attempted to find out from her close friend if I had any rival, and whether she
liked someone else. got no answer. she
said if she said yes, I’d get
depressed. if she said no, I’d get false hopes.
I tend to feel skewed towards yes then.
rodney stark (2001) has this to say about relationships:
sociologists stress that much of what we want can be obtained only from other
people. to be loved or respected, we must induce
others to love us or respect us. however, it costs
other people to give us things, even intangible things such as love and
respect. they invest time and energy in communicating
their respect and love, and they risk the costs of wasting their love and
respect on someone who, if the truth were known, does not deserve it, or who
does not reciprocate.
he kind of put it quite, well, starkly.
i’m back to the confused young man phase. in my
previous entry I’d just mentioned I was feeling damn happy, that everything was
so normal. but what is keeping me waiting through all
these years? will everything just lapse into a great
big fiasco of depression all over again? I keep thinking: I’ve lost her once already, I’d kill myself if
I lose her all over again.
yet I compel myself not to push things too fast, I want to keep stuff at a
normal breathable pace. but how about other people? my insecure selfish persona tells me that the pace I’m going
at will definitely make me lose her to someone else.
all of a sudden, I feel like shouting at her friend: tell me the answer. if she likes someone, and
that someone likes her too, I’ll write myself out of the script. at least let me know it early. or
at least let me not be the last to find out.
I want her to be happy. if she’s happy with someone else, let it be. I’ll recede
into the background again. it’s damn hard to do it,
especially I’m seeing her so frequently nowadays, but at least I’ll try. I’ll
no longer go out of my way to ask her out, to meet her often, to message her or
call her anymore.
at the same time, if all I’m suspecting is all wrong, I want to know if I have
a chance to progress with her. I don’t want a situation where we both feel
really comfortable with each other, yet remain at an
impasse just because I don’t have the guts. (this
second situation, I feel, is impossible though.)
but I still get no answer. all of a sudden I feel like just letting go of
everything, but guess this can be another of my mood swings, where I’ll just
wake up the next morning and feel like messaging her again.
what’s keeping me in this? is it that psyche of man
where the harder you have to work to get something, the more you want to get
it? but she’s not an object. she’s not something that I have to
work to get. I keep going on like a broken record how I want to be able to take
care of her. but in this modern world, is there such
gullible, dare I say it, innocence, anymore?
I have to admit it. she
gives me mixed signals. but then again, my
interpretation and reaction to the signals differ, leaning more towards the
pessimistic. when she’s warm, I tell myself she’s
being herself. and when she’s cold, I tell myself she
doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea. what can I do
to change that? what did he do in the past to make her like him so much?
people will say it’s just the feeling. that you can’t
force love onto someone. people also tell me to stop
it, give up, and move on. move on to who? nobody else is coming into my life now. and
that life is just one big sham. I should just enjoy myself in the company of
all my good friends, or turn gay or something. think I
have a higher chance to attract guys.
I don’t know if thoughtfulness will work.
i take particular notice of
nice pink stuff, cos she loves pink; I take note of
good music, cos she loves nice music; I start a habit
of bringing tissue out, cos she just seems to
perpetually need tissue; I try not to disturb her sometimes, cos she needs lots of personal breathing space. but sometimes I wonder, will she ever know all these?
yet I try to tell myself I’m not doing all these for her. then I realise I can’t kid myself. I’m happy to see that
delighted look on her face when she sees the simple pink eraser I just happened
to buy for her. I want that delighted look on her face forever. I think I can
sense quite well when she’s unhappy, and I try to change that. think I’m devoting too much of my time and my life on
something that might in the end turn out to be nothing.
think I’ve said this millions of times before. I treasure her too much. I can’t
bring myself to do anything that would change the state we’re in. let’s look at
it another way. if it’s someone I just met, and I take a liking to her, I might
just go all out and pursue her, and if things don’t work out and turn awkward, I
can live without that person’s presence for the rest of my life I’d believe. but for her, I can’t. she’s in my life, in a way that I cannot
imagine, cannot bear to see a time when we just can’t face each other due to
awkwardness.
maybe it’s good that we don’t get together at all. then
we won’t break up too.
yeah right. then I’ll remain friends forever and
become a monk.
if anyone’s still reading this, I’m sorry but I think what I’ve written is
a whole load of rubbish that I need to get off my mind. coherence
= naught. logic = naught.
in the end I think I’ll still continue doing what I’ve been doing lately. and still get depressed at her mentions of going out with
that guy or someone else. but I’ll try not to go out
of my way to ask her out, to meet her often, to message or call her, to ask her
out to study together. hope absence makes the heart
grow fonder? remembered, though, that she once said: if I really like someone, I won’t mind
seeing him everyday. I’ll bet she’s bored seeing me three out of four days
this week.
boring insignificant irritating me.
dejectium out
1
march 2003
0218
hrs gmt +8