Shinya had been staying at the balcony for quite some time, Die
had asked him to go into the house but the drummer refuse to talk to him. The
wind was getting stronger, chilling Shinya but the drummer felt good, at least
his heart was not so disarray at this moment. It was only now that Shinya
manage to let his mind stay clear, thinking.
Die watches his lover, worried that the drummer might catch a
cold, worried about the drummer sudden changes of behaved. Not knowing what
wrong with Shinya. Again, Die remembers of the pervious night where Shinya
mutter something in his sleep. Figuring it up, Die finally get a mild
conclusion.
“ Die…” Die turn and saw his lover standing behind him, calling
him, looking wired.
“ Shinya come here.” Die pulled Shinya to the sofa asking the
later to sit beside him. “ Can you tell me what wrong with you, please? I
worried, you acting wired.”
Shinya had consider for a long time outside the balcony and
decided to tell Die about it. He is afraid that he might really do something
that will lead him to the worse situation; maybe Die may be able to help him is
what he believed because there is no others whom can help him now.
“ Die… I have something to tell you but before that, can you tell
me do you love me or Toshiya?”
Die look disbelief, Shinya was asking him these question again
even after he prove so much to the drummer that he only love him now. But Die
had also guessed correctly that the changes in Shinya had something to do with
the bassist.
“ I love you, only you now Shinya.” Die embraces his lover placing
a kiss on him. “ You should know by now, I have nothing to do Toshiya, he and I
are just bandmate and friend.”
“ That what I going to talk with you.”
“ About Toshiya?”
Shinya nodded. Slowly, Shinya remove the bandage on his hand,
showing out the slash wound.
“ What are you doing?” Die was confused with his lover action.
“ This slash on my hand…” Shinya lifting his hand up and continue.
“ It nearly ended up on Toshiya.”
Die was stun at the moment when he heard what his lover had said.
Shinya as shivering, his eyes start to redden.
“ That day at Kaoru place, I nearly stab Toshiya while all of you
are asleep.” Tears were dripping down Shinya face while he says it. “ I nearly
killed Toshiya.”
“ Do you know what you are saying now?”
“ I know and I mean it, I’m telling you the truth!”
Silent. Shocked. Crying.
Shinya understand clearly that Die love him now and only, but he
just could not control himself when he saw Toshiya and Die together. Even it is
just the both of them chatting, Shinya will starts losing his mind and start
guessing on them. He wanted badly to control himself but he can’t and everytime
when he had came to realize, it had come to a close end just like the time he
was going to stab Toshiya.
“ I had stopped this time but I felt I had start getting out of
control. I might killed Toshiya… I might killed him… I don’t want this to
happen.” Shinya had already broke down by now. “ Help me Die, I don’t want
thing to end up like that! I’m getting crazy…”
Something flashes across Die mind suddenly. He remembers out of a
sudden, he himself is the main cause of this situation. If something bad really
happened, no matter who is the victim, he is always the main cause, he is the
only one to be blame.
“ Shinya, I won’t let this thing happen.” Die held Shinya tightly.
“ I promised. But first of all, you must try to control yourself. Remember I
always love you and not Toshiya!”
Die still hugging the crying Shinya.
I won’t blame you for this even if you had really killed
Toshiya at that time because I would take up the responsibility. I would die in
your place, for you and for Toshiya forgiveness…
The next day both Toshiya and Kyo were on time for practice. When
they enter the room, they only see their leader and were later told that Die
and Shinya would not be coming today.
“ What wrong?”
“ I’m not sure but Die sound serious.”
“ Should we go over to have a look?”
“ I think we better not.”
The three of them had no choice but to do some paper work. Few
hours later, Kyo came rushing into the room and mutter something to Toshiya
then the bassist gives an excuse and left earlier.
“ Where Toshiya going?” Kaoru asked when Toshiya walk out of the
room.
“ Look outside for yourself!”
Kaoru proceed to the window at the right time to see the bassist
walking out of the building. Toshiya was smiling, to someone; Kaoru follow
Toshiya sight and landed his view on…
GACKT!? WHAT HE HAS TO DO WITH TOSHIYA??
Kaoru
widen his eyes and stare at the pair. Toshiya and Gackt was chatting, seem to
be something important. After a while, Toshiya enter Gackt car and left with
him.
GACKT? Gackt?
“
Kyo!” Kaoru yelled at the vocalist as soon as Gackt car vanish from his sight.
“ What Toshiya doing with that guy?”
“ Why don’t you ask him yourself?”
Kaoru look exactly like a cat, whose tail had been stepped by
someone at this moment. Anxious to see the one he loves with someone else and
that guy happen to such a charming guy.
Kyo was ginning when he saw the anxious look on their ‘ always
clam looking’ leader face.
Kaoru: =^^;;=
Die sitting anxiously on the sofa waiting, sometime looking up at
the close door wondering how much longer must he had to wait. Just as he look
up again, Shinya opens the door and walk out with another man following behind
him.
“ How is it?” Die asked while walking toward his lover.
The man guide Shinya to a room and asked him to wait as he and Die
proceed to another room to have a talk. Shinya enter the room and waited
anxiously.
“ So how is Shinya condition doctor?”
“ His condition is quite
unstable. You must be prepared to put in a lot of time and effort for him.”
The doctor explains that Shinya main problem is he had been
feeling insecure, therefore Die had to spend lots of time with him to prevent
him from having this feeling. Secondly, Shinya needed lots of love and care,
this is the hardest thing for a patients family to provide because it need lot
of effort. Lastly, it will be best to avoid thing or people that will cause
Shinya to have this feeling.
“
I’ll give him some medicine and make sure he eat it on time. Come back again in
1 month time and I’ll see whether has his condition improve.”
“ Thanks.”
Die left the room and gets the medicine from the counter before
going into the room to fetch Shinya. Shinya is looking better now after seeing
the doctor but thing had just start, it just the beginning for Shinya.
Kaoru was wandering below Toshiya and Kyo apartment, waiting for
the bassist to come back although he is not sure whether had the bassist gone
home. He is not feeling good ever since Toshiya left with Gackt earlier on, he
did not know what is he doing here either nor what to say to the bassist if he
really see him.
“ Toshiya are you with Gackt?”
“
Toshiya what is your relationship with Gackt?”
“ Toshiya what are you doing with Gackt?”
Nooo… this won’t do either.
Kaoru
was covering his face, squatting down on the floor trying hard to think of a
way to ask the bassist about his relation with Gackt. All he was afraid would
be Toshiya telling him that he and Gackt were lover out now.
“ Toshiya… what …”
“ Ehh Toshiya about…”
“ You calling me?” Toshiya jump out from nowhere, asking Kaoru who
nearly jump up from the fright.
“ Toshiya!” Kaoru exclaimed blushing. “ When have you been
standing here?”
“ I’ve just came back and hear you muttering my name.”
Toshiya smile at Kaoru, the older man was blushing hard. Just then
a car horn was being heard, both Kaoru and Toshiya look at the direction where
the sound came from. Kaoru narrow his eye upon seeing Gackt.
“ Sorry Gackt-san, almost forget you still waiting.” Toshiya said
while walking toward the man.
Gackt bow slightly to Kaoru whom instantaneously bow back as a
sign of politeness, greeting one another.
“ Kaoru are you coming up with me?”
Kaoru nodded, not wanting to give a slight chance for Gackt to be
alone with the bassist even if it is just for a while.
“ Gackt-san please wait for a while.”
Is
Toshiya going out with him again later? Where are they going at such late hour?
Kaoru follow quietly behind the bassist.
“ Kaoru what are doing here at this hour?” Toshiya asked as soon
as they enter the lift. “ Kaoru?”
Kaoru was looking at the bassist with a stern gaze. Toshiya smile
faded to see the changes at their leader face, feeling a bit nervous. “ Kaoru…”
Unexpectedly, Kaoru pulled Toshiya toward his body and kiss the
bassist soft lip. Toshiya was shock by Kaoru sudden action and the force kisses
but them he give in. Kaoru smoothen his kisses when he feel the bassist giving
in, slowly Toshiya open his mouth slightly and allow Kaoru to explore inside
his mouth.
The door of the lift opens, Kaoru and Toshiya was still kissing
passionately not knowing the door had already open and they are now putting up
free show to the other person standing outside the door.
Few minutes later…
“ Enough?” The question finally attracts Kaoru and Toshiya
attention.
“ Kyo!” Both exclaimed.
Kaoru and Toshiya were blushing hard to see their vocalist. “ It
all your fault…” Toshiya hit on Kaoru hand.
Kaoru grinning like idiot, not knowing what to say.
“ Finish your work inside the house, I’m not coming back tonight.”
Kyo said and enter the lift, pushing the other two out. “ Have a nice night!”
“ KYO!!” Both yelled.
The door of the lift closed up, leaving the embarrass Kaoru and
Toshiya standing there not knowing what they should do.
Part 15
Kaoru
follow Toshiya into the house, both face was redden. Not knowing what to say to
one another after their passion kissing earlier on. They would have ended up
with something more if they were in the house and not in the lift, somehow both
felt a bit wasted at this moment.
“ Take a sit.” Toshiya was the first to break the silent after
they enter the house. “ What you like for a drink?”
Damn…
what am I thinking? Didn’t I already decide to wait for sometime before
starting a new relation? Just a kiss changes my mind? But… it felt great…
Kaoru.
Toshiya face blushed harder.
“ Ehh… just anything will do, thanks.” Kaoru simply answer not
daring to look at the bassist.
The ticking sound from the clock…
Kaoru tense.
Toshiya blushing.
No one talk…
Tick… tick… tick…
Finally. “ Eh…” Both say at the same time.
The door bang loudly opens, Kaoru and Toshiya tense up, both
looking at the direction of the door, seeing their vocalist standing at the
door smiling like an idiot at them.
“ Sorry, I’ve forgotten something. Please continue whatever you
guy wanted to do, just ignored me.”
Toshiya and Kaoru stay unmoved, looking at their vocalist walking
into the room, out of the room, all the time looking at them with a grin on his
face. Kaoru body was shaking somehow, cursing Kyo coming back at the moment.
“ See you guy tomorrow.” Kyo stick out his tongues at them. “
Don’t overworked and get late for tomorrow practice.”
Toshiya and Kaoru look at one another, both blushed harder.
“ KYO! I’m going to ask Gackt to screw you up again!” Toshiya
exclaimed.
Kaoru frown upon hearing Gackt name.
I’ve almost
forgotten Gackt. What Gackt has to do with Kyo? And what about Toshiya
relationship with him, how could I forgot such important thing.
They look at their vocalist slamming the door close, disappearing sound
of the footstep at the other side of the door. Finally, Kaoru and Toshiya eye
meet one another, both laugh for the tensed up they have.
“ Ehh… so… what is Gackt doing here?” Kaoru take a deep breath;
finally have the gut to ask.
Toshiya look at the elder man in surprise, suddenly realized that
their leader might have get the wrong idea about him and Gackt. The sudden
appearance of Gackt would have likely causes Kaoru to think that they were
lover.
“ Gackt-san?”
Kaoru slightly nod his head but dare not look at the bassist.
Toshiya let out a laugh. “ What do you think then?”
The guitarist looks at Toshiya when he heard the laughter and the
question ask by the bassist. “ What do I think?” Kaoru frown.
What do you expect me to say… of course I don’t wish you
two were lover but why are you laughing like that when I mention about Gackt?
Does that mean you and him really are lover?
“ Kaoru?”
The guitarist was deep in his thought does not hear the bassist
calling him. Worry and jealous overcome him when he think that Toshiya and
Gackt were lover.
Jealousy fills his mind when he thinks of the image of Gackt
hugging and kissing the bassist. Cursing how could Gackt do so, Kaoru was
unruly of himself, out of a sudden, Kaoru found himself jumping toward the
bassist, embracing the bassist and forcing kiss on him.
“ Kao… Mmm…” Toshiya muttered through shock.
After a few minutes of enthusiasm kissing, Toshiya and Kaoru
finally break off to take a breath, the bassist staring at Kaoru in fright and
disbelief.
“ I don’t care! Break off with Gackt if you are with him!” Kaoru
speak out suddenly, looking seriously at Toshiya. “ Or I kick you out of the
band!”
Toshiya pouted, hearing the most unreasonable and childish words
coming from their leader.
Kaoru was still staring at the bassist for an answer.
“ DON”T WANT!” Toshiya exclaimed, trying to take a small revenge
from their leader for saying such unreasonable thing.
The spirit and self-assured look on Kaoru face disappear; the
guitarist almost drops to the floor when Toshiya say that. “ You love him so
much?” Kaoru mutter softly.
No answer from the bassist.
“ Aright I understand… I won’t kick you out, I’m just joking.”
No answer still.
“ Please say something, I’m sorry for all this.”
No answer.
“ Toshiya? I’m really sorry…”
Kaoru looking more and more distress, thinking that the bassist
was mad with him for what he had said earlier on. Slowly he lift up his head to
look at Toshiya whom is keeping quiet.
Smiling?
“ Why you want me to break up with Gackt?” The bassist asked. “
Give me a reason or I will be really mad at you!”
“ Because…” Kaoru paused for a while wondering should he tell the
bassist the truth. “ Because that, it that because Gackt and you… because…
because…”
“ BECAUSE WHAT KAORU!?” Toshiya was getting impatient.
Just tell me your feeling, that all I want to hear… don’t
be such coward.
“ Because I LOVE you…” Kaoru yelled as he was been frighten by
Toshiya sudden exclaiming.
“ Really?” Toshiya was smiling,
sweetly.
Kaoru was blushing, the very first time in his life that he had
expressed his love to someone and that person had happened to be his bandmate,
a man, his love, Toshiya.
“ But I can’t break up with him…”
Kaoru look up at the bassist, disappointment was written all over
his face. All Kaoru wondering now was why the bassist was still smiling, in
front of a person that had been rejected by him.
“ I understand… it unfair to you if I force you to break up with
the one you love so that you can stay in the band.”
Toshiya smile faded suddenly seeing the disappointment and sadden
in their leader face, the very first time he see this expression on their
leader. Somehow Toshiya felt himself feeling sad when he see the expression on
Kaoru, maybe he had overdone the joke.
“ Sorry Kaoru.”
“ There’s no need to apologies.” Kaoru answered, thinking that the
bassist was apologizing for not being to break up with Gackt.
“ No, listen to me first.” Toshiya paused.
“ Huh?”
“ Kyo and Gackt are lover, so I can’t break off with Gackt, you
see, I’m not his lover.”
Kaoru: < @__@ >
“ Still angry?” Gackt asked.
Kyo had not been talking to his lover ever since he enter the car
until they had reach Gackt apartment, still mad at Gackt for making him a
‘woman’ out of Kyo will at the last time they had sex. They had agreed to one
another that they were only done it when being approve by the other but that
night, Kyo was drunk and the next day all he know was he had become the ‘woman’.
Thinking of this, Kyo narrow his eyes. Everytime he remembers of
it, he will get extremely mad at Gackt for breaking the promised. They did not
break up but Gackt had been chasing after Kyo to get his forgiveness and that
why he go after Toshiya for help after knowing that the bassist was staying
with his lover.
“ Kyo… please don’t be angry.” Gackt persuading continues but was
ignored by his lover.
Kyo switch on the television, flip the magazines, drink up the
second can of beer, lighting up a cigarette, still he ignored Gackt.
Gackt pout. “ Kyo…” He pokes his lover leg.
Kyo kick his lover hand away, still rejecting to talk with Gackt.
Angry, very angry, extremely angry, the vocalist finally stand up, wanted to
leave but he stopped, remember something. He had no place to go now if he leave
Gackt place, he can’t go home now; Kaoru was at his place and may be now busy
with the bassist.
Kyo sit down again. Gackt looked at his lover action with doubt.
Kyo give laughter out of Gackt expect, Gackt still staring at Kyo, wondering
what his lover is thinking at this moment.
Hum at least Gackt help up in Toshiya and Kaoru… if not
because of him, don’t know when the two will improve their relationship.
Evil grin appear on Kyo face, he look at the clock knowing that an
hour had pass since he left his apartment, picking up the phone, Kyo dial back
home. The phone finish ringing the first time, Kyo continue dialing the second
time follow by the third time until someone pick up the phone.
“ YES.” The voice sound a bit of exhausted and angry on the other
side of the phone.
Kyo hangs up as soon as he heard Kaoru voice, laughing
hysterically, having guess what his two friend had been doing before he phone
back.
“ Kyo are you okay?” Gackt look a bit worried for his lover,
thinking that he had ‘over-anger’ his lover, making his lover acting wired.
Kaoru throw the phone on the floor, still very enthusiastic to get
back to the bassist but when he turns around, Toshiya was already sitting up behind
him. Kaoru was cursing inside his heart, at the person who called.
“ Who is it?”
Kaoru ignored the question and pull the bassist back onto the bed.
Toshiya pout for the sudden change of their leader attitude. Kaoru was so shy
just now but was now so … he pushes Kaoru away.
“ Toshiya?” Kaoru is showing a little protest.
“ Who say you can do this?” Toshiya say, gazing at the older man
with a seducing expression.
Kaoru: >__< (woo
come-on Totchi)
Shinya awake suddenly from his dream again, slowly Shinya get up
of the bed not wanting to wake his lover up. He went outside the bedroom to the
balcony, sitting down, sighing somehow.
Am I giving Die too much trouble? Will he get annoyed and
left me?
Cool breeze blowing at the skinny drummer; Shinya sighed again.
Part
16
Toshiya
swift from his sleep, the sunlight was shining brightly into the bedroom waking
the bassist. Just as he was about to sit up of the bed, his alarm clock starts
ringing loudly. The bassist heavily, lazily pulled his body up, reaching the
clock and stops it.
Sitting up on his bed, Toshiya yawned, lazily stretch his body
then starts recalling.
Blushed… Toshiya recalled yesterday night, he seduced Kaoru,
making life miserable, torturing the guitarist before having wild sex with the
man.
“ Good morning! Totchi.”
The bassist felt his face burning when he heard Kaoru, just then
he realized he was not wearing anything. Blushing harder, Toshiya immediately
pulled the blanket, covering his naked body.
Kaoru grin. “ Didn’t I already seem everything already.”
Toshiya face almost turns red, knowing that Kaoru was trying to
make fun of him. Not wanted to give in so easily, Toshiya turn around and pull
the blanket that is covering Kaoru away.
“ Let me see yours then! I have not see it clearly enough!”
“ Hey stop it Toshiya…”
“ No I want to see…”
“ Aright, let me see yours too!”
Toshiya and Kaoru were battling to see each other naked body,
pulling the blanket, throwing it onto the floor. Finally stopped when Toshiya
was press firmly below of Kaoru. Gazing deep into one another eyes, Kaoru
slowly blend down, pressing a soft and quick kiss on the bassist, look at the
beautiful man again, kissing the soft lip again.
“ Kaoru…” Toshiya finally protest after a while, knowing that
Kaoru was going to further their action.
“ Can’t?”
“ I still feel pain there.” Toshiya explained.
Kaoru felt guilty after hearing what the bassist had say, knowing
that he had hurt the younger man. “ Sorry Toshiya…” Kaoru apologize, feeling
pain for the bassist. He places a kiss on the bassist forehead and get off the
younger man.
Toshiya lay his head on Kaoru arm, resting. Thinking of their
relationship now. What are they now? Lover? Bandmate?
“ Toshiya?” Kaoru heard the younger man sighing out of the sudden.
“ What wrong?”
“ What are we now?”
“ Huh? What do you mean?” Kaoru don’t understand.
Toshiya did not say a thing, just let his head continue resting on
the guitarist arm. Kaoru is staying
still for the bassist to place his head, as long as Toshiya felt comfortable.
Both were keeping silent, thinking maybe.
“ Toshiya…” Kaoru broke the silent first. “ Will you be my lover?”
Toshiya was somehow stun by the sudden question from the
guitarist. Isn’t this is something he also wanted to know, about what is he to
Kaoru now.
“ I don’t know.”
“ What answer is this?” Kaoru pout.
“ I was scared… when will you damp me?”
Kaoru was surprised by the bassist answer. He did not know that
the bassist was feeling so insecure, he never think that Toshiya was one whom
will think like this. The bassist always looks so confident to Kaoru.
“ I love you… why would I damp you?”
“ Die told me the same thing before but he also damp me in the
end.”
Kaoru frown.
“ I was scared, I won’t be able to take it again if you do the
same thing.”
Kaoru speechless.
“ You can promised me everything now but who will know what will
happened in future?”
Kaoru could felt the pain in the bassist when Toshiya talk about
the matter, the bassist eyes was redden somehow but he was trying to hold back
his tears, not wanting to cry in front of Kaoru.
“ I also love you Kaoru but I was scared to admit it, I was…”
Kaoru cover the bassist mouth, stopping Toshiya from talking. “
Time will tell, you don’t have to admit me as your lover now until you feel it
the right time. I will wait, no matter how long because I love you!”
“ Kaoru!?” Toshiya hug the guitarist tightly, touch by his word.
“ Hey… Toshiya? You don’t have to cry like this…” Kaoru held the
bassist comforting the younger man.
10 minutes later…
“ Huh… aren’t we gonna be late for practices?” Kaoru finally
realized the time was getting late.
[T__T;]
The car stopped, Kyo getting out of it and saw Kaoru’s car droving
into the carpark with Toshiya inside, knowing the two was together the whole
night properly. The vocalist gave out an evil grin; already have a plan to make
fun of the two. He bended down saying something to Gackt and close the car
door.
“ Bye! See you later.” Kyo say to his lover.
Gackt starts his car and drove off, passing Kaoru’s car. Bow
slightly to Kaoru as they saw each other, Gackt smiling at the bassist, hint
that he had get the vocalist forgiveness. Toshiya smile back; putting a victory
sign to Gackt. Kaoru saw everything and drove the car faster; shorten the time
for the two to communicate.
Toshiya giggle knowing what Kaoru was possibly thinking.
“ Good morning.” Kyo greet the two when they get down the car.
“ Morning Kyo-kun.” Toshiya greet back.
“ Morning and stop what you going to say.” Kaoru warn, knowing Kyo
was up to something by seeing the grinning face.
Kyo pouted. His plan was see through by the man he did not dare to
disobey, he had no choice but still did not want to give up the chance to make
fun of the two. Thinking that maybe Die will stand at his side later.
The three enter the studio where Die and Shinya were already
there. The two was sitting together, chatting and stop when they see the
others. They greet each other and starts to get back to their place, preparing for
the practices. Shinya and Toshiya walk in the same way and end up knocking at
each other.
“ Sorry Shin-chan.” Toshiya apologize first.
Die was panic somehow when he see that. Kaoru and Kyo didn’t care,
as it is nothing important to them. Toshiya still holing onto the drummer whom
is staring at him, feeling a bit perturbed.
“ It’s okay.” Shinya finally speak out, smiling at the bassist.
Die heart rested when he see nothing going wrong and went back to
prepared his guitar. Shinya had notice Die looking at them; he didn’t want to
make his lover worried.
Was Die looking at Toshiya?
Shinya
suddenly hit the drum loudly when he thinks of that. The others were nearly
frightened to hell by the drummer. Die looks at his lover and notice that
Shinya was staring at Toshiya.
“
Shinya…” Die call out, trying to distract the drummer thinking, bringing his
lover back to attention.
Shinya
heard his lover voice and regain to his own self, knowing that he had been out
of control again. Die walk to him and pull him out of the room, leaving the
other wondering what going on.
“
Are you alright?” Die asked concern. “
Did you take your medication today?”
“
I have… you have see it, isn’t it?”
“ Relax Shinya… I love you.” Die pulls the drummer into his arm. “
Remember I always love you.”
“ I’m out of control again?” Shinya was shaking somehow.
“ It alright, I’ll be there for you.” Die console. “ If you’re
okay, let go in now. I don’t want them to get worry.”
Shinya nod and follow his lover into the studio again.
They did not give much explanation that day, the others did not
ask much either knowing that Die wanted to keep it a secret. The following
weeks passed normally, Die didn’t dare to get close to the bassist nor talk to
him frequently, afraid that it will affect Shinya condition.
This week was making Die worn up, he could not sleep properly, he
need to be aware of himself from getting to close with the bassist, he had to
act as usual as possible in front of his friend, he had to do so many thing.
Unknown to Die, his avoiding action was making the bassist upset.
Toshiya did not know the reason but he could feel Die avoiding him. Die was
also looking so tired, the first time Toshiya had see dark-ring under Die eyes.
The bassist was wondering had he did something wrong that had cause Die to do
this to him.
The photo taking section today, Die was still avoiding the
bassist. They were preparing to take single shot and were waiting for their
turn. Finally, it was Shinya turn and Toshiya decides to approach Die for an
answer.
Toshiya walk to Die whom was reading a magazine. “ Die.” Toshiya
called, putting his hand on Die shoulder.
Die look up at the bassist, just then he saw Shinya already
staring at them, panic.
“ I was…”
“ DON’T TOUCH ME!!” Die exclaimed and push the bassist away.
The sudden impact had cause the bassist to lose his balance,
Toshiya fell down and knock his face hard onto the table beside him. The others
was also alert by Die exclaiming had turn and saw the bassist falling. Die was
stun, realizing what he had done.
“ TOSHIYA!!” Kaoru and Kyo both exclaim and ran up to the bassist,
whom was still sitting on the floor, too shock to react on what had just
happened.
Shinya just look at the incident, did not know how to react.
Die standing still, froze.
Kyo rush up and held the bassist to stand up.
Kaoru grab Die by the shirt, too angry. “ What the hell do you
think you are doing!?” Kaoru yelled and raised his hand about to punch on Die
when he heard Kyo shriek.
“ Toshiya!! My god your face!”
Kaoru and Die look at the bassist, who was still in shock.
“ Toshiya…”
Toshiya finally look at his bandmate, who is staring at him.
Toshiya
lift his hand and touch his face… blood was dripping down the bassist beautiful
face.
Part
17
Die
sitting down on the couch waiting anxiously for Toshiya to come back while
Shinya was attending to the wound on his face.
Kaoru had harshly gave Die a punch on the face earlier on, the very next
moment when Kaoru see the cut on Toshiya face. Now that Kaoru had accompany the
bassist to have treatment on the face, the others had went back to the studio
to wait for them and the photo taking section had to be cancel off.
The studio seems to have become a deserted place as no noise was
given out by any of them. Kyo did not utter a word, feeling worry knowing that
the situation was not going to end like this. Kaoru killer glared and Toshiya
unexpectedly calmness earlier on, all this will soon turns into something
dreadful.
Gosh!
Totchi would not let the matter rest if there is scar left down on his face!!
Kaoru never let Die off if someone upset his love!!
Kyo was making all type of facial expression! Hugging his head and
imagine the outcome. Forcing himself to
think of a solution before the other two get back and start a fight with the
red head and ended up with the disband of Dir en Grey. If it was him whom had
injured his face, thing will be better because he would not even care but it
was Toshiya!! Someone whom care for his appearance more than anything else!
“ My God!” Kyo was now knocking his head on the wall.
Shinya was staring at the vocalist, feeling worried. “ Is Kyo
alright?” He asked his lover who is in no mood at listening to him.
Toshiya
eyes… just now when he look at me… the pair of fearful and sad eyes… I hurt him
again!?
Die
frowned, rubbing his forehead.
Shinya
look at his lover, knowing clearly what Die might be thinking about. Showing
displeasure on his face, the drummer walks back to his drum. Recalling back,
Shinya was also shock by what his lover had causes but then when he sees the
bassist injured face, Shinya felt like laughing though he didn’t.
“ Die!” Shinya called the second time when he notices that his
lover was not giving him any attention.
Die was still dazing, sometime looking at his watch, wondering what
is taking the bassist so long, sometime looking at the door hoping they would
be back soon. All this moment, he had forgotten his lover who is now glaring at
him, starting to feel insecure.
“ Die…!” Shinya muttered a bit soft.
No responded from his lover.
Feeling frustrated, Shinya walks out of the studio, finally
getting his lover attention, as Die thinking that Kaoru and Toshiya had
returned. Shinya stopped suddenly, Die standing up as both saw Kaoru and
Toshiya. Just simply one look at Kaoru, anyone could tell that the leader was
in extremely bad mood. Toshiya was half hidden behind their leader.
Shinya stood unmoved, Kaoru was looking inside the studio, and his
eyes were focus on the red head. Die gulped, the very first time he was so
frighten of his friend.
“ Toshiya… how’s your…eh face?” Kyo exclaim at first when he knows
Toshiya is back but he was taken aback by the look of Kaoru.
Just as everyone were feeling perturbed, no one dared to start the
next speech, Toshiya giggle suddenly much to everyone surprised.
“ I’m alright, don’t look so worry you guys.”
“ Would there be scar leaving down?” Kyo take the rise to ask this
question.
Die was tense when the question is ask, praying hard that the
bassist face going to to be as beautiful as before. Shinya was totally opposite
of his lover, hoping the scar would remain.
“ Not sure, the doctor didn’t confirm it.” Toshiya simply answer
with a smile.
Die and Kyo was stun. The bassist was still smiling when he don’t
even know what going to happen to his face, still taking thing so easy? It’s
not like Toshiya.
Kaoru just remain quiet, knowing clearly that it’s not what the
bassist truth feeling, knowing Toshiya was not speaking out from his heart.
Earlier on, the bassist was still trembling, crying in his hand, feeling worry
about the scar matter. There’s nowhere he going to be fine but he had ask Kaoru
to keep it from the others.
“ Is it? You won’t be the beautiful bassist of Dir en Grey if
there’s going to be a scar on that beautiful face of yours.” Shinya speak out
suddenly stunning everyone.
“ Shinya!” Die exclaimed, staring at his lover, can’t believe what
he had heard from the drummer.
Shinya storm out of the studio, knocking Toshiya shoulder and at
the very same moment, Toshiya notice the glare given to him by the drummer.
“ Shinya!” Die run after his lover.
Fuck!
I shouldn’t have shouted at him, especially it in from of Toshiya… what am I
doing!?
Toshiya
clutch onto Kaoru hand tightly as soon as Die and Shinya had gone. His body was
shaking, mostly because of what the drummer had say earlier on. Kaoru turn
around, not uttering a word, gently, he embrace the younger man into his arm.
“
It going to be fine Totchi… just ignored what Shinya had say.” Kaoru whispered
at Toshiya ear.
Kyo
looking at them partly had guessed rightly that Toshiya just did not want them,
especially Die to let this matter get onto him. Kaoru was very mad at Die but
what makes him angrier was what the drummer had said to Toshiya. Kaoru won’t never
believe Shinya would say this entire thing if it weren’t he had heard it
himself.
“
Shinya, wait!” Die yelled; finally get hold of his lover arm.
Shinya
tries to struggler off but could not. Die hold his lover face up, noticing that
his lover was crying, his anger smoothen down, not wanting to blame him for
what he had say to Toshiya.
“
Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you… just that…”
“
I know I shouldn’t have say that to Toshiya but I don’t know why, at that time
I just felt like saying it… I don’t know why…”
“
It okay, Shinya just calm down, remember what the doctor told you? Don’t let
your anger overcome you.”
“
I must have hurt him… we know he care for his look so much… will he forgive me
if I apologize to him?”
Die
did not answer this question, all he did was dry the tears on Shinya face,
trying all he can to calm his lover down. He did not know either, will Toshiya
forgive him if there’s really scar. He could not forgive himself either…
The
following few days, everything seems fine. Toshiya coming to practice as usual,
laughing and joking with the others and mostly, he was not angry at the
drummer. Shinya somehow feel guilty toward what he had say had apologize to
Toshiya who end the uneasiness with a joke.
Everything
just seems so fine until the moment Die approaches Toshiya to tell him
something about the new lyric. Shinya and Die was sitting together with the
bassist discussing when an insect stop on Toshiya head, Die saw it knowing that
the bassist might be afraid of it had try to chase it away.
“
DON”T…!” Toshiya exclaimed the moment Die hand comes near to him.
Everyone
stops their work when they heard Toshiya. Die was surprise by the bassist
reaction until he realizes Toshiya was not playing with him. The bassist was
shaking somehow, eyes staring wide at the red head.
“
Toshiya…?” Die was taken aback.
“
Don’t touch him.”
Kaoru
push Die away, harshly, properly still angry at Die for hurting the bassist.
Toshiya finally regain his sense, just had realized he actually think Die was
going to hurt him again, feeling frighten of Die therefore he yelled.
Die
dislikes me!
Toshiya
believed.
The
day ended with Die getting upset of himself for what he had cause to the
bassist. Shinya in the other hand was
hiding his good mood, feeling less worry that Die would go back to Toshiya
because the bassist was scare of Die.
Kaoru
was drying his hair as he walk out of the bathing room, he see Toshiya sitting
in front of the mirror, staring blankly at the mirror.
“
Totchi what are you doing?” Kaoru ask concern.
“
There will be a scar! You see that cut didn’t you?” Toshiya mutter softly,
still looking into the mirror.
Kaoru
walks to the younger man; standing behind him and hug him from behind. Not
knowing how to console the man he love, this is a different situation, he could
not promise him that there were not be a scar though he know how worry Toshiya
is.
“
Will you still love me if I’m disfigure?”
Kaoru
was surprise by the younger man question, unexpected Toshiya would ask him
this. Toshiya have not agreed to be his lover but now he is asking Kaoru this
question… what does he mean?
Kaoru
was unsure.
“
Kaoru? Will you?” Toshiya asked again.
“
No matter how you have become, my love for you will never change.” Kaoru answer
seriously.
Toshiya
give a smile… properly a fake one unknown to Kaoru.
You
hesitated didn’t you? You did not answer me directly! I know you will mind.
“
I love you Totchi!”
Toshiya
was still smiling at the older man but not from his heart.
Die
dumped me even I was so beautiful at that time… he always tell me how beautiful
I am but still he dumped me. How can I believe you will still love me if I’m
disfigured?
Kaoru
was still happily thinking that Toshiya had finally decides to accept his love
but at this very moment, he would never believe that the man sitting in front
of him, smiling sweetly at him had seal up his feeling one more time.
I dared not love Kaoru! I always thought you can unseal my
heart but…
Part
18
Kaoru
sent the bassist home later in the night; Toshiya had not been talking much
after he asks Kaoru the question. Kaoru felt something was wrong with the
younger man but he did not ask anything either as he understands Toshiya would
tell him if he wanted to.
The car stopped in the carpark. Toshiya was about to get down the
car when Kaoru pull him back, “ wait!” The bassist turns back; look at the man
wondering what Kaoru wants to tell.
Kaoru did not say a thing, he was just holding onto the bassist
arm, looking hesitantly.
“ Kaoru actually I…” Toshiya decides to tell the man the truth; he
could by now feel that Kaoru had start guessing on him. “ Kaoru, find someone
who can love you more than me.”
“ Toshiya!” Kaoru was anxious; he had guessed the right thing. “
Why are you saying this again? Didn’t I tell you I would wait for you until you
felt like accepting me as your lover!”
Toshiya struggler his arm off Kaoru grips. “ Please Kaoru! You
were giving me stress!” Toshiya exclaimed. “ I don’t want you to wait! I don’t
you being so good to me!”
“ What’s wrong for me being nice to you? You know I love you!”
You
don’t love me! I know you don’t! You just want my body… you going to dump me
soon after you have enough of me!
Toshiya
just stare at the guitarist. He felt like crying, not knowing why he had this
feeling. He wanted Kaoru to stop loving him, he wants Kaoru to leave him alone
but he was scare if the guitarist really does so. His feeling was so mix up.
“ I don’t know… why I don’t want you to love me. Tell me Kaoru,
why my heart hurt so much?” Toshiya nearly break down.
Kaoru calm himself down, gently he pull the bassist into his arms
and hug the crying man. Maybe what he had guessed is right. Toshiya was still
being very much bothered by being dump by Die. He could not let go of the
matter, dare not accept new relationship because he was afraid of being dump
again.
Out of the sudden, Kaoru reflect of something.
“ I know why.” Kaoru said with a soft and low tone. “ It’s because
you love me and that’s why you afraid of being dump my me. You won’t mind if
you don’t love me at all isn’t it?”
What Kaoru had say finally enlighten the bassist. Kaoru had
completely understand what the younger man was afraid of, Toshiya was just too
bother by his pass relation and was still being afraid of history to repeat
again. Toshiya must agree the guitarist is right; it was what he had been
thinking of.
“ Kaoru… I was…”
“ Give me a chance, believe me.” Kaoru cut into Toshiya words. “ I
love you Totchi!” Kaoru moved forward and place a kiss on the bassist soft
lips, Toshiya did not reject.
Kaoru lighten up when he aware that Toshiya did not reject his
kiss. Toshiya in the other hand had started to soften his heart; he starts
recalling how much Kaoru had done for him. Kaoru had been trying all he can to
prove to the bassist that he loves him, how much he had put in the effort for
Toshiya to accept him as his lover.
Maybe
Kaoru really mean it… he love me… I should believe him?
Toshiya lift his hand up, wanted to hug the guitarist back, wanted
to accept Kaoru as his lover. “ Kaoru I…” Toshiya stopped suddenly, remembering
of something. “ I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT YOU SAY!” Toshiya pushed the man away
harshly.
“ Toshiya? Why? After I show you how much I care for you and you
still don’t…” Kaoru heart sank.
“ How can I believe you!” Toshiya voice starts shaking.
Kaoru was upset to see the bassist getting so distress and was
about to cry out but still he wanted an answer from Toshiya. “ But why…
Totchi?” Kaoru asked.
“ You left me once… didn’t you?”
Kaoru was hesitant, wondering what Toshiya was saying. He can’t
remember when he had done so because he was not even the bassist lover.
“ In the hotel… we had sex and you left me the next day… I know it
you.”
Kaoru was stun at the moment, finally he remember it. (Refer back
to story, I think it before part 10 ^__^) He had left the bassist once because
at that time he was afraid of getting into trouble and most of all, he had not
fall in love with the bassist but he never expect Toshiya had know the person
is him.
“ I can’t believe you! All of you are liar! Die and you…” Toshiya exclaimed
and wept the tears on his face before getting out of the car.
Kaoru did not stop the bassist; his mind was in chaos, not knowing
how to react. Kaoru sit still in the car, his sight was following Toshiya until
the bassist vanish from his vision. Kaoru signed. He had never regret so much
in his life before like now.
“ FUCK!!” Kaoru curse and nearly slapped himself hard on the face.
Kyo was sitting on the sofa watching television when the bassist
storm into the house and into his room without letting Kyo have a chance to
talk to him. Kyo sweatdrop, not knowing what’s going on but he see the bassist
was crying.
Isn’t
Toshiya with Kaoru just now? I thought he will be staying over… did they have a
quarrel?
Kyo starts guessing.
Just
then he seem to remember something, picking up the phone and dial his lover
number. “ Gackt I think you better don’t come over tonight. That’s all.” Kyo
hang up without giving any explanation to his lover but they were already used
to this type of conversation.
Mmm… should I…?
Kyo
wandered outside of Toshiya room, thinking should ask the bassist anything.
Maybe is it because of the scar that upset Toshiya or did they really quarrel?
Kyo was turning run and run until he finally decides to knock on the door.
No responded.
“ Toshiya what wrong with you?” Kyo asked outside the room.
No responded.
Kyo knock again and still no responded. Kyo give up knowing the
bassist would like to be alone as it was some kind of knowing between the two
of them. When either one of them did not respond for a few time, it mean they
wants to be alone.
Knowing that Kyo was gone, Toshiya sits up from his bed, taking
the blanket away from his head. His tears already wet the cotton covering his wound
and still Toshiya could not stop himself from crying. The pain had raise again
in his heart, especially when he think of the time when Kaoru left him in the
hotel.
“ You liar… liar… I don’t believe you…”
The tears were uncontrollable. Toshiya was crying heart broken. Hs
mind was struggling between his truth feelings toward Kaoru and the
worth-trusty of Kaoru. Kaoru was right, Toshiya was afraid of being dump again
and it’ll be worse when he had fall deeply in love with that man.
Kaoru…?
The worse moment to realized his truth feeling…
The peoples were dancing crazily on the dance hall, having fun and
whatever. Kaoru seem to be the only odd human there in the pub, sitting in the
corner drinking alone and was in deep thought. He did not even bother to reject
anyone who come to approaches him, all the while he was remaining silent until
the person gave up talking to him.
What should I do now? Toshiya was hurt, it was written in his
eyes. I betray him once, I left him and now what must I do to make up what I
have done to him? I shouldn’t have left him that day…
Kaoru rubbed his forehead. He was frustrated, not knowing what to
do.
Toshiya already being very much bother by his relation with Die,
he don’t seem to really believe in anyone now and I make thing worse. “What a
fuck I am!” Kaoru curse himself. He pick up the glass of wine in front of him,
gulp it down in one time and slam the glasses back on the table, nearly
breaking it.
“ What’s troubling you?” Someone asked Kaoru.
Kaoru look up and saw Die standing in front of him, was holding a
glass of beer and was looking kind of troubled from his expression. The other
man look at Kaoru, who was glaring at him with his killer glare, was thinking maybe
he had approach at the wrong time.
The very first culprit of my problem, Kaoru was thinking of this
while glaring at Die, before he asked the red head to take a sit.
“ What are you doing here? Where’s Shinya?”
Die did not answer the question; he took a slip of beer and asks
Kaoru back. “ What you doing here? You seem troubled.”
Kaoru stare at the other guitarist who looks back, suddenly both
laugh out together. Maybe remember they just had a fight or maybe remember they
had not been sitting down like this for a long time or maybe something else
that make both of them feel like laughing. They are good friend aren’t they but
thing happening recently was making them nearly fall apart.
Die starts telling Kaoru about Shinya condition, which he felt he
should have done so. At first Kaoru was shock from what Die had told him, and
starts recalling back, he found that Shinya really behaved strangely.
Especially the scar incident, if it weren’t his mental problem, the drummer
will never say thing that would hurt someone.
“ Why are you leaving him alone? Didn’t the doctor told you to
keep him accompany?”
“ He’s asleep after taking the medicine. I’ll be going back soon,
I was coming out to have some relief.”
Kaoru could understand what Die is thinking, from the look of the
red head, Kaoru could tell that Die was very tired, maybe it’s from the stress
Shinya was giving to him or it may be the band problem but Die was really
looking very tried.
“ What about you?” Die asked. “ Toshiya problem?”
Kaoru scowl, Die question bring him back to his own problem again.
Kaoru lowered his head, nearly knocking onto the table, feeling headache out of
a sudden.
“ I love Toshiya.” Kaoru muttered suddenly, his head still looking
down on the floor.
Die had already tell it from Kaoru recent behavior and it not only
him, even Shinya and Kyo know about it. Die was doubtful why Kaoru still look
so trouble. Kaoru and Toshiya make a good match and Die could somehow feel that
the bassist does like Kaoru, and then what’s the problem? (Author: Still dare
to ask! >__<)
“ Didn’t you tell him your feeling?”
Kaoru nodded. “ It all my fault! I can’t blame him…” Kaoru felt
upset, remembering how he had hurt the man he loves. Kaoru starts telling Die everything, in some way with some
accuses toward Die.
“ Toshiya still… he still bother by me because of what I had done
to him…?” Die was extremely shock to know it. “ Great! What I had done to him…”
Die curse himself.
Toshiya had been acting very normal after he and Die and clarify
their problem. They behaving like usual, very normal and Toshiya had even told
him that he was in love with someone else. Die just could not believe the
bassist was still being very much bother by their relationship.
“ What have I done? I’m hurting both of them… hurting Shinya and
Toshiya at the same time.” Die buried his head in his hand. “ I hurting them…”
Kaoru
look at his friend who had completely buried by his guilt. He was angry at Die
but seeing how painful Die is now, Kaoru did not give any comment. Maybe he
should console his friend and solve his own problem by not blaming everything
on Die.
Shinya woke up and find Die not beside him, he felt frighten and
lonely suddenly, thinking Die had left him. Shinya began to shout at his lover
name.
“ Shinya?” Die was alarm by his lover shouting rush into the room.
“ What happened?” Die asked, walking to his lover.
“ I thought you left me.” Shinya muttered clutching onto Die.
Die hugs Shinya tightly into his strong arm, making his lover felt
comfortable. “ I here!” Die said softly, stroking his lover hair. “ I’m always
here for you Shinya.”
“ You’ve been drinking?”
Shinya smell alcohol. “ You’ve gone out?”
Die nervously let go of Shinya. “ Yap, just a few cup, I can’t
sleep.” He explained. “ I’m just met Kaoru and we’ve been chatting.”
Shinya was staring at his lover without uttering a word. Chatting
with Kaoru? Didn’t he just punch you today? Shinya starts to guess on Die
again. Isn’t Toshiya always with Kaoru recently? I understand now! You just
using Kaoru as an excuse, all you want to see is Toshiya!
“ You with Toshiya?”
Die nearly breaks down when Shinya said this. “ Shinya! I’m with
Kaoru, you can ask him!”
“ You just using Kaoru as you excuse, you are seeing Toshiya! It
must be like that!” Shinya starts crying. “ You love him!” Shinya was in chaos,
totally not knowing what he is talking about.
“ Shinya!” Die trying to get hold of his lover who seems getting
out of control. “ Calm down! I with Kaoru not Toshiya! Calm down Shinya!” Die
slap Shinya on the face as Shinya starts yelling like mad.
The room becomes silent.
Shinya was holding onto
his now burning face, staring frightening at Die.
TBC~
By Tsmr
[4/7/02]