dunno why, but I’m just putting in more and
more entries about how depressed I am…
guess this is getting addictive. forgot to
mention that my leg’s got a shin infection, got loads of antibiotics after
being sent to the a & e department of Alexandra hospital. dunno why they
sent me there too, guess they didn’t know what’s wrong at that point.
anyway that’s not the point.
how?
life’s really getting quite boring. freedom only on weekends. somehow I feel I’ve quietened down when I’m in the midst of crowds. grown to be less talkative. a friend once said ocs made one grow quiet, less inclined to speak. more serious. maybe sullen. think it’s due to what we know we’re going to face in the coming week. there isn’t much to say when you start thinking about the shit you’re gonna go through the next week. the long runs, the even longer route marches, field exercises. getting tired, dirty and wet. only to gain a reprieve over the weekend. then the same shit again. for the next 5 months, or 20-over weeks.
right now listening to this piece called “prayer” from “autumn in my heart”. it’s been playing and re-playing consecutively since 3 hours ago. yet another sad song. yet I never tire of it. somehow I identify with this music. just the piano only. no need for the singer. music really seems to speak volumes. speaks of how much the heart yearns. for something. for someone. especially when I’ve got loads of time to start thinking, like now. first time home so early on a saturday night. can’t really get to sleep. guess I’ll just have to let my thoughts wander, making myself more and more depressed.
it gets worse when you see lovey-dovey couples. have to agree with what grace says. they make you feel terrible, but it isn’t really their fault that they manage to get together, manage to find someone that they really love. really wish to see all the time. everywhere. and there’s lots of these lovey-dovey couples everywhere.
again I start thinking about my friends. realised I’m close to quite a number of female friends. somehow I find they make better soulmates. but you have to make it clear that that’s what they are – soulmates, and that you’re not going after them. thinking about them one by one, I realise I have lots of female friends, but no-one seems to be that someone special. everyone can easily say the usual “miss you, luv you lotz” kind of messages that I really appreciate, but no one, no special one means it the way that I would really like it to mean. maybe it’s the life I’m destined to go through.
was playing phantom of the opera at band just now. playing it somehow reminded me of angela. right now she’s probably feeling slightly cold in the wet british winter. warwick. sounds damn far. lousy soccer team there too, heh. miss the old times in band where we were all so comfortable with one another. angela loves phantom, and she’d always request to practise phantom, and I’d just have to accede to her request, I dunno why too. it’s a really nice and meaningful piece.
and somehow I link that to chang and eng. nice musical too. cheap at the rate musicals go too. local production, nice music. then I think about miss Saigon, and that makes me think about lovey-dovey couples again. how they hold onto each others’ hands throughout the musical, how they whisper sweet nothings into each others’ ears. how they gaze into each other with loving eyes. how they are able to sit side by side, say nothing, yet understand what each other is thinking without the need for a single word. that’s how beautiful love can be. too bad it’s absent in my life.
never present before either.
must be the looks. the overweight looking body. perhaps the character. the stupid hair, stupid paunch. the lack of guts to tell her I really love her. totally no guts.
and now it’s too late. way too late. now I can’t do anything at all. can’t break them up, they’re so in love. go everywhere I planned to bring her to, do everything I’d planned to do with her. she’s going there, doing them now, just not with me. perhaps I should leave it the way it is. she’s happy. guess that is all I really need to ensure.
me? that’s unimportant. what’s important’s that she’s happy. then at least I can derive that little spark of happiness from hers. little spark to light up the cloud of darkness, cloud of depression weighing heavily on me. I can’t imagine the heartbreak she’ll go through if they break up. only if. much as I hope so, I won’t want that to happen. it’ll break her heart, make her sad. and I don’t want her to be sad. no way. but much as I’m close to him, much as I dote on him, somehow I don’t trust him totally. he had another girlfriend before, but they broke up a year ago. I hope he takes this one seriously, and not fool around with her. I seriously don’t know what I’ll do if anything funny happens.
all’s important is that she’s happy.
trying to make yourself sound great huh? nah… do I sound great? reading through what I just wrote I just think I’m stupid. some masochist who delights in depressing himself, at the happiness of others.
stupid “prayer” continues playing through the system, reaching its climax. sad songs are no good for the soul. saddens the soul. depresses the soul. yet I like them. they make me sad.
they make me sad.
dejectium out
0331 gmt +8
21 oct 2001