the rain fell hard. but my world had collapsed an
hour before that.
my sister says, hey is it raining?
I went out to the hall. indeed. big pelting raindrops. just like the entry about cycling in the rain. am I psychic or what?
anyway, I looked out. long and hard. unable to resist the temptation to not send her a message, I
sent.
“nice rain huh”
an hour ago, the inevitable happened.
“I have something to tell you.”
“it’s impossible
between us.”
I look out of the window. look at the rain as the source of life throughout. hitting the leaves hard with its nourishing force. hurting, yet nourishing the trees around. I thought, how
apt. now the skies cry for me.
I see someone scrambling out with an
umbrella, presumably to shelter a loved one. and I think
of a love that’s lost. no more. perhaps
it’s time to cool off. it’s not time to get hurt again
so soon. swear it off. celibacy
would be better for the next few years of my life I hope. no
more thinking about the fairer sex. if it comes, it
comes.
puts paid to all my good friends who tell me that people will realise who I am
for who I really am. weird sentence. I don’t know if
any of you understand.
I do.
the rain continues to beat outside. I hear millions of raindrops crushed
under the just as relentless waves of cars that roll down the expressway. rolling. it’s not a very good word.
but it describes the movement of the flows of warmth
down my cheeks. this is something I haven’t done ever
since my grandfather passed away. and who would have
told me that the next tears I’d shed are for someone who’s done nothing to me? not cindy, not grandpa.
I promised her I’d get by. I’d survive. I’m
not that confident I can. but I think my friends are
with me. “they
say, as long as at least one person cares for you, life isn’t a waste. so, when things go terribly wrong, and you feel like giving
up, please remember… I care.”
thanks a lot zhiwei.
but I have this to say to all who’ll read this. not
many of you anyway. please don’t message me. don’t send me anything telling me to perk up. I want to
survive this alone. as much as it hurts, as much as it
would take, don’t worry about me.
I concede, I feel
terrible now. and the
tears just intensify as messages come in asking me if I’m ok, especially if it’s
from her. she would be the first to know that I’m not.
so why ask? but at least she
shows she still cares.
life must go on. I give myself one day to wallow all I want in self pity. and things should look up after that. I have a hectic holidays ahead. a national
jazz festival I’m having a huge role in organizing, a job to look for, a
driving license to achieve, and friends to catch up with.
I look back at that paragraph and
ridicule myself at that pitiful attempt to divert my own attention. it won’t work lionel. it won’t. so what if the anonymity’s
gone? I’ve shown her some of this in a desperate attempt to let her know how
much I love her. and I caustically add, just like how
a drowning man clutches at a straw. to no avail.
the rain has abated as I write this. no longer can
I hear it through my closed window in my room. and I see
nothing cos I don’t have my glasses on. they interfere with the wiping of the eyes. msword page open at 200% font. this screen’s all I see.
I have to convince myself it’s impossible
too.
strangely now I feel deep in peace. perhaps it’s the
realization that I don’t have to try to hint to her how much I care for her
anymore, knowing full well she won’t budge. I just wish she hadn’t told herself
so rigidly that’s impossible. but too bad. I know, she knows, that she’s able to psych herself very well.
I hope she treasures all I’ve done for
her. I’m keeping them as sweet memories too. I don’t know about the pencil case
she gave me. I think of her everytime I see it. I’ve
got an impulse to switch it. but I can’t bring myself
to. but I hope she
I couldn’t continue, had to muffle myself
with my pillow.
I’m feeling torn inside.
frankly I don’t want anyone to read this. I badly wanted to write, but it’s too
slow to record what I feel. that’s why I say don’t
tell me anything nice. I want to tell myself no one knows. no
one read this. respect me.
I hope I can see her in a different light
from tomorrow onwards. my brain needs to tell my heart
there’s no need to beat so fast anymore. but deep down
I hope she’ll do things to show she still cares. little
things like remembering my birthday. though that’s not
important at all.
right now I’m confused. I don’t know how to face her anymore. she’s good at making things not awkward. I am too. outwardly. but inside me I cry. I scream.
I tear into a gazillion pieces. I know I will.
I don’t know.
the stream still pours.
this is going to be a long night.
dejectium down and out.
06
may 2003
0112
hrs gmt +8