only that word can describe how i feel now. only just now, a seemingly trivial and childish incident brought lots of things to my mind.

usually when lessons end at 12.40 pm, i go home with these two other friends. with two tests tomorrow in sight, my teacher released my class earlier at around 12.30 pm. despite the threatening rain falling any time, i decided against leaving earlier and waited for them for fifteen minutes.

stupid. i just sat there and waited without realising that they could actually walk out without coming into the band room. another friend came in and told me they had left already. i know this sounds childish, but why, why couldn't they have thought about me just like how i thought about them? maybe it's just my stupidity. i had no right to expect them to come into the room to look for me. but are those two tests really that important? so important that spending a few seconds just to wait for a friend cannot be spurned?

dashing out after them, i caught up with them at the bus stop. i'm not that kind to make things big, so i just kept quiet. they were just happily making excuses, though they did apologise… "about to page you"… yeah right… page me to tell me they're leaving without me? maybe it's the rain too… it's about to rain you see, might get wet… yeah… so i won't get wet? why did i wait behind for 15 minutes just to dash to the bus stop?

it would be easy to just walk out of school the next time i get let off early; there's no guarantee that i'll be able to meet up with them… blame it on the fact we’re from different classes yah? sigh… why did i get so upset over such a small thing?

maybe i care too much, maybe i think too much. care too much about friends… the smart ones always say friends shouldn't expect anything in return… i thought so too… until today the feeling of being stood up was so overwhelming.

to make myself happy, i just told myself there's no compulsion for them to go into the band room… i waited for them out of my own accord, so i shouldn't get upset at all. but i can't help it, really can't help it… i really think i care too much.

maybe the selfish way not to get upset easily is not to care at all. just do whatever i wanna do without thinking about others, like how others do things. maybe that's the definition of friends in today's study-and-study-and-study world. self, before others.

no. i can't do that. it's just not right. i donch know. i'm too confused now. i need to sleep, to forget this stupid and childish incident. like i said, i don't like to blow things up, so i'll never raise this thing again.

only one thought comes to mind now. if i hadn't stayed to wait… …