Innocence

 

            I've never been innocent.  And even if I was, it ended that night the slavers and those three girls were killed in front of me.

 

            My childhood is just a blur of memories, right there at the corner of my mind but unreachable, tormenting me.  When I see Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan playing, there is a pain inside my heart that makes me wish that I had just a bit of the happiness they have.  I shrug off eventually though, knowing that because of what I've done in the past--the killing, the fighting, the murdering--somehow, it's because of that these two little girls can remain innocent.  If given the choice to go back and change the path my life took, I wouldn't change anything, just so that these two little girls--and the people who I consider my family--can continue to live the peaceful life they have.

            I sit on the small stool in front of the laundry basket, my arms elbow-deep in the suds, scrubbing away at one of Yahiko's gis.  It's full of grass stains, probably from all the falls he's taken the past couple of days.  Kaoru-dono has been rather hard on the boy, pushing him to his limits, but I can see that Yahiko can stand up to it.  He's tough...and yet, he's still so innocent.  Both him and Kaoru-dono.  Just like Suzume-chan and Ayame-chan.

            I sigh and begin scrubbing a little faster.  I don't know what's with me lately.  I've found myself often deep in thought, only being torn from it by Kaoru-dono's concerned voice or Yahiko asking for dinner.  And somehow my thoughts always turn back towards that night with the Slavers...the innocence I lost...

            A hand falls heavy on my shoulder and I startle, my hand instinctively going towards my Sakabatou...but I pause when I recognized the bandaged hand.  I sigh in relief and turn towards Sanosuke, my best friend, and give him the best smile I can muster.  "Ohayou, Sano."

"Yo." He mumbles around the piece of grass in his mouth and plops down besides me, his long legs folding in front of him.  He studies me for a moment, and I raise a confused eyebrow.  "Is something wrong?" I ask.

"Jou-chan told me you've been zoning out lately," He replies, leaning back on his elbows.  He raises an eyebrow.  "Are you okay, Kenshin?"

            The concern in his voice is almost a match for Kaoru-dono's, and my smile starts to strain a bit.  I wish I could tell them...but I don't think I could.  I could subject them to what goes through my muddled mind.  "Nothing." I reply quietly, turning back to the laundry.

            I can feel him staring at me, and I try to ignore it, pushing all my attention to the cloth in my hands.  But suddenly the cloth is ripped from my hands, and I stare up in confusion at Sanosuke, who's standing over me, a smirk on his face.  "Let's go somewhere."

"Oro?" I respond in kind, tilting my head slightly.  Go somewhere?  But I have so many things to do today.  The laundry, shopping, cooking...

"Ya heard me," He grumbles, dropping the sheet back in the basket with the rest and reaching down to grab the front of my gi, hauling me to my feet.  I utter another confused "Oro?!" and stumble into him, my hands pushed against his chest.  His arms wrap around me to steady me, and we freeze...neither of us making a move to pull away.

            I can feel my hands shaking as they are pressed against his chest, his strong arms wrapped around my waist.  For some reason...this feels right...I don't want to move.  He looks down at me, and I swear I see something in his eyes, something...and he pulls away, and whatever I saw fades away.  I sigh and fix my gi, looking up at him again.  "Where would you like to go?"
"Anywhere.  Jou-chan wants to me to get you out for a while..." He trails off, shoving his hands in his pockets.

            I frown.  Once again I'm worrying her.  It's not like I do it purposely...She's too young to understand everything that goes through my mind.  I don't think I'd ever be able to share all my thoughts and my past with her for fear of tainting her...I'd rather sit back and see her smiling and laughing, or yelling at Yahiko or even me, and just see her being her...the one who I protect.

            Sano leads me towards the gate, calling over his shoulder to Kaoru-dono that we'll be back tonight.  For some reason I have a feeling he's taking me either to the gambling houses or drinking...or both.

            But he surprises me this time.  We end up at the river, a place where I would come to fish and mull over my thoughts.  He sits down under one of the large trees and pats the spot next to him; an invitation.  I sit down hesitantly, looking up at him.  "Sano?"

"Jus' thought you might want some time to think...away from the dojo." He explains, folding his hands behind his head as he leans against the trunk.  I lean against it too, closing my eyes and sighing.  Sometimes I think Sano is too good to me.  He's always there to back me up; my partner, my best friend.  I've never had a friend like that before.  And it's weird, really...how I find myself depending on him to be there again and again...

            And I find it's easier to be myself around him.  More and more I realize I drop my facade of the silly rurouni, the false politeness, the use of 'de gozaru' which accents the rurouni's personality...it's just so much easier to act normal around him.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asks softly, his eyes pointed straight ahead.

            I hesitate, bringing my knees up to my chest and hugging them, resting my chin on top.  "Not really," I reply honestly, and I can't help but smile as he frowns.  I sigh and close my eyes.  "I've been thinking about...innocence."

"Innocence?" He echoes, his eyes darting to me. 

"Aa," I answer, pausing for a moment.  "Have you ever watched Suzume-chan and Ayame-chan when they play?"  I ask quietly.

            I can feel how confused he is.  "No...why?"
"They're so innocent...and it's because of what I've done that they can be like that." I explain slowly, opening my eyes again to stare at the river.  "I used to think that what I did was wrong, that so many people didn't have to die...but when I watch them--or even when I watch Yahiko and Kaoru--it makes it seem worth it, in a way."  And you're so innocent too, Sanosuke...I finish mentally, because I know if I tell him he'll just get mad. 

            He grunts softly, turning towards me a bit.  "Then why do you always look so upset?"
"Because then it makes me think of the innocence I lost," I whisper, and he has to strain to hear me.

"Kenshin..." He whispers, but I continue.  "I've never had a real childhood, Sano.  My parents died when I was still so young, and I was sold to slavers...all I can remember from my childhood is death and training."

            His hand moves to my shoulder, and that simple gestures urges me forward.  "Sometimes I wish I could go back and change everything, but then I look at those two little girls..." I sigh and trail off, not able to finish.

            His hand tightens on my shoulder, and his arm slips around my shoulders, hugging my briefly.  "I think I know what ya mean." He says softly.

            I lean into him, resting my head on his shoulder and releasing a shaky sigh. "I guess I should stop zoning out from now on, ne?" I ask in a slightly joking tone, turnng my face to look at him.  He grins down at me and squeezes my shoulder gently.

"Yeah...Or else Jou-chan's gonna worry a lot more." He replies, and I sigh.  I make her worry to much.

"Ya know," He says suddenly, and I look up at him again.  "You fought for what you believed in, right?  Ya shouldn't let the past bother you if ya know it lead to this.  All this innocence you're talkin' about."

"It's easier said then done," I murmur, and he nods in agreement.  "But I feel a little better now that I've talked about it."

"Good." He rumbles, squeezing my shoulder again before letting his arm drop.  Suddenly I yearn for that touch again..."All this talk about innocence is makin' me hungry."

            I laugh and stand up, dusting my hakama off.  "I guess I should go make dinner then." I say happily, smiling down at him.

           He stands up and stretches his long arms over his head, then starts ambling towards the dojo.  I follow quietly behind him, pausing when he stops again, turning towards me the same look in his eyes as earlier.  "Sano?"

            He moves closer to me now, his hand reaching up to rest against my scarred cheek, his thumb caressing the scar and I shudder.  He leans down towards me and presses his lips lightly against mine, and I melt at the touch of of him....

"I'm here if you need me," He whispers against my lips, and I nod mutely, my eyes sliding shut.  He kisses me again briefly before heading back towards the dojo, and I follow a bit after, a bright smile on my face.

            I'll continue to protect all of their innocence, I promise silently, greeting Kaoru-dono at the gate, assuring her that I'm fine and I'll go start dinner.  I spare a brief glane to Sanosuke and smile, mouthing 'Arrigatou' to him before I disappear into the kitchen.  He nods back.

            I WILL protect this innocence.  Even if I've lost mine, there's is more important.