Tangle Love

Part one~

 

Staring into the glittering star at the night, recalling the memory of the man he love, what he still wish for now he cannot understand. The man he love was his lover now, he was deeply love by this man and he was given anything he want by this man but he always felt the lacking of something in their relationship just that he still could not figure what thing it is.

 

Is it because everything went on too smoothly for them? He was somehow afraid of something and he hated this feeling, he did not tell his lover what he had been thinking, he just does not felt like telling him not wanting to bother his lover.

 

He was brought back from his ponderings by the sound of someone opening the door knowing exactly who this person is as he hurries to the living room. Smile spread across his face when he sees his lover, “ you’re back.” His lover had come home late today.

 

“ I’m back.” Kaoru reply and hug his lover giving the younger man a kiss.

 

Toshiya return his kiss and they start a tongues war before Kaoru had the chance to put down his briefcase. Dropping his briefcase Kaoru push his lover onto the sofa and start exploring into Toshiya mouth, hand start to unbutton his lover shirt exposing Toshiya fair skin as he leave kisses along his lover beautiful body. Toshiya moan as Kaoru pull down his trouser violently and start teasing his erected member. Kaoru stop suddenly ignoring Toshiya protest, a grin appear on his face as he move up to his lover, his finger playing around Toshiya nipple. “ Why are you so eager today?” He asks in a husky voice.

 

Toshiya bury his face on Kaoru chest hugging his lover tightly. “ Please Kaoru tell me how much you love me, show me.” Kaoru sits up on the sofa pulling Toshiya with him still embrace in his arms. Not knowing what his lover was up to today but he will never fail to do what his lover had ask him to. Kaoru carry Toshiya up suddenly and went into their bedroom.

 

“ Let me show you now.” Kaoru laid his lover on the bed and took of his own clothes. Toshiya stare perplexity at Kaoru as his heart starts beating wildly when he sees the naked body and solemn expression of Kaoru. “ Why are you blushing?” Kaoru speak with a teasing tone as he climbs onto the bed kneeing with leg parted on both side of Toshiya. “ Let me show you how much I love you Toshiya.”

 

Kaoru rip open Toshiya clothes roughly and starts tasting his lover beautiful body. Toshiya moan get louder as Kaoru hand move to his now erected manhood and stroke it slowly then increasing the speed while his tongues was now playing around Toshiya nipple. Toshiya grip on the blanket tightly while enjoying the sensation his lover was giving him now. Kaoru stopped the stroking and move up to meet Toshiya lips exploring his lover mouth while his finger went into Toshiya opening, stretching it with another finger entering it. Toshiya moan and grasping for some air as Kaoru third finger enter into him. “ I’m ready now.” Toshiya muttered hinting for Kaoru to proceed.

 

Getting his lover hint, Kaoru part Toshiya leg apart and position in between, bending down and place a kiss on Toshiya lips. “ Relax your body.” Kaoru murmur at Toshiya and place another kiss on him. Without a second warning Kaoru thrust into his lover and stay still giving Toshiya some time to get used to it. “ Kaoru…” Toshiya called weakly, trying his best to relax before Kaoru start moving again.

 

Kaoru start moving out of his lover then in again slowly at first and increased his speed after a few time. Tear form on Toshiya eyes with Kaoru movement as he dip his nail on his lover back leaving down some stretch mark. As Kaoru starts moving faster and faster, the pain began to turn into ecstasy for Toshiya causing him to yell Kaoru name again and again.

 

“ … Love you, I love you Toshiya.” Kaoru gave his last few trusts as he came together with Toshiya. He withdraws from Toshiya and collapse on top of his lover giving himself a few minute to cool down before moving beside Toshiya. “ Did I hurt you?” Kaoru place his arm at the back of his lover letting Toshiya to rest his head on the arm.

 

“ No.” Toshiya turn his head toward Kaoru and rest on the man shoulder. “ I love you.” Kaoru embrace his lover, thinking of doing whatever he can just to let Toshiya understand how much he love the younger man. Toshiya look up at Kaoru and gave the man a smile. “ I love you too Kaoru.” He hugged the man falling asleep together soon.

 

 

 

The next morning Toshiya was doing some chores after Kaoru had left for work as the doorbell disturb him, he stops and went to get the door wondering has his lover forgotten something at home. “ Shinya?” Toshiya was surprise to see the man when he opens the door, thinking what is him doing here early in the morning looking so somber.

 

“ Toshiya…” Shinya fall toward Toshiya without warning, clutching onto the man and began crying.

 

Toshiya was confused. Not knowing what to do, he let Shinya into the house first. Toshiya guide Shinya to the sofa and get the man a drink before start asking reason from him. “ Having a fight with Die?” Toshiya started, actually have guessed what might have happen already.

 

Toshiya get to know Shinya and Die after he and Kaoru become lovers, both were actually Kaoru friends. It was not the first time this thing happened and Toshiya was somehow used to it that Shinya and Die often quarrel but Toshiya always believe that it was just quarreling between couples and does not take it much to his heart.

 

Shinya just nodded his head answering Toshiya question and kept silent throughout until Toshiya asked him to take a bath and have some rest while he make him some food. Toshiya had finish preparing the food and notice Shinya has not come out from the bathroom. He get worried out of a sudden and rush into the bathroom to check up on his friend afraid that something might happen to the man. “ Shinya?” Toshiya yelled as he bump into the bathroom.

 

Shinya stared blankly at Toshiya who was now staring at him with wide-open eyes. Toshiya blushed realizing that he was staring at a naked Shinya. “ Err… sorry… I’m just kind of worried that you have not come out till now.” Toshiya quickly close the door behind him. “ Sorry Shin-chan.” He added. Shinya broke into a little laughter upon seeing the reaction of Toshiya. Just then the door opens again and Toshiya was standing there staring at Shinya. “ What all these?” Toshiya was referring to the bruise mark on Shinya body where he just seems to realize when he closed the door just now.

 

The smile on Shinya face faded when Toshiya mention about the bruise marks. “ Did Die do all this?” Toshiya get closer to his friend to have a better view at the mark. There is new and old mark all over Shinya body. Toshiya have already feel the pain by seeing the bruise, he bring his hand and touches one of the old wound as tears form in his eyes. “ Did he?” Toshiya asked again.

 

Shinya remained silent.

 

How could Die do this to Shinya? Toshiya keep asking himself. Shinya did not admit that it was Die doing but Toshiya know it was Die who had did all this to Shinya. Why is Shinya still protecting him? Toshiya was getting angrier as he think of it. So many times but Toshiya never realized it, everytime Shinya would come for refuge in Kaoru place when they quarrel but they never notice the bruise mark on the man and Shinya never even mention about it.

 

“ I’m going to tell Kaoru about it.” Toshiya finally broke the silent after the two men spend about one hour dazing at one another in the living room. Toshiya picked up the phone and was about to dial his lover number but Shinya stops him. “ No Toshiya please…” Shinya voice broke down as he strengthens his grip on Toshiya. “ Why?” Why are you still protecting Die when he had treated you like this?

 

Shinya tears had smoothened Toshiya anger, the later could not bring him-self to do anything that will cause Shinya further distress. “ What are you going to do now?” Toshiya asked again after Shinya stops sobbing. “ I’m not going to let you go back like that this time.” Toshiya declared him-self.

 

Shinya did not answered; neither did he know the answer too. Kaoru… help me. This sentence is struggling inside Shinya, his mind and every part of him was in chaos now. He starts to get afraid of Die, the man who once loves him so much.

 

Shinya mobile rang, breaking the silence between the two men. Toshiya look at his friend who is now staring at the mobile phone screen. “ Is it Die?” Toshiya had guessed correctly and know that Shinya was struggling whether to answer the call. “ Let me.”

 

“ Hello.” Toshiya answered as soon as Shinya finally decides to pass him the phone. “ Alright I’ll be there.” Toshiya said after listening to Die for a while and hanged up the phone.

 

Shinya stared blankly at Toshiya after hearing what he had said. He’s going to meet Die? “ Toshiya…” Toshiya broke his friend words. “ Shinya you wait here, Kaoru will be back soon.” Toshiya went into his room and came back a while later. “ I’m going to see Die now.” Not giving his friend any time to speak, Toshiya was sure that Shinya would stopped him if he let him talk which was what he do not want.

 

“ Waited…” Shinya finally react but Toshiya was already gone.

 

 

 

Die car had just arrival when Toshiya went down the building, as he was already on his way to Kaoru apartment when he calls earlier. Toshiya get into the car without a second thought and Die drove off as soon. It was obvious on Die face that he was in extremely bad mood but Toshiya was not taken back by Die, he was going to get to the bottom of the whole situation before he decide whether to help the couples up again where he usual do with Kaoru. Maybe we are the one who had pushed poor Shinya back to Die for ill treatment. Toshiya sighed as he come to think of this, if they did not advise Shinya to go back to Die everytime Shinya had come to seek refuge after quarreling with Die. If we can get to see the bruise earlier we could have stopped Shinya to go back.

 

They stopped the car in an open space not far away from Kaoru apartment. Die get down his car and light up a cigarette. “ How’s Shinya?” He asked as soon as Toshiya get down the car. Toshiya slam the door closed. “ You still worried about him?” Die stared at the man, not quite understand what Toshiya means at first. “ Why? Of course I’m worry about him, he’s my Koi.”

 

“ Cut your act.”

 

Die laughed merely. “ Cut my act huh?”

 

“ What are you laughing at?” Toshiya was getting annoyance. “ I’ve see the bruised on Shinya body. If you really love him you won’t do that to him!” Toshiya was waiting for Die to explain, guessing that Die would give him all sort of reason but he did not.

 

“ I love Shinya more than anything.” Die smiled faded. “ If he can treated me the same…”

 

Toshiya was taken back by Die words, what was Die talking about? But the expression on his face wasn’t acting moreover Toshiya could feel Die sadness when he talks about Shinya. Anyway it was still your fault for causing the wound on Shinya, came to think of it Toshiya regain his determined to get to the bottom of it.

 

Shinya was my Koi and I love him true heartedly. I was overjoyed for days when he accepted me that time. Believing that I finally have him, his everything and included his feeling toward me was all so real for me in the beginning. Do you know how long I had waited before Shinya accepted me as his Koi. It was when I realized thing wasn’t like what I had think because I notice Shinya was still very much in love with ‘him’.

 

“ Him?” Toshiya was surprised.

 

Yes. Shinya was in love with this man for years and he never give up waiting for this man even when they did not keep in touch within these certain two years. I thought Shinya had finally given him up when this man had a lover and Shinya had accepted my love because of that. You know my belief for Shinya shattered when I realized he was still in love with that man. It was hurting me like hell, the feeling was killing me when I sees him crying when he think of that man.

 

“ And you beat him up because of it?”

 

I was wrong to abuse him like this but I was out of control hence. Shinya had promised me to forget that man but every time he broke his promised. I get so jealous over it and ended beating him. I’ve tries to control myself but I fail everytime though he always forgive me but I know he was just trying to make up for his guilt toward me. It not what I wanted from him, I don’t need his forgiveness for beating him all I wants from him was his heart. Only if Shinya can forget that man and love me wholeheartedly.   

 

Die isn’t the man Shinya love wholeheartedly? Does Kaoru also know about the fact?

 

Die face away from Toshiya and throw his cigarette on the floor looking at the dark sky. “ Don’t you want to know who that man is?” Die turn around facing Toshiya and gave the man a fake smile. “ His my best friend your Koi, Kaoru.”

 

KAORU?

 

Toshiya stared blankly at Die totally stunned.

 

 

 

Kaoru opens the door expecting to be greeting by his beautiful Koi who will run toward him hugging and kissing him to welcome him home. Thinking of this, a contented smirk appears on his face. “ I’m back.” He yelled and was somehow disappointed when he did not hear Toshiya voice guessing that Toshiya wasn’t home yet.

 

“ You’re back…” a nervous voice totally surprise Kaoru greeted him.

 

Shinya?

 

 

 

Shinya was in love with Kaoru long before you know Kaoru.

 

Does Kaoru know about it?

 

I don’t think Shinya had tell him about it…

 

“ You’re back.” Kaoru voice brought back Toshiya attention and was smiling cheerfully to Toshiya who just blankly stare back at him. “ Are you alright?” Kaoru began to get worry when he notice Toshiya does not look good.

 

“ Kaoru… I felt upset now.” Toshiya eyes redden as he fall onto his lover.

 

Kaoru was taken by surprise but at least he felt relax that Toshiya had tell him he is upset which he always does, at least Toshiya was coming to him for comfort, believing him and taking him for shelter when he need and this is what Kaoru want. “ Shh, it’s okay.” He pads at his lover comforting Toshiya. “ I’m here okay.” 

 

Toshiya take a deep breath and clear his tear, he was feeling better now at least. He lifts his head from his Koi and was greet with another disappointed face standing behind them. Shinya immediately cover up his disappointment when he meet Toshiya eyes and gave the later a smile hiding his feeling. Toshiya felt uneasy hugging Kaoru in front of Shinya now after he know Shinya love for Kaoru, he leave Kaoru body immediately.

 

Toshiya could not get to sleep that night having the thought that there is another man who is also in love with his lover was now sleeping in the next room had make him felt uneasy. He keeps tossing around until he can’t stand the heat that was attacking him and he got up to have some fresh air, cursing the air conditional for breaking down.

 

“ Totchi what’s wrong?” Toshiya had wakened Kaoru when he got up from the bed. Kaoru sits up and switch on the bed light, looking at his lover he could sense Toshiya wasn’t all right. Need not said Kaoru was still bother by his lover depression earlier on but Toshiya just did not want to talk to him about anything after that so he dare not ask further afraid of upsetting the younger man again.

 

Toshiya get back onto the bed.

 

“ Totchi?”

 

He stare at his lover just then he realized how beautiful Kaoru actually is, no wonder Shinya love you too, he thought. Not only that Kaoru was good looking and smart, he was also so caring toward Toshiya. Toshiya give a long sigh as he think of that, what if I was going to lose you. This thinking hit through his mind and sadden suddenly occur in Toshiya heart. This sudden pain was unbearable to Toshiya and this was when he finally realized how much he loved this man.

 

“ To… Tot…chi…?” Kaoru get anxious when he sees his lover eyes starts reddening while tear was soon form in those pair of beautiful eyes.    

 

“ Kaoru.” Toshiya get serious all of the sudden, wiping the tears that have just drip down his face and glazing at the man. “ I just realized how much I love you.” (Wah Kawaii Totchi ^O^, so straightforward and so much like him.)

 

Kaoru blushed not expecting to hear this from Toshiya out of the sudden. His lover was a straightforward person always showing his happiness and sadness on his face and will always tell Kaoru whenever he is feeling happy or sad but what Toshiya had tell him now worth more then anything, Kaoru was feeling so content now.

 

“ Ne Kaoru…” Toshiya rest his face on his lover chest. “ Do you love me the same as I love you?”

 

Kaoru embrace his lover. “ I love you more than anything.”

 

“ Really?”

 

“ Of course Totchi.”

 

“ Then show me…”

 

 

 

Shinya could not get into his sleep too. The man he loves was just beside his room, Shinya could felt his heart beating faster the moment he thinks of Kaoru. What is he doing now? Shinya gave up the thought immediately, he doesn’t want to continue thinking as it will soon remind him that there is another man sleeping beside Kaoru at this moment.

 

Feeling thirsty he got out of the room to get some drink for himself. Shinya was returning to his room when he heard moaning sound as he passes by Kaoru bedroom. It was from Toshiya, Shinya could easily identify the voice. Griping tightly onto the glass of water in his hand, Shinya tries to ignored the moaning but the voice seem to get louder and louder in Shinya ear though it wasn’t really that loud, finally Shinya broke into tear and run back to his room.

 

There’s nothing I can do.

 

Shinya place the glass of water on the table before falling onto the bed covering him-self with the blanket and let out his cried.

 

 

 

“ Is it enough for me to show you my love?” Kaoru tease, holding Toshiya in his arm letting his lover to rest on it. “ I can show you more if you really that demand.” He broke into laughter knowing Toshiya could not take it anymore.

 

Toshiya pouted.

 

The lover went silence for a while enjoying each other present. The night was long for them but still they wish that it would be longer so that they can enjoy each other company longer. Kaoru held Toshiya closer to him letting their bodies touch so that to keep themselves warm. Kaoru hand starts moving around his lover body feeling the soft skin of Toshiya, he was glad that Toshiya was his and no other man can see this beautiful body other than him, his love for this man was more than anything that can explain. Only he wish Toshiya can really understand how he feel for him, Toshiya was more important than anything to Kaoru. Kaoru stopped his exploring at Toshiya hand holding his lover hands in his to give them warm.

 

“ Kaoru you do love me huh?” Toshiya just wanted to make sure again not knowing everytime when he ask this question it will upset Kaoru because Kaoru will felt that he had not give enough love for the younger man therefore Toshiya keeps on asking him the same question.

 

“ Of course I love you Totchi.” Kaoru just did not felt sick of answering this question even he had been saying the same thing for aged, he just do it as long as it let Toshiya feel secure.

 

“ You won’t leave me for another person huh?”

 

It hurts Kaoru heart again.

 

“ No Totchi.”

 

“ You will always be with me huh?”

 

“ Yes dear.” Kaoru felt his heart breaking when Toshiya keeps on questioning, blaming everything to him-self that he had not show enough love for the younger man therefore letting Toshiya to feel so insecure. “ I’m not going to leave you no matter what, I always love you Totchi.” He places a kiss on his love forehead.

 

Toshiya smiled.

 

Kaoru felt his heart healing just to see the smile on his lover face, even it is for this moment, and as long as Toshiya feels happy Kaoru will be satisfied.

 

Toshiya rest his head on Kaoru chest. “ Ne Kao… what if someone tell you they are in love with you?”

 

“ There’s nothing I can give them back if it happened, I will reject them because you’re the only person I love.”

 

“ What if he’s someone you know?” Toshiya paused. “ … I mean someone you always cares about?”

 

Kaoru sense something in his lover question this time.

 

“ Kaoru?”

 

“ Is there something wrong Totchi?” Kaoru move his lover to face him. “ What’s in our mind? Why are you asking all this Totchi?”

 

Toshiya was panic for a moment. He did not actually want Kaoru to find out anything about Shinya because he still believe that Shinya was not going to tell Kaoru about his feeling or he will have done it long ago but Toshiya was still worry about the matter and had just realized how much question he had been asking his lover till now.

 

“ Nothing Kaoru, I was just asking what if…” Toshiya gave a nervous laugh trying to bring everything over.

 

“ Really?”

 

Toshiya nodded follow by a chuckle. “ Who will anyway fall for an old man like you?”

 

“ Totchi…!”

 

You’re hiding something from me was I right Totchi?

 

 

 

 

 

Part Two~

 

It had been a few days since Shinya live in with them. Days go on perfectly normal for the three men on surface as each having their own problem in their heart. Shinya is trying hard to hide his hurt emotion from what he had heard every night, moaning coming out from the room of the man he love. Toshiya is trying to act as normal as possible in front of Shinya expecting the man still did not know that Die had already told him the fact that Shinya is in love with Kaoru. While Kaoru was still bother about his lover was hiding something from him.

 

Kaoru had just left for work and Toshiya had gone to the supermarket to buy thing for their dinner leaving Shinya behind who volunteer to do the sweeping and mopping. Not long after Toshiya left, the doorbell rang stopping Shinya work.

 

Shinya peek through the door-hole and his heart sank immediately. He had nearly forgotten about this man.

 

“ Come in.” Shinya opens the door and let the person in.

 

I must do something to our relationship now.

 

Die sits down and stare at the man he love and also had abuse often. “ Shinya, I’m sorry…”

 

Shinya stopped Die from saying anything. He does not want to hear any apologize from Die. Shinya does not have any hatred toward this man that had abuse him because he know clearly the whole problem between their relationships was cause by him-self. If he had not accepted Die at that time when he knows Kaoru had a lover nothing would have happened now and Die will still be the friendly and caring man that he used to know. He was the one who was hurting Die and changes the man so Shinya know that he have no right to put blame on Die. He was obviously using Die love toward him for shelter at that time and now Shinya regret his doing.

 

For so long he had try to forget Kaoru and love Die wholeheartedly but everytime he fail when he sees Kaoru again. His promise towards Die fail not only once and Shinya too had lost count on how many times he had promise Die to forget about Kaoru. Die tolerant finally reaches his limit and he start beating up Shinya. The pain on his body wasn’t really hurting Shinya because he sees that as a punishment from Die, he know he deserves it.

 

Shinya often goes for shelter in Kaoru place after quarreling with Die because Shinya knows that Die will blame him-self for using violence on him, which Shinya does not want Die to do so but this is all excuse Shinya had given him-self. He understands clearly that he just want to see Kaoru.

 

I can’t lie anymore. I love Kaoru…

 

“ Die let’s break up.” Shinya break out after he finally makes up his mind.

 

Die was too stun to react for the first few minutes and keeps on staring at Shinya. Shinya never request a break up from him no matter how he had beaten the man up in the passed. Die hate him-self now, he always wanted to control him-self but he had fail everytime and now the man he love was going to break up with him.

 

“ Shinya I’m really sorry, I promise I would never use violence on you in future. Please take back your words.”

 

“ I’m sorry Die. It was all my fault and you should understand what I mean.” Shinya was referring Die knowing his love toward Kaoru. “ I didn’t blame you for beating me up because I deserves it. I know this is unfair to you after all the effort you put on me but I want to stop lying to myself.”

 

“ Shinya… please.”

 

“ Die you know more clearly than anyone, I love Kaoru.” The last sentence was heartbreaking for Die.       

 

    

 

  

Toshiya just steps out of the lift where he bang onto someone causing all the bags he was carrying shattered on the floor, he curse quietly inside and glare at the person waiting for an apologizes or something but the man just ignore Toshiya and walks into the lift leaving. Toshiya was stun for a minute remembering the look on the man face, the man he also know. It was a look of grief and anger, this was the first time Toshiya had see this expression on Die.

 

Just then something strike his mind. Toshiya hurried back to his apartment afraid that something might have happen to Shinya.

 

“ Shinya!” Toshiya yelled as the door open where he sees Shinya staring back at him with a doubtful look on his face. “ Are you okay?”

 

Shinya realized that Toshiya must have run into Die earlier on and was worry about him. “ I’m okay.”

 

“ But Die…?”

 

Toshiya look hesitated.

 

“ We’ve just break up.” Shinya decide to tell Toshiya about it since there is nothing needed to be hid.

 

“ Break up?” Toshiya gave a nervous expression.

 

Shinya sees the expression on the elder man face and gave the man a smile. “ I’m really okay Toshiya, we have settle everything and I’m going to alright.”

 

You’ve ended your relationship with Die? Are you going to tell Kaoru your feeling then?

 

Unknown to Shinya that this is what Toshiya was actually thinking that give him the nervous look. The thing that Toshiya had afraid most finally occur, he cannot effort to lose Kaoru now and he too cannot bring him-self to hate Shinya because he always treated Shinya as a good friend of his. Even after he get to know Shinya feeling from Die, Toshiya still hopes that nothing would changes that will destroy their friendship.

 

Toshiya likes Shinya, as a friend but he will never give up Kaoru for Shinya unless…

 

Kaoru decide to give me up.

 

Toshiya felt himself shaking as he think of that.

 

             

 

Toshiya and Shinya were acting as normal that evening when Kaoru return. Together they have their dinner, watch TV program together and have some chat before going to bed. Shinya was acting perfectly clam in front of the two men. Deep inside his heart, Shinya was terribly upset for no reason since he breaks up with Die. Thinking that he was upset because he had causes so much hurt to Die.

 

Kaoru move onto the bed taking his position beside his lover and seated down. Toshiya as usual will move nearer to Kaoru and rest his head on the elder man shoulder before they start chatting on what had happened the whole day, which was their usual practice everyday. Sometime Kaoru will tell Toshiya thing about his work and new peoples he meet whereby Toshiya will tell Kaoru what he have do at home for the whole day and for these few days, Toshiya had more thing to tell his lover because of Shinya.

 

“ Die is here this afternoon.”

 

Kaoru patiently wait for his lover to continue knowing there will be something more to meet with Die coming to look for Shinya.

 

“ They’ve break up.”

 

The news was astonished to Kaoru. He did not expect Shinya to had break up with Die from the way Shinya was acting so cheerfully earlier on. He know Shinya too well, the young man was trying to keep his sadness in front of him and Toshiya not wanting them to get worry for him.

 

“ It no good…” Kaoru brut up suddenly.

 

“ Huh?”

 

“ That silly man must be crying in his bed now.” Kaoru explained.

 

“ How did you know? Shinya was still so cheerful just now.”        

 

“ I know him well, he just doesn’t want us to get worry.”

 

You know him well…

 

Toshiya feel a bit of unhappy but did not show out. Kaoru did not realize it this time since he was thinking about Shinya and not knowing that it had upset Toshiya. He decide it will be better not to comfort Shinya at this moment as it will make thing worse since he know from aged ago that comforting Shinya when he is sad will upset him more.

 

“ I want to sleep now, I’m tired.”

 

“ Alright, good night then Totchi.” Kaoru place a kiss on his lover forehead and cover him with the blanket before switching off the light bed, still not realizing his lover unhappiness, which he always does when Toshiya was upset. “ I love you.” He whispered to his lover but no reply came.

 

Thinking that Toshiya might have fallen asleep, Kaoru ignore the reply and went to sleep soon.

  

 

        

Toshiya opens his eyes a while later sensing that Kaoru was fast asleep. He left the bedroom quietly without waking his lover wanted to prove Kaoru was wrong. Might as well said that he wish his love were not right of his saying about Shinya just now. Toshiya quietly peek through the slightly open door and immediately see Shinya back facing against the door. Toshiya could see clearly that Shinya body was shaking and the man was indeed sobbing.

 

Jealousy fills Toshiya upon realizing how well Kaoru had known Shinya. 

 

If it wasn’t because of my existence will they become lover then?

 

Remembering how well Shinya also know Kaoru. There is still thing Toshiya does not know about Kaoru but Shinya know almost everything because they grew up together and Shinya know more clearly than anyone about the childhood Kaoru.

 

Toshiya runs back to his bedroom and leap onto his sleeping lover waking him up. His eyes were cover with tears that shocked Kaoru. Kaoru does not know what had happen but he felt his heart hurt to see Toshiya crying in front of him. Anxiously he held the man in his arm and comforts him before asking any reason.

 

“ Kao… Kaoru…” Toshiya was trying to speak up properly and hold back his sob. “ I’m extremely upset now.” He hugs his lover.

 

Kaoru sweatdrop. What the hell was happening that Toshiya suddenly wakes him up crying and tells him that he was upset plus ‘EXTREMELY’? “ What happened Totchi?”

 

Toshiya sobbed louder.

 

“ To…Totchi…?”

 

Kaoru hoped his lover cries would not disturb Shinya.

 

“ Shh… Shh… It’s alright now.” Kaoru hug his lover securely and pad his back comforting him.

 

   

Kaoru broke up laughing when he finally knows the reason from Toshiya after he stops crying. Part of Kaoru was happy that his lover cry because he was so jealous over Shinya while the other part of him was somehow upset since it was because of him that had make Toshiya cry.

 

“ Silly.” Kaoru tap his lover head lightly. “ If you want to know, I will tell you every single thing about my childhood. I promised what Shinya know you will also know. Moreover you did know something that Shinya does not.”

 

Toshiya pouted. “ What thing?”

 

Kaoru whispered to Toshiya and the later blushed hard.

 

Toshiya suddenly realize how silly he is to get jealous over this thing. Maybe he was too afraid that Kaoru might leave him for Shinya that had causes him to start thinking wild.

 

Kaoru love me so I must have more belief in him.

 

Toshiya keeps telling him-self though he still feels some insecure.            

 

Kaoru know this was not the entire thing that was troubling Toshiya, understanding that there might be something more his lover was hiding from him. What was it that was troubling you Totchi? Why don’t you tell me about it?

 

        

 

Die had come to look up for Shinya several time but the later refuse to see him knowing that Die was asking for reconciled. After the few attempt, Die get dishearten and had gone missing since then. As for Shinya, he decide to look up for a new place so that he can move out since he had been disturbing Kaoru for a long time and mostly was because he could no longer stand the loving atmosphere of the lover and was afraid that he might do something that would ruin their relationship.

 

Shinya did not want to ruin Kaoru relationship and he likes Toshiya too because Toshiya was a really good friend to him. He had decided to be their lifelong friend and this is the best way to remain beside Kaoru too. Therefore he should move out of their world before jealousy overtakes him and he would do another regretful thing.

 

 

 

Shinya was packing his belonging when he heard arguing sound follow by the banging of the door. Curious, he took a peek outside and saw Kaoru holding his pillow was standing outside his bedroom. Kaoru saw him and give him a silly grin, putting his pillow on the sofa as Shinya walks outside his room.

 

“ Are you alright?” Shinya asked concern.

 

“ Don’t worry Shin-chan, this happen almost once a month.” Kaoru grin. “ See I annoy Totchi again but everything will soon be fine.”

 

Shinya sweatdrop.

 

“ How’s your packing then?” Kaoru just walked out of the kitchen with two can of beer in his hand. “ You’ll be moving out tomorrow right?” He passed one of the can to Shinya who politely take it.

 

“ It’s almost ready.” Feeling a bit upset remembering that this is the last day he will be in the same roof with Kaoru. “ If you can excuse me, I’m going back to pack my thing.” Shinya was trying to find an excuse to go back his room before his sadness was too obvious.

 

“ Need my help?” Kaoru offered.

 

“ Ne… It Okays.” Shinya politely rejected. “ See you tomorrow morning then, good night Kaoru.”

 

“ Night Shin-chan.”

 

Kaoru sighed and look at the direction of his own bedroom. Now feeling regret to have annoyed Toshiya just now or he can now hug his precious darling and fall asleep with his warm body. But why Totchi so afraid of cockroaches and why there always one that will appear almost every month? Kaoru was pissed off suddenly. If I didn’t show it to Toshiya at this close distance but he look so cute when he see the cockroach. I just love that reaction. (Pervert!)

 

Kaoru lie down and soon fall asleep knowing chance of Toshiya asking him back tonight was none since Toshiya was so angry at him just now. “ Mmm I’m sorry Totchi.” He grumbled.

 

Back inside the room Toshiya was tossing around could not get to sleep, he is not used to no one sleeping beside him now. It had been two hours since he chase Kaoru out of the room and he hope Kaoru will secretly crawl back by now. He must be sleeping death now! Toshiya could not stand it anymore. Didn’t even take a blanket with you, I don’t care if you going to get a fever the next day. Grumbling, Toshiya pull out a blanket from the cabinet wanted to take it out for his lover.

 

Toshiya hold back his movement the minute he opens his door. He heard something talking in the living room. Kaoru was not asleep yet? But he soon doubts it as the voice though speaking very soft but Toshiya recognizes it does not belong to Kaoru.

 

Shinya?

 

Shinya was sitting next to the sleeping Kaoru staring at the man. “ How long have it been since I see your sleeping face?” A smile appears on Shinya face as he remembering though it had been about seventeen years ago but the expression on Kaoru face was still looking the same like when he was young, when the time they used to take nap together.

 

“ I’ll always wake up before you because I like to watch your sleeping face.” Shinya touches Kaoru face lightly. “ You’re just like a innocent kid when you sleep, you know Kao.”

 

Kao? Toshiya remain silent. This is the first time he heard Shinya calling Kaoru like this.

 

“ Why didn’t you realized… for so long… my feeling for you…” Shinya voice starts shaking.

 

I love you more than anything Kaoru.

 

Tears drop down Shinya cheek as he blinks his eyes. “ How I wish tomorrow never come. How I wish time will stop now because it only you and me now, without anyone.” Shinya finally break down. “ Kaoru I don’t want to leave you but tomorrow I had to leave for your good… I really want to stay here… forever… if I can.”

 

Shinya froze at the next moment and so do Toshiya.

 

“ Kaoru…” Shinya whispered out the man name as Kaoru was staring at him with shocking expression.

 

“ Shinya what are you saying?” Kaoru seated up.

 

Shinya could not stop his tears from dropping. The man he loves was sitting right in front of him seeing him crying and asking him for an answer. He did not ever want Kaoru to know about it but what have he done now. He just want to have a good look at the man he love, he just want to tell him his feeling when he was asleep since he could not do it when Kaoru was awake.

 

“ I love you Kaoru since long ago.”

 

Toshiya froze. He’s telling Kaoru now…

 

“ Shinya what are you saying?”

 

Shinya held back his sob. “ I love you just like you love Toshiya.” He said staring sincerely at Kaoru. “ But you never realized even till now.”

 

Even if I’m going to lose you for good, I’m going to tell you my feeling now since...

 

Nothing going to hold back Shinya now since he had already loses his calmness. Throwing back whatever that had been holding his back in the passed, he decide to tell Kaoru.

 

Kaoru was stun. Never did he expect to hear this from Shinya whom he always treated him like a brother. He never realized how much he had hurt the younger man in the pass for telling him so many things about Toshiya. His mind was in chaos for a moment then he finally comes up with something. “ Sorry Shinya but I can’t return your love and you know why.” Kaoru apologize sincerely. “ I only love Toshiya.” He knows he is cruel to say this in front of Shinya but this is the best way to reject the young man.

 

Shinya broke into laughter.

 

“ Shinya are you alright…”

 

“ I should have known the result. No! I have already guessed the result.” Shinya was trying so hard to hold back his tears and his by now broken heart. “ What have I done now…? Hahaha … Hahaha…”

 

Kaoru help Shinya up getting worried for him. “ I’m sorry.”

 

Out of the sudden Shinya fall toward Kaoru pressing the elder man down. “ WHY CAN’T YOU LOVE ME?” Shinya yelled frantically and force himself onto Kaoru kissing the elder man.

 

Kaoru was trying to lose grip from Shinya and in the other hand he was worried that Toshiya might be alarm by Shinya yelling, he does not want to have another problem arise before he settle Shinya’s. Moreover what will Toshiya think if he sees us like this? Finally Kaoru manage to push Shinya away cursing where the strength of the man came from. “ Shinya clam down!” He stares at Shinya.

 

Tears falls onto his hand that was holding the blanket that he is going to give his lover. Toshiya dropped the blanket.

 

“ Toshiya.” Kaoru get panic seeing his lover was now crying. How long have he been here? He stands up and hurried to Toshiya leaving an upset Shinya sitting on the floor.

 

Why am I crying? I’m just too upset to see Shinya kissing you even it was force by him…

 

Seeing Toshiya tear had finally calm Shinya down. Toshiya…

 

I was sad… for Shinya. I can feel the love he had for Kaoru…

 

“ Toshiya listen to me.” Kaoru was panicking trying to explain whatever he could to his lover.

 

I’m sorry Toshiya. What have I done now? Shinya covered his face feeling regret again.

 

Shinya if it wasn’t me you might have been with Kaoru now… sorry, I should be the one saying this.

 

“ Totchi say something to me.”

 

Toshiya finally look at his lover. “ Do you love me Kaoru?”

 

Kaoru was feeling terribly startle by the question from his lover. He had expect Toshiya to cry and yell at him for an explanation but Toshiya was acting too calm. “ Of course I love you Totchi.” He answered apprehensively.

 

Toshiya smiled at him and went into the room without saying another word.

 

Kaoru could not find another word too and just stare at his lover back until the door close.

 

Shinya remain unmoved.

 

 

 

 

 

Part Three~

 

Early in the morning the next day, Shinya moved out of Kaoru apartment. He could not forgive himself for stirring up Kaoru relationship but he did not apologize though. Kaoru was still sitting at the sofa when he left but he did not say a thing to Shinya. Of course he won’t Shinya because Kaoru have hate you now after what you have done. Shinya feel his heartbreak thinking that the man he loves hated him.

 

Kaoru rub his temple staring at the door wondering when Toshiya would come out. He must have hurt him badly this time, from the reaction Toshiya have gave him yesterday. Even if Toshiya knows it was Shinya who had force the kiss on him but it will still hurt Toshiya because he was someone who can get jealous easily. Remembering of the ‘childhood memories’ incident, Kaoru felt his head hurt again, he had lots of explanation to do now.      

 

The door finally opens and Toshiya walks out firstly to meet Kaoru glance. “ Good morning KaoKao.” He smiled.

 

Kaoru nearly slip from the sofa. “ Morning.”  He managed to answer in between.

 

“ What do you like for breakfast?” Toshiya happily wears the apron on him. “ How about eggs and sausage?” He did not wait for his lover answer and was preparing the ingredient.

 

Kaoru follows him to the kitchen, panic overcome him. What is Toshiya thinking now was the thing bothering Kaoru now. He hope Toshiya would beat him up or scold him and cry in front of him, telling Kaoru how upset he was but all this never happen as expected. Have he hurt his lover really that bad this time?

 

“ Kaoru?” Toshiya yell at his lover twice finally got a respond from the man. “ What are you thinking?”

 

“ Come with me, we need a talk.” Kaoru pull the younger man with him into the living room. “ Sit down Totchi.”

 

Toshiya follow as ask. “ What the matter?”

 

“ Aren’t you going to said anything about Shinya?”

 

Toshiya smile faded. He stares at his lover for a while and went forward hugging Kaoru surprising the man. “ KaoKao, I’m really upset yesterday but it only because I’m jealous of Shinya kissing you.”

 

“ I didn’t expect it Totchi.”

 

“ I know I’ve see it.” Toshiya giggled. “ I would have thumped you up if you return his kiss.”

 

Silly Kaoru, so you are just worried about this.

 

“ I’m sorry to upset you Totchi.”

 

“ Umm pay me back then.”

 

“ What?”

 

“ You know you’ve left me alone the whole night huh.”

 

Kaoru laughed. “ Naughty but still I love you.”

 

I love you too Kaoru and I were really happy that you’ve proved you really love me.

 

 

 

    

Shinya was dazing on his sofa wondering how thing are going between Kaoru and Toshiya. He did not contact them since he left yesterday, hoping that thing will go on fine for the lover or he would really be bad about it. Also expecting that yesterday would be the last time he would be seeing Kaoru guessing Kaoru would never want to see him again and the same would goes to Toshiya.

 

“ Does that mean that I’ve lost two friend at the same time.” He muttered to himself. “ This is what you deserve for telling out your feeling baka Shinya!”

 

His mobile starts ringing. Shinya gaze on the screen display with Toshiya name blinking on it, hesitate for a while, Shinya press on the answer button. “ Hello.” He says awkwardly.

 

“ Shinya…” Toshiya starts speaking.

 

That weekend Kaoru and Toshiya visited Shinya new home together taking it as housewarming. Shinya apologize to them and hope that everything will return to normal. Since that day Shinya finally realized the important friendship of Kaoru and Toshiya and he vow never to lose it again.

 

Finally, I can put down my love for you Kaoru.

 

“ …Because there’s no place for me in your heart.”

 

“ Huh, what are you saying?” Toshiya asked innocently upon hearing Shinya muttering something.

 

“ Hmm nothing.” Shinya smile gently to Toshiya and they take out the food to the dinner table where Kaoru was waiting. 

 

At least we can remain what we are now…

 

    

 

Die throws the cigarette head onto the floor and wanted to take another cigarette only to find that he have finish the whole packet, frustrated he crush the package throwing it to the floor. Staring up to the apartment where Shinya was living now waiting for Kaoru and Toshiya to leave the place. He had been trailing Kaoru and Toshiya in order to find where Shinya was living now as it was obvious that Shinya does not want Die to look up for him.

 

Another hour passed when Die finally sees two people walking down the apartment and left. He straightens his clothes and went upstairs to Shinya home. He pressed the bell and hears the voice of the man he loves immediately.

 

“ Who is it?” Shinya asked opening the door thinking that it may be Kaoru and Toshiya, maybe they have left something back but only to meet with the pair of eyes of the man who he used to see everyday month ago. “ Die… how did you know I …”

 

Die force his way into Shinya home. “ I’ve been following them.”

 

“ Why are you doing this?”

 

“ Why? You asking me why?” Die laugh. “ Sometime I really find you cruel Shinya. You can just kick me out of your view and forget me totally but I’m not the same as you, you should know how much I love you, don’t you expect me to put down everything just because you wanted me to huh?”

 

“ Die I really very sorry about it.”

 

Die forced himself onto Shinya without warning. “ Sorry? Cut the crap.” He starts forcing kisses onto Shinya ignoring the man protest. “ You are mine!”

 

Shinya pushed the man away but was soon grab by him again. Yelling was no used now, he know Die too well nothing going to stop him if he wanted to do it. Still Shinya try to struggler but in vain, finally given up as tears flow down his chin. “ Kaoru…” He mutters the name.

 

Die stopped when he heard Kaoru name.

 

Why Shinya? Why are you still yelling at his name at this moment…

 

Shinya opens his eyes when he notice Die had stopped his action, to his surprise he saw tear on the man eye. “ Why Shinya?” Die asked. “ Do you really love Kaoru that much even if he only love Toshiya?”

 

“ Yes.” Shinya answered without hesitation.

 

Die was heartbroken. His heart was pounding wildly as he stands up and dash out of the house leaving an exhausted Shinya lying motionlessly on the floor looking at Die vanishing back.

 

Sorry Die.

 

Shinya covered his face crying, this time for Die because he knows he had hurt the man deeply.         

 

  

 

Kaoru stopped his car under their apartment carpark letting his lover get down. He had just received a call from his colleague asking him back to the office for certain emergency matter. Toshiya pouted as he gets down the car. He had expected to spend the rest of the night together with Kaoru after they came back from Shinya place since it is weekend.

 

Toshiya bend down and look at Kaoru. “ Be careful Kao.” He places a kiss on his lover chin.

 

Kaoru return his kiss.  He drove off soon after he sees Toshiya reaches their apartment.

 

Toshiya throw his bag onto the sofa as he get into the house while switching on the light. He gave a deep sigh and went straight into the bedroom, taking out his bathrobe and went to take a shower. It was about twenty minutes when Toshiya came out of the bathroom and as soon as he is out, he heard the doorbell.

 

“ Is Kaoru back?” Toshiya happily went to get the door but then he remember that it shouldn’t be his Koi because he have the apartment key, curious to know who is here at this time.

 

Toshiya peek through the hole and sees that it was Die. He opens the door without hesitation. “ What’s bring you here.” Toshiya asked with a smile.

 

“ Is Kaoru in?”

 

Toshiya feels himself getting nervous suddenly. Die was staring coldly at him waiting for an answer. “ Is he?” He asked again.

 

“ …No… nope he’s not.”

 

Die wanted to leave when he know that Kaoru was not in and anyway he does not feels like talking to anyone now. All of a sudden Die stopped looking back at Toshiya who was about to close the door. Die stopped the door from closing with his hand surprising Toshiya. “ Yes Die? Is there anything else you want to say?”

 

Die stare at the man in front of him wearing just a bathrobe. He did not realized how beautiful this man was until now and most of all this man belongs to Kaoru. Hatred rise inside Die and he force his way into the apartment causing Toshiya to fall onto the floor and he slam the door close.

 

“ What are you doing?” Toshiya heart was beating wildly now feeling frighten of Die.

 

“ If you want to blame, blame Kaoru.” Die exclaimed and force himself onto Toshiya.

 

Toshiya tries to get away with all the strength he have, kicking and yelling for Die to stop but fail. He never get so frighten in his life not until now that he believe Die had completely lose his mind. “ Stop…” He protests weakly as tears stream down his face. “ Kaoru help me… Kaoru.”

 

Die stopped his action when he hears Toshiya, anger rise in him and he slaps Toshiya across the face. “ Shut up you bitch.” Die was totally insane now, he had remember earlier on when Shinya also shouting for Kaoru. Why! What so great about Kaoru? Why the two of you yelling only for him! Die strip open the bathrobe on Toshiya, staring at the man naked body and starts attacking Toshiya body vigorously.

 

Kaoru…

 

Kaoru…

 

Toshiya body was trembling badly as Die force opens his legs and thrust into Toshiya without warning. The pain had causes Toshiya to cries out, digging his nail onto Die body as Die thrust faster and faster. Blood slowly drips down from Toshiya opening and Die was still thrust harshly, venting his anger at the poor man who was now lying motionlessly below him, waiting for the nightmare to end.

 

Yes… it was just a nightmare…

 

Die finally ends his action.

 

Kaoru where are you? Why didn’t you wake me up from my nightmare?

 

Die moved away from Toshiya, putting on his clothes.

 

Kaoru where are you…

 

Toshiya was lying lifelessly on the floor where his tears had dries up long ago. Die looks at Toshiya after straightening his clothes and soon he starts feeling regret as his sense slowly return. What have I done? Die heart starts to pump faster and faster looking at Toshiya. “ Toshiya…” Die squat down trying to help the man up, at least he mind told him to do so. Whatever, Die knows the matter was not going to end simply with just apologizing this time.

 

Kaoru gonna killed me…

 

As soon as Die touches Toshiya trying to help the man up, his hand was shake away and was greet with a glare from Toshiya who body starts to tremble badly. Toshiya swiftly move as far away as he could from Die and tries to sit up properly gradually with the help of the sofa next to him. “ Go away…” His voice was shaking.

 

“ Toshiya I …” Die stops not knowing what to say this time.

 

“ GO AWAY!” Toshiya starts yelling frantically as he grab his bathrobe that was on the floor covering up his naked body. “ GET AWAY…” His voice breaks down again and tears starts streaming down his face. Go away… Kaoru why are you Kaoru? I’m scared…

 

This is the first time Die have ever felt so regret of what he have done. “ I’m really sorry…” Die dash out of the door after leaving down the words.

 

Toshiya falls onto the floor as soon as Die had left, feeling the pain on his body starts to get worse, his view starts to get blur and he was still sobbing badly, feeling scared and cold. The pain was killing him.

 

“ Kaoru.”

 

 

                     

Kaoru was waiting for the lift whereas he did not expect to be knock by someone that had dash out of the lift as soon as the door opens, both man falls onto the floor. Kaoru curse. “ Ouch.” He stares at the man and was surprise to see that the other man was actually Die.

 

Die in the other hand was shock when he sees Kaoru. He stand up as fast as he could and run away ignoring Kaoru calling. His guilt increased even more when he sees his best friend knowing that he was faceless to face Kaoru now after what he had done to Toshiya. God please punish me for what I have done.

 

Kaoru was staring at his friend disappearing back wondering what is going on.

 

Kaoru slowly walks to his apartment when he came out of the lift still thinking about the incident earlier on when he sees the door of his apartment was not close. “ I didn’t know Toshiya was so careless.” He said to himself as he starts thinking how he is going to ‘tick off’ his lover for his carelessness. Mmm how about making him to wash my back. Kaoru laugh as he think of that as he pushes open the door.

 

“ Totchi I’m back…” Kaoru smile faded as soon as he sees his lover.

 

      

 Shinya answered his mobile after it rings a few time seeing Die name on the display screen. Die was breathing unevenly at the other side of the phone. “ Shinya I really love… but this time I really do something very wrong… Sorry Shinya, I’m really sorry…” Die paused.

 

“ What are you saying Die?” He senses something awful had happened.

 

“ I’m really sorry please tell them… I love you Shinya.” Die hanged up.

 

Them? Shinya was still holding onto his mobile. He starts putting up his guessing and stops. Kaoru? Shinya felt his heart had stop at the moment thinking that had Die do something to Kaoru.

 

 

 

Kaoru was trying in vain to get near his lover, as Toshiya will start crying and screaming the moment Kaoru tries to get near him. He had seated opposite Toshiya for an hour now waiting for his lover to calm down. Seeing the situation of his lover, Kaoru had guessed what had happened and who is the culprit. He hit his fist onto the wall as he think of Die.

 

The doorbell rings suddenly, seeing it had somehow alarm Toshiya, Kaoru who had tried to ignore it at first quickly went to get it. He sees a worry Shinya who was still trying to catch his breath standing in front of the door.

 

“ Please go home now Shinya.” Kaoru simply said and close the door.

 

Shinya stand there for a moment and walks away. Knowing that he was right about something had happen to the lover properly was Toshiya in this case and he believe that it will be better to leave the matter to Kaoru as long as Shinya know they are ‘fine’.

 

Another hour had passed before Toshiya had finally tired out and falls asleep. Kaoru gently carries his lover into their room and lays the man tenderly on the bed. He stays awake at Toshiya side the whole night afraid that Toshiya might wakes up and need him.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Kaoru heart was aching and also in fiery for Toshiya. If he had see Die now Kaoru might kill the man immediately without any hesitation because Die had hurt Toshiya, the man that was more important than anything to Kaoru. Now Kaoru knows that he must stay strong not only for himself and also for Toshiya because his lover needs him now. He would have more thing to overcome when the next day arrival.

 

What Kaoru was more afraid of now was the incident might haunt Toshiya for a long time or even forever. Toshiya was not a strong person whether it inside or outside of him, which Kaoru knows it well.     

 

That night was the longest night Kaoru had ever have.

 

 

Morning light shine into the bedroom, the man sleeping on the bed stir his body a little rubbing his eyes as he slowly opens it. The other man was sitting on the chair had fallen asleep. The sunlight was hurting Toshiya eyes and he tries to get up from the bed to draw down the curtain whereas he felt his body aching. Toshiya falls back onto the bed as his memory slowly flow back causing his already aching body to starts quivering, Toshiya crouch his body hugging his long leg feeling terrify of the surrounding abruptly.

 

Kaoru was awake by sobbing sound. He immediately seeks for his lover the moment he opens his eyes. “ Totchi…” He moved nearer to the man sitting on the bed who was sobbing badly with his head resting on the knee.

 

Toshiya develop into anxiety the moment Kaoru hand touches him. “ GO AWAY!” He exclaimed and tries to run away but ended up falling onto the floor from the bed. Still he was staring terrifying at Kaoru.

 

Toshiya reaction was breaking Kaoru heart but still he tries to help Toshiya up afraid that his lover might hurt himself from the fall. He tries moving nearer to Toshiya who was still sitting on the floor glaring at him, Toshiya attempt to get away but this time Kaoru grab him.

 

“ NO… Let me GO… Ah…ah… let me…” Toshiya was yelling frenetically struggling to get himself free.

 

Kaoru strengthen his grip pulling the man into his embrace. “ Shh… it me Totchi, I’m Kaoru. Everything going to be alright now, I’m here.” Kaoru was reward with hitting and biting from his lover.

 

“ Let me … me go…” Tears were streaming down Toshiya face as he fails to free himself.

            

 After a few attempt, Kaoru had finally clamed Toshiya down. He held his lover tightly afraid that once he let go Toshiya may lose control again. “ Kao… Kaoru… Kaoru…” The more Toshiya was muttering his name, the more Kaoru had felt his pain ascend. “ I’m here… here Totchi.” He comfort Toshiya.

 

 

Toshiya condition was not getting any improvement. Sometime he will recognize Kaoru but often he will get frighten of anyone who tries to get near him and starts crying, and it was worse especially during the moment he just woke up. Kaoru had almost tired out taking care of Toshiya but was fortunate to have Shinya who get to know about the incident a few day after to help him up looking after Toshiya when Kaoru need to go for work. 

 

Shinya close the door quietly as he came out of the bedroom after he had made sure that Toshiya was asleep. He seat down on the sofa resting and staring at the empty screen of the television while his mind was wondering where Die had gone. It had been two weeks since the incident happened and also Die going missing. He was worried about Die wondering where the man had gone ‘hiding’.

 

Just don’t do anything-foolish Die.

 

Shinya was alert by the sound of opening door, knowing that Kaoru is back. Since the incident, Kaoru mood was spiteful and Shinya was really afraid what if Kaoru gets to see Die, terrify that Die might be killed and this belief might really happen.

 

“ You’re back.”

 

“ How’s Toshiya?” Kaoru asked not bothering to answer Shinya first.

 

“ Still the same…”

     

 

Toshiya had really refused to meet anyone at this instant though two months had already passed. Providentially his condition is getting better or at least he had recognized his lover and Shinya allowing them to get near him.

 

“ Toshiya what are you doing?” Shinya asked as he enters the kitchen looking at Toshiya who seem to be busy cooking something. Toshiya turn around and smile to his friend.

 

“ I’m cooking dinner.”

 

Shinya was glad that Toshiya was ‘recovering’ gradually from his nightmare. Now he starts behaving as he used to be only that he still did not want to get out of the apartment to see anyone.

 

Toshiya finally hears what he had been waiting for and lighten up. “ Shin-chan could you?” He passes Shinya the spoon asking the man to stir the soup that he was cooking as he dash out of the kitchen.

 

“ I’m back.”

 

“ Kaoru!” Toshiya happily throw himself onto his lover. “ Welcome back.” Toshiya give a quick kiss on Kaoru lips.

 

Today was another happy day for Kaoru to see his lover returning to the time before, the time when Kaoru will always be greet by a smiling face the moment he came back from work. His tiredness will always vanish automatically after a long day of work when he returns home knowing that Toshiya will be waiting for him. Kaoru would never want to let the day where there is no Toshiya waiting cheerfully for him to return again.

 

 

 

Kaoru walk Shinya down the apartment after the three men had their dinner together offering to sent the man back but Shinya reject him understand that Kaoru will not set his mind down if Toshiya was going to be alone at home. Therefore Kaoru get the man a cab and see that Shinya was safely heading home.

 

“ Good night Kaoru.” Shinya wave before the cab drove off.

 

Kaoru slowly return to his apartment breathing the scent of the night-air feeling a little relax. How long have it been? The incident seem to have happened aged ago, the day when Toshiya had totally rejected him was like living hell to Kaoru. He is hurt to see his lover like that whereby he can’t help at all, Kaoru felt really worthless at that time wishing that he was the one who is suffering.

 

“ Kaoru… what take you so long?” Kaoru heard his lover the moment he opens the door, Toshiya was looking upset or more likely seem scare.

 

Totchi… Kaoru felt needle pinning his heart but he manages to force a smile out of him. “ Have to wait for the cab Totchi, I can’t possibly let Shinya wait for the cab alone.” Kaoru sits down beside his lover putting one arm around Toshiya.

 

Toshiya rested on Kaoru shoulder.

 

“ Totchi.”

 

“ Huh?” Toshiya slowly close his eyes.

 

“ Tomorrow’s weekend, what about a date?” Kaoru purpose was to lead Toshiya into seeing the outside world again since the incident happen. “ Let’s catch a movie, it been a long time since we watch one together ne.”

 

Kaoru attempt failed.

 

The first time…

 

Second time.

 

Third time.

 

… And on…

 

 

 

Shinya slowly climb up an almost wrecked stairs, looking around the place once he gets to the top level. He focuses on a man sitting near the window, frowning as he approach the man. “ How long do you intend to stay here?” He asked angrily.

 

SHINYA! The man looks at Shinya in surprised.

 

“ Do you know how long I have been searching for you?” Shinya pulled the man up yelling angrily. “ I don’t even understand why am I doing this.” His anger soon turns into upset as tears formed around his eyes, he buried himself onto Die sobbing. “ Idiot…”

 

Have been looking for you, I’m so worried for you, afraid that I’m not be able to see you again… Die tells me why am I missing you so much? It shouldn’t be isn’t it?

 

Die held tightly onto the man he loves.

 

 

 

 

 

Part Four (last)

 

How long do you intend to stay at home Toshiya?

 

Toshiya was reading his novel waiting for Kaoru to finish his shower. The water sound stops and Toshiya kept his book away preparing a space on the bed for his lover. Kaoru came out of the bathroom wearing only a bathrobe smiling at his lover as he seat on the corner of their bed.

 

“ Totchi tomorrow weekend…” He stops as he feels arm wrapping around him.

 

“ We catch a movie together Kao.” Toshiya starts drying his lover hair gently.

 

Kaoru was overjoyed the moment he heard what Toshiya had told him. Finally Toshiya decide to ‘get out’ of their apartment. Kaoru manage to grab his lover working hand, stopping Toshiya from drying his hair and pull Toshiya gently in front into his arm. “ Kaoru.” Toshiya protest.

 

“ I’m really happy ne Totchi.” He places a kiss on Toshiya.

 

Toshiya hold Kaoru down when the elder man broke their kisses, asking for more with his action. Gently Kaoru unbutton his lover shirt as he taste Toshiya soft neck leaving a love mark on the skin. Toshiya giggle in between from the itchiness Kaoru was given him. Kaoru frown but continue with his action.

 

“ Kao, I don’t want it today ne.” Toshiya muttered between stopping his lover.

 

“ Totchi…” Kaoru wasn’t going to force his lover but his body would not cooperate with him. Struggling between his lust and sense, Kaoru finally give up and move away from Toshiya. “ Then why did you pull me for a deeper kiss earlier…” Kaoru starts grumbling.

 

Toshiya giggled.

 

“ Totchi!” Kaoru was trying to cool his body down but seem it did not work.

 

Getting on top of Kaoru, Toshiya unzip his lover pant surprising Kaoru and bended down putting Kaoru erected into his mouth. He teases Kaoru manhood slowly ignoring his lover protested until he was satisfied that he have annoy Kaoru enough and he start his ‘mouth’ job to help his lover release. 

 

The lover gets back to their normal sleeping position after the job was done. Kaoru was still frowning over the earlier incident while the younger man was still laughing over it. “ Ne KaoKao…  what movie we’re going to watch tomorrow huh?” Toshiya move nearer to Kaoru poking his lover chest.

 

“ Humph.” Kaoru behave like a stubborn kid.

 

“ KaoKao.” Toshiya grin and slowly lower his hand down his lover body, with this action Kaoru who was trying to ‘ignore’ Toshiya quickly catch hold of his lover hand.

 

“ Totchi!” Kaoru pretend to look extremely displease. “ You’re going to pay for it the next time.

 

Both men broke into laughter.

 

 

 How long have it been since we use to joke like that.

 

Kaoru was content now.

 

As long as Toshiya was happy, I am.

 

He embraces the already sleeping Toshiya and fall asleep with the man he loves in his arm. Smile on his face.

 

 

 

Kaoru finally squeeze out of the queue having two tickets in his hand, he starts to find Toshiya whom suppose to be standing near the entrance waiting for him but was now gone. Within second he felt worried filling him until he saw Toshiya standing near the toilet where less people were around.

 

Kaoru had notice Toshiya looking nervous, which happen the moment they step out of the lift from their apartment where Toshiya get to see people staring at him after such long time. If it weren’t for Toshiya good, Kaoru would have brought the man home when he sees Toshiya being tense.

 

Toshiya you must be strong to overcome your fear.

 

“ Toshiya.” Kaoru called and see the nervous look on his lover faded as he saw Kaoru. “ Let’s get in.”

 

Toshiya nodded and follow closely behind Kaoru.

 

During the show, Toshiya was clutching tightly onto Kaoru arm, feeling that his lover was beside him had make him feel safe. Slowly he let go when the show get more interesting and soon he broke into laughter like everyone else inside the cinema except for Kaoru who was watching closely at his lover relaxing and felt glad about it.

 

The date was a successful one where Kaoru had sense the fear and tighten mind of Toshiya start getting relax slowly allow Toshiya to forget about his nightmare. Maybe a few more trips will have more help, Kaoru smile as he think of it knowing that Toshiya will soon recover as what he used to be in the passed.

 

“ Kaoru what are you smiling at?” Toshiya asked innocently as they walk down the street seeing his lover smiling suddenly.

 

Kaoru stops walking and glance at his lover. “ Because I love you.”

 

Toshiya face reddens. 

 

 

 

Sunday morning. Kaoru woken up by the light shining into the room, he looks at the clock seeing that it was eight. He gets up from the bed gently not wanting to wake Toshiya and draw the curtain down. The room was still fills with musky smell from their love making last night. Kaoru smile as he see Toshiya sleeping so sweetly knowing that his lover must have tired out by last night ‘war’ of love.

 

Kaoru had just step out of the bedroom where the doorbell ring suddenly. Quickly, Kaoru went to get the door afraid that it will disturb Toshiya’s sleep.

 

“ Good morning Kaoru.” Shinya greet politely.

 

“ Shinya? What bring you here early in the morning?”

 

Shinya hesitate for a while. “ Kaoru will you come out for a minute?” He finally asked.

 

Kaoru went into the room to get a jacket and quietly he follows Shinya out and they come to the empty space beside the lift and there was another man standing there waiting for them.

 

Kaoru good mood changes into anger the moment he see the man. “ DIE.” Kaoru clench his fist.

 

Die turns around and glance at his once childhood best friend. “ Kaoru.”

 

Shinya froze immediately regretting his promise to Die for asking Kaoru out.

 

“ Kaoru I’m…” Die had just starts his words where an angry Kaoru had charge toward him landing a fist on the man face causing Die to fall onto the ground.

 

Shinya was covering his mouth staring at the two men in horror.

 

Kaoru grab Die by the collar and pull the man on his feet, glaring angrily at him. “ You still dare to appear in front of me!” He exclaimed and another fist land on Die.

 

Tears formed in Shinya eyes as Kaoru continually punching Die who did not resist at all allowing Kaoru and release his anger. “ … Please stop… Kaoru…” Shinya beg weakly, ignored by Kaoru.

 

It was my entire fault! It was mine… Tears stream down Shinya face. If it were not because of me, Die would not have rape Toshiya. If I can realize my true feeling toward Die earlier, all this would never happen… it was my fault. I should be the one to suffer Kaoru fist.

 

Shinya runs forward covering Die where Kaoru fist land on his face directly making Shinya to falls on the floor. Kaoru stopped. Die look in horror and Shinya sits on the floor stun. “ Shinya!” Die yelled and run to the man.

 

“ Please Kaoru… it was all because of me… if you can’t forgive Die then hit me instead…” Shinya start to cry again.

 

Kaoru glare at Die furiously but had stops his thumping toward the man. “ How could I forgive this man?” Kaoru speaks after a while looking at Shinya.

 

Die buried his face with his hands. “ I’ really sorry Kaoru… really sorry for what I have done to you and… Toshiya.” He apologized.

 

Kaoru fury raise up the moment Toshiya name was being mention. He grabs Die and gives him another punch on the stomach this time making Die went crouching on the floor. Shinya seeing this swiftly move to Die trying to cover up the injure man with his own body, looking at Kaoru with pleading eyes.

 

“ Shinya move away.” Die managed to speak out. “ Let Kaoru do whatever he want.”

 

Shinya shakes his head vigorously.

 

Let me do whatever I want? Kaoru push Shinya away and grab Die up again, continuing his bashing toward the man. Shinya beg worthlessness to stop Kaoru until his blur sight due to crying focus on another man standing on the other side looking at the three men. Shinya heart nearly stop at the moment follow by it starts beating wildly. “ Toshiya…”

 

Toshiya stared coldly at Shinya when he notices Shinya’s glance. The stare given by Toshiya was making Shinya nervous, as he had never see Toshiya with this expression before. It was a frightening expression given by Toshiya. Shinya somehow begin to get worry understand that Toshiya had just being slightly better from his condition and now with Die around? Shinya thought stops as he see Die was bleeding and the only thing in his mind now was to run over to Toshiya for help knowing that he is the only man who can stop Kaoru.

 

“ Toshiya please stop Kaoru…” Shinya beg running toward the man.

 

Toshiya remain unmoved still staring coldly at Shinya.

 

“ Toshiya please!”

 

Stop, please stop it Die…

 

“ Toshiya…” Shinya beg.

 

Don’t Die… let go of me… please…

 

Shinya was shaking Toshiya hand but the man seems to be thinking of something. “ TOSHIYA…”

 

It wasn’t a nightmare … it was real… “ I was so scare… I ask him to stop but he didn’t Shinya.” Shinya let go of his hand when he heard Toshiya, guilty for being the main cause of the incident.

 

Kaoru stops when he hears Shinya yelling at Toshiya name. Die looked around and meet up with Toshiya staring at him, Die guilt ascends, kneeing onto the ground. Kaoru was panic seeing a motionless Toshiya, worried for his lover condition. “ Totchi…”

 

“ Why…” The word came out from Toshiya.

 

Stillness hovers suddenly for the three men all glancing at Toshiya.

 

Kaoru worried.

 

Die guilty.

 

Shinya crying.

 

“ Why?” Toshiya asked again but the other did not understand what Toshiya was trying to ask.

 

Die was the first one to break the silent. “ Toshiya… I’m really sorry for…”

 

Tears stream down Toshiya face as soon as he heard Die voice. “ Shut up!” He exclaimed covering his face. “ I hated you Die! I HATE you and I never going to forgive you for what you have done!” Toshiya runs back to the apartment leaving a worry Kaoru and Shinya behind.

 

Kaoru grab Die collar and stare harshly at the man. “ Listen Die!” The glare from Kaoru was a killer glare. “ Never appear in front of us again. NEVER!” He emphasized the last word and drop Die collar.

 

“ Kaoru…” Shinya called as Kaoru hurries back to his apartment, he stops and looked back but not at Shinya but Die.

 

“ I wish I could killed you…” The harsh look on Kaoru was serious giving Shinya and Die a cold spine.

 

 

       

The apartment door was not closed. Kaoru push it slightly wider and enter, closing the door behind him softly heading straight to their bedroom. There, Kaoru see Toshiya sitting on the floor sobbing badly. He approaches his lover somehow Kaoru was afraid that Toshiya would starts screaming like the time when he had refused anyone.

 

“ Toshiya.” Kaoru call softly, while reaching his hand to the man.

 

“ Go away.” Toshiya shakes Kaoru hand away immediately.

 

Kaoru felt himself shaky. Has Toshiya condition return to the starts? Somehow it look different this time, at least Toshiya was not screaming at him to go away and body was not trembling like the time. “ Toshiya… I’m Kaoru.” Kaoru tries to emphasize.

 

Toshiya grab something that his hand had reach and throw it at Kaoru. “ Where were you then?” He exclaimed. “ You said you love me but you never there when I need you most…”

 

Kaoru heart was breaking while listening to his lover reproaching. You are right. I wasn’t there when you need me.

 

“ You say you love me but you wasn’t there… you don’t love me… you don’t…”

 

Kaoru covered his ear not wanting to hear Toshiya saying that he does not love the younger man. “ It wasn’t true… wasn’t true, I love you Totchi.”

 

Toshiya stops his accusing when he hears Kaoru voice breaking down, staring at Kaoru who was in tears now. “ I hate you Kaoru…” He dash toward his lover and hug the man tightly. “ I hate you…” Both man sobbing together. “ I hate… I love you Kaoru.” Toshiya finally said. “ I love you.”

 

Kaoru hug his lover back understanding that what Toshiya said just now does not really comes out from his heart, it was just words of anger. Toshiya was still the same because he was showing his real feeling to Kaoru.

 

“ I’m sorry Kao, I didn’t mean what I say. I’m just too frighten, too angry… sorry Kaoru.”

 

“ I know Totchi, believe me, I really love you.”

 

“ I love you too Kaoru.” Toshiya buried his face into his lover chest.

 

 

 

Shinya wipes his tears away and walk over to help Die up. Die lip and nose was covered with blood but his injury does not hurt him at all. What were hurting him were the last sentences both Kaoru and Toshiya left down before they walks away. I hate you Die. Toshiya cries were still echoing in Die ear. I wish I could kill you. Kaoru harsh words were the worse thing Die had heard.

 

“ Are you alright?” Shinya asked as he support Die with his body.

 

Die laughed suddenly.

 

“ Die?” Shinya was confused.

 

Die covered his face. His voice is shaky as he said that. “ One will never always be forgiven for the wrong deed he had done, this is the worse punishment Shinya you know.” Die was crying, in front of the man he loves.

 

“ Give them some time.” Shinya does not know what to say anymore, quietly the two men left Kaoru apartment.

 

Time, how long then, forever?

 

 

  

~~

 

Kaoru and Toshiya were lying on the bed chatting as usual before going to sleep. The younger man out of habit will always rest his head on his lover chest letting Kaoru to stroke his hair while they chat. How long have it been since the incident end, both of them have forget or might say they had choose to forget about it.

 

Life had return to normal for the lover, the only changes was Shinya no longer with them. The man had gone oversea giving up everything he have here including Kaoru, the man he once love so much but he did sent the lover postcard whenever he reach a new place informing them that he is safe.

 

“ Ne Kao where do you think Shinya is in now?”

 

Kaoru merely laugh. “ How would I know since you don’t even know?” Knowing nowadays his lover and Shinya had become buddies, better than he and Shinya used to be. Sometime it makes Kaoru jealous to think that he seems to lose his position as best friend in Shinya heart to his lover. “ You steal my Shin-chan away…” Kaoru pretend sobbing.

 

Toshiya pouted. “ Your Shin-chan huh.”

 

“ Why? Is my baby jealous?” Kaoru teased.

 

“ Your Shin-chan won’t care about you old man nowadays, he have lots of suitors going after him why should he think about you.”

 

Kaoru frown. “ What old man?”

 

Toshiya giggled. “ You… Hahaha…”

 

There is only a question in both men that they did not ask each other, keeping it to heart. Where is Die? Isn’t he and Shinya had been together again but Shinya was oversea alone… So?

 

“ Kaoru.” Toshiya circle his finger around his lover chest. “ Do you know I actually think that our relationship is lacking of something in the passed? I often felt unhappy about it, Mmm… have been bother by it for some time too.”

 

Kaoru gets panic. “ You’re not satisfied with me?”

 

“ Nope because I finally know why and what I think we have lack of.” Toshiya giggled. “ It just because I love you more than anything and was so afraid that you might leave me one day, maybe it’s just some kind of insecure that I was feeling.”

 

“ Oh god! Insecure?” Kaoru hold his lover hand staring sincerely at Toshiya. “ Do you feel happy now Totchi?”

 

“ Yes because I could feel your love now Kaoru.” Toshiya smiled. “ It’s stronger than anything.”

 

Oh Totchi I love you… and you must feel it because I have feel yours~

 

 

~Owari~

By Tsmr

[8/06/2003]

 

Author: Die’s the bad guy this time, abusing Shin-chan, raping Totchi, and betraying his best friend. Therefore the ending I decide to let you reader prefer whether Kaoru & Totchi going to forgive him.

Shinya wasn’t with him in the end? Hasn’t I wrote Shinya realize his feeling toward Die… he even beg for Die.

1] Die did follow Shinya around but Shinya did not let the lover know about it.

2] Shinya dump Die.

Choose your prefer too! XD