Deep, deep…
By Tsmrhara
Part 1
I stole a glance at
him when he walk pass me. The pain in my heart ascends again within second just
by looking at him. He could be mean sometime, truly mean but I did not expect
that he would ditch me. How could him? I love him so much and he says he loves
me too, he was the one who approach me first but … what should I do now?
*
Die pout when the studio assistant ask him to wait a little longer
before his turn to take the photo shot for their new single. Being boring, he
starts looking around ignoring his ex-lover who was glancing at him for the
time being.
Toshiya stare down at the floor when he
realizes that Die had been ignoring him all the while. He wanted to give up all
his hope of being about to get back with Die at that moment but he just could
not take the fate that Die does not love him anymore.
The studio assistant called for Toshiya
again but it seem that the bassist did not hear it at all. Shinya approach his
friend and tap him on the shoulder, Toshiya finally regain from his thought
from that tapping and look up at Shinya. The drummer was shock, follow by Kaoru
who had just walk out from the studio room, then the studio assistant.
Tears was dripping down from the
bassist’s cheek. It was really an astonish for them to see Toshiya cry, the
‘never mess up my make-up’ bassist crying right in front of so many peoples,
not caring of his important image.
“ What’s the matter with you?”
Toshiya stop crying all of the sudden
when he hear Die asking him. He did care for me? I just know he did! He was
just too angry with me that make him ignoring me. Yes, it must be! The bassist
comfort himself and decides to apologize to Die for whatever mistake he had
make although he does not even know what he had done wrong, wishing that they
could patch up again.
“ I fine… just …”
“ You’re fine, then continue with the
shooting! Don’t waste my time!”
The sudden happiness in the bassist’s
heart vanish within second. It was all his wild thought, he just know it. Die will not love him anymore, he is just
concern because he was in a hurry.
“ Wakarimashita.” Toshiya said softly
and follows the assistant into the studio leaving his worried bandmate behind.
*
Toshiya sits down in front of the
mirror to redo his make-up again. The studio was unusually quiet today. The
assistants decides that it is better not to ask anything, they know that once
the bassist broke down again, it will really be a disaster.
The bassist close his eyes when he think of this sentence, the
sentence that his lover had given him as an excuse for the break up. He know it
was not the real reason but Die just won’t tell him anymore thing.
Why?
The photo taking section went silently
done that evening, no question asked, no jokes, no explanation.
***
Toshiya wander down the street, people
looks at him as usual attracted by him, but this time, he just ignore them and
continue walking. He is in no mood to entertain them. Everyday since he had
break up with Die month ago, Toshiya had been doing the same thing at night,
wandering around the street in hope to forget…
He know that he had been a slut in everyone eyes and this
including his bandmate. He had manage to overcome all this just because someone
tell him that he is the purest person in his eyes. Never did he expect that
this ‘only’ person would also break his heart and dream.
Toshiya, no matter what others thinks about you, you will always
be the purest person in my eyes…
…
Can you be my lover?
I accepted him. I put my trust in him. I love him wholeheartedly.
But…
I feel tired being with you.
The only reason for the
break up. I know that this is not the real reason but he just won’t tell me.
And all this happened within a year.
Days of waiting for him to come back and tell me he is just joking
with me, he still loves me! But my heart die, my trust faded, I lost my hope.
Wandering around the city now seem to be my only entertainment.
*
Shinya walks out of the restaurant follow by Die. Laughing and
chatting as they walk down the street to get the car. It was rather tiring
after the whole day of practicing but being able to stay together with one
another was the best relaxing program for the whole day.
They had just realize the feeling for one another after wasting so
many years of just being friend and bandmate. Shinya never think that Die will
actually love him as the red head was just interested in making fun of him.
Die was happy, Shinya finally feels being love, both was devoted
in the love. The only thing that was still distracting them was their bandmate…
Toshiya. Betrayed…
*
Die stops the car while Shinya turns behind the seat to get his
bag. Die suddenly pulled Shinya back to face him and place a kiss on Shinya’s
soft lips.
“ Die?” Shinya protest slightly and blush.
“ Let me stay overnight.”
Die said in a low and husky voice.
Shinya blush hard but nod his head slightly. This will be their
first night together after so many years of ‘secret love’.
Die was overjoyed. He pulled Shinya toward him and hug him before
they starts kissing passionately. Die’s hand move down slowly and undo Shinya’s
shirt while placing kisses on Shinya’s neck.
Shinya enjoy the feeling but he does not want their precious first
time to be in the car and starts to protest by pushing Die away.
“ Not here.” Shinya said softly.
Die smile and get down of his car immediately, he walks to the
other side of the door and open it. Shinya just stare confusing before he
notice that Die had already carry him out of the car and in his arms.
“ Let’s go up then.” Die said to Shinya who was still being carry
in his arms.
*
Toshiya stood still, his leg could not move at all although he
really wanted to. Who’s telling me what is going on now?
Remember I am always there for you if you have any problem.
Isn’t this what he had tell me? I thought there is someone finally
care for me other than my lover. Shinya, the drummer of our band. He is such a
nice person and recently, I starts to treat him as a close friend.
I was just about to tell him my problem with Die. He say I could
talk with him anytime if I have any problem that’s why I decides to look for
him today.
Then there he is, kissing and hugging with my lover?
I should have realize it earlier, no one will really care for me,
Shinya had been nice to me because he
want to make up his guilt for stealing my lover?
HATE…….
*
A bitter smile appear at Toshiya’s lips then it began to change to
a hysterically laughter which could only be heard in Toshiya’s mind.
The person I trust wholeheartedly and the person who I feels like
trusting… both of them betrayed me. My lover and my ‘so call friend’…
He would have cry out loud by now but this time, there is no
tears. The only sound that Toshiya could hear now was not his sobbing sound but
a hysterically laughter from nowhere…
Hahahahah….you are just a fool, a fool!!! Wah hahahahahahaha………..
Again, a smile appears on Toshiya’s lips. But this time, it was
rather to be describe as a grin, an evil grin.
Toshiya enter the studio, putting on
his typical seductive smile and greets everyone who is in there. The first one
who greets him back will always be their drummer but not for today.
“ To…to Totchi!!? What happened to your
hair!!?” Shinya give his ever-shocking reaction.
Kaoru heard the ‘unusual’ loud voice of
their drummer, turns and was also stun of what he had saw. Follow by was their
vocalist who had just enter the room, the red head who decides to find out what
his lover was screaming at and the studio assistants.
“ Do I looks
charming?” Toshiya asks with another seductive smile.
“ To…toshiya!!?” The red head was the
most astonish among all as he know how much his ex-lover loves his long blue
hair.
Kaoru finally regain from his daze when
another loud scream strike him. The make-up assistant had just enter the room
and saw his most horrifying scene.
“ TOSHIYA!!” He cried and covers his head with his hands. “ My god! What have
you done to my favorite hair!!?”
The chaos went on for quite some time.
Never did anyone of them would expect the bassist to cut away his beautiful
long hair. No one knows why but they seem to be accepting the new look of their
bassist without any doubt but not for their drummer.
------------------------
“ Shinya, what are you thinking?” Die
asks and paused for a while. “ About Toshiya?”
Shinya looks up when he hears that. He
had expected his lover to know what he is thinking about. He had notice the
stare in the bassist eyes earlier on, a stare that will make him nervous.
“ Do you think… he already know about
our relationship? I mean Toshiya.”
Die stretch his arm out and hug Shinya
on the shoulder. He was also confused over the matter but he believes that
Toshiya does not know about it or the bassist would not be so calm.
But never did he expect that the hate
in his ex-lover had make him changes so much and neither did he expect the
worse situation will be coming up soon.
“ No, I don’t think he knows about it.”
“ Really?”
Maybe I’m just too guilty like what Die had say because I had
snatch Die away from him. Sorry Toshiya!
------------------------
Toshiya stands in
front of the mirror and stare at the image of himself. He touches the mirror
lightly, at the reflection of the scar on his body. A new scar that is healing
and also old scar which will remain forever on his beautiful body.
“ Do you think my body still looks
perfect?” The bassist starts to laugh hysterically at his own reflection. “
Die-kun, my love!”
I cut away my hair because you would not say you love it anymore,
I leave scar on my body because you say my body is perfect. But what I had
suffered now, I will definitely let you enjoy the same, my LOVE!
Hahahaha…
------------------------
Die’s car finally drove away from
Shinya’s apartment not noticing the bassist and it was the moment that the
bassist was waiting for. Toshiya wave goodbye to the leaving car and smile
sweetly at his leaving ‘lover’, then he turns around and enter the apartment.
You must be waiting long for me to tell you my problem, so here I
come Shin-Chan.
The doorbell rang again. Shinya thought
that it might be his lover who had forgotten something so he open the door with
a joking mood waiting for the chance to make fun of him.
“ Good evening, Shin-chan!”
Shinya felt his heart stop pumping at
that moment.
“ Am I really that frightening?”
Toshiya ask with a joking attitude. “ Why are you giving me that horrifying
look?”
“ Toshiya… good… good evening. What are
you doing here?”
Toshiya gaze at the drummer for quite
some time, which really causes the drummer to stand there, froze.
“ I thought you say I can look for you
if I have any problem?” Toshiya said softly with a hurt expression, which was
trying to make Shinya guiltier.
Toshiya plan really did works well as
Shinya become more and more guilty to face him. He invited the bassist into his
house and get him a cup of drink before sitting down in front of Toshiya.
“ So what’s bring you here?” Shinya ask
sensitively.
Good, Shin-chan! Be guiltier and my plan will work faster.
Silent remains for
some time before Shinya hears some sobbing sound and looks up at the bassist.
He was shock to see Toshiya weeping again, the second time in front of him and
he know he is the main cause of Toshiya’s sadness.
“ Toshiya…?”
Without warning, Toshiya fall into
Shinya embrace and cry bitterly in the drummer’s arm. Shinya just hug the
bassist and let him cry until he finally stops.
------------------------
“ Shinya… I’m sorry but I really can’t held it anymore. Die… he does
not love me anymore.” Toshiya starts sobbing again. “ I really does not know
what happened and he just did not tell me the real reason. I…I … “
Sorry, sorry, please forgive me! I
didn’t mean to hurt you so much!
Shinya felt like
crying himself. He just could not forgive himself for causing the miserable of
his bandmate but he also know that he will not give up on Die.
What should I do now?
For no reason, he
hug Toshiya tightly. Maybe I should just accompany you now. In the other hand,
Toshiya lightly wept away the tears on his face and let up a grin.
Fine, fine Shin-chan. I’ll also let you enjoy the ‘fun’ for
betraying me. Hahahahahahaha
------------------------
“ So what’s for
dinner today?”
“ As you wish.”
“ Really? You’re so kind to me!”
Shinya smile as the bassist walk
happily into the living room humming some tune. Shinya had told Die of what
happening that day and also tell his lover that he wish to spent more time with
the bassist in order to make him happier.
Toshiya looks at the drummer and smile.
“ Thank you for accompany me all this
while.”
“ Okay, let’s don’t
think about it any more!” Toshiya said
and grab Shinya’s hand. “ Let’s have some drinks!”
Shinya follows the
bassist to the kitchen and they scan through the refrigerator while taking out
some beer.
“ Look what I have
here, beer!” Toshiya exclaim happily. “ But since when did our dear Shin-chan
starts keeping beer in the fridge?”
Shinya stares at the
bassist with his heart beating wildly.
I can’t tell him
those beer belong to Die.
“ and it’s the same
brand which Die drink.” Toshiya continue and let up a look of sadness.
So for what I had
expect, if Die your lover then you will surely have beer here. This is what I
learn as an EX-LOVER!
Shinya did not say
anything but follow Toshiya into the living room and starts having those beer
to cool down his wildly beating heart. Toshiya grin as the drummer drink can
after can.
------------------------
“ Shinya!
Shin-chan!” Toshiya shake the drummer. “ Don’t sleep here or you get a cold.”
Toshiya was sure
that Shinya was already drunk before he carries him into the bedroom and
places him on the bed. He lay beside the drummer and stroke the fringe away
from the drummer’s face.
“ I won’t be that gentle like what Die had treat you! Shin-chan!”
Toshiya whisper at Shinya and place a kiss on the lip.
Part 3
I want to ruin your
relationship with Die and I just know how to… because you’re feeling guilty
toward me.
Shinya opens his eyes slowly; the
sunlight was too bright for him to continue sleeping. He stares at the ceiling,
then he try to recall what’s going on but in vain. His head hurt like hell and
worse of all, why is my body hurting like hell too?
“ Die?” Shinya pull the blanket away
from his lover, trying to wake him up.
“ Mmm… let me sleep a little longer.”
Shinya’s eyes widen. His heart is
pumping double faster than usual. He turns around slowly and his eyes meet
against the blonde head.
“ TO…TOSHIYA!!?” A scream was let up in
Shinya’s heart.
------------------------
The two bishounen sits facing each
other, speechless.
Shinya looks down on the table all the
while, trying to hide the pain on his body, trying to hide his sadness of
betraying Die, trying to hide his guilt from Toshiya, trying his best to stay
calm.
Toshiya frequently glance at the
drummer, give out an expression of being hurt, giving out an expression of
about to cry but all this was his act.
So Shinya-chan, what will you do now?
Hahaha… I think I might have hurt your body too badly but you deserve it and
you can’t run away from me now! So let our show begin now!!
“ Shinya… I’m, I’m… sorry.” Toshiya
finally speak up. “ I didn’t mean to hurt you like this but I really did not
expect that we’re drunk and…and…”
Without finishing his speech, Toshiya
starts to weep bitterly. Shinya looks at the bassist, he felt lost now, what
have I done?
I suppose to let you feel happy but now
I’m hurting you more… sorry… sorry Toshiya.
“ Toshiya, please don’t cry.” Shinya
move in front of the bassist and hug him tightly. “ It not your fault, we’re
drunk…”
The bassist embraces Shinya tighter and
finishes his show of ‘sobbing bitterly’ but with a grin without the drummer
notice.
“ Shinya… please…please stay with me.”
“ Of course, I will stay with you.”
Shinya answer. But not knowing what the bassist really means. “ So please don’t
cry now.”
“ No, I mean… I mean.”
Shinya stood still, waiting for the
bassist to finish what he wants to say.
“ I mean… after all this while, I felt
that I want to be with you. Not like a friend but something closer.”
“ Toshiya!?”
Toshiya grin again without Shinya
notice, he just love to see the confusion on his bandmate face. Shinya was
stun, what happening now? What’s going on now? Why Toshiya?
“ Shin-chan… don’t take it to heart,
I’m just… just joking.” Toshiya said
but trying to put out a sad expression.
Shinya remain silent, Toshiya waits.
“ Shinya?” The bassist finally broke
the silent. “ Really, I’m just joking! Don’t take it to heart.”
The drummer looks at his friend, the
hurt in his friend’s eyes and this is what he had done so far. He hurt him more
than the beginning.
---------------------------------------------
The practice was finally over after
such a long hours in the studio. With the last note ended, the red head put his
guitar away and leave the room without saying any goodbye to his bandmate.
Shinya stares at the closing door with sadness in his eyes.
Die was frustrated. It does not make
sense to him that why his lover is spending more time with the bassist instead
of him. He know he had agreed to his lover idea in the beginning but now, it
seem that something is going very wrong.
He had think of this problem long ago
about telling the bassist the truth about he and Shinya but it seem that he
could not speak out everytime he wanted to. What am I afraid of? After a long
thought, he took out his cell phone and dial his lover’s number.
“ Moshi Moshi.”
“ Shinya.” Die called when he heard his
lover voice.
“ Die? What’s up?”
“ Listen Shinya!” He paused. “ I’m
going to tell Toshiya about our relationship.”
“ No!! You must not….” Die had hanged
up the phone without letting Shinya finish his sentence.
Shinya stand still, the phone was still
in his hand. What to do now?
Die put his cell phone down and starts
the engine of his car, heading toward Toshiya’s place.
Shinya look at the clock, it late but
why Toshiya have not come?
Toshiya look at the time, Kyo was
coming back. It was time! (to be mention here that Totchi doesn’t know Die’s
coming)
Die parked his car. He look up of the
building where Toshiya and Kyo live, the light was not turn on. They’re not
home?
Kyo enter his apartment, he drop his
belonging at the sofa and head toward the kitchen, which was his ‘daily work’
on returning home.
“ Ouch….!” Kyo exclaim when he trip on
something.
The sound of the ambulance alert Die
from his deep thought. The red head then take another look at the apartment
where he saw the light was on. He get out of the car where he saw Kyo and …….!?
“ Toshiya!?”
The phone rang, Shinya pick it up and
hear his lover voice. Has he told Toshiya? What’s Toshiya reaction? Does he
know about the night where Toshiya and I had sex?
“ Shinya.” The drummer notices the deep
voice from his lover. “ I’m in the hospital with Kyo and Toshiya….”
---------------------------------------------
The drummer sits beside Toshiya who was
still unconscious on the bed. He was really going crazy earlier on when his
lover call him and tell him that the bassist was award to the hospital for over
dosing of sleeping pill.
“ Why do you do this?” Shinya
whispered.
Do you know you’ll be dead if Kyo
didn’t found you on time? Why you did this?
Toshiya opens his eyes slowly; the drummer
was holding on to his hand and laying his head on the bed. He notice it, the
warm feeling from the drummer which he really hope that it will come from Die
when he woke up but he know his wish will never come truth.
I’ll never get what I want now so I’m
going to take yours away too. But why, why I felt like crying?
“ Shinya.” Toshiya
called softly.
The drummer wipe the
tears from his eyes not wanting the bassist to see it, then with a smile on his
face, he turn to Toshiya.
“ Are you alright?
Shall I call for the doctor?”
“ It’s okay, Shinya.”
Both of them went
quiet again before the drummer decides to ask what’s on his mind all this
while. As for the bassist, he knows the moment has come once the drummer asks
him that question.
“ Why you doing this?”
Finally, the question that Toshiya was waiting came out from the drummer.
Toshiya keep quiet
and stare at the drummer.
You’ve asked it!! But why, why I hope
you never ask it. What’s going on with me? I should be happy that I got the
chance for my revenge but why I feeling…
Shinya waits for the
answer.
Nothing comes out
from the bassist.
NO! NO! TOSHIYA!!! Don’t feel bad about
it! This fellow deserves to be punished!
“ I… I…” The bassist
finally speaks up. “ I can’t stand it anymore, the pain, the longing.”
“ What do you mean by
that?”
Pain? Longing?
“ I want you Shinya!”
The drummer was stun.
The worse moment in his life finally strike him.
“ I tries, I’ve tries
to keep my feeling in my heart. I know you does not love me but I really can’t held
it any longer.” Toshiya starts his
‘prepare speech’. “ I always thought that I love Die even until now but after
all this time that I spend with you, I found that you the one I really wanted.”
Shinya remain
silence.
What should I do? Someone please tell
me!
“ I feel pain in my
heart, I’m longing for your love but the expression you gave me that day when I
told you I want to be with you had tell me your answer.” Toshiya paused for a
while. “ The expression of yours had told me that you don’t love me.”
Toshiya pause again.
This time, tears were dripping down his face. The bassist was surprise himself
too, the tears were not part of his act, and it’s for real.
Why should I feel bad? Why should I
feel hurt? Why did I cry?
“ I decides to let my
love die but I can’t. It hurt so much and I can’t stand it anymore.” The
bassist continues. “ I saw the pill so I take it, I know I’m foolish but I just
want to end my misery.”
Shinya had never expected that he was
the cause for the bassist to commit suicide. He was shock, sad and angry with
himself.
“ Shinya, can you give me a chance to
be with you?” The bassist asked suddenly.
“ Toshiya!?”
“ You already have someone you love?”
God! I can’t possibly tell you the one
I love is Die.
“ I… no but…”
“ So you really have one.” The bassist
said sadly.
Shinya fell like dying right now. What
he is doing now is just like jumping deeper and deeper into a hole.
“ No, I don’t have a love one.”
Shinya notice the sudden change of mood
from the bassist. It is so easy to make him happy but what I am doing now is
actually hurting him more and more if he were to realize the truth some day.
Toshiya stretch his hand out and touch
the drummer’s face before moving forward to give the drummer a kiss on the
chin.
“ I love you!”
“ Toshiya… please stop it… please.”
Shinya finally regain his sense and push the bassist away.
It my entire fault! If I didn’t snatch
Die away from you, if I didn’t think so highly of myself that I can make you
happier. But now what have I done? I make you gone through hell again!
“ I don’t want to go through this pain
again. I’ve lost Die once and now I’m making you unhappy.” Toshiya said softly
but loud enough for the drummer to hear. “ Sorry Shinya, I won’t force you
again.”
“ Toshiya…”
“ Let me vanish from this world, I had
enough!”
Shinya stare at the bassist, Toshiya
look back at the drummer who seems shock of what he had say. Toshiya smile,
Shinya pout.
“ I’m joking! Okay, don’t get mad at
me. I promise I won’t take committing suicide as a joke again.”
You’re joking again?
I don’t believe you anymore. What if you do it again and gone forever. I’m the
one who should hold all responsibility. Sorry Die but I have to do this.
“ Don’t you dare to do it again!” The
drummer said after a long thought. “ I don’t want to lose a lover.”
Toshiya stare at the drummer, shock to
hear what he had say.
I success!? I won
Shinya over? Hahahaha… I should be happy but why am I feeling…?
Toshiya notice the look in Shinya’s
eyes, the sadness in his eyes. Why you doing this? You can just ignore me and
enjoy your life with Die but you choose to hold all responsibility.
You such a fool!
Die was happily preparing dinner and waiting for his lover to
arrival. The drummer had call him earlier on saying that he will be coming
over. It had been a week since he last spends his day with the drummer.
And it was entire the bassist fault.
Feeling annoyed suddenly upon remembering this. He just wants his
lover to spend more time with him instead of Toshiya.
But it was our fault
isn’t it Die? We have to make sure Toshiya will be happy before we enjoy our
own happiness.
Die pouted. This is what his lover had told him, he had agreed at
first due to the pleading from Shinya but he never thought that thing will
ended like this. A few months had passed but… when will the bassist be happy?
What if he remains unhappy for his entire life? Do you
intend to accompany him forever?
Shinya stood outside the red head apartment. Having deep thought,
he was in turmoil. How is he going to tell Die? Telling him that he had agreed
to be the bassist’s lover?
Afraid.
Dilemma.
Pain… Sorrow…
It was my retribution.
Die put down the last plate of dish on the table, he look at the
clock then at his watch, making sure that the time is right. He was wandering
what taking his lover so long to reach.
Again, he pulled back his hand when they were about to reach the
doorbell. He just cannot understand since when he had become such a coward to
face the reality? Finally taking a deep breadth, he stretch out his finger
again.
The doorbell rang. Die immediately rush to the door and open it.
His mood lightens up as soon when he saw the drummer. Without waiting for
another minutes, he pulls his lover to the dinning table.
“ You cooked all this?” Shinya asked in surprise.
“ Just for you, my love!”
The lovers sat down to have their dinner. Chatting, laughing just
like any other time when they are together. The smile on the drummer face, the
grin from Die when he make fun of his lover. It was just like the pass, yes
like the pass when they are happily together but this feeling is only what Die
is thinking now.
Shinya was smiling as usual but deep in his heart, he was crying.
The red head is treating him so well, he even cook for him and he know Die is
learning cooking just for him because the red head wants him to eat more so
that he won’t be that skinny.
“ Shinya?” Die called again wondering what he’s lover was thinking
about.
Shinya regain his attention, Die was looking worrying at him. The
drummer take a deep breadth, he know he have to take out all his courage now
before hurting more people or ruining the whole band. But will the band be fine
if I…?
“ Die… actually I …”
The music was loud, peoples were dancing madly at the dance floor,
and some of them were making out at any corner they could find. Pairs and pairs
of lover hugging, kissing, laughing, teasing one another and all these was
making the bassist sick. He had come to the bar an hour ago since Shinya left.
He thought he needs somewhere that is noisy to cure his loneliness but he was
wrong. Maybe some beer will help but still it isn’t working.
He knows what he needs. He needs someone who is willing to
accompany him. Who will that person be? Shinya? Die?
After having a few mug of beer, the bassist was feeling a bit of
tipsy. Instead of feeling much better, he felt worse now. The alcohol was
making him more frustrated. He felt bad, he is feeling worse, and he is feeling
painful, not because of the alcohol but his heart. He felt bad because of what
he had done to Shinya and he felt painful because he was shrugging between what
is right and wrong.
Die should be responsible for all!
Shinya is the one who snatch him away!
But Shinya cares for me. He is not acting, he really care
for me. I can feel it!
Toshiya covered his face with his hands. The question was
shrugging in his head again! He felt like crying, he wants to give up his
revenge, he wants to but why can’t he stop?
“ Someone help me…” He muttered out softly, tears dripping down
his chin.
“ Toshiya?”
The bassist’s heart skips a bit when he felt someone tapping on
his shoulder and calling his name. He quickly wipes his tears away and turn to
face that person who he already knows who is it from the voice.
“ Kaoru-san.”
The leader takes a sit beside the bassist and orders a mug of
beer. He had noticed the bassist’s eyes, he knows Toshiya had been crying but
he decides not to ask anything. He remember the red head telling him that he
had broke up with the bassist so Kaoru assumed that it must have something
related to the red head.
“ You’re alone?” Toshiya asked, trying to find a topic to talk
about.
“ Not until just now.” Kaoru answer, feeling relax as the quiet
atmosphere finally breaks down. “ I’ve been throw behind by Die just now after
he receives a call from don’t know whoever.”
The leader tensed up, realizing what he had mentioned just now. He
notice the bassist quieting down again. Toshiya stared at his mug of beer, he
know whom that person who called Die.
“ YOU WHAT!?” Die exclaimed.
Shinya took a few steps backward and stared at his lover. The red
head look so frightening now that drummer was afraid he might dash to the
bassist’s apartment and killed him. Instead of what the drummer was thinking,
Die took a deep breadth and order Shinya to sits down followed by him. He
lowered his voice noticing that his lover looks frighten.
“ Shinya, you can’t do this. What do you think I dump Toshiya for?
Because I wants to be with you and now you telling me you’re going to be his
lover until he found someone he really love!?”
“ I know but it all my fault so I …”
“ So you decides it without discussing with me.”
The drummer looks confused now. He understands what his lover was
trying to say but he had promised the bassist and he does not want the bassist
to get hurt again. Shinya clutched his hands; he had make the promised and he
does not want to break it.
“ Sorry Die, but I have decides to follow what I had promised
Toshiya.”
The red head narrowed his eyes.
The drummer keeps quiet.
“ FINE! Then do whatever you want!” Die speaks up suddenly and
walks into his room slamming the door behind him.
“ Die…”
He’s angry, of
course he will. Stupid Shinya, you deserve to be treated like that.
Shinya tried to stop his tears from dropping but failed. He
cleared the dishes on the table, the dishes that his lover had cooked for him,
the dishes that shows him how much Die love him. Now he had hurt two people
instead of one.
Toshiya!! Yes,
you’re the main causes and I had to settle the problem by myself before that
silly Shinya do something foolish.
Kaoru opened his eyes and stared around at the unfamiliar
environment. This is not his bedroom neither is it a familiar one, so where am
I? The person who is sleeping beside him stirred his body and brings him back
to attention. He stared at that person, his eyes widen and he sits up
instantaneously.
“ Great…!” Kaoru mumble.
Toshiya was sleeping soundly beside Kaoru. Maybe he could feel
someone sleeping beside him or maybe he had not been sleeping well since he
broke up with Die. How comfortable it was to have someone accompanying him, it
just feel so good. Toshiya stirred his body closer to that person, he wanted to
feel the warm from that person. It had been a long time since and he had almost
forgot how nice it was to have someone beside him.
“ Great…!” Kaoru mumbled, looking at the sleeping bassist beside
him. “ Now I’m sleeping with my friend ex-lover!?”
Kaoru slowly stands up from the bed not wanting to wakes the
bassist up so that he could sneak away, maybe!? He thought maybe the bassist
wouldn’t know who the person was and he could save all sort of trouble to
explain anything. Softly, Kaoru puts on his clothes and left the hotel room
leaving the sleeping bassist behind.
Toshiya woke up from his dream; he was sweating all over. A moment
ago, he felt so comfortable, dreaming of Die hugging and kissing him and the
very next moment, Die push him away and left him behind. He was left all alone
again and it was so frightening. Toshiya sits up from the bed, he hug his long
leg and rest his head on the knee.
Tears were dripping down his smooth cheek. He looks around the
room; it was so empty and so cold. Where’s the warm had gone, please don’t
leave me alone here! But he knows he had come back to reality, the cruel
reality.
“ All of you are the same… treating me like a slut. Sleep with me,
enjoy my body and left me!” The strong hatred rises again.
Toshiya narrow his eyes, he get down the bed and have a shower
before leaving the hotel. So many times he wanted to give up his revenge but
this thought no longer exist in his mind at this moment now.
that fucking Die…
and I won’t forget you too…
Kaoru!!
The studio was unusually quiet today. Kyo has fallen asleep on the
table; Kaoru was busy with his composing, Die was ‘busy’ smoking, Shinya was
concentrating on his drum set and Toshiya was trying his best to keep clam
before he ruin his chance to get revenge. All of them seem busy but in their
mind, they are all thinking about their personal affair except for their
vocalist who is really sleeping.
Kaoru was anxious or may as well say he is feeling guilt. He dared
not look at the bassist, he is afraid that Toshiya will know that person is
him. He didn’t know why he is feeling afraid, maybe he thought it will be
troublesome to give any explanation nor did he wants the red head to know he
had sleep with the bassist. But why he’s doing this? He already know Die and
Toshiya had broke up… maybe I’m selfish!
Shinya secretly take a glance at the red head then to the bassist.
Now their relationship was in a mess and all this was his fault. He had agreed
to be Toshiya’s lover but his heart was with Die. Die getting mad at him for
his decision and ignored him. Toshiya starts to behave like his lover, touching
and kissing him whenever he feels like it.
Die’s mood changes from bad to worse and he starts to smoke
continually even though he knows the drummer dislike it. He had saw Shinya and
Toshiya kissing in the studio earlier on when no one is around. He would have
dash into the room and whack the bassist up but he didn’t because he knows this
will only upset the drummer even more.
Shinya was sitting in the room alone thinking of his problem with
Die and Toshiya while the others had gone out for lunch. Die had gone out with
Kyo, the bassist and their leader was also out but of course not together. He
felt so frustrated now, he wants to talk to the red head but he know once they
talk, the topic will automatically turn to the bassist and they would end up
quarreling again.
Now he is regret. Maybe what the red head said is right, he should
not agree to the bassist’s request. He is lying to the bassist again, he don’t
love him but had agreed to be the bassist’s lover. What will happen to the
bassist if he happened to tell him the truth that he don’t love him, he only
agreed to be his lover because he want to put up his guilt.
Tears were forming in the drummer’s eyes. He didn’t expected his
decision might hurt the bassist even worse, now he had think of it but it was
too late. He can’t possibly walk to the bassist and tell him the truth. Now he
is struck, he can’t take a step forward or backward because either of them will
hurt the bassist.
“ Shin-chan.”
Shinya quickly wipe away the tear that is already dripping down
from his cheek when he heard someone calling him. He turns around to the
direction of the door where the voice came from and saw the bassist standing
there looking at him.
“ Are you alright?” The bassist asked while waking toward the
drummer.
“ I’m alright…” Shinya nod his head. “ Why are you back so fast?”
“ I bought you some food, I don’t believe you’re not hungry.
Aren’t you?” Toshiya said with a smile and open out the food for his ‘lover’.
“ You specially bought this back for me?”
Toshiya nod his head and take a sit in front of the drummer. They
ate the food together, talking sometime but were almost quiet. Toshiya was
concentrating on his food as what the drummer had thought. Shinya secretly take
a few glance at the bassist while they were eating, he thought how wonderful it
will be if he hasn’t snatch Die away from him. Maybe now he and Toshiya will
become really good friend, friend who is honest to one another.
Kaoru walks to the studio slowly; he had bought back some food for
the drummer. Actually, he decides to discuss his problem with the drummer. He
believed that Shinya would be the right person whom he can tell his problem to
and of course the drummer might give him some advise on what he should do.
Although Shinya is the youngest members of the band, he is also the one who is
more mature than anyone of them and this is what Kaoru had thought.
Kaoru narrows his eyes. He was standing outside the studio where
he heard peoples talking inside. He thought he is back early and didn’t expect
the others to be back also. Now he missed his chance to talk to the drummer,
maybe later he thought. He was about to enter the studio when he heard Toshiya
name begins called. He stopped automatically.
“ Toshiya, please don’t…” Shinya pled.
The drummer was pushing the bassist away when the bassist wants to
further their ‘action’. Toshiya was lying on top of the drummer, trying to
unbutton his blouse. Shinya didn’t want to have sex especially when the other
half is not the one he loves and further on, he can’t possibly have it in the
studio. He can’t held to see the sadness in the bassist’s eyes when he reject
the bassist kiss but he didn’t expect the bassist to further his action.
“ Why Shinya? You don’t love me?”
“ No but…”
Shinya wanted to stop Toshiya but he did not finish his sentences.
His heartache, his guilt rises again. The bassist’s eyes had reddened and tears
were forming around those beautiful eyes.
“ Not here please Toshiya.”
“ You’re shy don’t you?” Toshiya said and get up of the drummer. “
Sorry Shinya, I don’t mean to force you.”
“ It alright Toshiya. Please don’t cry.” Shinya said and wipe the
tear that is dripping down Toshiya’s cheek away. “ I love you…”
“ I love you too!” Toshiya reply coldly as the drummer didn’t see
his expression.
Kaoru was still standing outside the room. He had heard everything
the drummer and bassist had said. Suddenly he felt relief because he had not
told the drummer about his problem. And now he doesn’t understand what is
happening.
But what’s going on with Shinya? What is he doing with Toshiya?
What’s their relationship?
Lover, ex-lover, friend and what about me…!?