received a letter from my bosses that realigned my outlook in life.
“we are pleased to inform you that we have completed a review
of the current postgraduate policy for our teaching scholars. the enhanced policy will enable you to pursue a Master’s
degree on a sponsorship or bond suspension, immediately after your
undergraduate degree….”
it turned out to be some food for thought. should
I pursue an academic career? should I go on to phd after that? how about life
now?
had astronomical amounts of time to reflect on life in general. think over things that were/are/will be happening in my
life. then I thought, it’d be good to leave this place
for a short while, be on my own, to live on my own. it’ll
help create a new outlook in life for me. I’ll gain exposure, learn about how
things go on elsewhere. and I’ll get the chance to
advance in my field of study. and the master’s would
then just be a bonus.
think I’m quite determined this will be my long-term goal. to
advance to master’s after my honours. on a master’s
scholarship. sounds easy talking, but the requirements
won’t be easy. “local scholars who obtain a first class honours degree may
apple for a master’s scholarship. shortlisted
scholars will be invited to attend an interview after the release of their
honours year results. those found suitable will be
granted a 1-year master’s sponsorship tenable at local or overseas
universities.”
lots of catches. first I have to get a first-class
honours. and that probability is about 7/500 in the
past few cohorts. academic requirements = cap of 4.5 and at least an A- in the honours
thesis. tall order.
then the shortlisting.
then the interview.
lots of hurdles to clear. but I think this long
goal will ultimately take my head off a lot of things. good
to have something else to work on. so no time for
romance. who knows? heard
somewhere that it’s love that picks us, not us who pick love. so I’ll just leave it to fate. what’s
beyond my control, I won’t care. won’t touch.
but those stuff within my control, they better f***ing
beware. cos control them I really
am going to.
that first class degree in english literature, for
example. no problem with having lofty ambitions I hope.
and may evils like arrogance and apathy never set in.
improving in jazz, for example. more or less ok in
classical playing, but my jazz leaves much to be desired. time
to improve too. to swing as coltrane,
as mulligan, as other jazz greats before me.
and being a good human in general. out with
friends today, I just suddenly realised what I really want to be. I want to be
a good friend to my friends. then it extends. a good listening ear. a good
counsellor. a good companion to cheer people up. then it extends. a good older
brother. a good son. a good
grandson.
and don’t laugh.
next up: a good boyfriend, good husband, and good father.
told you not to laugh. quit laughing. =p
that’s one of the rare smiley faces I’ve ever posted here.
and stop laughing. heh.
but I’m kinda serious. realised the heart feels
damn good to do some good deeds. simple gestures like
helping the bus captain with changing his number plates when he needs to,
helping out the elderly, helping people in general. listening
to friends pour out their troubles, giving (hopefully) good advice. taking mum out on a meal – just the two of us. being late for gatherings just to help grandma carry some
heavy stuff. you won’t know how good it feels until
you’ve tried it out yourself, so go try it. altruism
exists – and it warms the heart immensely.
heck, even not responding when someone angers you greatly warms your heart. you tell yourself you have the graciousness to swallow it. whoa. think I better stop before I feel
myself drifting towards nirvana, towards attaining enlightenment. heh.
know I’m probably in no position to advise. but
what I’ve said really shows what I feel nowadays.
then the pangs set in. as I told a friend over icq,
the cheeriness crumbles at night. especially when
secret garden music plays in the background as well. the
pain doesn’t seem to have lessened, yet I feel it might have. I try not to
think of her – I replace her image with other things when I think of her. and that’s damn often. and then
friends will bring up her name. or I’ll see something
that reminds me of her. then the pangs will set in.
the stark realisation that I’ll never be able to do what I’ve been doing with
her recently, ever again. not the same way as before. it’s not her problem. it’s mine. I’ll
never allow myself to be that close
to her to be able to feel again. so I reassure myself
that some distancing is necessary.
regrets though. regrets that I might not be able to
take the same modules that she does for cross-faculty. regrets
that I won’t be able to help her in those modules, help explain to her what the
readings are trying to say. that I won’t be able to
make condensed concise notes for her, notes that stress relevant issues. and I know I’ll be heartbroken to see her not do well in her
studies, cos that breaks her heart too. but guess I don’t have a right to interfere.
cos it’s not within my control.
but we’ll be friends. no longer the type that sms each other regularly. no
longer ones that discuss mundane issues, not one that one will think of to ask
about something that concerns him or her. but ones who
will acknowledge along the streets, give a simple hi and a smile, and then move
on.
but suddenly I realise that contradicts my objective to be a good friend
and listener! shucks.
- 2 minutes later -
I found a way out. heh. sociological theory
says we should have a small dense network of close relationships, and a large wide
network of distant relationships. she’ll have to move
out, I guess. reluctantly. and
I don’t want it to happen. but I can’t.
one crazy day I’m going to map out this thing to see who stands where, but
that’s taking it too far theoretically isn’t it? a
good friend shouldn’t need to do this. heh.
think I better not do it. afraid
I’ll run out of ink.
that last remark’s just to console me that I have too many friends – the reason
why I’ll not hold a 21st birthday party. I can’t decide who to
invite, and I can’t invite everyone cos I can’t
afford the national stadium. heh.
(that’s a joke =p)
okie. I always feel better after writing things out. literati
therapy. haha.
just to promote some books by my idol (Colin Cheong):
in the order that I like these books =p
Seventeen
The
Stolen Child
Poets,
Priests and Prostitutes (I’m reading this now)
Life
Cycle of a Homo Sapiens, Male
that’s about it. realised there’s a record-breaking three smiley faces in this entry. good.
they continue to mask the heartbreak…
dejectium out
13
may 2003
0248
hrs gmt +8