gone.
gone – all hope.
think it hasn’t been really long since my last dejected entry… just seven and a
half months… but just too many things have happened.
as expected,
the expected has happened. I have had to wish them all the best. that guy has
done in four months what I couldn’t do in four years – win her heart. dejectium
amplified.
and what’s
worse? I’m on good terms with that guy too. he’s a friend… someone nice. and
guess who told me? like the good friend she always was, and still is, she
announced chirpily through an alphanumeric page that she’s attached to him. and
I believe I was one of the first few to know about it. talk about really good
friends. guess we’re steeped too deep in the “friends zone”, till further
advances are impossible.
though
expected, I was obviously still stunned. obviously I lack something important
that that guy possesses. I know I can’t sweet-talk… especially when she’s not
my girlfriend or anything close… I mean… you don’t sweet-talk a friend like
what you would say to someone special. I know I’m not good-looking… and not as
nice in personality compared to him. let’s just say I’m a loser.
took quite
long to recover from the initial shock. took quite a few drinks too. bad thing
this has done my alcohol tolerance level no good – I’m much better now at
drinking. it means money… need more and more to forget stuff… not healthy.
haiz… what can
I do? I will definitely not do anything to harm their relationship, since both
are good friends. the worst thing about it all was that I had to grit my teeth,
control my emotions and wish them both the best. I don’t think anyone can
describe that torrent of conflicting emotions I was feeling then. impossible. and
what happens the next day? she calls and talks… about how life’s been so far…
about everything, as if nothing has happened. the complex female being…
people who I confided
in say I’m stupid, but I’m going to continue doing what I have been doing for
the past few years. wait. and wait. as much as I hope nothing bad happens to
their relationship, I can’t help but still harbour a little bit of hope. it
might take 1 month… it might take one year. I have nothing to lose… and all to
gain.
people tell me
to give up. considered that, but she’s really too much of my life now I can’t
forget her like a simple crush. people say she’s toying with me. if that’s so… I’ll
have to find out the hard way. people say I stand no chance – she forgot my
birthday – I just try to take it as much as I can in my stride, as hurt as I could
have been. friends stand by me. and hopefully that’s enough to take me through
these trying months.
time has not
passed exactly smoothly. army life’s been a gigantic pile of shit. why did I have
to get myself into such tough training? why must I always do my best in the
things I do? and end up getting more work to do? train to be an officer… that’s
a long long way to go. ten long months. what can I use to occupy my mind, to
pull me through all the training? the mountain climbing, survival course, and
all the forces of nature? at least in the past I could look forward to talking
to her every weekend or so… but now she’s attached, it isn’t exactly nice that I
try to “cut lanes without showing signal”, in the words of one wise friend. love’s
funny. I can’t seem to do without it, yet I’ve been without it all my life.
maybe it’s
destined that I remain unattached. unwanted. unneeded.
couples break up.
at least they have tasted the dolce vita. I haven’t, and I’m already
unceremoniously left on the wayside.
without a
second look. unattached. unwanted. unneeded.
when will I find
someone for me to love, to take care of, to dote upon?
feels like
never.
maybe never.
dejectium
09 september 2001
0550 hrs GMT +8