Desperate being…

Part five

 

 

Shinya sits near the window watching the vehicles downstairs coming in and out of the car park but there is still no sight of his bandmates until now. He is the first one to reach the studio but it was an hour ago. He has been guessing the situation from yesterday night but no matter how hard he thinks he still could not get a conclusion.

 

How will thing become now?

 

Just then something caught the drummer eyes. Die’s car is driving into the cark park and parked, follow by four figures coming down of the car. It was an unexpected scene for the drummer to see Kaoru, Die and Toshiya coming together today especially after what had happened yesterday.

 

“ Good morn…ing…” Kyo greeted dragging his last word.

 

“ Morning Kyo-san!” Shinya reply but his eyes was on the other three men who have entered behind the vocalist.

 

“ Morning!” Kaoru greet as usual and was return by the drummer.

 

Shinya steal a glance at Toshiya and Die, both man was quiet. Just as his sight was turning away from the bassist, their eyes met. The drummer thought he had seemed all sort of expression from the bassist eyes within second, sadness, doubt, nervous and anger. They looked away.

 

The band practice starts with Shinya drumbeat, everything seem to flows normally but all of them even their vocalist had notice the tension in their music. They know someone must stop it but no one did so. Kyo anger starts to boil. This is not the band they intend it to be. This is not the music that should come out from them.

 

How thing will change between Kaoru and Die? Will Toshiya ever talk to and treat me the same as before… after what I had done. Shinya grips onto his drumstick tighter and tighter and buried himself behind his drum not willing to look up. I doubt he will.

 

I thought thing will get better today but the moment I see Die my anger raised again. I was not sure whether it sadness or anger but I am sure I felt betrayed, from my lover. I could forgive Toshiya but somewhere in my heart I cannot bring myself to forgive Die and maybe I feel history was repeating again, maybe I might become a second Kisaki, maybe.    

 

Kaoru was angry very angry. I know from the way he stared at me. Of course he is angry but I didn’t expect he would forgive Toshiya immediately but would not even willing to hear a word from me.

 

Out of the sudden there was no bass line in the studio, Toshiya had stop playing his bass also ending his bandmates action. Kaoru wasn’t himself today, Die wasn’t himself today too and I’m the one who cause all this tension between them. My motive had success but I feel so terrible because out of the sudden I feel like I have lost everything.

 

Toshiya lower his bass onto the floor. I have lost Kaoru trust. Although he say he had forgive me… no… no… no he is lying I know he won’t forgive me. I don’t want to lose his trust… I don’t want…

 

This thinking was struggling inside the bassist head. He did not notice his fellow bandmates was staring at him looking worried. He could not see anything now he was perplexed. It was Shinya’s fault yes it was totally his fault! He was the one who suggest everything so it was his fault! His fault! Toshiya did not hear his bandmates calling. No! No… I can’t blame Shinya, it not his fault. I already guessed what it would become but I still did.

 

“ Toshiya?” Kaoru was holding onto the bassist this time when he called out. “ What’s wrong?”

 

No it was my fault! I betray Kaoru trust. I cause trouble for Die who always treating me nice. I lose Shinya friendship because I foolishly accept what he asks me to do. I might lose a friend like Kyo because he would be very angry with me for causing so much trouble for the band. I might lose the right to stay in the band because I nearly destroy it or might have already caused a break line inside the band.

 

“… Sorry… I’m didn’t mean it… sorry…” A mumble escape forms the bassist mouth.

 

“ Toshiya what are you saying this for?” Kaoru hears the young man word clearly although the bassist was saying so softly but the others have heard it too. “ What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Do you hear me?”

 

“ Toshiya are you alright?” Die asked concerned.

 

Crying? Who was crying? Did I?

 

“ TOSHIYA?” The exclaiming of his name was the last thing Toshiya heard when he fell into the arms of Die who just walk toward him.     

 

 

 

Shinya fell onto the floor beside his drum set the moment the other left the studio sending the faint Toshiya home. He thought his heart nearly stop beating when the bassist fell into Die arms. The reaction from Toshiya was so weird just now, tears starts dripping from the bassist out of the sudden and he seems not to hear anyone voice at that moment. It was like concealing himself in his own world, it was so frightening.

 

What have I done, tell me Kisaki? I want to destroy their relationship but in the end I make used of Toshiya love toward Kaoru and now that I have hurt him badly that I start to feel regret, was it too late to realize my mistake?

 

Shinya clutch onto his pant tightly.  I keep telling myself not to feel regret as long as I can break them up. I keep telling myself not to feel regret even I will lose a friend like Toshiya but my wall of determined falls the moment I saw him collapse in Die arms.

 

Sorry Toshiya, I’m sorry… Tears drip from Shinya face.

 

 

 

Kaoru enter Toshiya bedroom with a wet towel and pass it to Die who place it onto the sleeping man head. “ Has the fever gone down?” Kaoru asked placing his hand softly on Toshiya forehead to feel the temperature.

 

“ A little.” Die nodded looking a bit uneasy as both of them know what had cause Toshiya fever. Die thought the medicine cream he had apply for Toshiya will heal his swollen part and prevent infection but indeed the bassist was down with fever now. “ Kaoru…” Die wanted to say something but hesitated.

 

What can I say now? The fact of me betraying my lover is now lying on the bed with fever.

 

Kaoru turned away putting his focus on the bassist not wanting to face Die as he speak out. “ I think I need some time to think of the through.” He pulls the blanket higher to cover the sleeping man.

 

“ …But…”

 

“ Please Die don’t force me, don’t let me make my decision now.” Kaoru brush Die hand away as the man tries to turn him around to face him. “ You know what you have done not only hurt me but also him.” Kaoru looked at Toshiya as he says.

 

Kyo enter the room breaking the tension between the lovers. “ It’s late, you guy better go home now and I will look after Toshiya.” It was quite seldom that the vocalist willing to offer help to other, it not because he is not compassionate or what, he is just too lazy but the situation is quite different today and Kyo have feels it. Something is very wrong with the whole band and between the lovers.

 

 

It the third time Kyo enter Toshiya room after Kaoru and Die left three hours ago. He came in to the change the wet towel on the bassist head and make sure the blanket was cover properly on the man. He feels the man head and notice the fever had finally gone down.

 

“ Kyo?” Toshiya asked in a fragile voice, his throat was so dry when he tries to speak up. From the frail street light shinning into his room he just know someone was standing beside his bed touching his head.

 

Kyo switch on the table light beside the bed. “ You feeling better now?” He asked while helping Toshiya to sit up of the bed.

 

Toshiya nodded. He tries to recall why he was lying on his bed now but all he could remember was the band was practicing in the studio and someone mentions that he was crying and everything seem blank after that. He could not remember why he was crying or should say that was he really crying? But why was he crying? “ What happened?” He decides to ask Kyo instead of thinking as his head start to hurt.

 

“ You faint in the studio.” Kyo pass a glass of water to the bassist. “ You are down with fever, our practice had been cancel too.”

 

Toshiya take a sip of water and place the glass on the table. “ Fever…” He muttered to himself.

 

“ What?” Kyo thought he heard something from Toshiya.

 

“ Hmm… nothing.”

 

“ Why don’t you get some more sleep now?”

 

Toshiya shake his head. “ I can’t sleep anymore, I think maybe I have sleep too long. It quite late now you must be very tired, why don’t you go get some rests since I am ok now.” Toshiya let out a smile. “ Kyo, thank you for taking care of me.” He added.

 

Kyo was unused to someone expressing thanks to him. “ Well ok then, good night and don’t stay up too late.” Kyo left the room scratching his head giving an awkward smile.

 

Toshiya get up of his bed and walk to the window, staring outside letting the wind blow onto his face as memories start flowing back into his blank mind. Why am I so determined about Kaoru? He muttered to himself.            

 

 

 

Die enters the pub he always visits, it still early and there were not many customers. It has been two day since Kaoru cancels the band practices and refuse to see him after that. Kaoru has go back to his parent’s house. Die was feeling uneasy facing the whole apartment alone without Kaoru whom had stay with him since they become lover but he was doubly trouble by the fact that he had held Toshiya that night.

 

Maybe to other it was just as easy as Die being a flirt all the while so it was nothing special for him to held a drunk Toshiya who had thrown himself to Die. But was it really like that… Die know himself too well, he will never held someone if he do not have any feeling for that person.

 

Die was having his second glass of beer when someone sits down beside him at the bar counter. He did not look at that person but he know it the person who ask him out. But since when did I start having something for Toshiya? Why didn’t I realize it until now?

 

“ What so trouble?” The person asked with an impish tone and turn to the bartender to order his drink without waiting for Die answer. “ A beer please.” He twinkle his eye at the bartender making the man blush.

 

Die was still keeping quiet when the bartender place a glass of beer in from of the man who ‘seem’ continually seducing the bartender causing the other man nearly dropping his whole tray of glasses. “ Well a cute guy huh… ha…ha…” The man finally sits still looking back at Die when the bartender shyly walks to the other end trying very hard to act that he was doing his work.

 

“ Switch off your electric…” Die finally says not able to stand the other man.

 

“ You jealous huh…” The man let out a sexy tone and starts moving his hand on Die leg. “ Then why don’t you tell me what causing you to have that murderous glare on your face huh?” The man moved away before Die brush his hand away. “ So I might consider letting you back in my warm loving arms… ha…ha…ha…”

 

Die narrowed his eyebrow. Maybe he should not come out to see this man today this man just a nut! Since when did this man starts to change his personality, how Die had miss that reserve old lover of his. He knows this man was just joking with him all the while but he was in no mood today to entertain him. “ Stop your nonsense Kisaki.” 

 

“ Well I did not know you are in a bad mood today.” Kisaki whispered at Die ear. “ Or I will not have ask you out to see your glum face today.”   

 

Kisaki laughed when he see Die covering his ear immediately. “ Oh I nearly forget your ear is your weak point hope you are not turn on.” He let out an evil grin he was doing it in purpose.

 

Die felt like killing this man. He frowns and finally looked at Kisaki. “ What do you want exactly?” Die asked Kisaki hoping to get no matter what the other man want him to do done soon and get out of this man sight. Sometime staying another minutes with Kisaki might drive Die crazy.

 

 

TBC~

By Tsmr

 

[01/01/07]