breakfast at siglap
rather nice place to write my first entry in this little notebook I’m gonna carry with me wherever I go. think it’s gonna be a very private notebook, containing my innermost feelings. now waiting for Christine for breakfast at killiney kopitiam at siglap. nice place. think this block leave’s really bored me. no-one to go out with. saturday nite went out drinking with bmt mates at boat quay got dead drunk, the worst I’ve ever been in my life. can’t even remember how I managed to get home. woke up next morning with a gross hangover. world still spinning. puked. had a shower, went back to sleep.
yet, in the midst of such dizziness, a certain
feeling, certain thought just refused to escape my mind. I realised, even after
so long, that I’m still unable to let go. maybe it’s the increasing culture in
my platoon… the guys are going after attached girls, even my buddy. but I’m not
prepared to do that, especially when both of them are my friends. yet it hurts
me when I hear people say he’s not treating her fantastically well. anyway she
doesn’t complain so I don’t suppose there’s anything wrong happening.
perhaps I’m a fool. still holding on for so
long even after she’s attached. probably the only thing I can say after so long
is again what I’ve been saying all this while: whatever feeling’s grown over 4
years (almost 5 now), can’t be forgotten in a matter of days, or months for
that matter. that’s why it hurt terribly when she immediately refused to attend
my commissioning parade without even a second thought. and you got it wrong,
sq, I’m not angry. it’s called sad. hurt. disappointed.
but what right have I to be so? I’m not anyone special to her. just this one-year-older guy who just happens to accede to all her requests. foolishly.
who knows? I might be posted to this department
after commissioning, where I might have to sever all ties with her for the sake
of security. maybe, then, that’ll be fate’s final sign, that things weren’t
meant to be.
but till then, and I suspect even after then, I
still won’t be able to let go. I’ve been thinking, I’ve had ideas, fantasies of
all the things we’d do should we be together. of the things I’d do to touch
her, to make her happy. but all this is impossible now.
hmm… Christine just called. she’ll be here in 5
min. not nice to let her see me frantically keeping this book. perhaps I’ll
continue this another day? perhaps not…
just a little note for zhiwei. hope your
operation went great, then you can breathe easy again. J
1039 hrs GMT
+8
19 mar 2002
killiney
kopitiam, siglap