I’ve
found a way to make myself feel less dejected, at the same time injecting some
self-improvement. I’ve finally realised why
everything is so unrequited, even after all these years.
put
simply, I’m just not good enough for her.
looks,
character, humour, caring, a heart of gold, empathy,
all these I sorely lack. that these are always claimed never to be the
prerequisites in someone you are going to trust your life with never figured in
my latest reasoning. with these characteristics amiss, what have I to offer
her? what have I to insure her against all future hurt?
I
don’t want her to go through any suffering again. if I’m not good enough for
her, I should stop trying to convince her I am. and then end up breaking her
heart if things don’t turn out. and mine too.
yet
I know I’d never be able to segregate myself from her. I’d still foolishly endeavour to make sure she gets home
safely, that she takes note of important academic stuff, that she remains all
hale and hearty. and happy.
and
I don’t want to expect anything in return anymore. I can always act like the
great saints, claiming that I don’t need anything in return, but how many of
such saints are there in the mortal world? I just wish I’d be granted this
power, this power to love without expecting or even wishing for any affection
in return.
only
then, I guess, would I be happy.
dejectium out
16 march 2003
0235 hrs gmt +8