Nothing seems to fill the hole she has left my heart. Now I will be empty tomorrow. No one to kiss under the mistletoe. No one will be there to trade presents with. No one will be there to spend the quiet morning with. All this has left me lonely. Why do I have to be punished? I didn't do anything. I am just the innocent one hurt by all this pain. I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing by kissing that man. Why am I punished because of a mistake? Why does she have to fill my heart with repeating lies? She said I fucked him; but I didn't. All I did was kiss him but can't she understand I was plainly drunk? I went out about 2 hours earlier and had some fun with the crew. We celebrated the championship in grand style. Heck, it was my forth. Robbie thought a forth means we need to celebrate big; so we did. We partied till everyone had enough. That moment she showed up I was drunk already and didn't know what I was thinking kissing that man.

But I will no longer worry because someday my heart will be captured and the pain will end. I won't have to do this. It will make this hurt fall through the cracks. I'll be free to run and not cry any longer. No more pain will swallow me whole.

Everything is coming to the edge now due to my broken heart. Due to her making a big deal out of a mistake. Only she can save me. Her future decisions will determind the future of me. They will determind the fate of NASCAR's biggest star.

Even through I continue to insist the truth, she pushes me away. Each step pushes me deeper. Will someone save me? Or will I fall of the edge? Every word determinds where I'm at. Right now I'm close; someone help me please.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The word trade between me and Jeff is so annoying. Yet I can't break these chains. I want this to be over but I can't seem to have that dream. Not only is Jeff trying to bring me back but the media wants to talk about it. They want to know every single detail of our divorce. Why does it matter?

Everything is growing cold and nothing is left on my mind or soul. I have emptied everything with this divorce. Usually I'd be thinking about Jeff and not wanting any other thought. Yet now all I feel is hurt so I've emptied myself letting life sink in a boat like the Titanic. The end is coming. Addiction needs to end. My connection to Gordon needs to end. I can't let it hurt me but it's like a poision taking over me. It's taking my sadness higher. Why did this happen to me? Why not someone else?