bloody sucker for pain, I sure am.
what now again, you wonder.
in
the midst of enjoying myself in england on an
exchange programme, with of course the times when I miss my friends back home,
yet happy to be away from all those reminders of pain and suffering, I chose to
do something stupid that awakened those feelings again.
the story goes thus:
every year, without fail, since I think 6 years ago, I’ve
messaged her (one way or another)
greetings for the chinese mid-autumn festival. it started with pager messages, then on to phone calls, then
on to mobile phone smses.
I
still remember how it started. or rather, how she
started it. I sent her (via alphanumeric pager) a pinyin message of 中秋节快乐 (zhong
qiu jie kuai
le).
then she replied:
海上升明月，天涯共此时。talk about leading one
on haha.
amazingly, I knew the reply to that, so I sent
back:
情人怨遥月，静息起相思。
and she was amazed too that I knew what this meant, and challenged
me to say some more (which I tried).
and from then on, every year without fail, we’d send each
other this short two lines of chinese poetry on
mid-autumn festival.
this year, my hands somehow itched and I went online to
send her an internet sms. (I left out the poem lines
this time. don’t wanna do weird stuff that might irk
her boyfriend). this time, I just said simply: zhong qiu jie kuai
le, and that I wasn’t about to forget wishing her a happy mid-autumn festival
even though I’m in england. (I didn’t wanna say “even though you already have a boyfriend”,
though I felt that way too).
I
regretted it immediately upon clicking on the send button. what
if she shows it to her boyfriend, and he gets jealous? I told her not to reply,
but what if she finds some way to reply, via email or something? I don’t wanna talk to her anymore, as much as I still love her enough
to hope she’s all well. that’s why I’m in
and yup, she did send an email reply. asking
how I was, and the usual stuff.
brought back too many memories.
I
gave a short reply to shorten the hurt.
and trashed the email.
-----------------------------------
entry is disjuncted and fractured
to reflect the author’s mental state.
dejectium out
1526 hours gmt
united kingdom