one tight slap to the face.
this may seem a small incident to the surrounding people, but I
think I’ve got to get this off my chest. if anyone
should find what I’m describing familiar, please treat it as fiction. as I say again, I only want to get this off my chest and
over with.
it starts as a friend (let’s call him D) has the hots for X. and this hots thing
started quite long ago, before things blew up between me and her. and it
also happens that X is a good friend of her
too. and as all circles must go, D is my good friend
too.
and of course, being the good friends we are, I try to help
him, and she tries to help him too.
and just as we started helping things along, things blew up
between me and her, and I sought a
period of distance away from her. and thus I only
maintained intermittent contact with her. infrequent
messaging, mostly on her initiative, I’m no longer updated about what’s going
on in her life anymore. not that I don’t want to, but
as I’ve always said, it hurts to see her. suits me
just fine to know that she’s all well.
but it turns out that I see X more often, and D of course,
since he’s my friend. and I already knew D had quite a bit of contact with her since those two girls are good friends
(starting to get a bit confusing eh?), even going out together (D and her) to buy X’s birthday gift. of course I trusted that nothing’s going on, and I’m still
sure nothing’s going on between the two of them (D and her). anyway I also just realised that I don’t have the right to dictate her life or who she goes out with. (but I still have to get this off my chest).
the problem is, having not seen her for such a long long time – in fact the longest this year at least – I meant
to ask her out one day. just no guts to, afraid that
she’d misunderstand that I haven’t gotten her message through to my puny head. but I was making early plans nonetheless. was
thinking of asking her out for a movie – ju-on. some horror show.
and guess what?
another friend, Y, told me that D’s watching it with her – not X – but her. of course there’s nothing going on. and of course I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but it
still felt like one tight slap to my face no matter how small this matter is. firstly
I don’t have a right to prevent my friends going out with her, secondly watching
a movie isn’t a big deal, and I could go on and on about how I’m overreacting.
then I bring in my arguments.
I didn’t act first, and I didn’t tell anyone, but I was intending to ask her
out to watch it with me. and got beaten to it. that’s my own problem. so I basically
slapped myself with that. then, D knows about what
happened between the two of us. I’m just feeling a bit hurt about his
insensitivity even though I know he doesn’t mean anything. I’d like to think
that they – he and she – would actually
make a good couple because I know he’d take good care of her, but that’s
another matter altogether.
it’s all just an accidental slash to an overly-vulnerable heart
already laid exposed to the vultures.
ok. time for self-resolution and
gratification.
(1)
I have no right to bother about his life, nor her life.
(2)
there’s nothing wrong with watching a movie.
(3)
I trust him
(4)
but point no. 1 overrules 3, so 3’s invalid
(5)
I’ve already resolved to let go, to not hang on to any futile
hopes, so I shouldn’t be feeling upset over this at all.
(6)
I’m having a busy enough life already, filled chock-full with
things to do, so I don’t need to bother with this.
(7)
I’m through with attempts at relationships. love
just brings unhappiness ultimately, from disappointments to break-ups to
divorces to death.
(8)
I’d rather concentrate on other stuff. studies,
making money, making friends, playing the saxophone.
ok. self-gratification done. suddenly after letting all go I feel much better. as if this whole thing hasn’t happened. good.
but I’ve been watching quite a bit of tv
shows recently, and I just watched a video of today’s “A Child’s Hope” and the
telecast of buffy the vampire slayer too. realised a similarity through all
soaps. that they very often spoke of unrequited love. then
I reasoned: if these shows so often spoke of unrequited love, that must mean
that this shit happens damn often, and it’s damn common everywhere. and therefore my case isn’t any special at all. and I should learn to let go as how everyone else does.
yay. well-done.
self-gratification yet again. think
I’m acquiring the skills to be aunt agony at some tabloid soon if I keep at
this.
glad to get all these off. hope no
negative ramifications on anyone reading this.
but I jolly well know I’m going to have a packed day tomorrow
starting from 8 in the morning to 10 at night!
dejectium out
0206 hrs gmt +8
p/s: I don’t blame D at all for this whole thing. he didn’t mean it. and it’s not
supposed to impact me anyway. really.