Look at me
By Tsmrhara
“ Toshiya, what happened to you?”
“ … Kaoru.”
Kaoru guide the bassist inside his
house and give him some hot drink before settling down. Worried and wondering
what had happen to the bassist.
Toshiya settle down slowly and take a
slip of the drink. Kaoru stare at him worrying but dare not ask the reason. The
bassist also does not wish to say anything now and the purple head know it, he
could understand.
“ Kaoru, can I stay a night here?”
“ Of course.” The answer came out
without any consideration. “ You sleep in my room.”
“ Thank you.” Toshiya follow their
leader to his room. “ Kaoru…please do not tell Die I’m here.”
“ …”
~ end of flash back ~
**
The morning light shine onto the
sleeping bassist, the bruise mark could clearly been seen now. Toshiya stretch
a bit and turn his body around before opening his eyes. The bassist blush when
he notices how close his face was to their leader. Kawaii he thought; he didn’t
know their leader looks so cute while sleeping.
Totally attract by Kaoru’s sleeping
posture, Toshiya did not notice that Kaoru was awake by then and of course the
bassist did not notice the blush on Kaoru’s face.
“ O…Ohayo.” Toshiya said nervously when
he finally notice the glare from their leader.
Kaoru sits up straight and stretch his
body. His neck was aching. Toshiya stare at the purple head and giggle slightly
showing his cute uneven teeth.
Kaoru looks at Toshiya and felt his
heart ache to see the bruise mark on the bassist’s face. Stretching out his
arm, he touches the bruise mark on the bassist’s face.
“ Can you tell me what had happen now?”
**
Toshiya slowly tell Kaoru what had
happen yesterday night. The sudden changes in Die’s mood and the ill treatment
form Die that had made him to run away from Die’s place last night. He did not
know why Die had treat him like this, it all seem to have happened just in one
night.
Saying of this, Toshiya starts to weep
again. In the other hand, Kaoru had already known what is wrong with Die. Die
is jealous and must be afraid that Kaoru will snatch his lover away from
him.
But why must Die be jealous? Didn’t I
tell him I’ll not let Toshiya know about it! He’s too much!! Thinking of this,
Kaoru felt his blood boil. He just could not tolerate someone that ill-treats
the bassist.
“ Kao…Kaoru-sama?” Toshiya called. “
Are you alright?”
“ ah… yes!”
“ Kaoru… he… I means Die… do you think
he does not love me anymore?”
“ …”
Kaoru did not answer the bassist but
insist he will look for Die first. Toshiya did not stop their leader as he know
once Kaoru had say, no one will be able to stop him. Beside that, Toshiya also
wants to know why.
**
Kaoru reached the pub where he had meet
Die. The red head was already there and was flirting with some woman. Kaoru
take a seat beside his friend and order a glass of beer.
The red head ask the girls to go away,
taking a cigarette and light it before he starts to talk.
“ Toshiya with you last night?”
“ Don’t ask me question which you
already know the answer.” Kaoru said. “ Why you does that to Toshiya?”
“ Does what.”
“ Stop fooling around with me!” Kaoru
exclaim and grab Die’s jacket.
The grin from Die’s face fades away.
The red head shove Kaoru’s hand away roughly and straighten his clothes.
“ Let me tell you this, Toshiya is MY
lover and what I does to him is just between the two of us! So stop telling me
what to do!” Die exclaim.
“ That doesn’t mean you can abuse him
like that!”
“ That’s our problem! If he don’t like,
he can leave!”
“ DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU’LL NEVER LET GO OF
TOSHIYA?” Kaoru could no longer stay claim.
“ That’s history!” Die said. “ Oh, I
almost forget our dear leader was also in love with my lover!”
“ You…”
“ Take him away if you want, anyway
he’s just a toy to me now.”
Upon hearing this, Kaoru give Die a
punch across the face and grab the red head up again. He could not bear with
the red head anymore. “ SAY THAT AGAIN!”
“ FINE!” Die said trying to get rid of
Kaoru grab. “ I GIVE HIM TO YOU IF YOU WANT! HE’S JUST A SLUT, HE CAN SLEEP
WITH ANYONE HE LIKE!”
“ WHAT THE FXXK ARE YOU SAYING!”
Without warning, Kaoru gave the red
head another punch on the face. This time the red head fight back and the two
of them starts punching one another wildly. Cheer and scream from the customers
could be hear clearly.
“ STOP IT!!”
The two angry ‘beast’ stop fighting and
turn to the direction where the shouting came from. The blue head bassist was
standing there, trembling, eyes red and tears were forming around his eyes.
“ Toshiya!” Kaoru exclaim and get his
hand off the red head.
The bassist stares at his ‘lover’ and
remain silent for a while before he say with a shaking voice.
“ I didn’t know until now that I was
just a slut in your eyes.” Saying this, tears drop down from his cheek. “ So
you never love me before?”
Die remains silent. Kaoru stare at the
bassist who seem to have been slash into pieces by the word from Die.
“ BAKA!!” Toshiya shouted at Die and
run out of the pub.
TOSHIYA… Kaoru follow the running
bassist out of the pub. Die sits back down, something watery drop onto his
hand.
Kaoru finally grab hold of the running
bassist and pull him into his arms. The blue head was crying, uncontrollable.
This was the first time Kaoru held the bassist like this, he know he might have
make a mistake for hugging the bassist but he had no choice, he does not want
the bassist to cry, he wants to console him.
This hug was just like a magnet to Kaoru,
he might not be able to regain his confident now in not telling the bassist
what is in his heart all this time. Kaoru knows that once he hugs the bassist,
he will not be able to let go again.
Since Die does this to you, I will not
regret now. I will protect you from now on, give you happiness but will you be
able to forget Die, will you let me hug you as a lover? Kaoru thought of all
this question; Toshiya still in his arm.
**
Die ‘smash’ opens his apartment door
almost breaking it up, not caring that it was already late midnight. There is
something in his heart that he could not say out but wish to say it. He felt
like tearing every single thing that appear in front of him now; the
television, the table, everything.
His handphone rang; the red head threw
it toward his TV set without having a second thought. Broken glass fly lying
everywhere. His anger rose and starts throwing all the things he can see know.
It seemed that no one could stop him now.
Minutes later, the red head stop
suddenly after he almost tear up his house, a photo frame was in his hand. He
stares at the photo, tears roll down his cheek.
…Toshiya
**
Kaoru become worry when Toshiya had not
came out of the bathroom for a long time. He knocks on the door but no answer
from the bassist. Afraid that the bassist might do anything foolish; Kaoru dash
into the bathroom.
“ Toshiya! Are you alr…”
Kaoru blushed. The bassist stares at
the violet head that glare back at him, his naked body.
“ Ah… sor sorry, I… thought you had
faint or something.” Kaoru say and hurried out the bathroom.
Toshiya smile, looking at the
expression of Kaoru. Somehow familiar, he thought. He like the way their leader
blushed as he hardly does. Standing up, the bassist walk in front of the mirror
and looks at his body, the wound was still so clear.
Toshiya walks out of the bathroom
wearing Kaoru’s bathrobe. Kaoru was still in the room waiting for the bassist.
“ Kaoru-sama, sorry to let you worry
about me. I’m much better now.”
“ Please don’t say that.”
Silent remain. Maybe this would be
better for the bassist. Let him rest for a night and talk about thing tomorrow.
**
Kaoru wakes up when he hear the sound
of the horn from the car. It must be quite late now. He knock on the bedroom
door before opening it, the bassist must still been sleeping.
Kaoru open the door, his bed was neatly
fold, no sight of the bassist. The violet head felt his heart race at the
moment, where have the bassist go?
**
The door opens slowly; making no noise.
Toshiya enter the apartment, broken glass, furniture, everything was in a mess.
The red head was sleeping on the floor. What’s happening here?
Toshiya walks quietly to Die and knee
down beside him picking up the photo frame that is been held tightly in the red
head’s hand.
“ What’re you doing here!”
The bassist held his breath for a
second. The red head was now staring at him. Why did he come back? Toshiya did
not know why, he just knows that he must come back here, to make sure of one
thing! Does he love me anymore?
“ Tell me.” The bassist glares at the
red head seriously. “ Do you really means what you have say yesterday?”
Die did not answer.
“ Am I really just a toy to you? Do you
really willing to give me to anyone?”
The red head knows that Toshiya was
determined to know the answer, there goes the last answer, just answer and he
will disappear in front of you.
“ Yes!” Came the cruelest word from
Die, expecting the bassist to cry.
Toshiya remain claim but did not move
at all. “ One last question, have you ever loved me before?”
Die nod.
“ But you don’t now?” The bassist asks
with a shaking voice now.
Another nodded from the red head.
**
“ Toshiya!!” Kaoru exclaim when he saw
the bassist walking out of Die’s apartment. He knows the blue head would come
back to look for Die when Toshiya disappear in his house this morning.
Toshiya smile at their leader, it was
the same old Dir en grey no Toshiya’s smile, a typical smile. “ Good morning,
Kaoru-sama!” The younger man greets.
Kaoru hesitate a while before speaking.
“ You have make up with Die?”
Toshiya shake his head slightly.
“ What going on then?”
“ We’ve break up!!”
**
It was unexpected to Kaoru that the
bassist would be so claim after breaking up with Die. He seems to be even much
happier than before much to the violet head dismay. The bassist could even joke
with the red head when he was moving out from the apartment two days ago.
Over claimed.
*
Toshiya dragged their leader with him
to the pub; he had not been there for quite some time and was really looking
forward to it. In the other hand, the violet head thinks that it will be better
for the bassist to do what he wants now. He was sure that the bassist was still
upset over the matter.
Toshiya was totally uncontrollable when
he gets there. Dressing in sexy outfits, he was soon surrounded by guys who
wants to treats ‘her’ for some drinks. Kaoru glared at them, jealous.
“ Come with me!” The violet head
finally could not bear with it anymore.
“ Kaoru, I just having fun!”
“ Stop all that nonsense.”
“ That’s my problem, let go of me!”
Kaoru did not expect the bassist to
start flirting with others so easily. He hated to see it when other guys touch
Toshiya. “ Stop flirting with them!” Kaoru yell suddenly.
The younger man stop struggling. Kaoru
paused. He should not say that!
Toshiya give out a hysterically laugh
then suddenly, he collapse and blast out crying.
**
Kaoru walks out from his room, the
bassist had finally fallen asleep. What had he done? He supposes to make the
bassist happy but end up letting the bassist cry!
Kaoru does not know what the bassist
had been thinking all this while. He should be sad but he laughs, he should be
crying but he joke. Why is he torturing himself like that?
*
The violet head woke up from his sleep
suddenly, 6 o’clock in the morning. Wondering whether that the younger man had
sleep well, Kaoru went into the room to have a look.
Opening the door quietly, Kaoru tip toe
inside making sure not to wake the younger man up.
“ TOSHIYA??!?!?” The younger man was
nowhere around the room.
Kaoru notice the light in the bathroom,
he walk slowly towards it and push the door gently open.
His heart stopped. The bassist was
lying on the floor; his wrist was still bleeding.
“ To…Toshiya!!”
Kaoru was waiting outside the emergency
room; his mind was completely disorder now. He had not expected the bassist to
commit suicide, especially with the character of the bassist.
“ Kaoru!” The red head called when
walking towards the older man.
Upon seeing the red head, Kaoru stand
up and give the red head a punch across the face. “ I’ll killed you if
something happened to Toshiya.” He exclaim.
Die stand there froze; it must be
something serious that will make their leader to lose his coolness. He only
receive a call from the older man asking him to come to the hospital and the
only thing he know was that something had happened to Toshiya.
Kaoru finally cool down, standing with
a little shaking, he glares at the red head. “ Toshiya had cut his wrist.”
The red head froze.
“ I try to wake him up but he didn’t,
his body was cold.”
Kaoru broke into tears, this is the
first time the red head see their leader cry. Die stretch his arm around
Kaoru’s neck and hug him into his arms. “ It not your fault.” Die whisper.
The world was spinning in Die’s eyes.
What had happened? Isn’t it supposed to be fine now? I finally break up with
Toshiya and he can be Kaoru, the one he had love earlier than me? They love one
another! They should be together!
Totchi…please, don’t let anything
happened to you.
**
The doctor came out from the room,
saying that the bassist would be fine if he rest well. But his mental is in
chaos now and could not take anymore blow.
Kaoru take a peep into the room, the
bassist was sleeping. He closes the door lightly and walks to the other end of
the hallway where the red head was.
Kaoru was puzzle, why is the red head
trembling so much just now? Something came up to his mind, Kaoru finally
realize that something is wrong with the recent reaction of his friend.
“ Tell me, what are you actually up
to?”
“ What are you saying?” Die tried to
ignore the older man.
“ You still love Toshiya, don’t you?”
Die tries to force out a smile but this
time, he can’t. He felt so painful in his heart. Yes, he love Toshiya and not
only that, he wants the bassist to be happy. When he knows that Kaoru was the
one the bassist love earlier on, he felt that he must let them be together
especially when he know Kaoru also love the bassist. They will be happy
together, he thought, at least more happy than he and Toshiya.
Die nodded his head.
“ Then why?” The older man asked.
“ Because he also loves you. The two of
you would already be together if you had told Totchi your feeling earlier.”
Kaoru sulk. “ And you decides to be the
great man!”
…
“ Did you ask Toshiya what he’s
thinking now?” Kaoru paused. “ Have you consider what he might want now?”
Die tremble. What have he done so far?
He had hurt the bassist more than making him happy.
“ Die, Toshiya might have been in love
with me or something but what’s important now is what he feel now.” The older
man continues. “ He might love me before but to what we can see, do you think
he still love me more than you now?”
“ Kaoru…am I wrong?”
“ Let him choose his future himself,
you can’t decides for him. You can throw him to me but his heart will never be
with me if he don’t want.”
The red head finally come to sense.
Their leader was right, he should have asked Toshiya first.
**
Toshiya wakes up from his dream,
sweating. He knows he had been sleeping for quite some time as his head was
hurting him. Where am I? He looks around, their leader was sleeping on the
sofa, ‘ and then whose hand is this?’
Die?? He’s holding my hand, all this
while??
Kaoru woke up, seeing the bassist was
staring loving at the red head he decides to leave the room first. Toshiya
looks up and blush when he saw Kaoru looking at him, he nod to the older man
when he leave the room.
“ Die.” Toshiya call softly.
Feeling the bassist’s hand
move, the red head wake up immediately. He looks anxious at first, then
blushed. The bassist was looking at him.
“ Are you alright now?”
The younger man keeps quiet. “
Toshiya?”
Silent.
“ You’re not feeling well??” Die began
to get anxious again. “ I called the doctor!”
The red head was about to press the
alarm to get the doctor when Toshiya hug him from behind. “ I’m alright.” He
whispered.
Die did not move for the moment. It’s
felt good to have the bassist hugging him again; the warmness of the bassist
was the best. Die turns, having Toshiya completely embrace in his arms now.
“ Totchi, sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt
you.”
“ Die.” Toshiya covered the red head’s
mouth. “ Please don’t say any more.”
“ But Totchi… I.”
“ I don’t wants to know anything now,
as long as I knows you still loves me.”
Die did not expect Toshiya to say this;
he had expected the bassist to give him a slap or something else. What has he
done all this while? Hurting the one I love and he still forgives you? You’re
just too good, Totchi!
“ Aishiteru, Totchi.” Die whisper and
hug the bassist firmly not willing to let go anymore.
“ I love you too.”
Kaoru peeped inside the room and smile
closing it softly. The lovers were kissing. He felt happy for them but somehow,
depressing. He lost him again.
**
“ DIE, what have you done to my
favorite vase!?” Toshiya yelled at his lover when he returned to their
apartment.
The red head give his lover a silly
smirk, looking around his apartment was all the broken glasses he had create
earlier on.
Toshiya pouted. “ I’m staying at
Kaoru-sama place until you have this all clear up!”
Die sulked.
Kaoru sneered.
No one can decline the bassist, in the
other word; no one had successfully decline the bassist.
Toshiya picked up his bag and pull
their leader out of the apartment swaying his hips a little. Die laugh, his
lover had return to his usual self now.
“ Call me when you finish, honey!” The
bassist says and blows his lover a kiss.
Kaoru sweatdrop. That quiet Toshiya
might be better; he thought.
Side story ~ The misunderstanding
The bishounen of our band, god must
have sent him to me! Toshimasa Hara, pure and innocent, likes my angel.
Kaoru Niikura, leader of our band. Stern
and serious, jokes will never come out from his mouth.
~ the very first impression ~
//*
Kaoru stole a glance at their new
bassist, nervous is all he can describe the young man. Although skillful with
his instrument, there is still not much confident in him.
Toshiya will regularly look up at their
leader, to get acknowledge from him for his bass part.
To the bassist, their leader was always
so serious in everything. Work to personal problem, Toshiya found it hard to
communicate with Kaoru. Omit Kaoru; he can now get along well with the other
members of the band.
/Why is him always so serious? Am I
really that bad in my playing?
/Why is him so afraid of me? I always
wanted to chat with him like he had does with Die.
**
Toshiya looks up again. This time, he
directly meets his eyes into Kaoru’s. He knows that the leader was angry with
him. Their practice had been stopping due to his ‘lack of knowledge’ for his
bass part.
“ Toshiya, can you PLEASE concentrate
on the practice.”
“ … I’m sorry. I will.”
Their practices finally finish after
delaying for another few hours. The bassist feels bad for making the others to
stay all because of him. Instead of blaming him, the other members still
encourage him, only their leader stares at him angrily.
/I’m just too stupid. Maybe I’m not
suitable to stay in this band./
Toshiya was completely discouraged by
now. Although Die often helps him but he just could not get what their leader
actually want.
/STUPID TOSHIYA./
Toshiya opens the door of the studio;
he had come back again after everyone had left. At least, he must have a
perfect playing for this bass part where Kaoru had been asking him to repeat.
One tries, second tries… on and on but
still there is mistake. Being too tired, the bassist finally falls onto his
knee. ‘ May I should leave the band.’
“ Giving up already?”
Toshiya froze. How long have he been
here? “ Kaoru??”
They stares at one another.
The bassist lowers his headfirst. “
Kaoru, maybe I should leave the band.”
“ Why?”
“ I’m just too stupid. I can’t even
play well for this single part.”
“ Play it again now!” The violet head
say suddenly. “ Close your eyes and put in all your confident.”
Toshiya dare not reject their leader.
He follows the violet head instruction and plays the part that he could play
well all this while. He felt relax at the moment, this could be the last time
he would play in front of the violet head; he thought.
Much to his surprise, he had played it
perfectly. Toshiya looks up to get their leader acknowledge. The older man was
smiling at the bassist.
/Kaoru smiling? At me?/
“ See, you can play well.” The violet
head added. “ What you need is confident.”
“ Kaoru-sama.”
“ Don’t say you’re leaving the band
again, okay!”
“ Yes.” Toshiya answer loudly as all
his confident was being regain.
“ Also, I believe in myself for
choosing you as the bassist of our band.”
//* (this part below happen 1 year
later.)
“ Die, see this! Isn’t it beautiful?”
The bassist says showing the red head a beautifully made wind-chime.
“ For me? Oh I’m so glad.” The red head
say with puppy eyes knowing for sure that the thing was defiantly not for him.
“ NO!”
“ For who?”
“ For the person I liked.” The bassist
answered.
//*
Toshiya admire his present while
walking towards the practices room. Kaoru will like this. The bassist opens the
door, no one was inside as he expected, only their leader.
“ Ohayo Kaoru-sama!”
“ Ohayo!” The older man greets back. “
You’re earlier today.”
Toshiya take out his courage and
approach their leader. “ This is for you!”
“ What this?” Kaoru asks while taking
the present.
“ Open it and see for yourself.” The
blue head say excitedly.
Kaoru opens the present and took out
the wind-chime. “ It’s beautiful. Thanks Toshiya.”
The bassist look at the reaction of
their leader, just like that; he thought?
Kaoru was struggling to keep his
happiness from the bassist. He does not want the younger man to thinks that
he’s so kind of pervert that can become so happy just to receive a gift.
“ You’re so kind to give this present.”
Kaoru say trying to remain claim. “ Such good friend you are.”
The violet head wishes so much that he
can tell the bassist he like the gift. Also this will be a good chance to
express his feeling to the bassist, but he was afraid if he says it, Toshiya
would be scared of him.
/Maybe he just treats me as a big
brother. Not everyone like you would fall for the same sex./
Toshiya pouted. What’s their leader was
thinking?
//*
“ Toshiya, what happen?” Die asks
worried seeing his friend crying.
“ He would never like me. I don’t worth
him.”
“ Who?”
“ He says I’m his friend.”
“ The person you like?”
(refer to part3 for more
detail)
//*
author note : This is what happen for
the misunderstood between Kaoru and Toshiya. If Kaoru had say out his feeling
at that time, Totchi would be his!! ><
end of side story…
**
continue from the end of part 7
~
“ Totchi, I’ve finish clearing up the
house but why are you still staying here?” The red head pouted.
“ But here is nearer to the studio, I
don’t have to wake up so early then.”
“ Toshiya??” Kaoru froze.
“ Ahh… let go of me you pervert.” The
bassist exclaims when his lover drags him out of the house.
“ See ya!” Die says to the violet head
while closing the door.
Kaoru sweatdrop!!!!
~ Owari ~
** Thanks to all who have read
this fics!! @@