depression again?
think I’m a real stupid, silly person. I keep
doing things that make me feel damn depressed. was listening to songs in my
hard disk… sad nostalgic songs that remind me of old times, how blissfully
sweet those times were, and how I’ll never be able to re-live them again.
listening to band music, I suddenly realise how
much I really miss my juniors in my section. how innocent they were, unaffected
by whatever was happening “upstairs”. how attached I were to them, how grateful
and affectionate they were towards me. not that I needed them to be grateful,
but it’s a great feeling to feel needed. how easy I’ve gotten along with batch
after batch, all the way to the sec 4s this year. no longer. now I’ve
understandingly distanced. not really an avoidable situation. listening to my
sister talk about the way things are going I no longer feel the spirit that was
once there. the enthusiasm fades, replaced by boredom. gone is the way once
they were eager to learn everything they could. gone are the days I used the
term “we” instead of “them”.
listening to sentimental pop, I realise I’ve
been foolish in affairs of the heart. probably what’s not meant for me will
never be mine. perhaps I’m destined to remain what I am. an overachieving
loser. I’ve got friends, many many friends, many good friends, soulmates and
the like. yet not that someone special. nobody to share my feelings with every
weekend or every night. nobody to shower my attention and affection upon.
whoever I envisaged as that somebody has only served to send me crashing again
and again. right down to the earth. I can never forget, as much as I try, the
fact that she forgot my birthday when the whole world remembered. not that I’m
hard up for it, but it’s the pain, the longing, waiting for that page for one
whole day, then the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next. all the
way till friends found out that she’d forgotten. and then all that came was a
mere happy belated birthday page. why have I ended up this way?
she’s still that special to me. as much as I’ve
tried to platonise the relationship, as much as I’ve tried to hate her,
to repulse me against her, I still can’t change the way I feel towards her. a
feeling developed over four years can never be un-felt in such a short while.
would it take twice that time to alleviate? now listening to the soundtrack of “autumn
in my heart”. I just hate the way I love such sad piano music. I just hate the
way I love it making me depressed. yet I can’t stop.
is there this inherent self-depressing tendency
in me? I just can’t but feel that I’m really a bloody loser. I couldn’t do in
four years what another guy did in four months – gain her affection.
it hurts. it hurts to see her so blissfully in
love. it hurts to hear her mention him, hurts to feel how concerned she is
towards him, hurts to see how fondly she thinks about him. it hurts worse to
reminisce those secondary school days when I accompanied her to school, when no
particular guy really paid any attention to her. days when she cried over the
phone while talking to me, telling me about what’s wrong between her friends
and her. how I panicked to reassure her all was ok.
hurts to know that my gift to her – 999 paper
cranes – would be lying in some dusty corner of her room (or storeroom?) –
forgotten.
hurts to know that she’s probably thinking of
him now.
while I’m thinking of her.
why is one-sided love so cruel to the one doing
the loving?
the heart tears, as the eyes should
the heart tears, as the ripping sound that
should accompany it
cuts and tears, irreparable. infinite. forever.
blood and tears, drip. shower. pour.
but I love you, until my dying day.
2305 gmt+8
19 oct 2001