somehow fonts just change back to this colour.

 

had a long talk with a friend just now. asked him to help me test water some time ago. and he did. and she said she didn’t want me to get the wrong idea.

 

that was a few days ago according to him.

 

thought about a lot of things on the way home. then I see myself in the mirror, and think: I’d be contented if I just become as good friends with her as I were with shuwen. I don’t think I should ask for too much. I really like her, but I believe it should be enough if I stay on very good terms with her rather than to jeopardise this relationship. as she said long ago, aren’t things nice the way we are now?

lessons I deduced / learnt:

 

1. one shouldn’t let his hopes go too high. it’s always best to keep your expectations low, so that when you trip and/or fall,

      you don’t hurt too much.

 

2. things can change. she once told me her ex didn’t have a chance in the beginning, but they still ended up together. but I don’t want to think about this now. confuses me too much.

 

3. when people are nice to you, it doesn’t necessarily need to mean you are special. you can just be another one along the streets. a pawn? that’ll be too cynical.

 

4. don’t push things too fast. it’s best to let nature take its own course. but of course, if nature decides its taking too long, it might just take whatever away from you. I’m contradicting myself. truthfully, I believe I’ve waited far too long. and I’ve lost her once. I don’t want to again. and yet, as he said, things, like sand, slip away faster when you grab it tighter. I just don’t know what to think now. heh, this doesn’t qualify to be listed as a lesson learnt.

 

5. one should just spread all his love to everyone around him. just look at me. I’ve too much love and care bottled inside me these years. won’t it have been better if I treat everyone around me better than what I am now, instead of keeping it for her, waiting in vain for reciprocation? yet the wise people say one should not expect love in return when you give true love. I’d say, I haven’t expected any all these years. but I sure would like to be held in fond regard by someone I love. guess humans just tend to be selfish once in a while. heh, and my secondary school debacle taught me commitment and love aren’t going to be appreciated and acknowledged by certain people anyway.

 

Enough of lessons learnt. guess I’m too confused by how she’s behaving now, and what all the people around me are saying. I need someone who understands my situation now to talk to. but there’s no such person around. and even if there is, they don’t have the time for this. tried looking for a good friend to talk to, someone who would understand and give me some advice, but scrolling down the phone book, they’re either too optimistic or too reluctant to say what they really feel for fear of hurting me.

 

but it doesn’t matter. I still don’t know how to feel now. she gives me optimism by the way she’s treating me, yet I don’t dare to expect too much. lesson 1: don’t get your hopes up too high. all I know now is I actually look forward to mondays, when we both attend the same lecture. I’d be satisfied just sitting beside her, thinking things through all over again. yet I don’t want her to see the depressed sullen me. I don’t want her to be affected. I’ve always wanted her to be happy, so there’s no way I’d want her to sit through a lecture with a bore beside her.

 

I really don’t know.

 

dejectium out

12 january 2003

0000 hrs gmt +8

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