“ Do you think things are still
the same in the other world?”
March
31, he stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door hard behind him. My heart
pounded fast, I wanted to stop him but my pride had made me mute at that
moment.
I
waited for him to come back so that I can apologize to him but he never gives
me a chance. That day was the last time I saw him.
It
should be a joyful day for me, it’s my birthday today and he had promised to
bring me out for dinner and accompany me for the whole day. I know he would
never break his promise nor lied to me but he had broken his promise on this
very special occasion.
It
was the first time but also the last time. He just left me…
1st
April.
Someone
tries to make fun of me, thinking that I can easily be tricked. They called and
called again even though I keep hanging up their phone. I was still waiting for
him to come back and was in no mood to play with ‘them’.
The
phone rang again; it had been several times since I had hanged it up. ‘ Why
can’t these peoples stop harassing me?’
“
Hello!” I exclaim when picking up the phone again.
“
Toshiya! Stop hanging up the phone!!” The person yelled at the other side of
the phone and it seem that it was not the first time he had screamed at
Toshiya.
“
Kyo!” Toshiya yelled back. “ Please, I’m in no mood to joked with you!”
“
I’m not JOKING!!”
“
Kyo… I said I have no mood…” Toshiya’s voice was shaking now.
“
Toshiya…” Kyo could hear sobbing sound at the other side of the phone.
Toshiya’s
voice finally broke down. He knows Kyo was not joking with him at the very
beginning. He treated it as a joke because he just doesn’t want to admit what
he had heard from his friend.
“
Why? Why can’t you just admit that you’re joking with me? …… Why?”
The
wind was blowing strongly at every one of us. The fans were crying, Shinya was crying
even Kyo’s eyes were reddened. Everyone who knows him was weeping quietly or
crying out aloud.
I
just don’t know what is wrong with me. I was standing in front of his grave and
stare blankly at it. No pain, no tears, no anything which was not suppose to be
what a lover should be like.
The
ceremony went on smoothly. I saw the worker lowering his body into the ground
slowly until it can’t be seem. Friends and relatives went forward to have a
last look at him, but I did not. Shinya pulled me, Kyo pushed me but I still
did not move until they finally give up.
Kyo
and Shinya approached me again when everything was done. I was stilling
standing there staring at don’t know whatever.
“
What do you think you’re doing?” Shinya spoke angrily at me.
“
……” I remained silent.
Kyo
pouted.
I
smiled.
I
laughed.
My
laughter becomes more and more hysterical. Kyo and Shinya looked at me in
surprised, others stared at me.
I
just came stop laughing until my surrounding starts to blackout.
“
TOSHIYA!!?” My name was the last echo I heard.
Kyo
and Shinya walks out of the ward, Toshiya was still sleeping and they decide to
proceed to the emergency department where Die was now in.
Die
had not wakened up since that day he and Kaoru met the accident; he was lucky that
he had survived in such a serious crash.
Kyo
sighed.
Shinya
looked worrying at his sleeping bandmate.
Kyo
just could not imagine what Die would react when he know what had happened to
his best friend.
Shinya
prayed for Die to wake up soon but the person he was more worried about was
actually Toshiya. He knows the strike for Toshiya was too big, especially after
seeing how he had behaved during the funeral.
<Flashback>
March
31.
Die
was keeping Kaoru accompany after he know that Kaoru had quarrel with Toshiya.
They were both drunk when they left the pub where the owner of the pub still
warn them not to drive but was being ignored of course.
Then
the accident happened the very next moment when they were on he road. Die was
at the driver seat while Kaoru was sitting behind; therefore Kaoru was thrown
out of the car during the impact while Die was save by the safety belt.
“
Kao…ru…” Die called in a weak voice when he sees his friend lying on the road
just in front of him before he loses consciousness.
Lying
on the road, Kaoru was still in conscious and was having difficultly breathing.
He tries to move but he could not, his body was all in pain. Slowly, he felt
like sleeping and closes his eyes.
Totchi… sorry…I broke my promised.
<End of flashback>
4th
April.
Die
opens his eyes. He stared vacantly at the ceiling, trying to regain his
thought.
Die! Die, can you hear us?
Someone
was calling his name, somehow a familiar voice to him. Kyo? What’s going on
here? Where am I? Why’s Kyo shouting at my name? And why can’t I speak out?
Followed
by, he could see doctors and nurses moving around him, touching him and talking
to one another. He was so tired that he falls asleep again.
Toshiya
wakes up in the dark ward. He look around, no one was there. Where’s Kaoru?
Where am I?
The
door opened lightly, Toshiya looks at the direction whereby he saw someone
walking in, someone who look familiar. “ Who is it?” That person switches on
the light; Toshiya stared at that person. Who’s this guy? He… somehow looks
like…
“
Toshiya! You’re awake!”
Toshiya?
He called me Toshiya? Oh yes I remember now, my name is Toshiya and I am…
Shinya
look worried, Toshiya seem to not recognize him. “ Are you alright, Totchi?”
“
Shinya?”
Shinya
finally felt relief when Toshiya called out his name. He was so afraid just now
that his friend wouldn’t recognize him.
“
What happened to me?”
“
…You don’t remember?”
“
Where’s Kaoru?”
Shinya
was in dilemma, wondering what should he do now. He didn’t expect Toshiya will
ask him this question, he didn’t expect Toshiya would forget what had happened
to Kaoru. Should I tell him the truth? Will he be able to take it? What if…?
Kyo
enter the room at this moment, which let Shinya felt relief. He was really
afraid to tell Toshiya anything now. “ He’s not free at the moment!” Kyo
answered without second thought.
Shinya
look at Kyo then back to Toshiya and give the latter a nod of agreement. It’ll
be better this way now.
6th
April. (2 days later)
Shinya
enter the ward where Toshiya was in, the thing in his hand dropped, his heart
pump wildly when he saw his friend. “ Toshiya!? Why are you crying?” He asked
anxiously wondering have his friend remember everything.
“
……”
“
Toshiya…?”
“
Shinya, where’s Kaoru?”
What
should I do now? Should I tell him the truth? But the doctor told us not to
excite him now!
Toshiya
interrupt Shinya thinking again. “ Why isn’t he’s here these two day?”
Shinya’s
heart was beating faster and faster. He know he is not a good in telling lie
but he have to now. “ Totchi… actually… actually… he… he had went oversea!”
Toshiya
stared at his nervous friend. Shinya felt himself tensing up.
Die
sits up from the bed looking out of the window. It was a sunny afternoon; he
had just waked up from a dream. He held his hand up and touches the bruise on
his face, he could feel the pain and something watery from his eyes, tear had
formed around his eyes.
Kaoru…
sorry, if I haven’t insists of driving when drunk… Sorry.
He
buries his head in both of his hands, he was confused now; he had cause the
death of his best friend and had hurt the heart of anyone who loves Kaoru. The
fans was sad; friend and relative was sad; and especially Toshiya, the man whom
he also in love with since long ago.
Die
quickly wipes his tears away when he hears someone opening the door. Shinya was
standing outside the door with both of his hand carrying bags of thing. He
gives Die a smile, which look rather a tiring one and enter the room.
“
How’s Toshiya?”
Shinya
turns around facing Die.
“
He’s fine.” Shinya answered with a force smile.
Do
you expect me to tell you that Toshiya is also in the hospital and he had
totally forgotten about Kaoru’s death? And then you start to blame everything
on yourself again. I don’t want to see the sad expression on your face, you
know Die!?
“
He must have hated me now…” Die muttered softly.
He
has not visit me since the day I woke up. Of course he won’t! You’ve just
killed the love of his life and you expect him to forgive you!?
“
What are you saying?”
“
Nothing.”
Die
remains silent again. He looks out of the window, the wind feels so comfortable
to him and the sky was so blue. Everything seem so beautiful to him suddenly,
just then he realized how much nature beauty he had neglected ever since he
start to love nightlife. But it is all right because he can start enjoying this
nature beauty again as soon as he wishes. He was given this chance to admire it
again.
“
Shinya.” Die call suddenly. “ Do you think Kaoru could see what we are seeing
right here now? The beautiful blue sky, the colorful world?”
Shinya
looks out of he window, the weather was so good. He looks back at Die and nods
his head with a smile. “ He will.” Shinya could feel the pain in Die, the pain
was worse then being stab by a knife. Shinya wanted to hold back his tear so
badly; he does not want to cry in front of Die because he knows Die may break
down anytime. He wants to be strong in front of Die so that he can be someone
who can comfort Die when needed.
“
Really…?” Die said looking at Shinya who was standing there unmoved staring at
don’t know whatever. “ Shinya? Are you alright?”
“
Yes. Kaoru will definitely see it.” Shinya answer and walk to the table taking
up the flask. “ I go to get some hot water.”
The
tears were so heavy for Shinya now and he know it may drop down anytime. He
can’t stay in the ward now. “ I’ll be back soon.” Shinya opens the door and
steps out of the ward where he knock onto someone who is walking pass the ward.
The flask in his hand dropped. Die look out of the ward when he heard the
noise.
“
Ouch.” Shinya yell when the flask drops onto his leg.
“
I’m sorry… Shinya!?” The person apologizes.
Shinya
looks up at that person when he hears his name being mention. “ Toshiya!!”
Die
walks to the door and sees the two of them standing there staring at one
another. “ What’s going on?” Die asked.
“
Nothing, just…” Shinya was about to explain when Toshiya suddenly interrupted
him.
“
KAORU!!” Toshiya exclaimed and hugged Die tightly.
Die
was stunned but stand there unmoved. Shinya was confused. Toshiya was smiling
sweetly still clutching onto Die.
“
Shinya, why do you lied to me?” Toshiya asked suddenly.
“
Huh?”
“
You said Kaoru had went oversea?”
Shinya
was still in confused situation. Toshiya is calling Die as Kaoru? What’s going
on? Die was still standing unmoved. Toshiya was staring at Shinya for an
answer.
“
Err…”
March 31
Part II
He didn’t know how fast time would pass, until he’s
regret. Once, his lover was always with him, now the reality of time had snatch
his lover away.
No
matter how hard he cry, no matter how hard he tried. There’s no way to turn
back the time, treasure it or lose it.
When reality hit on him, he had chosen to
avoid it. He had created an illusions but it will never turn into a fact.
There’s only two ways for him now. To remain in his illusions fantasy forever or accept the fact and this had come back to the beginning again, time was the only thing he needed in order to decide.
“
Kaoru! Kaoru!”
Toshiya happily walks to his ‘lover’, clutching onto Die’s arm. He
smiled sweetly at him then to Shinya who is also around before greeting the later.
Die manages to smile back.
“ Shin-chan, ohayo!”
Shinya
did not look at Toshiya but still greet him back. It had been a few months
since Kaoru accident. Die had fully recovered but had now turned into ‘ Kaoru’
just for Toshiya. Toshiya had been calling Die as Kaoru even the others tries
to explain to him, but only to get big fuss from Toshiya.
The
doctor told them to give in to Toshiya, at least for now. Toshiya’s mental
condition is critical, he may broke down anytime, Die doesn’t want this to happen,
Shinya and Kyo had agreed with Die. As
day passed, Shinya realize it may not be a good idea to continue giving in to
Toshiya.
Shinya
had brought up the topic to Die and Kyo. Kyo agreed with Shinya but Die refuse
to take the danger to excite Toshiya. He had killed Toshiya’s lover, he does
not want to destroy Toshiya whole life.
I’m willing to be Kaoru forever if Toshiya wants… forever
even if he never remembers there’s someone name Die.
Shinya
and Kyo give in after Die end their discussion with this sentence. They
understand, they know Die was trying to make up for Toshiya no matter what it
will cost even letting the man he love to forget Die existing.
As long as you are happy, Totchi…
Die
is aching, whenever Toshiya call him Kaoru. Die existing had been erase totally
out of Toshiya.
One would never understand how it feel when the one you love
don’t admit your existing until you met it…
Toshiya
had decide to move into Die apartment, he had always wanted to do so but he didn’t
because Kaoru doesn’t agreed with him though Kaoru did allow Toshiya to live in
his place for a few days sometimes. These few days will never be enough for
Toshiya, the bassist always wanted to stay beside his lover, to see Kaoru
everyday.
Due
to all these reason, he still obey his lover, Toshiya always listen to what
Kaoru said or what Kaoru wants.
Now
Toshiya had moved into Die’s place. To Toshiya, his wish had come truth because
‘Kaoru’ finally let him to but in the others view, this is just to give Toshiya
a chance to fulfill his wish that will never have a chance to come truth.
Everyone
knows it is just something that will never have a result again. They give in;
all they see is how happy the bassist was when he moves into his ‘lover’ place.
The others was happily helping Toshiya to move his belonging, the joy is only
from their face but not in their heart. Deep inside all of them, they felt sad
for the bassist.
Toshiya
is ecstatic that day.
For
the first few days, Toshiya and Die sleep in different rooms. To Die, it is
clear to him that he is only an illusion of Kaoru so he never thought of
touching Toshiya.
Shinya
was also afraid on this matter. They let Toshiya to live with Die, they want to
fulfill his wish but Toshiya did not know whom he is really living with. If Die
didn’t want to touch him, it will be like Kaoru not wanting to touch him in
Toshiya view.
Kyo
suggest Die to do whatever needed.
Die
didn’t have any idea.
Shinya
utterly turn down Kyo’s idea.
The
result come out to become they will remain whatever the same situation now as
long as Toshiya did not suspect anything.
Kaoru…
Kaoru where are you going? Toshiya was yelling when Kaoru starts to disappear.
Toshiya and Kaoru were together in an empty room, a cold and deserted room.
Toshiya was afraid but with his lover around, he feels relax. Just then Kaoru
starts to fade away, Toshiya was frighten and start yelling then he felt
someone calling him.
“
Toshiya? Toshiya?”
Toshiya
open his eyes, he stare at the top ceiling first, blankly then his sight turn
to the person sitting in front of him. His mind start clearing then he smile at
that person, he sit up and hug him.
“
Kaoru… I thought you are leaving me, it just a dream but it’s scary.”
Die
hug Toshiya back, knowing that Toshiya is feeling worried. The bassist was
sweating, afraid when Die enters the room as he heard Toshiya yelling.
“
I’m here. I won’t leave you.” Die pad on Toshiya back.
The
bassist was not trembling now; he was enjoying the companion of his ‘lover’
instead. Die just embraces Toshiya and both sitting on the bed. “ Promise you
won’t leave me Kaoru?”
Die
felt pain in his heart. Toshiya was not talking him, he was talking to Kaoru,
to the person whom Die had causes his death. “ I promised.” He is feeling more
painful when he answers Toshiya because he had lie to Toshiya.
Kaoru
had left Toshiya, he didn’t keep his promise and Die was the main causer who
had lead to all this, he is the one who had cause Kaoru to break his promise to
Toshiya. In either way, he will hurt Toshiya deeply.
Please allow me to change my life with Kaoru… I’m willing to
die in Kaoru’s place! Why did you take him instead of me?
“
Kaoru?” Toshiya was staring at him when he heard the bassist calling him. “
What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“
Nothing! Nothing!” Die exclaim suddenly, pulling Toshiya into his strong arms.
“ I never leave you, I won’t let you to be sad again.”
Die
was hugging Toshiya; very tight just like he was afraid Toshiya might disappear
if he let go. Die’s eyes was redden, a drop of tear drain down Die’s face
again. He was hurt, pain, very painful, Die was hurting like hell.
“
I know, I know! You will keep your promise!” Toshiya was wiping the tear from
Die. “ I believe you, that’s no need for you to cry.”
Toshiya’s
eyes were reddening too; he was so touch by his ‘lover’ love for him. He never
knows Kaoru love him that much until now that he see Kaoru cry for him. “ I
love you Kaoru!”
Die
look at Toshiya the moment Toshiya say that. How he wish these sentence will be
say to him instead of Kaoru, how Die wishes the one Toshiya love will be him.
“
I love you…” Toshiya was now kneeing in front of Die, his lips was on Die’s.
There
is no reaction from Die; this is too sudden for Die to react. Toshiya starts to
deepen their kisses; he was now sitting between Die’s legs. His hands starts to
unbutton Die’s shirt and trouser, his hands was now touching Die’s body.
Toshiya was now passion; they had not been doing anything for the pass few
months due to Die injured.
Finally
Die starts to react, he seem just to realize what Toshiya wants to do.
He
was not moving at first until Toshiya starts to unzip his pant. Die caught hold
of the bassist’s hand and push his hands away follow by his body. Die was not
looking at Toshiya when he did that.
“
Sorry.” Die left the room leaving this word and a daze Toshiya.
Die
went back to his room. Burying his head under the pillow, keeping him-self
cool. He would have lost control just now and have sex with Toshiya if he did
not hear Toshiya calling him Kaoru. He may have made another mistake if he has
sex with Toshiya.
After
a while Die finally cool down. His mind had cool down but not his body, he was
still feeling hot from Toshiya kiss. He ended up doing it him-self that night.
It was a long night for Die.
Toshiya
was still sitting on the bed not having any idea why his ‘lover’ rejected him.
After a long nonsense thinking, he come out with a conclusion that his ‘lover’
was introverted because they had not done it for a few months.
All
he could think of now was something that will console him. Toshiya soon fallen
asleep.
The
next morning, they blush when seeing each other. Besides having eyes contact
when they greet each other good morning, they did not look into one another
eyes the whole day.
Shinya
was the first one to realize it when he meets them. He asked Die about it but
did not get an answer so do Toshiya who decide not to tell Shinya
anything.
Shinya
doesn’t like the feeling when he felt the two had something to keep away from
him. He was feeling sour in his heart, he was jealous of Toshiya.
As
days passed, the incident had happen a few time but always have the same ending
with Die running away from Toshiya. Toshiya did not feel anything suspicious at
first but not now.
Die
had told Shinya and Kyo about it when the matter happens the second time. They
had an argument during that discussion, Shinya believe that it will be better
to tell Toshiya or to force Toshiya to accept the truth but was again rejected
by Die with the same reason he had give earlier on.
Shinya
give up.
Die
continues his ‘job’.
But
things don’t seem to work very well now. Die could feel that he is hurting
Toshiya every time he reject him, he didn’t give Toshiya a reason. Die had been
trying his best to make Toshiya happy other than having sex with him but
Toshiya did not think that way.
Toshiya
was unhappy now.
Toshiya
was guessing now, about his lover.
Toshiya
discuss the matter with Shinya who had already known about it. The only answer
he gets was not related to Die but he could felt Shinya was treating him
coldly. He doesn’t know why. He didn’t get any outcome from Shinya so he
decides to ask Kyo about it.
The
only thing Kyo told Toshiya was that Kaoru love him.
Kyo
ask Shinya about why he is treating Toshiya like that, he didn’t have an answer
so Kyo tell Die about it who turn back to Shinya asking for an answer.
“
ENOUGH!” Shinya exclaimed.
Both
Die and Kyo was stunned. They did not know Shinya would have such big temper.
Shinya was now trying to cool him-self down when he see the expression on his
bandmate face. “ Let’s tell Toshiya the truth!”
Die
rejected again.
Kyo
not giving any comment this time.
“
Why you always want to tell him the truth, you know it might excite him and he
will…” Die trying to give a reason to his rejection.
“
So what you intend to do?” Shinya was furious. “ Keep on rejecting him when he
want to have sex? You know you’re hurting him, you are making him thinking that
you don’t love him anymore!”
“
But…”
“
But what?” Shinya cut into Die word. “ You thinking that you might as well have
sex with him and turn into his real lover? It won’t work Die, what if Toshiya
come to remember everything one day? He will never love you, never forgive you
for cheating him.”
Die
was speechless. What Shinya say is correct, he can’t do that to Toshiya because
he had hurt him more than enough. Kyo also agreed to what Shinya had say but
how should they tell Toshiya about it? It was their biggest problem now.
They
decide to bring Toshiya to Kaoru’s grave. Then they are stick to this because
they did not know how to tell Toshiya about it when they are there. Mostly
afraid that don’t know what may happen to Toshiya if he is being told.
As
they are glue to how should they tell Toshiya about it, days was passing fast
and soon Die start to revert in not telling Toshiya anything. Shinya could feel
that Die may not want to tell Toshiya anything now, believing that Die starts
taking advantage of the situation to be with Toshiya.
Die
love Toshiya, everyone knows about it even Kaoru know when he is alive but no
one knows how much Shinya was in love with Die. Shinya had been keeping his
feeling, not wanting Die to know but he never felt jealous because Shinya know
that Toshiya would not love Die. But now the situation is different, Toshiya is
taking Die as Kaoru, he will love Die and they would be together if Toshiya
never remember anything.
Shinya
was struggling in his heart. He was jealous, he wants to tell Toshiya
everything or at least let Toshiya to know that Die is not his lover. He may be
selfish to do that but from the other point, Shinya believe that he is helping
Toshiya.
Shinya
never made up his mind until that day when he saw Toshiya and Die kissing in
the car. He could not believe that Die had allowed Toshiya to do so. He wants
to tell Toshiya now, he had decides.
“
Where are you bringing me to?” Toshiya asked when he walks down of the car.
Shinya
didn’t answer and Toshiya just keep following Shinya. They stop at a grave,
Kaoru name was carve on it together with a picture of him. Shinya did not say anything
but quietly let Toshiya explore the surrounding and get the idea where he is at
now before they tell him anything.
“
Why are you bringing me here?”
Shinya
finally break his silent. He point to the grave of Kaoru to Toshiya. Toshiya
just stare at the grave with doubt. “ Who is he?” He ask after a few minutes of
thinking.
“
Kaoru!” Shinya mainly answered.
Toshiya
was smiling thinking that Shinya is joking with him.
“
The Kaoru you are with now is Die! Remember?”
“
Die?”
“
The real Kaoru is death! Your lover Kaoru is death!”
Shinya
starts to tell Toshiya everything starting from the day Kaoru meet the accident
until now.
“
Get it now!?” Shinya shaking on Toshiya who start to reject to what he had
heard from his friend. “ You must face the reality!”
“
Let go of me, it hurt!”
Shinya
let go of Toshiya knowing that he had hurt the bassist. Toshiya was looking
angry; he was staring at Shinya looking very angry. “ I don’t like this joke!
Don’t you dare cursing Kaoru again!”
“
Toshiya! Wait…” Shinya shouted at Toshiya who had run away.
Toshiya
was walking lifeless on the street not knowing where he is going until he found
him-self standing in front of a house. He looks up and found the place look
familiar to him, he seem to know this place but the memory is blurred. He tried
to recall a thing but his head is killing him with pain every time he tries to.
After
a while he give up and sits on the floor in front of the door. Toshiya didn’t
know why but there is tears dripping down his face, he was feeling sad suddenly
like he had lost something that is very important to him.
Toshiya
had been sitting there the whole day until Die called his handphone. Die was
worry sick when Toshiya had not return home at this hour and was fear that
something may happen to Toshiya when Shinya told him that he had told Toshiya
everything.
“
Toshiya, where are you?” Die was shouting at the other end when Toshiya answer
the call.
“
Kaoru?” Toshiya voice was quivering. “ My head is hurting…”
“
Where are you? You wait for me and I come over to fetch you.” Die felt him-self
almost dying when he hear Toshiya voice.
“
I don’t know this place… I was walking and when I realize I’m already here…”
Toshiya was now sobbing. “ I could only see a very tall yellow building in
front.”
Die
was mute, he know actually where Toshiya was. “ I know, you wait for me there.”
“
Where is he?” Kyo asked as soon as Die hanged up.
Die
was not looking good at that moment. There is worried, fear and doubt in him. “
He’s at Kaoru’s apartment.” Die simply answered.
Shinya
and Kyo look disbelief at Die.
When
they reach Kaoru apartment, they found Toshiya sleeping there and Die carries
him back without waking him. Shinya was keeping quiet the whole time, he know
Die was angry with him. He was wondering had he did the wrong thing this time?
“
I think we should stop here!” Die walks out of the bedroom closing the door
lightly behind him after placing Toshiya in the bedroom.
Shinya
and Kyo look at Die, wondering what he is referring to. “ What do you mean?”
Kyo asked.
“
Just let the matter end like this, I don’t want anyone to tell Toshiya anymore
thing about Kaoru or me!” Die sound like an ordering. “ If Toshiya did not
remember anything forever, I don’t mind being Kaoru for my whole life just for
him!”
They
finally understand what Die was referring to, Die had decides and not
discussing with them now. He was going to stop them from telling Toshiya
anymore thing. Shinya was discontented, he understand he may have use the wrong
method in telling Toshiya this time but that doesn’t mean they had to end what
they had agreed with each other earlier about telling Toshiya the truth.
“
But Die…”
“
You shut up!” Die yell at Shinya who was trying to talk. “ I will never forgive
you if something really happened to Toshiya today.”
Shinya
was stun, sad and painful out of the sudden. This is the first time Die had
talk to him like that, Die never yell at him before or say thing that sound
like warning to him. He was disheartened and painful, Shinya felt like crying
but he didn’t, he was trying to keep him-self cool down.
“
Why are you so keen in telling Toshiya?” Die asked suddenly using a lower tone.
Shinya
look daze at Die, he didn’t expect Die would ask him such question after
yelling at him. He looks down to the floor and think, while later he speak up.
“
I know I may be selfish, I wanted Toshiya to know the truth, partly it that I
really wanted him to get well or to accept the reality but mainly it because
of… you.”
Die
was wondering what Shinya was saying.
“
I don’t want to see you two getting closer and closer as day pass, I don’t want
you two to really for in love because Toshiya might remember all thing someday
and when it comes, you will get hurt.”
“
It doesn’t matter if I get hurt, if that all you thinking, I hope you will
accept what I wanted to do.”
Shinya
shake his head. “ I don’t want to see that! You two getting closer…”
“
Why? It doesn’t hurt either of us now?”
“
I like you… because I love you…” Shinya was muttering softly.
“
What?”
Kyo
seem to have heard what Shinya had said.
“
I SAY I …I love you… since long ago… I had fallen in love with you.”
Die
stared at Shinya with widen eyes.
Shinya
was blushing.
“
Kaoru… Kaoru… KAORU!!!” The sound coming from the bedroom breaks the stillness
in the living room.
Die
rush into the room to see what going on with Toshiya. He enters the room and
saw Toshiya sitting on the bed covering his head with the blanket and seem like
he is crying.
“
What happened? Are you alright?” Die walk to Toshiya and ask him, taking the
blanket away from his head.
Toshiya
did not say anything; all he did was embrace Die tightly when Die takes the
blanket away from him. His eyes was red, tears was on his face. Die look at
Toshiya caringly not noticing that Shinya was staring at them depressingly.
“
Don’t leave me Kaoru…” Toshiya mutter. “ You say you won’t leave me.”
“
I won’t. Promised.” Die pad Toshiya on his back lightly. “ I’ll be here with
you.”
I will never have a place in Die heart like Toshiya have…
I’m a total loser. Shinya left the room quietly. Kyo follow him and
they leave together without telling Die.
The
next morning, Toshiya wakes up and find his ‘lover’ sleeping beside him. He
take a glimpse at Die who is sleeping peacefully then he walks out of the room,
thinking of making some breakfast for his ‘lover’. Few minutes later, Toshiya
enter the room again. He changes his clothes and went out to but some food
instead as there is nothing in the fridge.
Toshiya
was wandering at the street thinking what to buy and when he come to realize,
he was standing in front of that building where he was found yesterday again.
It was wired as this building is not really that near to where he is staying
but he didn’t know why he had ended up here again.
As
he is already here, Toshiya went up to the same place again. He just stand in
front of the door staring at it although he didn’t know why he is doing this or
what making him to do so.
After
a while Toshiya left.
From
that day on, Toshiya had been coming to this apartment often, standing in front
staring at it then left after a while. He did not tell anyone about it even his
‘lover’.
“
Toshiya-kun?” Someone calls Toshiya when he was at Kaoru apartment this
time. “ How have you been?”
Toshiya
know this person, he was Kaoru’s neighbor but what is Kaoru’s neighbor doing
here? “ I’m fine. How about you? What are you doing here?”
The
neighbor looks at Toshiya confusedly. “ I’m fine too.” The person reply
politely. “ And I live here, have you forgotten?”
“
You live here? So you have moved here…”
“
Toshiya-Kun, are you alright? I’ve been living here all the while.”
The
neighbor was concern for Toshiya, realizing something is wrong about him. He
knows Kaoru is dead and he had not seem Toshiya since then but that didn’t
matter much as Toshiya didn’t live here so it is apparent that he did not
appear since Kaoru is dead.
“
I understand that your best friend is dead, please don’t take it too hard.”
Toshiya
was confused too. What is Kaoru’s neighbor talking about? He is Kaoru’s
neighbor and should be living at where Toshiya and his ‘lover’ is living now but
he say he live here and had not moved his place either. And what does he mean
by don’t take it too hard on my friend death?
They
starts clearing their doubt with Toshiya going after that person for an answer.
“…
so since that day I had not see you coming here. It rather normal cause your
friend did live here any longer.”
“
You mean I been living here… with Kaoru? He is… dead? How can it be possible?
I’m living with him now and… and I was with him this morning…”
Toshiya
was astound in what he had heard, slowly he starts to recall what Shinya had
say to him earlier where he was brought to the grave of…
Kaoru? How is it possible?
Toshiya
stop his step in front of the grave, the one where Shinya had shown him. He did
not feel it that time, but now when he look at the picture, he find that person
look rather familiar to him.
The
mixed feeling… warm… happy…sad…painful, all sort of feeling occurring in
Toshiya.
I know this person…
Die
was busy looking around for Toshiya again. He had called Toshiya handphone but
it was switch off, he had tried asking Kyo or Shinya but they did not see
Toshiya either. Now the three of them was searching for Toshiya. Nightfall but
they did not find him, worried ascend.
“
Is there any other place we have not search?”
They
think for a while, then both Die and Shinya recalled a place. “ Kaoru
apartment!” They exclaimed together.
It
was already very dark at the cemetery. Toshiya was still sitting in front of Kaoru’s
grave staring motionlessly at the grave. It was clear form his face and eyes
that he had been crying for a long time. His eyes were red.
Kaoru… you lying to me… you say you’ll accompany me for the
whole day… but you just left me.
March
31.
Several
months ago, that day was his birthday.
They
had quarrel over a small matter and Kaoru just left the house in anger. He
wanted to stop Kaoru but he didn’t because of his stupid pride and he never
have a chance… Toshiya had forgotten what they were quarreling about that day,
all he know was that the price he pay was too high.
“
He is not here either!”
Die
and Shinya was at Kaoru apartment but they did not see Toshiya. Kyo is staying
back at Die place just in case Toshiya had returned. Die squad down beside his
car, he had no more strength to stand on his feet after searching for Toshiya
the whole day and dashing up the stairs just now.
“
Are you alright?” Shinya asked concern.
Die
didn’t say a thing, he slightly nod his head to represent his answer. Die was
panic and worried, he looks scary now; just like he would kill anyone who
disobeys what he had say. “ Where have you been…?” Die muttered.
“
Aren’t you Kaoru’s friend?”
Die
and Shinya look at that person who approaches them.
Toshiya
was starting to get cold. The wind was too strong at the cemetery especially at
this period of time. Toshiya did not have any thicker clothes with him, he was
shivering but he did not care, he just lay his head on Kaoru’s grave.
If you really so cruel to leave me alone… I coming to find
you, I want an answer from you!
Toshiya
felt like sleeping, he was tired, cold and hungry now. Maybe it will be the
best way to end his life like that was the only thing that is in his mind.
He
closed his eyes.
//
Toshiya wake up! Toshiya heard Kaoru voice and he open his eyes to see Kaoru
standing in front of him. Kaoru was smiling at him, a very warm smile, a smile
that Toshiya loved to see.
Kaoru!
Toshiya was overjoyed and he embraces his lover tightly.
Don’t
sleep here Totchi! There is many people concern about you; if you die they will
be very sad.
But
Kaoru… I want to be with you.
No.
Listen to me! You must continue living, for yourself and for me! Please Totchi.
I will never forgive you if you end your life like this.
Toshiya
refused. He was too stubborn but this time Kaoru push him away and faded in
front of Toshiya.
KAORU!
Don’t go…
I
love you Totchi! Forgive me for breaking my promised and continue living for
me! Goodbye… //
“
To… Toshiya…!” Toshiya opens his eyes slowly; there are tears in his eyes.
Toshiya
recognize the two people who are yelling at him. He did not say a thing, he was
still recalling his meeting with Kaoru earlier on, it was just a dream but he
had see Kaoru, he had speak to Kaoru and hug Kaoru, everything seem so real but
it was just a dream.
Toshiya
smile slightly. “ I’m alright!”
Die
enters the bedroom gently, walking as soft as he can not wanting to wake
Toshiya but he stops his action when he saw Toshiya opening his eyes looking at
him.
“
You’re awake.”
Toshiya
nodded.
Die
did not know what to say now. He did not know whether Toshiya had remembered
everything or whether Toshiya had already know that he is not Kaoru.
“
You’re feeling better now?” Die asked again trying to find a topic.
“
I’m alright. Thank you for your concern…Die.”
Die
stare at Toshiya. So you have remembered everything…
everything and you won’t need me anymore. You will hate me because I had kill
Kaoru?
“
You know I… have causes… Kaoru death, you remember everything now…”
“
It not totally your fault, I understand. It was just an accident.” Toshiya
continue after a pause. “ I know, I have told myself that I will never blamed
you for this but… at the same time I will never accept your love whether it is
now or the future.”
“
Why? If you doesn’t blamed me then why?”
“
Because being with you will let me remember of Kaoru’s dead. I won’t blame you
for it but I also don’t wish to remember it all the time and starts hating you
when time passed.”
Die
did not persuade further, he understand what Toshiya was trying to say. Toshiya
had forgiven him but they will never be together, Toshiya does not hate him but
he will also never love Die in the future.
This is my punishment for killing your lover… I love you but
I can’t be with you… I see you but can never touch you.
“
Sorry Die, I know your feeling for me but I can’t accept it.”
“
I understand…” Die reply softly.
They look deep into one another, feeling sorrow
in one another, not knowing when the pain will end. They still need each other
to overcome all this.
Die
walks out of the room. Shinya and Kyo look at him but did not mutter a word;
they just remain silent as Die walk pass them and into the balcony. The two
look at one another wondering who should go to Die and comfort him, this is the
first time they see him with tears.
All
they need now is time, as one say time will cure.
March
31, the following year.
“ Leader-sama, please stop them from picking
at one another!” Shinya was putting his hand together pretending praying.
Die
and Toshiya stop their argument when they heard Shinya say that and stare at
him who was pretending to be annoyed.
“
See Die, I think Shinya need some massaging from us.” Toshiya was giggling.
“
Agreed!”
Shinya
was already out of their sight. “ Shinya!!” They yell like crazy and run
around.
“
Please forgive the three of them, Kaoru.” Kyo was the only one there that look
serious and did not fool around with his other bandmate.
A
while later, all of them was back at Kaoru grave. It was the first anniversary
of Kaoru death and they had come together to pay their late leader a visit.
“
We would start searching for a new guitarist, Dir en Grey will be ‘alive’
soon.” Kyo start telling Kaoru. “ We had decided Shinya to be the leader of the
band.
Shinya
was shaking his head vigorously.
“
Yes… yes! As you know KaoKao, Shinya was always like a mother, isn’t he?”
Toshiya was still giggling. “ So we decide to let him be the leader.”
“
He was the only who refuse, three votes against one so he had to be the
leader.” Die added, grinning.
“
I refused!”
Since
the day Toshiya remembers everything, he starts recovering fast. At first there
is some uneasiness between Die and Toshiya but Toshiya had done a great job in
turning their relationship back to normal. There was a clear knowing between
the two of them now; they understand clearly that they will ALWAYS be friend.
After
getting the point clear, they start opening their heart to one another, soon
their uneasiness is gone and they starts picking on each other like the past.
Shinya
still love Die but he never mention about it again since the day he know there
is only one person in Die heart and that was Toshiya whom can never be replace
by anyone. All he wish is to stay beside Die as a bandmate and friend and goes
to him when Die needed someone to chat.
I have kept my promise Kaoru, I have live on and I would
live well for you. I would be happy and enjoy life for myself and for you. You
can rested now, my love…
Toshiya
was looking far at the other end of the sky with his back facing Kaoru grave,
thinking. The others were about to leave and were shouting at Toshiya to go. Toshiya
nod his head in acknowledgment, he turn back and look at his lover grave one
more time with a sweet smile then he run after his bandmate.
I will visit you again KaoKao!
I love you!! Goodbye~!
Owari
By Tsmrhara