realisation

so much talk about yearning, so much care to offer, yet what else do i have?

no brad pitt looks, no bodybuilder physique.

just lotsa pockmarks on the face and a gradually building paunch.

no fancy armani haircut nor punk hairstyle.

just a weak side parting of dry hair.

i suddenly realise: who would bother to look at me?

let alone consider me someone to share her life with?

i'm not one whom you'll turn round and look at if we happen to meet along the streets, except if you haven't seen anyone that hideous looking before. maybe only friends will…

who knows?

this realisation comes as a reminder, a reminder to take off that passage about yearning. to prevent misleading kids in this deceptive world of the internet. fake faces. fake characters. fake personalities.

i suddenly realise: i'm perhaps born only to have friends; lots of friends, even more acquaintances. we smile when we meet on the streets, we exchange polite greetings. yet polite greetings are all they are: polite. no one would bother thinking about realising my yearnings.

looking at my mirror, i'm glad it didn't crack. don't take this as an extremely low self-esteem; it's honesty. honesty with oneself, to part with self-deception. heck those reports about females looking for more than looks. what about character when they don't even give you a second look?

perhaps i should be contented just to have many friends. friends who provide support when i need it, friends just to be friends with. i'm not looking into realising my yearnings through my friends; that will destroy my relationships with them.

perhaps i'm too insecure. but i just don't want to lose friends.

i think i'm too inexperienced to realise how utopian my yearnings are. far too utopian. they always say "looks don't matter; it's the character". the truth cannot be farther.

i'm not pessimistic. just realistic.

look at people when you walk down the streets. you'll know what i mean.

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