Reflection

This is my first attempt writing a fic please bear with it. ~ A Kaoru x Toshiya non-lemon ~

Toshiya stares at the door that had been shut violently since yesterday and no one had opened it up till now.

" Is this really the end ...Between us? You said you love me but ...why? " Toshiya had been thinking of this question throughout the whole night and finally falls asleep after crying for so long.

Days passed, but it seems so meaningless. Toshiya had not see him for almost a month since they quarrel, he misses him and also, Toshiya don't want to end their relationship like this. Not without a word. They had known each other for many years, from friend to lover and they promise to keep their relationship even when they were working adult or even older. But then why Toshiya thought, they said they will live together once they graduate from high school, they said they will be together forever... and you just left like this?

" Do you really mean what you said...........Touji?" Toshiya asked himself and tear drop from his eyes.

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" You mean he will be staying with me!! Why me? He can stay with Kaoru, Die or..." Kyo exclaimed but soon shut up when he notice all the threatening eyes starring at him.

" BECAUSE your apartment is the biggest among us!" Kaoru said while fixing his guitar.

" I know it will end up like this." Kyo muttered while packing up his belonging and left the room after Die.

Kyo did not stop muttering until the members of Dir en grey get to meet their new bassist for the first time. They had seen Toshiya's picture but could not believe how beautiful his real person is. Toshiya are shy at first when meeting the other members but soon get around well with them. The only member the new bassist was afraid of are Kaoru who seen to be scary.

" Our bishounen bassist is staying me. Hahaha. More chance to get around with him and maybe we can… ...hehehe" Kyo is thinking how lucky he was to have Toshiya staying with him and all sort of daydreaming when he felt a hit on his head.

" Ouch!! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

" Stop laughing alone there! You look like an idiot!" Kaoru stared at Kyo with an annoyed expression while ordering the other members to start the practice.

Toshiya slightly take a glance of Kaoru without anyone notice. Kaoru had resembled someone that Toshiya know, someone who broke his heart. For year, Toshiya had tried to forget this person but when he sees Kaoru, Toshiya's heart melts again. It was not that they look alike but somehow something in both of them is the same, but what? The bassist found it hard to figure out and this had been distracting his practice.

“.... Toshiya… Toshiya! You have the wrong key." Kaoru shouted, as Toshiya could not hear him at first.

" I'm sorry... I'm...." Toshiya finally regain his sense and found himself looking straight into Kaoru's eyes when he look up. Suddenly, tears filled Toshiya's eyes and he dash out of the room after another apologized.

All the other members stare at the door that is slam close by now and then look back at Kaoru. Silence hovered as they look at each other guessing what might be the cause of this incident and all the eyes stare back at Kaoru again when the conclusion came out.

" Am I too fierce? I'm just trying to correct him, that's all." Kaoru try to explain.

" But you look too fierce, Toshiya is new here and he did not know you’re big tempered when you get to music." Shinya said while Die and Kyo agreed with him.

" You should go and get Toshiya back before he jump off the building." Kyo said jokingly but was immediately hit by Shinya who was now standing beside the vocalist.

Toshiya's heart pounded heavily and he finally stop running. Wiping the tear from his eyes, he stood down on the floor. What am I doing? Crying because Kaoru shouted at me and runs out of the practice room like a child after being scold for not concentrating? Or why? Toshiya calm down and all this question hit across his head. He did not know why he run out for, he could just apologize and continue their practice. But somehow, he felt like his heart was being stab when he looks directly into Kaoru's eyes. 'Touji?” The image of his ex came into Toshiya mind. Just then, footstep was heard and Toshiya turn around.

" Kaoru!"

" I'm really sorry. I did not mean to shout at you."

" I'm sorry. I should have concentrate but..."

Toshiya was about to apologize again when he notice that Kaoru was laughing. This is the first time Toshiya had see Kaoru laughing. But what was so funny? The bassist was about to ask Kaoru when Kaoru's hand touch his face and was trying to wipe off something. It was then that Toshiya realize his light make-up must be in a mess by now.

"I don't want a panda in our group." Kaoru said jokingly and both of them laugh.

I should have figure out by now, how stupid I am. Touji will never joke with me like that; he was always so serious just like Kaoru. No wonder I found them similar. Toshiya had finally understood why Kaoru let him feel so miserable in the beginning. It was because Kaoru was just like Touji who is always so serious. But now, Toshiya have got the answer. Kaoru and Touji are actually two different kind of person, maybe we can became good friend, bandmate...

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Dir en grey had managed to get the famous X Japan leader Yoshiki as their producer for their new single. Shinya was properly crazy over this and was in happy mood since then. Kyo was as usual-- a freak, trying to get sleep as much as he can. Die was properly the only one who was feeling moody. Toshiya as usual will hand around Kaoru to discuss about their song but recently there've been a pair of eyes starring at their every move without their notice, a pair of 'jealousy' eyes.

The DEG members were practicing hard everyday in the studio. As usual, Kaoru will be the first one to reach the studio follow by the rest of them and Kyo who always the last one. Yoshiki will then come over once a while to review their progress.

The morning wind was freezing Toshiya who had arrival early this morning, he was waiting for someone who had the key to open the door but it had been half an hour and Toshiya was freezing cold by now. Toshiya shivered as he stood down, putting down his bass and put his hand into his pocket so that it will be warmer.

" Toshiya?"

" Kaoru!!" Toshiya exclaimed once he saw Kaoru and immediately stand up but his leg was almost freeze by now and he fall toward Kaoru.

" Are you alright?" Kaoru asked while catching hold of Toshiya in time.

" I think I'm too cold!!"

Kaoru held Toshiya into the studio and make him some hot drink. Toshiya playfully place his cold hand on Kaoru's neck and without any warning, Kaoru catch hold of Toshiya's hand and squeeze it hard that cause Toshiya to scream out. Suddenly the laughter in the room stop, everything went quite. Kaoru look straight into Toshiya's eyes while still holding on Toshiya's hand. Kaoru had this feeling long ago, when he first meet their bassist years ago and even more sure of his feeling when Toshiya cry in front of him the first time. He know he want to protect this beautiful creature right in front of him. Why he had wait until now, why hasn't he told Toshiya about his feeling long ago?

" Toshiya... I actually I’m... "

" Huh?" Toshiya was about to ask.

" Good Morning!!"

Kaoru had almost jumped up and killed anyone who steps into the room at that moment. Shinya and Die had just arrival together. Shinya as usual will happily greet everyone in the room and proceed to his drum set to clear any dust that can be seen. Toshiya had notice that Die was looking extremely in bad mood today.

" Die, are you alright? You're not looking good today."

" Give him a kiss and he will be happy!" Kyo who had just enter the room said but immediately notice two pairs of threatening eyes starring at him and he know that it would be better to shut up now before being trash by Die and Kaoru.

" Ohayo!" Toshiya said to Kyo ignoring his joke.

Die who had been there before Shinya had seen everything happened inside the studio. Die knows that Kaoru had feeling for Toshiya, he know Kaoru love Toshiya but he just can't let Kaoru to have Toshiya because he was also in love with Toshiya. Die did not know when this had happened but when he had noticed it, it was too late. Die had fallen in love with Toshiya same as Kaoru did. Die was feeling moody recently because he is jealous to see Toshiya sticking so close to Kaoru every time, everywhere and even on the stage. Die knows that he must acted fast, before Kaoru get Toshiya but he was also afraid of being rejected by Toshiya.

" Toshiya are you free tonight?" Die asked after the practice.

" Mmm, yes I think. What's the matter?" Toshiya asked without knowing that Kaoru was glancing at them

" I had something to tell you, something important and I hope that it just the two us."

" Well then. Hold on while I keep my thing and we had dinner together." Toshiya said while he finally notices that Kaoru was starring him, Toshiya remember the thing happened in the morning and blushed suddenly while thinking about it. Toshiya can guess slightly what Kaoru want to tell him.

Die and Toshiya left the studio together and went to a nearby restaurant to have their dinner. During their meal, Die wants to tell Toshiya his feeling but every time when he was about to say, his voice just wouldn't come out. Die being more and more frustrated began to drink more alcohol.

" Die, I thought you have something to tell me?" Toshiya ask while drinking another cup of alcohol.

" I ... actually I... Toshiya…"

" Huh?"

" ...Well, it's actually that I... I, I've forgotten already!" Die just could not speak out.

" Well Nevermind then, tell me when you've remember." Toshiya reply and continue eating.

Die just keeps on drinking. Why can't I say out? 'Toshiya, I love you!! I love you!!' These three words are so easy to say but why can't I say it out? By then, Die was already so mad with himself for being such a coward.

The cab stop, Toshiya get out and held Die who is now in drunken state out of the car. Die was much more heavy than Toshiya and had almost crush Toshiya to the floor a few time. Toshiya struggler hard and finally gets Die to his apartment.

The door finally swung open and the only light in the room are from the orange streetlights outside. Toshiya put Die onto the bed and stand up to get a towel. Suddenly, Die wrapped his arms around Toshiya's waist, embracing Toshiya from behind. Turning Toshiya toward him, Die cover Toshiya's lips with his own, giving Toshiya a strong kiss before pushing Toshiya down onto the bed.

" Die!" Toshiya who was stun by Die action finally regained from shocked and began to protest.

" Toshiya don't leave me!"

" Let go of me!" Toshiya was struggling to get free from Die grip.

" I love you!" Die said and began to kiss Toshiya passionately ignoring Toshiya struggler.

Unable to cope with Die's strength, Toshiya began to get tired and losing his strength. ' KAORU!! ' Toshiya screamed but no voice came out.

Die stopped his action; he felt something on Toshiya's face that makes him come to his sense again. Toshiya was crying? I've make him cry, it not suppose to be? I love him and wanted to protect him but not making him cry!! Die move away from Toshiya and held the sobbing Toshiya to sit up.

" Toshiya... I'm sorry, please don't cry."

" Let go of me!!" Toshiya exclaimed and shift to the corner of the bed.

" Toshiya, I won't do anything again, please don't be afraid of me! Please!!"

Die buried his face with his hands, regretting what he has done and ask for Toshiya forgiveness. Toshiya who has calm down by now wipe the tears from his face, seeing how depress Die is, Toshiya's heart soften and forgive Die.

" Die, you may have ruin our friendship if you had continue what you have do just now."

" Toshiya, can you forgive me. Forgive what I have done to you?" Die asks desperately.

" Die, if I didn't forgive you, I would not talk to you then."

" Toshiya..."

" I must tell you that you're an important friend to me but I can't love you. I..."

" You in love with Kaoru?" Die asks suddenly.

Toshiya did not say anything, but Die can feel it, Die knows that he had lost to his best friend Kaoru. Die know that he can only give Toshiya and Kaoru his blessing now, because they were both in love with each other.

" Thank You, Toshiya."

The phone rang, Toshiya stretch his hand to reach for the phone but he just couldn't get it.

" Moshi Moshi. Yes, he's here. Alright we’ll be there soon, bye." Toshiya open his eyes wider and remember that he was in Die's apartment when he heard Die answering the phone.

" Toshiya, Toshiya! Are you awake? We’re late for practice. Wake up now!"

On the way to the studio, Die and Toshiya was unusually quiet. Toshiya remember that he was too tired yesterday night after the incident happened and he had spent the night at Die's place. He had forgiven Die but he just couldn't treat that nothing had happened. Toshiya wants to break this silent atmosphere, he know he must, right before their friendship die out.

" Toshiya, what're you thinking? You've been keeping quiet all the time, that's unlike you."

" Die... actually I..."

Die stops the car at the side of the road, as there's not many car on the road at this time. Die knows what Toshiya is thinking about all the time and he want to make thing clear before their friendship worn out.

" Listen here!! Toshiya, you're my 'IMPORTANT' friend from now on and nothing else. Just friend and buddies okay!! Do not think too much of what happened yesterday unless you have not forgive me!"

" Die...!"

" UNDERSTAND!!" Die asks again.

" YES!!" Toshiya exclaim and finally there's a smile on his face.

" Very good! Then let's get going before they kill us."

" Thank you, Die!"

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Kaoru was standing near the window where he saw Die's car arriving. Toshiya and Die get out of the car and was chatting all the way. Toshiya was laughing happily while Die seem to be the one being joke. All the scene that appear in Kaoru's eyes was making him mad but he just turn around and walk to his guitar without showing his anger.

" Hahaha! Here come our dear Toshiya and Die." Kyo said once they enter the studio.

" We're sorry!"

" Yeah yeah, anyway what our dear Toshiya doing in Die's place the whole night?"

" Kyo!!... We're just discussing something related to our new song and it was too late so Toshiya stay in. That's all, what the big deal!" Die explains.

" GET START NOW!!" Kaoru shouted.

Why am I so angry? There's nothing between them as they had said!! Can I believe this? Die in love with Toshiya and they had spent the whole night together and.... What the hell am I thinking about!! I didn't tell Toshiya anything and he has the choice to chose between Die and me. This entire question was surrounding Kaoru's mind, before he had notice, he had been shouting at his bandmate several time although they did not make any big mistake.

" Kaoru! What the hell is this all about?" Die shouted at Kaoru angrily.

" We've been practicing the same song until now." Shinya added.

" Are you alright?"

" I'm alright, just let me take a rest." Kaoru answer, shoving Toshiya's hand away and walk out the studio.

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" What happened to Kaoru?"

" I think he's jealous!!" Kyo answer directly.

" Toshiya, I think you should go after him, tell him what's in your mind." Die whisper to Toshiya, encouraging him.

Kaoru was standing outside the studio puffing his cigarette watching the people downstairs. Toshiya open the door and close lightly behind him.

" Kaoru."

" Huh?"

" Do you have something to tell me yesterday?"

" Then do you have anything to tell me?" Kaoru ask while turning to face Toshiya.

There was silent, both of them was facing each other but no word came out from their mouth. Kaoru want to know if there's anything happened between Toshiya and Die but he dare not ask. Toshiya understand Kaoru's feeling but Toshiya is the type of person who will not speak up first. Toshiya just wants Kaoru to speak up first and he know that he will tell Kaoru the three words in his heart that he had not say to anyone since Touji left him.

" Toshiya, I..." Kaoru stop what he was saying, he saw something that he doesn’t want to see.

" Huh?"

" Nothing! Let's end the practice today."

Kaoru turn and walk away leaving the now heartbroken Toshiya standing alone. Why Kaoru leaving like this? I thought he should have something to say to me? This two question keep cycling in Toshiya's mind and before he had notice, tears had already dropped down from his eyes.

" What happened? Why Kaoru leaving in such a hurry?" Die said while walking out of the studio.

" Die... What should I do? Am I doing far too much? I did not want to tell Kaoru that I love him; I want him to said first. Is it because of this that making him angry?" Toshiya said and tears keep dropping from his eyes. " Or... he did not love me from the beginning?"

" Toshiya, stop crying. I know Kaoru love you! Believe me!!"

" ... "

Kaoru sighed, putting the bottle of beer down and lighting up a cigarette. Kaoru felt that he will die anytime, anytime from the moment he saw the love bite on Toshiya's neck. It seem that someone was stabbing his heart continually and jealousy will make him kill the person who did this to Toshiya. Kaoru was always a calm person but not this time, he knows who that person might be and he also know that he can't afford to lose this person. ' I have to give up if they really in love?' was the only question that comes across Kaoru's mind.

Kaoru had been observing every movement of Toshiya and Die. He wants to ask Toshiya but he was afraid of the answer! ' Die and Toshiya had been leaving together everyday after the practice, hasn't this make sense?' was the conclusion Kaoru had make after this several day of observation.

The practice was over, Toshiya was still feeling upset and Die had been accompanying Toshiya since the past few day. Kaoru saw them left and was about to leave the studio when Shinya stop him.

" Toshiya, I think you should speak up first. Tell Kaoru your feeling." Die said suddenly after a long silent in the car, which was heading back to the studio.

" Will he accept me?" Toshiya who is now quite unsure of what Kaoru is thinking ask.

" He will!!"

Die had forgotten his wallet at the studio and was now heading back to get it dragging Toshiya with him. Toshiya was walking in front of Die who seen to be walking a bit slower today. When they reach the door of the studio, Toshiya notice that the light was still on. ' Someone still in the studio?’ Toshiya wonder and stretch his hand to open the door.

" Kaoru ... " Shinya said while leading forward to kiss Kaoru just as Toshiya open the door.

" Shinya?" Kaoru yelled in surprise while pushing Shinya away in the same time exclaim when he sees Toshiya stand at the door. " TOSHIYA!"

" Toshiya, why you stand... " Die hasn't finish his word when Toshiya dash past him. " Toshiya!"

" Kaoru, go after him now!" Shinya ordered and Kaoru follow his order although not really understand what's happening.

" Toshiya, wait!"

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" So what will happened to our prince and princess next?" Kyo said while walking into the studio.

" Good acting skill we have." Die said.

" HAHAHAHA!!"

Toshiya was running like hell until he couldn't run anymore. 'So huh, thinking so high of yourself, thinking that Kaoru will definitely fall in love with you. Shinya had get ahead of you now! SEE, STUPID TOSHIYA!! Now you lose the one you love and that's the prices of your pride.' Tears seem to be dripping nonstop from Toshiya's eyes, blaming himself seem to be useless now but what can I do now?

" Toshiya! You can run real fast." Kaoru was breathing heavily while saying.

" Kaoru?" Toshiya call out softly. " What you doing here?"

" What am I doing here?" Kaoru repeat the bassist question, still trying to catch his breath. " I'm here to tell you that I don't know why Shinya kiss me at a sudden, I here to tell you that..."

" Huh, don't know why! That's funny, huh!!" Toshiya cut into Kaoru word.

" Believe me!"

" But I see it with my own eyes!! And why must you explain to me?"

" Then why’ve you getting so angry over it?"

" Who said I'm angry!" Toshiya shout back. " And so what if I'm angry! Why can't I be angry?" Toshiya starts to get unreasonable, hitting the older man chest continually until Kaoru catches him.

" I think I the one who suppose to be angry!" Kaoru squeeze Toshiya hand with more strength ignoring the protest from Toshiya.

" Huh?"

" You know I love you but why you.... why you must chose Die? You know how much it hurt me!" Kaoru voice shakes a little when he remembers how joyful Toshiya is when he is with Die.

" Who told you that I'm with Die?"

" But the love bite... don't tell me you did it yourself."

" That’s... wait! What you said earlier on?" Toshiya blush as he recalls Kaoru word earlier on.

" I said why you chose Die when you know that I LOVE YOU...!"Kaoru blushed when he exclaimed the last three words clearly.

" You didn't tell me that, you see." Toshiya's anger had smoothened now upon hearing what Kaoru had said, a bratty smile appears on his face for a short while.

" So what... don't tell me you're not." Although Kaoru had believe Toshiya and Die was together at first but not after the bassist run away after seeing the kissing scene of Shinya and him.

" Who said I am?" Toshiya voice softens down trying to decline but his sweet smile had betrayed him.

" Then why you're angry to see Shinya kissing me." Kaoru said trying to make Toshiya admit his feeling but soon realize he had said something wrong again when Toshiya shook off his hand.

" AND WHY DID SHINYA KISS YOU?" Toshiya stares firmly into Kaoru eyes wanting for an answer.

" Well, I really don't know but I realize something else from that." A smile appears on Kaoru face, a blissful one.

" Huh?"

" You're also in love with me! Am I right?" Kaoru said while pulling the blushing Toshiya in his arms.

" Mmm… I admit I've lose my pride to you." At least Toshiya understand there’s no need to be stubborn anymore in front of Kaoru, the man he love and who love him too...

END~