little voice that she was
very stressed about the exams, and the little boy’s heart almost broke into a
million pieces when he heard her weak voice. He assured her, things won’t be as
bad as you worry. How come you did not call your other little boy? He tried to
ask with as little bitterness as possible. He had tried to put the little girl
out of his mind through the years, but now that she had called him, his heart
went out to her all over again, even though he knew it was impossible because
she had her other little boy. She said that he was busy, and so our not-so-fat
and not-so-little boy continued talking to her late into the morning.
Three weeks later, the
pretty little girl sent our little choir boy a message. I think I should let
you know that we have broken up. The little boy was shocked. He did not know
what to feel. He liked both his friends, but he knew deep inside that his heart
was jumping for joy. But he could not show his little girl friend that. He
thought that she would be hurt, as she broke off with him. He called her
immediately, but he found that his pretty little girl was not hurt anymore. She
once was, but not any more.
And so our fat little
choir boy started talking to the pretty little girl again. He found that he still
loved her just as much. Over the holidays, they planned what modules to take
together, and even went out together a few times during the school term. The
little boy was happy, but not so happy. He was happy to be her good friend
still, but he could not tell her that he loved her much still. The little boy
has grown up, and he has realised that he loves her too much to do anything to
change their happy relationship now. The little boy no longer knows what to do,
but to allow himself to be made happy sometimes, and
sad more times, by the little girl’s little actions. He thinks, sometimes it’s
more sad than happy. But he tells himself, he does not mind. He just wants his
little girl to be happy always.
But the little girl does
not know that.
Regression: An ego
defense mechanism. Under stress, some people hide; others cry, throw things, or even wet
their pants. That is, they adopt immature, juvenile behaviours that were effective
ways of dealing with stress when they were younger.
[Ego defense
mechanism: According to Freud, these
are unconscious strategies that we use to defend ourselves against threat and
trauma, reduce internal conflict, and diminish anxiety]
Post scriptum: The little boy still loves
his little girl dear still.
Dejectium out
05
May 2003
0102
hrs gmt +8
Inspiration:
Cheong,
Colin (1989). The Stolen Child. (