you called me.
you bloody hell called
me.
at almost one in
the morning.
and bloody hell I answered
and talked, in yh’s words, like a couple. even though it’s about school stuff.
after numerous messages
the previous day and today, I should’ve expected you to call finally. as you did.
and I endeavoured
to act cold and aloof, to let you get the message somehow that I didn’t want
your presence around all the time. not especially
during this period.
I wanted to ask you why call me? why
not your ever-present omniscient boyfriend who’s studying medicine and would
naturally know medicine more than me? or was he
sleeping or did you find asking me more effective since I’m taking this module
along with you?
or did you
basically need a reassuring voice that would speak to you in loving tones just
before you fall off to dreamland? then why me?
how about the other
classmate who copies oodles of handwritten notes in her handouts? why me? cos
I’m seen to be ever-present? ooh but only your beloved
is ever-present. I just happen to be there. and I happen
to be there all the time. able to explain things to you, figuring them out on
the spot so you can understand when I would never bother to go to such lengths
myself, and heck so for other people. why should i?
and why would you
want to meet at the mrt station before the paper? when you wouldn’t have wanted to a mere semester ago. afraid you’d lead me on then? and
relieved that I’m maintaining a clear picture of what’s going on now? that I would know where’s the hands-off limits? no thanks. your boyfriend is my
good friend. who happened to know all the history
about the two of us. how deeply I cared for you. and you put yourself into his shoes. which
proper sensitive possessive male would be happy with his girlfriend hanging out
with (heck, even meeting) someone whom he knows has been coveting what he now
has for the past five years? perhaps I think too lowly
of him, for someone you would choose would
definitely be someone of integrity, who’d definitely be of much better
character than I am. but yeah, I don’t want to attract
trouble and invoke sensitivities cos I know that his
group/clique now is exactly capable of this kind of jealousy. otherwise why would b feel more jealous for cf than cf himself was? but I digress…
this is one big
reason why I want to go overseas for exchange. in
fact, if you like, the main reason. to get away from all these memories and scars
that get refreshed every time I pass by those places, every time that kind of
weather, every time those songs play, heck, even every time I see land
surveyors. I’d even hope you won’t turn up at the airport the day I fly off for
those 6 months (hell, it’s not confirmed yet, but I’m setting my sights on the
exchange). yeah, I’ll arrange a flight time that no
one can turn up for. but bloody hell he has a car so
he can turn up. well it’ll have to be any day where he
has a test the next day I guess.
so why did you
call me? I don’t want to repeat what I said earlier. I just don’t know why I’m
so weak once I hear your voice. or see you. I’m only
strong, I only feel empowered, when I press that great delete button on my
glorious nokia to erase your sms.
but your thin wispy feeble voice melted me
once again. and that endeavour to be aloof and cold
got melted along with it.
bloody hell.
dejectium out
0157 hrs gmt +8