a bit of sunshine for you?
I know you’re feeling down dear friend, and
it’s not the easiest time to be down. affects everything. can’t concentrate.
feel like dying.
you can’t. have to stay strong through it. almost
defiant. like a flag flying high despite its surroundings being reduced to
rubble.
I won’t ever get to feel what you’ve exactly
gone through. never been in that stage. never been to that stage. can’t
tell you all the nice things of how to get over it. but we’re in about the same
state. same sad state.
but I can’t let this get me
down. if I keep thinking of dying I’d easily be able to kill myself. playing
with explosives… simply refuse to take cover and let myself be blasted to bits
by the explosives. fire a short burst of the MG into my own guts and say bye to
the world. activate a grenade and throw myself on it.
I don’t even have to do it on purpose. wallow
in my own pitiable sorrow and lose my alertness and the same things can happen.
sorrow is too dangerous. we have to lift
ourselves above it. elevate ourselves to a different level and seeing things
above the heads of others. no use hurting friends who really care by doing
stupid things to ourselves. I’ve played the role of “friends who really care”
before… trust me it hurts. I’ve only cried thrice in my teenage to adult years.
once when cindy died, the other when grandpa passed away. and for the former, I
can’t believe I actually broke down in the first day of my nco camp, as the IC.
in front of my own platoon, of all the instructors. missed her so. for
granddad, I had to hide it. had to be the pillar of strength for mum and sis.
hard to be a man… haiz. men don’t cry. the other one was grad nite. that’s a
different story.
anyway I digress. maybe things aren’t that bad
after all. glad to know that you care too… and hope this will let you know the
feeling is mutual. we both have unpleasant nights, but we’ll know that the sun
will rise the next day – for sure. and that will be the end of one dark night.
seek reassurance from the fact that you are not alone – men don’t cry, but
still feel as terrible.
take care, my friend. don’t let it get you
down.
(on a jovial note, I’ll be out field training
for these four days. shan’t be able to harass you every night with stupid sms.
if you’re really hard up for them, you can imagine their presence =p hehe…)
dejectium out
going to meet
you soon =)
17 sept 2001
1230 hrs