finally another entry? heh.
well. as they say, the deepest wounds take the
longest to heal. thought that I’d managed to cap a lid
on things till they decided to take a little minor melodramatic turn that gave
me a small scare.
as it was, two nights ago, I dreamt about her. something
that I haven’t done in a long long while. of course, the day to day thoughts still come, albeit more
fleetingly with each day. but the stranger way was how
the dream came about. no plot basically, just a scene.
a scene that left such a deep impression in my mind. anybody
with a little knowledge in psychology will attest to the fact that we dream
three to four dreams every night, and that the only difference lies in whether
we remember those dreams when we wake up. I don’t know why I remembered this,
but here we go…
sorry to disappoint, but basically the scene is: she and I edge past each
other, gingerly, through a narrow passage, me recognizing her but not
acknowledging, her neither recognizing nor acknowledging.
and then carry on where we were respectively heading.
simple enough dream that can prompt a great deal of dream analysis ala freud? I’d
guess that it shows I can take her absence already. yet
probably it reaffirms my innate fear that the exact situation might actually
take place in real life, when one day, I’ll just see her along the streets, and
not wave, whereas she doesn’t notice me. (I discount the possibility of that
happening if she sees me, cos I know she won’t ignore
me). I don’t know how I’d feel if that happens in real life. that
will happen when it happens.
and so, I woke up yesterday, and she more or less occupied my mind for the
whole morning and afternoon. good, though, that I haven’t
heard from her, nor seen her, for almost a month or so already. at least the distancing helps to alleviate the pain.
then the scary thing happens.
in the middle of band practice, I check my mobile, and see a missed call. alarmed, I recognise her home number immediately. couldn’t call back because it was practice time. I wanted to
basically just ignore and see if she’d call back again. then,
I realised I would at least have messaged back in the past, and thus it would
be kind of strange if I just ignored.
so that’s the usual sad story of my heart softening, and sending back a
message…
hey… you called? sorry, at band prac now…
the replies after that were basically about asking me to call her back when
my practice was over because she wanted to ask me some stuff.
what else should I have been expecting? heh…
and so, it happens that she needed to apply for an internship position, and
needed to write a cover letter (which I have been helping a hell lot of friends
to do). needed it urgently, so of course I’d oblige,
as I do everybody. reached home around
well… hope this didn’t sound like I’m trying to elicit sympathy or what. just that I’ve finally got something to update here again, optimism 2004 having been exceedingly
successful in terms of being convincing to the psyche. and
well, I’ve already written my mind out, so I’d doubt there’s anymore need for
me to revisit this little debacle again in the near future.
the march onwards to release…
dejectium out
2202
hrs gmt +8
p/s: oh. I just realised, when I was typing the date, that it’s exactly a
year since she was hospitalised with suspected dengue. she’s
all fine and happy now. and guess I’m fine and happy
with that. life goes on…