Look at me
By Tsmrhara
Part 1
Again, he could not control himself
from that abrupt anger. Every time it happen whenever he saw Die and Toshiya
flirting. He wanted to tell the bassist how much he loves him but everything
was too late since yesterday when he gets to know that his best friend and the
love of his life are lover. Kaoru curse himself, for his slow act. He would
have been with the bassist if he had tell Toshiya earlier but now, he will lose
either of them if he were to say out his feeling.
‘NEVER!’ he thought.
**
Look at me…
Die pout. His lover
had been ignoring him the whole day. “ You’re so cruel. We just start living
together and you start treating me like that.” Die pretended to weep.
Toshiya stops his unpacking walking toward
Die. Knowing that his ploy has work, Die sits up from the bed and was about to
hug his lover when a finger point accusingly at him. “ Stop showing me those
puppy eyes of yours! And why don’t you help me to pack this stuff instead of
sitting there grumbling.”
“ You’re cruel!!” The red head stand up
from the bed still pretended to weep. “ Well, I think I should do it by force
now.”
Die carries Toshiya up unexpectedly.
“Ah?” Toshiya shriek when he is being thrown onto the bed. Die threw himself
onto his lover to prevent him from moving before placing kissing on Toshiya’s
lip and neck.
“ You’re desperate idiot!!” Toshiya
clutch Die’s face up, stopping him. Seeing the disappointment in his lover’s
eyes, the bassist’s heart softens and let go of his hand.
Die grin without his lover notice.
Slowly, the red head place kisses lightly on his lover, running his finger
through Toshiya soft hair as he plunged his tongue into his lover mouth
exploring every part of it. Toshiya moan as Die run his finger down his body to
the most sensitive part. The red head move his kisses down his lover beautiful
body and stop at the already erected nipple. Sucking on it leisurely, he place
his hand on his lover’s erection and move gradually, enjoying the moan given
out.
“ Ah… please, Die… I want it now!”
Toshiya clutch his long finger onto Die’s hair and pull him up.
Bringing his face toward his lover, Die
give the bassist a hard kiss and raised his lover legs to put them around his
waist. Slowly inserting his erected manhood into Toshiya to avoid hurting him.
Making sure that Toshiya is ready; Die began to move slowly and then faster and
faster.
“ Ah… DIE!” Tears drop down from the
bassist’s eyes, knowing that they were about to come.
“ I love you!” Die gives the last
thrust before his seed explode inside Toshiya follow by his lover. Die lay down
beside his lover and embrace him closely before they both fall asleep.
**
Kaoru sat alone in the pub waiting for
Die. It had been a long time since he last came with him. They would always
come here for some beer after their practice and Kaoru would always grumble
about his feeling for the one he love and how much he love that person after he
get a bit drunk. Die would always listen to him and comfort him. But Die never
knows who that person really is. ‘ If Die had known who he is then…’ Kaoru
thought. ‘No, I can’t be that selfish!’
“ Heh, here you are!” Kaoru turns
around and saw Die smiling at him. Another familiar figure was standing behind
Die, a blue hair bishounen.
Toshiya!
“ Hello, Kaoru-sama!” Toshiya say
cheerfully. “ Mind I join in?”
“ … No.” Kaoru felt so happy to see the
bassist but why another side of him was… jealous?
“ Neh, I told him not to follow.” Die
broke the sudden silent. “ So that I can fool around with the beautiful lady
here.”
“ You’re welcome to do so and so do I!”
Toshiya grinned and take off his jacket; showing off his beautiful body, which
is only wrap up in his tight-fit T-shirt. With the black leather pant, the
bassist was extremely sexy. “ So how’s it?”
“ You win!” Die put the jacket over his
lover again and stares at the other guy who is looking at his lover; telling
them with his glare that Toshiya is his!
*
Please don’t show me how loving both of
you are!
Kaoru have another slip of beer, it was
tasteless now. He had to try so hard to hide his hurt expression from the two
of them. He never wants to let any of them know his feeling but how much longer
can he hide it?
Toshiya was already drunk by now and
was lying on the table resting. Die finally felt rested; putting a jacket on
his lover to prevent him from getting cold before sitting beside his friend.
“ So what is it?” Die says when he sits
down. He had notice Kaoru wired behaved. “ About your love? Can tell me who
this person is?”
“ NO!” Kaoru sweatdrop, realizing how
loud he had answer. “ Sorry. I mean not now.”
“ It’s okay. Tell me when you feel so.
Remember I’m always your friend.”
*
Friend!? That’s why I had to give in
because I’m slow!? My love!
“ Die, … that person… the one I love…
he will never be with me anymore.”
Die can feel the pain in Kaoru and
decide to remain silent, knowing that it the best way to comfort his friend. “
Thank you for telling me.”
Kaoru give a sad smile to Die. Yes,
you’re always my friend and I will keep this in my heart forever or as long as
I can. I don’t want to lose any of you. My best friend and love… and goodbye to
that me!
*
Toshiya finally sit up after resting
for so long, looking for Die. He try to stand up but could not stand still.
Kaoru saw it and catch hold of the bassist before he fall down while the
younger man clutch himself tightly on Kaoru.
“ Die?”
Kaoru hold the
bassist up to his feet and brush away the fringes that cover the beautiful
bassist’s face. Looking at the man he loves, he felt his heart ache. He will
never be his. Out of sudden a thought flash through his mind. He holds the
bassist’s chin up lightly and place a kiss on it, lightly, sweetly. The first
and also the last one. A kiss that will remain in his heart forever.
“ I love you.”
Toshiya suddenly
push Kaoru away and look directly at his eyes. Kaoru felt his heart stop at
that moment. Does the bassist know his feeling? Does the bassist hear what he
says? It can’t be he’s drunk?
“ Die… I want to go
home!” Toshiya utter.
Kaoru relaxed. He knows Toshiya did not
hear anything. “ Die had goes to the toilet.”
“ Kaoru?”
Kaoru tensed. He
turns around and saw Die standing there. “ Is Toshiya the one you love?”
Die.
Part 2
Is Toshiya the one you love?
Silent remain. Looking into one another
eyes, Kaoru felt like killing himself right in front of Die. He had try so hard
to keep his feeling but what he had done so far had turn into ash just within
second. He wants to say something but what can he say now? Sorry? Or can you
give me Toshiya? I’m just joking?
**
Die put his drunken lover carefully
onto the bed and covers him with a blanket, making sure that he will not catch
a cold. Staring at the sleeping bassist, Die could not held his smile, a
sleeping angel he thought. He bend down and place a kiss on his lover forehead
before walking out of the room. ‘What will happen to me if I were to lose you?’
The red head take a slip of beer before
lighting up another cigarette. All that was in his mind now was that his best
friend was in love with his lover.
What should he do now? He know that
Kaoru had fall in love with Toshiya earlier than him, he can understand how
much their leader love Toshiya. If only that Kaoru had told him earlier, he
would have keep his distance away from Toshiya but… will he really do it if he
were to know earlier?
**
Toshiya stretch his arm, the morning
light was too bright for him and he covers his head with a pillow before he
realizes that his lover was not beside him. Where has he gone early in the
morning?
“ Die?” Toshiya called out. He walks
out of the room and saw his lover sleeping on the sofa with the television
still on and on the ground was some beer can.
Toshiya wonder why his lover was
sleeping on the sofa. He walks to Die and pinch his nose without letting go. “
What the hell…?” Die open his eyes all of sudden.
The red head look at his lover who was
now laughing crazily. He wanted to scold him at first but decides to give up.
Without any warning, Die pull his lover into his arm and hug him tightly before
placing kisses all over him.
“ Die?” Toshiya was surprise with his
lover action but had give in to him. He could feel that his lover was acting
weirdly. What is going on?
**
Kaoru looks up when Die and Toshiya
enter the room. Anxious, he did not wish anything would happen. He felt a bit
rested when Die smile and greet him as usual. Nothing seem to have happen
before, the bassist hanging around his lover, the red head making fun of their
drummer and discussing of their latest album with him.
*
Die meet Kaoru at the same pub after
their practice, he knows that he had to solve the problem before thing get
worse.
Kaoru felt himself tense up a bit when
Die sit down beside him. He takes a glare at his friend and was surprise that
the red head was smiling at him.
“ Let me finish what I want to said
first.” Die said suddenly and Kaoru nod. “ I’ll never give up Toshiya even if I
were to know it earlier!”
**
Kaoru stop his car at the roadside. He
felt relaxed now. He was so afraid that Die would tell him that he would let
Toshiya choose between them. He never wants the bassist to know about it, it
will be his secret forever now.
Loneliness…
*
Die open his apartment door, the
television set was still on but his lover was already fast asleep on the sofa.
Die sits down beside the bassist and strokes his lover soft hair.
“ Mm… Die, you’re back.”
Toshiya sit up slightly and lays his
head on the red head shoulder. Die hugs his waist and hold Toshiya closer to
him. “ Sorry to wake you up.” Die said softly and place a kiss on his lover
forehead.
“ Never mind, I’ve been waiting for you
anyway.”
Die turns the bassist around to face
him. Slowly, he place kisses on the soft skin, from the chin, lip to the neck
and lower down. All this belong to him he thought. Die lick on Toshiya’s lips
and slowly unbutton his shirt.
Toshiya moaned as Die stroke his
erected manhood slowly before lowering down his head and put it in his mouth. “
Ah… Die…” The bassist let up a cry when he finally release in his lover’s
mouth.
Toshiya lay still on the sofa with Die
on top of him. “ You’re heavy, get… ah…” The bassist cries out again when he
felt fingers entering his ‘hole’.
The red head insert into Toshiya slowly
not wanting to hurt him and starts to move when he know Toshiya was ready. Both
of them move at the same speed and moan when they come before both collapse
onto the bed.
Toshiya move closer to his lover and
rest his head on Die’s shoulder before falling asleep. Die held him on the
waist and whisper to him.
I Love You…
**
“ Kaoru-sama, are you alright?” The
bassist asked when they walk out from the room noticing that their leader was
daydreaming all the way throughout the whole meeting.
“ Neh… I’m alright.” Kaoru reply lazily trying his best to avoid
having eyes contact with the bassist. “ Anyway have you…”
“ Totchi!”
“ Hmm Die!!” The bassist happily run to
his lover before Kaoru could finish his sentences.
Kaoru felt like jumping off the
building right away. He felt his heart clutching up, he was jealous. ‘ NO! What
am I thinking now?’
“ Mmm… Kaoru-sama, what are you trying
to tell me just now?”
“ Nothing, just to ask you and Die out
for a drink.” Kaoru was trying to make up an excuse to cover up his feeling.
“ Oh yes sure!” Toshiya exclaim happily
and turn to his lover. “ Right Die?”
Great! Me and my great idea. Kaoru
thought when they get into the car. ‘ And now I have to see how loving they
are.’
**
“ Totchi, you wait here while I carry
Kaoru upstairs.” The red head said while pulling the drunk Kaoru out of the
car. “ Kaoru, stand properly.”
It had been a long time since Die had
come to Kaoru’s apartment. Since he had been with Toshiya, he thought and
notices that he had been ignoring his best friend. Feeling bad, he carefully
place the drunk leader on the bed and take a towel out from the bathroom to
place on Kaoru’s head.
Half an hour passed before Kaoru
finally fallen asleep. Die change the towel again before leaving. He open the
bedroom door lightly to avoid waking up Kaoru but suddenly, something hanging
at the door drop onto the floor creating a loud noise.
“ Shit!” Die exclaims before covering
his mouth and turn around to look at his friend who was still sleeping.
Picking up the ‘thing’, Die walk out of
the room and place it on the table. He turns around to make sure that the
switch is off before walking to the door. Just then, something flash across his
head, he turns around and take a good look at that ‘thing’ he had place on the
table.
[Few years ago]
“ Toshiya, who are you buying this
thing for?”
“ … For the person I like.”
Part 3
[Few years ago]
Toshiya had just become the bassist for
Dir en grey. Begin the only new member, he was too anxious for everything. Very
often, he will make mistake and many time he had think of leaving the band. He
was not very close to any of the band members especially their leader whom he
was really afraid of from the very first impression.
A serious person he thought, one who
always takes thing seriously and never jokes when comes to work. But the
impression had change when Kaoru appear in front of Toshiya one day to comfort the
depress bassist.
*
Shortly after that, Dir en grey
produces their first single. The young bassist had then become quite close to
their leader. He will always stay close to their leader and respect him a lot.
During their first video shot, Die and
Toshiya sneak out during their free time to stroll around the place where the
bassist saw a beautiful decoration piece.
“ What are you looking at?”
“ This! Isn’t it beautiful?” Toshiya
show it to his band mate. “ Isn’t it a prefect gift.”
“ Whom are you buying this thing for?”
“ … For the person I like.”
**
All this flashback came across Die. ‘So
Kaoru’s the one…’ Die felt that he might explode anytime now. How could this
thing happen to him? ‘Kaoru and Toshiya, they’re actually in love with one another
but how come…?”
Die walks to his car and saw his lover
sleeping soundly. He gets into the car and drove back to their apartment
without waking the sleeping bassist up. Jealousy fills his heart now. The red
head felt like he had become the third party all of the sudden.
Knowing that his best friend and lover
had love each other first, knowing that his lover had cried in his arm for his
best friend once, knowing that his best friend had become more and more depress
because of the bassist. All this was tearing Die into pieces.
‘What should I do know?’
I’m the third party…
**
“ Toshiya, what happen to you?” Die
asks worrying when he saw the young bassist crying alone in his hotel room.
“ He will never love me, I don’t worth
him.”
“ Who?” Die asks while pulling the
bassist up from the floor.
“ …” Toshiya was still weeping. “ He
said I always be his best friend!”
“ The person that you like?” Die asks
while the bassist just nod his head slightly. “ Who’s he?”
----
Die never gets to know the answer that
day. He had regret it now for not asking more about that person just because he
does not want to see the bassist cried even more when he ask about it. ‘But why
did Kaoru say that?’
His lover cuddles up to him, which
stops all his thoughts. Die had not sleep, he had been thinking throughout the
whole night.
“ Mmm…” Toshiya stretch slightly. “
…Good morning. You have wake up so early.”
“ You awake, how’s you feeling?” The
red head ask. “ Does your head hurt?”
The young bassist shakes his head and
hugs his lover more tightly. How caring he is, Toshiya thought. How lucky he is
to have such a lover.
**
“ Kaoru-sama!” The bassist exclaim
happily when he saw their leader walking in front of them to the studio. “
OHAYO!”
Kaoru turns around and saw the smiling
bassist and his lover. Smiling, he greets them back.
Die felt himself began to feel uneasy
standing with the two of them. He will start to imagine thing and felt jealous
when his lover smiles at Kaoru. He knows that the main cause for this problem
was ---
I don’t want to lose you, Totchi.
You’ll always be mine!
**
Please don’t leave me, cause I
have a strong passion for you!!
Die sits up from the bed. His lover was
reading beside him. The red head take the book away suddenly and pull Toshiya
nearer to him for a kiss.
“ Not today, Die.” Toshiya said while
pushing his lover away. “ We’ve just did it yesterday.”
“ Please Totchi, I want it.” Die insist
and starts pulling Toshiya shirt down.
“ I said no.” Toshiya said but Die just
ignore him. “ Let go of me!”
“ I want it!”
“ NO!” Toshiya exclaim and push Die
away roughly.
All of a sudden, Toshiya felt a sharp
pain across his face. His heart stop for a moment, he could not believe it. Die
had slapped him! Tears began to roll down from his cheek. “ Die?”
“ Shut up, you’re mine and I’ll do
whether I want!”
Toshiya continue weeping while the red
head roughly ripped off his lover clothes. Feeling scare, the bassist lay on
the bed motionlessly and let his lover do whatever he want.
“ You’re mine.” Die whisper at his
lover’s ears before thrusting into him without any warning. “ Remember it!”
“ AH…Die… pain…” Toshiya exclaim due to
the shearing pain but was ignore. “ Let go of me, please!”
Knowing that his pleading was not
working, Toshiya bear with the pain until his lover had done with it. Feeling
tried, he fall asleep with tears still dripping down from his eyes.
Die sits up and takes a look at the
bassist, the tears on the bassist’s eyes and the blood on the bed. Die felt his
heart begin tear into pieces. He had hurt the bassist so much now, the man that
is more important than his own life. ‘I’m sorry…’
**
The morning light shine through the
window and directly hit the sleeping bassist. Toshiya open his eyes and stretch
his body a little. He thought he was having nightmare but he could feel the
pain on his body. ‘ It was real! Why, Die?’
The red head was nowhere to be seemed
in the apartment. Toshiya walk with a little limp around the apartment and saw
a note on the table.
Pls: Finish the breakfast on the table
before coming to practice. Practice starts at noon!
**++**
Toshiya look at his reflection in the
mirror, love bites all over his body, the healing scar on his back and all this
is being done to him by the man he love.
A month had passed since the day Die
first slaps Toshiya. The red head had been forcing Toshiya to make love with
him almost everyday and will hit the bassist if he rebel him. Feeling scare,
Toshiya let his lover do whatever he wants although it hurt him a lot.
*
The bassist cuddles his long leg and
sits on the sofa weeping softly not wanting to wake the red head up. His body
was hurting him like hell but his lover just wouldn’t care and keep on
thrusting into him until he was done.
‘ Die, don’t you love me anymore? You
said you would cherish me but why you doing this to me now?’ Toshiya still
could not believe the fact that his lover had change. ‘ Please come back to me! The caring and loving man I love!’
Please, I love you Die!
**
“ Aishiteru, Totchi!” Die hugs his
lover and gives him a kiss on the forehead. “ Will you marry me?”
“ Yes, I will. I know you didn’t change
at all, you just joking with me!” Toshiya starts to weep and hug Die more
tightly. “ Aishiteru Die Aishiteru!”
The two lover lips meet and kiss
lovingly. Suddenly, Die push Toshiya away and stare at him with an accusingly
look.
“ You slut! Stay away from me!” Die
shouted at Toshiya and walk away.
“ DIE???” …………
Toshiya open his eyes, tears was
dripping down his cheek. He was dreaming. It was morning and the bassist had
fallen asleep on the sofa yesterday. Standing up, he walks to the bedroom but
the red head was not there. ‘ He had gone to practice alone again.’
**
Toshiya walk to the studio slowly, his
body was hurting him and he was having fever now. How he wish Die was there
with him so that he can rest his body on Die but… the bassist sigh.
“ Toshiya!”
“ Die?” Toshiya turns around only to
see Kaoru. It was the first time he felt so disappointed to see their leader
and felt sorry for him. “ Kaoru-sama.”
“ Am I a disappointment to you? You
seem so disappointed to see me.” Kaoru said jokingly.
“ Kaoru-sama, please don’t said that.”
Toshiya felt so regretful now and wish to do any thing to repay him back. “ I
…”
Without any warning, Toshiya faint and
fall directly onto Kaoru who manage to get hold of him in time.
“ TOSHIYA???”
Toshiya opens his eyes, he felt the
wall spinning due to his fever but he was sure that he was at home now. He
remembers he had faint while talking to Kaoru and now he’s at home ‘ That mean
Die had sent me home!’
Although his body feels weak, a sudden
happiness rose within his heart. ‘ I can use this chances to made up with Die.
He will always give in to me whenever I’m sick.’ Thinking of this, a smile
appears on Toshiya’s face.
“ Toshiya, you awake.”
“ Die!” Toshiya’s smile broke down when
he saw the one standing at the door was their leader instead of his lover.
“ Kaoru-sama.” Toshiya try to put on a
smile. “ You have sent me back?”
“ Yes.”
“ Ano… where is Die?”
Silent remain. The purple head look at
the disappointment at the bassist’s face and his heartache.
“ Toshiya.” Kaoru speak suddenly. “ Did
you and Die quarrel?”
The bassist remains silent but the
answer had form at Toshiya’s eyes. Sadness rose within his heart and he could
not held it anymore. Without warning, the bassist busts out crying in front of
Kaoru.
Kaoru held Toshiya in his arm and
console him. Every single tear that had drop from the bassist eyes was just
his, Kaoru did not said anything.
**
Toshiya holds back his tears and takes
a deep breath before he starts to tell Kaoru what is happening between him and
Die. On hearing it, Kaoru know that he may be the main cause of their quarrel.
Kaoru tries to put up good words for
Die and have a long chat with Toshiya. It was the first time they chat like
that Kaoru thought. Maybe we can be good pal, not necessary to be lover.
The bassist felt himself feeling better
after talking with Kaoru. ‘ Maybe what Kaoru said might be right, Die was just
in a bad mood recently.’
“ Thank you Kaoru-sama!” Toshiya said with a smile when he finally
think through.
**
The bassist had fall asleep after their
leader left but was awake by the sound of the thunder. Rubbing his eyes, he
takes a look at the clock, it was already past midnight but his lover had not
returned.
Toshiya make a cup of coffee and wait
for Die on the sofa. Hour by hour had passed, it was five o’clock in the
morning when the door finally open. The bassist immediately walks to his lover
and hug him tightly.
“ What the hell?” Die exclaim, as he
was being scare by the sudden ‘attack’. He did not expect Toshiya to be waiting
for him at this moment, as his lover never did.
“
I thought… you would not come back.”
“ So you wish I don’t come…” Die stops.
“ Toshiya?”
The red head was surprise; his heart
race at the moment, his lover’s eye was red. Toshiya had been crying?
Toshiya hug his lover tighter. “ Die,
please forgive me if I had done anything wrong. Please don’t treat me like
that.”
“ Toshiya…” Die’s heart softens. “ Tell
me what happen to you. Why are you crying?”
“ You have been cold toward me recently.”
Toshiya weep. “ You don’t love me anymore?”
Die finally holds the bassist closer to
him. He did not expect his lover to said this entire thing but he did. Die felt
happy to know that he mean so much to Toshiya and Toshiya do love him.
“ Shh… stop crying.” Die pats his
lover’s head softly. “ You did not do anything wrong.”
Toshiya now believe that what Kaoru had
said that Die is only in a bad mood might be right. “ You must be in bad mood
recently right, like what Kaoru had said?”
“ Kaoru?”
“ Yes, Kaoru told me you’re not happy.”
“ He had been here?”
“ Yes, he had sent me back…”
Die pushes Toshiya away slightly. The
bassist looks at his lover, fear suddenly grown in his heart. The expression on
Die’s face had change, not the same Die that had console the bassist earlier
on. ‘What happened?’ the bassist thought.
The red head suddenly grab Toshiya’s
hand and drag him into the room where he violently pushes the bassist onto the
bed.
“ GET YOUR CLOTHES OFF NOW!!”
“ Die????” Toshiya was totally
unprepared for the sudden change of attitude from his lover and do what was
told to him.
“ I’ll let you know who you belonged to
now!”
**
Kaoru sighed. He could not fall asleep
and had been lying on the bed for quite some time. What is happening to Die?
Why is he treating Toshiya like this? Finally he give up and get up from his
bed.
Switching on the television, he light
up a cigarette and sit on the sofa. The program at this time was boring, he
thought.
[DING DONG]
“ Toshiya?” Kaoru open the door and saw
the sobbing bassist. “ What happen to you?”
“ …Kaoru.”
TBC~