By Tsmrhara
Part 1
Two years passed, where have you been?
Every night, I dream of you. Wishing that you would be standing in
front of me the very next day the moment I opened my eyes but my wish did not come
truth. Two years, it does not seem very long but to me, it was eternity. As
times passed, my yearning for you reduces but my love for you will never!
I never think of getting married, I did not even have a regular
lover but I never been with a man until the day I meet you. Everyone who knows
me know that I am a super playboy, my longest time being with a woman only last
for two month. If I were to tell them that I had fallen in love with a man, the
only result I get will be getting fanatical laughing from them.
Maybe this is my retribution for hurting so many women.
I was only twenty-three years old when I start getting tired of
lover. I know they never love me; the only thing they love is the envy look
they get from others when they are with me. At my age, I was already kind of
rich although I may not be prefect but do have 99% if rated my appearance.
Slowly, I begin sick of my lover and within a short period, I have them all
kick out away from me.
17 Feb, on my birthday that year.
A few of my buddies gave me a birthday present. It supposed to be
a joked they played on me but it had turned up to be something that changes my
life. Till now I never blamed them as if not because of them, I may never get
to know him.
“ Kaoru Happy Birthday!!”
“ Thanks you!” I simply smiled.
I never like party like that as it was too troublesome and tiring
but I know they are trying to cheer me up. My mood was extremely bad this few
months, mainly because of my love affair.
“ This is our present.” Die exclaimed.
I looked at Die; there is nothing in both his hands. Taking a
short glance around, I still did not see any present. It not that I’m eager to
see the gift but it just my curiosity to know what they would gave me. I
continue looking around for the next few seconds until my eyesight stop at this
person.
What a beauty! It was the first thing that comes across my mind. I
wouldn’t forget a beauty like her if I know her! The second thought in me. At
the same time, I had notice the worried and fear expression in her eyes.
Die was the first one to break my thought. “ This is our present!”
He says and point to that beauty.
“ What!!?”
Seem that the beauty was teach to do so when she walks to me and introduce
her-self. “ I’m Toshiya. Happy Birthday to you!” She speaks softly without
looking directly into my eyes.
“ I Kaoru…” It was a direct respond of me.
Die starts grinning. He knows what is in my mind now. This beauty
is just my type of woman!
During the party, Die tells me that he had pay Toshiya a sums of
money and she will be giving her first night to me. From what Die told me,
Toshiya needed money urgently and was willing to sell her body. It was her
first time to what she had told Die but it seem rather unbelievable to me. But
I don’t care whether is it her first time, the only thing I know now was she is
making me turn on!
After the party, it was finally time for me to cool my now damn
hot body. During the travel to the hotel, Toshiya was rather quiet, the only
thing I know about her was that she was a university student.
When we reach the hotel, I bring her to the room that was on a
long-term rental by me. The moment we enter the room, Toshiya starts to get
more nervous from her tense reaction. Maybe it was really her first time? But
this thought immediately wiped off my mind, how could I believe?
She was sitting on the bed when I came out of the bathroom. The
nervous look she had is making me more longing for her now. I can felt my manhood
having slightly reaction.
“ Wants to take a bath?” I asked trying to make her relax.
She shakes her head slightly.
I slowly walk to her and sit beside her, a hand on her shoulder
pulling her nearer to me. I could feel her pulling back a little but then I
hold her tighter and place a kiss on her soft lips. It felt great and I
strengthen my kiss, she sit still obeying until I wanted to slip my tongue into
her mouth that I felt a strong push from her.
“ What’s wrong?” I start to get impatient.
“ I’m… I’m sorry but I can’t!”
This was really making me crazy. My body had already turned on, my
manhood was semi harden and now she telling me she does not want! I was
starting losing my mind and trying to play hard on her. I grab her and throw
her to the bed, forcing my body on top of her to prevent her from moving.
“ You are being pay and should do what you have promise!” My voice
was stern.
“ Please…”
She pleads but I ignored her. I start placing kiss on her when she
yelled. “ I’m A MAN!!”
The fire in my body extinguish within a second. I stop my action
and get up of ‘her’. Toshiya was now
weeping softly but he manages to sit up. What’s the FXXK going on!?
I did not lose my anger and he starts explaining everything to me.
He did needed money urgently and was willingly to sell his body, it was when
Die approach him and get to know his reason. Die immediately think of making
fun of me so he pay Toshiya and told him what he should do. As for Toshiya, he
know he just need to follow instruction but at the last moment he does not want
to lie to me so he stopped me.
I laugh after hearing what he had say. Toshiya was confused but he
just sits unmoved staring at me.
“ Kaoru-san… are you alright?” He asked concern.
I did not answer him but keeps on laughing until I hear him
sobbing again. “ Am I too much? I know I shouldn’t accept Die-san order and now
I’m making you angry on your birthday! I’m so sorry!” Toshiya muttered.
Toshiya must have think that I mad at him but indeed I found him
cute! He is just too honest and was a crybaby but it was the same time I have a
new feeling growing inside me, I want to protect this fool…
I touch his face lightly, wiping the tears on his face away.
Toshiya was still sobbing but when I hold his face up, he starts blushing.
Gosh… this man was cute! “ Shh don’t cry anymore.” I whisper to him.
He did not stop instead he burst out crying. “ I’m… I’m sorry!”
Toshiya was trying hard to say out the sentence.
This was the first time I realize what love is. It doesn’t matter
whether the person is a man or woman, when love come it just come! It just
could not be stop!
I place my hand on the still crying Toshiya’s face. Suddenly I
pinch his face causing him to shriek a bit then he stare confusedly at me. “
Kaoru-san??”
“ That’s fair now! You play trick on me and now you have pay back.
So don’t cry anymore.” I smile at him.
Toshiya finally smile back.
Sweet Toshiya…
I’m in love…
And it was love at first sight!
Later that night, we chat, then Toshiya did do his job as what he
was being pay. It was also my first time with a man but I know what should I
do. I never know sex with a man will feel so great although I never enter into
him, it was still too earlier to do that but already it felt great. I was the
one who teach Toshiya what to do; we have oral sex that night.
Next morning, Toshiya was staring at me when I opened my eyes. He
blushed when I look at him then he smiles at me. “ Good morning Kaoru-san!” He
greeted.
“ Ohayo!”
We have breakfast together before I need to rush back to work. I
offer to send him back to the university but he rejected me. He knows I’m in
hurry but before we walk out of the room, he asked me something. “ Can we meet
again?” He blushed.
I give him a smile to represent my answer.
++
Two weeks passed, I did not contact Toshiya neither did he.
That day when I return to the office, Die was the first one
approaches me. The grin on his face was obvious. I try to ignore him; I do not
want him to know that I had fallen in love with Toshiya. How could I tell him
this? Never!!
“ So how’s Miss Toshiya?” Die was grinning more.
“ FXXK YOU!!”
Pretending to be angry at Die but indeed I want to thanks him
because I had got to know Toshiya but later in our conversation, I thought I was
being trick again. Maybe this is another trick from Die? Letting me fall in
love with Toshiya? Toshiya was pretending all along?
Toshiya told me he meets Die on the street but to what Die had
say, he had meet Toshiya in the pub. Toshiya was working in the pub? That mean
he had been lying to me. I never want to find out the truth, I just try to
ignore it because it hurt me, the first time I felt being hurt.
My phone rang again, the number on the display screen belong to
Toshiya. It was the second time he had calls me since these two weeks. I dare
not listen; I do not want to hear another lie from him. Why should it be him?
Die enters the room, noticing that I did not answer the phone, he
answers for me. I was in no time to stop him. “ Moshi Moshi!” He answered.
Few second later he look at me and I shake my head. “ Kaoru not in
at this moment! Want to leave back any message?” Die speaks again.
When he hangs up the phone, a grin was spot on his face. “ Toshiya
still contacting you?” He asked.
“ What did he say?”
“ Nothing, he just leave down his name and ask you to contact him
but he seem disappointed when I say you’re not in.” Die said jokingly.
I remained silent.
“ Well it rather rare to find guy like Toshiya now. He is so
innocent and…” Die was muttering about Toshiya and I just keep quiet and listen
to him.
A while later, seem that Die had spoke something that attract my
attention.
“ What you say just now?” I exclaimed.
Great! After Die had explained, I realize I was wrong about Toshiya.
Die was trying to make me feel better so he just say Toshiya was some type of
loses person working in a pub and was willing to do anything for money. In
reality, what Toshiya had said is the real thing. He indeed meet Die on the
street and…
That night I could not sleep. I was wrong about Toshiya!
Weeks passed, I wanted so much to contact Toshiya but I was scare,
as I know once I dial the number, I will fall into something that would ruin my
future. I admit I love Toshiya but what about him? What will happen in the
future? I can’t afford to make a wrong step now…
Ring… ring… ring…
I was brought back to reality by the phone. I looked at it… I
smile … maybe it was fate…
“ Hello!” I answered. “ Toshiya…”
That’s the start of our relationship! Eight years ago…
The second meeting with Toshiya was two days after the phone call;
I bring him to some kind of club that only allow members to enter. It seem that
it was the first time he had come to such places, he was enjoying himself like
a child. I can still remember his laughter till now, that day we enjoy
ourselves a lots and it had become one of our greatest memory.
The same night, I bring him to the room reserves by me earlier on.
Toshiya did not reject my invitation; it was obvious what I wanted but he just
follow me. As soon as we enter the room, we start kissing vigorously, just like
we had not done it for century.
It was only the second time and I do not wish to frighten Toshiya,
just like the first time, I did not enter into him. I want him to be well
prepared before I do it to him. I love him and I want him to know, I want our
‘real’ first time to be a memorable day to both of us.
After we finish, we lay on the bed chatting. Toshiya was close to me,
I embrace him with one arm and the other arm wondering around his beautiful
body. I told him about the misunderstood I have about him, he was not angry
indeed he was happy that I care for him.
Our relationship just goes on like that until few months passed. I
did not know why but I start to avoid Toshiya, maybe I really can’t get along
with the same lover for a long time even it a man? I was not sure at that
moment but it really making me frustrated, it was unlike other time when I get
sick of my other lover. I just don’t understand why?
It was Die who makes me realize why I behaving like that, and that
have made me feel childish. The reason was because Toshiya never told me he
love me although neither did I had told him that.
Die had got to know my relationship with Toshiya a month ago, his
first reaction was shock then just like what I had expect, he was laughing like
mad. He was also the first one to give me his support, he often like to make
fun of me but I know he care for me. The reason he give me his support was
because he had never see me getting so serious on anyone except for Toshiya.
It was good for you if you can care for other that much… This is
what Die had said to me!
Sometime I had been wondering what is my relationship with Toshiya.
We never tell each other our truth feeling. It was obvious till now that I do
love him but will Toshiya think the same as I did? Or is it that he only plays
along with me? I always believe he is serious in our affiliation, he never look
into the wealth I have neither did he take the money I gave him, does that mean
he is serious?
One month I did not contact Toshiya, I was waiting for him to
contact me but he did not. I was anxious then…
Die told me Toshiya was working at the 24 hours supermarket down
the street near his hostel. Gosh… the next moment I realize, I was already
standing in front of that supermarket staring inside looking for that familiar
figure.
Toshiya saw me and came running out of his working place. “ Kaoru…
what make you here?” This is our first conversation after a month.
I stared at this guy in front of me and heart soften, never mind I
thought, even he did not tell me he love me but I know what’s in my heart. “
Thinking of you!” I answered.
Toshiya face becomes crimson.
“ Me too…”
Maybe this is the way Toshiya telling me he love me.
That night we have a ‘fierce battle’ after so long of loneliness.
Toshiya lay with his back facing me while watching the video. I
was busy exploring his naked body; it was still as beautiful as before. My
finger moves in front of Toshiya and go round his nipple. He ignored me. I
start placing kissing on his back but still he ignored me.
I pouted.
Toshiya continue his show.
I lowered my finger slowly down Toshiya’s back then I stop at his
buttock. I wet my finger with the semen we have give out earlier on, finding
his entrance I slowly insert it into Toshiya. Toshiya’s body shaken a bit, he
wanted to turn around but I stop him.
“ Pain?” I asked.
Toshiya shake his head a bit with his back still facing me. I
slowly withdraw my finger, again I wet another finger and insert two fingers
this time. I start stretching his hole slowly enjoying the sound Toshiya is
giving out.
After a while, I decide it was time for me to try with my manhood.
I took out the lubricating oil apply some on my erected manhood and some on
Toshiya entrance. I hold my manhood and place it at the entrance but due to the
position Toshiya is having, I was unsuccessful for a few times.
“ Kaoru??” Toshiya called innocently wondering what was holding me
back.
My body was getting hot now; I pull Toshiya up and ask him to knee
on the bed bending his body down. This is the easiest position for gay to do it
as what I know although it looks a bit cheap.
Toshiya followed as what I had told him.
I stood behind him, and with the help of my hand, I successfully
enter into him. I could hear Toshiya’s heart pounding the moment I enter into
him but he did not give out any sound. He was clutching his finger tightly to
the bed sheet. This is the first time I enter a man’s body but it was like
heaven. It was so tight.
“ Can I start moving?” I whisper to Toshiya.
I start moving slowly, I was afraid I may hurt Toshiya but the sensation
was driving me crazy. I start losing my control and move faster and faster,
this time I could hear Toshiya calling out as he clutch his finger tighter to
the bed sheet. Tears drip down his beautiful face. I was using my hand to help
Toshiya release and soon, I could feel both of us was coming.
“ Ah…” I let out a yelled and I explode inside Toshiya, the same
time my hand was also fill with Toshiya’s.
Unlike other time, I did not fall asleep but I hold Toshiya in my
arm and comfort him just like after you did it with a woman. His heart was
still pounding fast when I hold him nearer to me.
“ Very painful?” I asked with concern.
“ A bit.” He whisper then he turn his body facing me.
I start kissing him making him feel comfortable. I hug him closely
and do whatever that makes him feel good. “ It was great Totchi, I love you!” I
finally tell him.
He had fallen asleep when I realize, I am not sure did he hear
what I said but well…
Part 2
My relationship with Toshiya was going on fine, but when I came to
realize, I find that we did not talk about his university life and my work.
Although we meet often for our date but all we did the most was having sex. I
never really want to get into his life but I was somehow curious why Toshiya
was always in the need of money and he would never use mine, he had rather go
to work and earn the money. I asked him a few time and finally get to know that
he had lent the money to his friend. Now, I was wondering what kind of friend
is that person to make Toshiya worry so much for him, maybe I was jealous but I
did not let Toshiya know about it.
I wanted to find out who this person really is, therefore I use
the chance to sent Toshiya back to his hostel to see whether can I meet that
person, but after so many times, I still have not seem that person while
Toshiya had seem to notice that I had some kind of motive for sending him back.
Finally that day for the first time of our two-year relationship, Toshiya and I
had a quarrel and it was also the same day I saw that person.
“ Toshiya listen to me.” I wanted to stop him from getting out of
the car but end up getting a slap from him. He was so angry with me for not
believing him and suspecting him for having another affair. I know I should
believe him and I do believe that Toshiya was not this kind of person but it
was just my jealousy that brought me here to find out about that person whom
Toshiya care so much for.
We
were struggling inside the car when someone interrupts us by knocking on the
car window. Toshiya use this chance to shake off my hand and get off my car,
and the person outside the car seem to know Toshiya then I finally heard
Toshiya calling his name as Kyo, so this is the person I was longing to meet
all the while.
“
Toshiya.” I call but he ignores me and pulls that Kyo into the hostel without
looking back.
For a
month, Toshiya refuse to see me. I had went to his hostel for a few time but
did not manage to see Toshiya, instead I sees Kyo for a few time. Kyo did not
say anything to me at first, he just walk passed me and went into the hostel
but today he stopped and speak to me.
“ Are
you Kaoru?”
We
went to a nearby café and order two cups of coffee as Kyo began to talk. From
the conversation, I finally know that why Toshiya was so concern of this
roommate of his. Kyo was not only a roommate and the only friend of Toshiya in the
university; he was also a stepbrother to Toshiya.
Toshiya
came from a poor family consisting of his mother and him. His mother never
treats him well, always beating him up causing Toshiya to have a lonely
character in his youth day even till now therefore he had no friend at all. It
was then his mother re-married to Kyo father but Toshiya ill treatment from his
mother never end and worse of all, Kyo father had join his wife in the action.
It was then Kyo stand up for Toshiya for the first time, ending Toshiya
suffered.
Few
years passed from then and Toshiya mother had passed away from illness. It was
also the same year Toshiya enter the university and they became roommate where
Kyo had even attempt to fail his grade in order to stay with Toshiya in the
first year of university. Kyo father in the other hand had run away from a load
of debt leaving behind for Kyo to pay off and this had explained why Toshiya
needed money so often.
I
never know this entire thing if it wasn’t Kyo had told me, I hated myself so
much for not being caring enough for Toshiya. For two years of relationship
with Toshiya, I never asked him about his life or anything. I did not help him
when he needed help and worse of all; I still cause him to get angry.
I’m
so sorry Toshiya, so sorry…
“ I
did not approval your relationship with Toshiya.” Kyo speaks suddenly. “ I had
tell you this because I don’t want to see Toshiya getting so depress this day,
please clear your misunderstood with him or whatever, Mr. Niikura.”
I am
surprise that Toshiya had told his brother our relationship and that doesn’t
mean he had treated our relation seriously? I was wrong with Toshiya and all I
want to do now is to embrace Toshiya tightly and tell him how sorry I am but…
“ I want to but you see Toshiya doesn’t want
to see me so can you…”
Kyo
had agreed to help me up and I am grateful to him but I did not expect him to
tell me this. “ I don’t want to hide it from you that I was also in love with
Toshiya and it had been a longer time than you. You will be my rival from now
on.”
“ But
then why did you help me up?” I was so confuse of this man.
“ I
love Toshiya and I do whatever to make him happy even he choose to be with you
in the end.”
I was
taken aback from what Kyo had said and was so ashamed of myself, I cannot even
be used to compare with Kyo, I understand clearly but I would never give
Toshiya up. “ Thank you.” I was really grateful with Kyo.
“ By
the way, Toshiya doesn’t know how I feel for him so please don’t tell him about
it. I don’t want to add some more trouble to him now.” Kyo left after leaving
down these words.
I
believe Kyo would be a great rival to me.
After
a few day, I finally get to meet Toshiya and we had clear up our misunderstood with
Toshiya accepting my apologize. From then on, I did not see Kyo anymore and I
was wondering what Toshiya would do if he know how Kyo feel for him.
Our
relationship was getting more like a normal couple as time passed. We would
sometime quarrel over small thing but it did not really affect our love until
Toshiya had finish his university. He had starts his first job as a designer in
a big firm and was putting most of his time on his work than with me and this
had causes our relationship to cold down.
Everytime
Toshiya would bring back a load of work and would immediately go into his room
after his dinner to do his job. We were now living together but our time spent
together seem to be lesser than the time when we did not live together. Now and
then we would quarrel over the matter regarding of his work and everytime after
the quarrel, he will agreed to stop bringing his job back but soon he repeat it
again.
I was
feeling tired now, wondering was his work more important than me. I never asked
him about it because I was afraid to know the answer, I was afraid that we
might end our relationship if he were to said yes to me because I know I could
not bear with it anymore if I heard this answer from him.
My
mood was getting worse even when I was in the office and Die seem to have
notice it. I told him about my problem and his word seem to enlighten me, he
had remind me that Toshiya had just get into his job and it was the time when
he would want to prove his ability and I should have support him instead of
arguing with him.
I
decided to give Toshiya some more time for his work, therefore I concentrate on
my own business and we would be with each other the whole day on weekend
without talking about the job. This situation seem to work in the beginning as
we did not quarrel over job problem but it does not last long as I found that
it wasn’t enough for me, I cannot understand why we should have such
restriction, after all we are living together.
Hence,
I start to go home late and soon I began to spend out overnight. We ended up
having a big argument and I had started wondering was there really no
everlasting loved? Would I have the same ending like my other past relationship
with my other girlfriend, only that this relationship had last for four years!
I start
spending my night at different pub and get to different woman, spending night
with different woman each night. I did not know what would happen to Toshiya
and me if he gets to know about it.
Break
up?
I
laughed everytime I think of this. Would he really care about breaking up with
me now?
I was
sitting at the pub alone as usual; today Die did not come with me. I was
looking around in search of my new target but no woman had attracted my
attention and as I began to felt bored, I notice this particular person sitting
at the other corner who is wearing a long black coat with long wavy hair.
A man?
A woman?
This
person seems to interest me. Within a second, I was already sitting beside that
person trying to chat with him or her. “ Hi, alone?” I asked.
I was
eventually ignored as the person walks away without saying a word. This is the
first time someone walks away from me like that and this had light on my sprit
of battle.
That night
I went home early to find Toshiya was waiting for me in the living room and was
properly too tired as he was sleeping on the sofa in sitting position. I felt
guilty somehow upon thinking of how many women I had spent my night with till
now. I lightly carry him to the bedroom and put him on the bed, covering a
blanket over him.
“
Kaoru…” Toshiya call in his dream, I stopped and place a kiss on his forehead.
Why
do we have to quarrel so often nowadays, how I wish we could go back to the
past…
Thinking
that our relationship would be better after we decided to have a talk, knowing
that we could not let our cold battle to go on any longer as it had been half a
year till now. It truth that thing start to work out and Toshiya had even plan
to take a day off on my birthday that is coming soon.
Hence
I was looking forward to that day to come, 17 Feb.
I
still visit the pub often, as I do not want to go home early and ended up
disturbing Toshiya but I did not touch any of the women in the pub, all I did
was pulling Die with me and we would drink and talk about our business. I still
see that mysterious person often but it did not interest me anymore, as the
only thing in my mind was how am I going to spend my day with Toshiya on my
birthday.
Frequently
I would see that mysterious person looking at me then he or she would leave the
pub with different man everytime. Was she selling her body? I had now assumed
that this person is a she.
~ 16
Feb
Toshiya
called me in my office. “ I cannot make it on your birthday as my company had
sent me to a two day trip and had to leave early in the morning on 17 Feb. I’m
really sorry but the trip is important and can’t be delay.”
I did
not mutter a word when I heard what Toshiya had say. What does he mean with
just a sorry and ruin my whole plan. What does he mean that the trip is
important, so my birthday was actually nothing to him?
“ But
Kaoru I can…”
“
Forget it!” I exclaimed and hang up the phone, not allowing Toshiya to finish
what he wants to say.
I was
damn upset that day.
I
approach the mysterious woman that day again when I saw her in the pub. This
time she finally talks to me and apologize to me for ignoring me that day when
I approaches her as she had just break up with her boyfriend. It was why she was
always looking at me as she was trying to find a chance to apologize to me.
“ So
nice to meet you, Kaoru-san.” He introduces himself to me where I get to know
that she is actually a he. “ I’m Shinya.”
I was
so surprise to know another beautiful looking man other than Toshiya. Shinya
let me remember of Toshiya, remembering of the time where I first see Toshiya
at my birthday party and this make me upset again. I grumble to Shinya the
whole night about my relationship with my lover and he was listening to me
patiently. I had actually ignored the call from my mobile, as I know it was
Toshiya.
I had
sex with Shinya that night, though I did not have sex with another man other
than Toshiya but I did not feel any discomfort and seem to enjoy it with him.
We chat for a long time after we finish our ‘job’ and soon both of us fallen
asleep until someone knock on the door.
Shinya
went to get the door. “ Who are you looking for?” I heard him asking.
I did
not hear any reply form the person and a while later, Shinya had return with a
box in his hand. “ It a birthday cake I think.” Shinya spoke happily. “ It your
birthday?”
I
didn’t know the hotel had provide this service but well since they had sent me
one, I should just ate it. I open the box and looked at the cake, it written: ‘
Happy Birthday Kaoru’. I was wondering why the hotel staff was so rude to just
written my name on it.
“ See
Kaoru-san, there a card.” Shinya gave the card to me and I opened it up to have
a look.
~ To: Kaoru
Happy
Birthday my love!
From:
Toshiya~
I
regret that I did not allow him to finish what he want to said at first, I
hated myself for not listening to his call later during the whole day or I
would have know that Toshiya had actually apply for his leave a day earlier to
have an advance celebration with me. He had been looking for me the whole day
and actually find me with another man.
This
incident had did a great impact to our relationship, although we did not break
up that time and I did not contact Shinya anymore but our argument had
increased from bad to worse.
During
the sixth year of our relationship, everything changes. We finally end our
relationship when I decided to get marry with a woman. This woman can help me in
my business, my families member like her and most of all, I want to end the
rumors that is spreading within this year about me being gay.
I
thought I would never be regret for ending our relationship. I have enough of
the daily quarrel with Toshiya, it was really too much for me and I believe
that ending this relationship will gain both of us.
The
only unexpected thing to me was during the day when we talk about breaking up.
I was the one who broke into tears and Toshiya was the one who comfort me.
Toshiya
told me that he had expected this day to come soon when the rumors had spread
out, only that it still last for a year before they really break up.
“
Though we have been quarreling all this way but it was really a happy thing to
know you. I won’t be regret for being with you this six years.” This is what
Toshiya had told me in the end. “ Wish you all the best in everything and
congratulation for your wedding.”
“ Thank you.” The last thing I said to him before I left the house
that we use to live together as this apartment was my gift for Toshiya and I
had decide to leave it to him with the car.
~Feeling
of Blue ~ a side story
Six
years and we just end up our relationship like that. I thought it was just an
easy task to me about breaking up with Kaoru, it was just the two of use
becoming friend again, not living together again, would not have sex again,
would not quarrel again but this is absolutely wrong, I knew it. The moment
when Kaoru take out the suggestion, I could feel my heart was like being stab,
it was so painful but I did not cry in front of him because I wanted him to
know that I was no longer that crybaby he uses to know.
Kaoru
was the one who broke into tears and I comfort him. “ I won’t be regret.” I
told him this but it wasn’t true as I had already felt regret when the moment
he left the apartment we used to share.
“ Goodbye.”
I am not sure how long this goodbye would goes on before I could get to see him
again and what should I said to him the next time when I get to see him? Would
the two of us smile to each other or would we just walk passed each other, just
like stranger?
I sat
on the sofa, glancing at the door. I thought Kaoru would return and we would
hug together, everything would be just like a dream and we would be together
again just like the pass when we used to quarrel and ask for break up but
everytime we would reconcile soon.
This
time he did not return.
[Don’t
cry Kaoru, I’ll be alright.] Why are you crying when I should be the one? You
are the one who ask for break up, if you love me so much then why should you do
so?
‘ I
won’t be regret. ‘
‘ I won’t
be regret.’
‘ I
won’t be regret.’
I
would not cry; I am a strong man now. I keep telling myself this, I keep
telling myself that I will not regret but my tears had betray me. I did not
move from the sofa for the whole night and for another day until someone enters
the door.
“ You
are really here, I so worry for you Toshiya.”
“
Kyo.” I muttered his name.
Three
month later, Kaoru get married with that woman. He did not send me any
invitation card or he might have sent me one but I did not receive it because I
am not living in that apartment anymore. I left with Kyo that day when he came
to look for me. All I left behind in that apartment was the apartment key, the
car that Kaoru gave me, and the apartment contract.
I
thought my misery would end when I finally stand back to work again but I did
not understand what actually had happened when I was being sack by the company.
I was told by one of my colleague later, the only one who is still willing to
talk to me had told me this. “ The rumor of you being gay was spread here by
fax.”
Who
did it?
I had
tried to apply for other companies but was rejected immediately; it was obvious
that they had received the same fax. From big organization to small firm I had tired
until one of them finally employ me. During my first day there, I was receiving
some fax when I accidentally get the fax.
The
thing stated in there should only be know by Kaoru and me, why it is now being
spread everywhere to ruin mine reputation? It not me, definitely not me who
spread it, then it should be…
Kaoru?
Is it you?
Is it
that you want me to get out of this place? You want to save your reputation,
you want to get rid of the fact that you are once in love with a man, you don’t
want me to ruin your happy married so you want me to get away from you, as far
as possible?
But
you don’t need to be so cruel to me, you know I won’t ruin you… you know I love
you… how could you…
That
day was another long day for me, as I was being sack again. What is wrong for
being a gay? What is wrong when you happened to fall in love with the same sex?
What’s the big deal?
“ What
are you doing here? You have not been home for two day and all you did was
drinking here?” Kyo angrily pull me up by my shirt and yelled at me when he
finally found me.
What
have I actually done since that day? I was not sure, all I remember was that I
had been drinking, drink and still drinking. I ignored any phone call; I drink
from my house until there is no more beer and how long has I stay at this pub?
I was not sure.
“ Let
go of me.” I struggle to get off from the grip and drop onto the floor when Kyo
suddenly let go.
What
happened to me after that? I remember I was drag, carry and whatever back home
by Kyo. He roughly throws me into the bathroom and splash water onto me making
me awake.
“ Stop
it… stop.” The water was too chilling for me.
“
Awake now?” Kyo was shrieking at the top of his voice and shaking my body
toughly.
I stop
struggling and stare at Kyo. He was angry, very angry with me for torturing
myself; I knew it from the way he stares at me. I wipe the water away from my
face and sit up properly on the floor.
“ Why
are you doing this to yourself? You know how much it hurt me to see you like
this?” Kyo start speaking again when he knows that I am awake now.
I did
not answer him anything as I had burst out crying in front of Kyo. He embraces
me and let me stay in this position, comforting me with his own way where he
always used to. “ Bring me away, as far as possible please.” I muttered to Kyo.
What
in fact happened at that moment? Kyo had brought my chin up and kiss me. I did
not reject his kiss and we deepen our kiss instead. I was clear in my mind who
am I kissing with but still I did not reject Kyo and also I was clear that I
did not accept his kiss because I was feeling depress.
“ I
love you Toshiya.” I think I heard Kyo whispering to me.
Few
days later, we left the place and return to our hometown together. What is my
relationship with Kyo at that moment? Definitely not lover…
~~
Part
3
Toshiya
did not attend my wedding, why would he? I did not send him the invitation
card; I did not ask him to, why would he come? Die had asked me many time
whether I am going to invite Toshiya, I did not answer him. Would he attend? I
did not want to know this answer.
We had
promised to keep our friendship forever, I should have invited him but would I
hurt Toshiya if he really comes for my wedding? He seem to be alright when we
break up, he seem to have look through everything including our relation.
I
don’t want to lie to myself. I don’t really care whether it hurt Toshiya
feeling or what! I am the one who is scare because I was afraid to see Toshiya
turning up at my wedding. If he really does so, it will mean that he had
totally given up in our relationship, he had give up in our love. I am selfish,
I want to end our relationship but on the other hand, I don’t want Toshiya to
forget me.
I did
not know how much I love Toshiya until the day I break up with him; I just
could not forget him. So many times I wanted to return to that apartment to
look for him, but I didn’t because I was afraid that I might change my mind of
getting marry if I see him again.
My
wife, I thought I would at least love her since I had married her but it was
just within a month before I find that she was like my passed lover. I never
put in so much love for anyone except Toshiya…
My
life had return to the time before I know Toshiya. Everyday was the same to me,
going to the office in the morning, to the pub after work with Die and return
home late with my wife waiting for me and quarrel with her sometime for don’t
know whatever reason which I don’t even seem to care.
What
is Toshiya doing now?
I did
not know I had muttered out that loud that Die had heard me. “ You still miss
him?” Die asked me and I nod my head with hesitation. Die was the only one I
can really trust so I would not hind anything from him.
“ You
should not, you are married.” Die tells me.
I
know! You do not need to remind me. That is why I had not seemed Toshiya for
this past year, you would never understand how I felt, and you will never know
the pain in me. “ I know, but I just want to know how is he now.”
“ Let
me do it for you then.” Die was really my great friend. At least I can know how
was Toshiya living like now.
“
Thank you, Die.”
Few
days later Die storm into my office room and tell me the news that Toshiya was
no longer living in the apartment that I had gave him. He was not working in
the company, which I used to know he had, and the worse of all was the rumors
news that had cause Toshiya to lose his job.
Who
had spread the news? Where is Toshiya now? Was he okay?
The
entire question flood into my mind within second, I was now holding onto Die
searching for an answer, hoping that he can answer me. Die had agreed to help
me, to find the person who had spread the rumors and of course Toshiya.
That
night, I went back to the apartment for the first time after this whole long
year. The car that I gave to Toshiya was the first thing I saw, and as I open
the door, I saw two cup on the table. At the moment, I thought Toshiya was back
but then I realized that the cup was cover with dust.
The
cups had been on the table for one year, I guessed. That day, we had used these
two cups, the placing of it was the same, I can still remember clearly. So
Toshiya must have leaved this place soon after me? I found his key and the
apartment contract in the drawer, he had left everything that I gave him
behind, so he really do wanted to forget me.
I went up our room and opens up the cupboard.
Just like what I had expect, all the clothes that I bought for him was inside,
he did not bring with him even apiece?
“
Toshiya…” My body drop onto the floor, I was holding onto Toshiya clothes,
crying.
Die
could not find Toshiya no matter how hard he had tries; I know he had done his best.
I just hated myself for causing all this, what should I do to make up for the
lost Toshiya had?
That
night I went home earlier than usual. My wife was smiling happily at me when
she saw me but I find her smile disgusting. She walk toward me and ask if I had
my dinner and before long, she get a hard tight slap across her face from me. “
Why did you do that to Toshiya!” I pushed her to the sofa and grip her hand
tightly.
“ Let
go of me, what do you mean?” She starts yelling.
“ Do
you need me to explained clearly to you what you had done to Toshiya?” I slap
her again. I never hit a woman in my life but this woman really gets on my
nerve.
She
shakes off my hand and stand up, glaring at me now. “ So what if I am the one
who sent those fax, it’s true that he is a gay. I want to ruin him and I don’t
want him to stay at this place and have a chance to sees you.” She talks as if
she is doing something great and this really drives me crazy. “ I am your wife
and I want to make sure that you belong to me and not someone else especially
that bitch!”
“ If
Toshiya is a bitch than you are worse that a bitch!”
“
You…!” She slap me back, a hard tight slap and I believe this slap will return
what I had own her. “ So what do you want now?” She is yelling like a crazy
woman.
“ I
want to divorce with you! I will give you half of my wealth and that is the end
of us!” I just wish that I could kick her off from my sight.
“ Do
you think I will accept this term easily and let you get back with that bitch?
Anyway I don’t think that bitch was still alive.” She starts laughing
hysterically but what she had said in the end nearly stop me from
breathing.
“ What
do you mean by Toshiya is not alive or what?” My voice seems to shake. “ You
know where Toshiya is?”
She
never answers my question and never agreed to divorce with me. From that day, I
had spent a long time to get rid of this woman. She was a clever woman and had
control quite a lot of thing in my company. In the end I had lose more than
half of my wealth but still fail to divorce with her.
Losing
all my money, losing everything is no longer important to me. All I care now is
to know that you are still alive; this is when I know how important you are to
me.
Please
let me know that you are still alive Toshiya…
I had spent almost all my time to look for
Toshiya and this anger my wife more. Before I realized, she had set me up into
losing my company if I could not get the enough sum of money to buy back some
part of the share. I do whatever I can to get the money and with the help from
Die, I finally success in buying back the share.
I was
not really happy about it though; I just want to know where Toshiya is.
“ I
give you everything I have, please tell me where Toshiya is.” I finally decided
this decision.
She
did not say anything, neither agreed nor disagreed.
I went back to the apartment again. I felt so tired now after
everything that had happened around me. All I really wants now is to have
Toshiya back with me and I am willing to give up everything and be with him
forever. I was standing in front of the apartment when someone taps on my
shoulder.
“ Mr. What was you doing in front of my house?”
I don’t know this person and what does he mean by his house?
“ Die, Die!” I storm into the office room yelling. “ Toshiya is
alive! He is!”
“ How did you know?”
“ He sold the apartment, isn’t he’s the only one who can do it?” I
was smiling like an idiot. “ The apartment is under his name, he’s the only one
who can sell it.” I keep repeating. I was overjoyed upon knowing that Toshiya
was still alive as the apartment was just being sold.
“ You know where he is?” Die doesn’t seem to be excited but
somehow nervous.
I don’t know where Toshiya is now but as long as he is still
alive, I believe I can find him no matter how long it take. Die frown as I told
him that, it was just then I realized that he was not excited at all. Die
should be as happy as me because he had been helping me to look for Toshiya for
such a long time.
Why is Die frowning now?
“ You see Kaoru, the money I gave you to buy those share was
actually from selling the apartment. That man sent the money to me just on time
for you.”
“ You mean you have meet Toshiya?” I was a bit angry, why did Die
keep it from me. “ How is he?”
Die shakes his head. “ It wasn’t Toshiya, it another man, I think
his name is Kyo or something.”
Kyo? Toshiya brother? I had nearly forgotten about this man.
I enter a small shop; it was dark in the shop, a wired shop
selling all sort of wired things that suit Kyo who owned it. Die told me that I
could find Kyo here, meaning that I was near to meet Toshiya. I went straight
into the shop wondering where is Kyo.
“ Who is it? What are you looking for?” The voice stun me
immediately, I recognize that voice. “ Hello?”
Toshiya had came out from the counter, was now standing in front
of me, smiling at me. I should be overjoyed but why was he asking me who I am?
Has he forgotten me? It hurt my heart upon thinking of it.
“ Anyone there?” He asked again and starts walking toward me.
Anyone here? What is he talking about? It was dark in the shop but
it wasn’t so dark that unable anyone to see a thing, especially a big man likes
me. No it wasn’t right, something is wrong with him from the way he was
walking, I don’t want to admit it but Toshiya is blind?
I want to make sure that I was wrong, I wish I were wrong. I wave
my hand in front of his face and my heart sank to the bottom, he was indeed
blind. What had happened to you?
“ Sorry, I’m blind.” I think that he had feel me waving in front
of him.
We remind silent eventually.
“ What are you doing here?” I was being pulled back suddenly by
the owner of the voice and there Kyo is, pulling me out of the shop. “ Get away
from here.”
“ What happened to Toshiya eyes?” I don’t care whether Kyo would
beat me up or whatever and I was holding onto him, asking.
“ Kaoru?” Toshiya was standing in front of the shop, properly had
heard my voice.
Kyo doesn’t want to tell me anything at first. He had bashed me up
and kicks me out of the shop everytime I went there until he finally gave in
and curses himself for telling Die where they are.
Toshiya was blind from a car accident. It wasn’t really an
accident because Toshiya had actually saw the person who did it, whom Toshiya
believe had did it in purpose. That person is my wife. Kyo first sentence had
already shock me. They did not report the fact because Toshiya doesn’t want to
land me into trouble and moreover he was already blind. He doesn’t want me to
get upset for my wife being charge.
That bitch! How bold she is to commit the crime by
herself.
I
clutch onto my pant and continue listening to Kyo. Toshiya finally had a chance
for a cornea transplant operation but I was in trouble at the time and he had
eventually sold very thing he have including his saving for the operation in
order to help me.
“ Therefore he had lost his chance for the operation.” Kyo ended
with a sighed, “ I didn’t understand why would he put in so much love for a man
like you.”
I also do not understand why he still cares so much for me after
all this pain I had causes him to suffer. No, all this would not matter now, as
long as Toshiya was now fine, his operation would not be a problem.
“ Toshiya didn’t want me to tell you this. Please don’t go and
look for him anymore, just leave him alone.” Kyo sound determine.
“ But why? I can help him.”
“ Help him? Don’t you know who’s the one that causes all this?”
Kyo was right, I am the one who make Toshiya suffered. If I did
not choose to leave him in the beginning, nothing would have happened to him. “
Can I see him?” I pled with Kyo.
I press on the doorbell for a few times before I heard Toshiya
voice calling. “ Whose there? I’m coming, please hold on.” While later, Toshiya
opens the door slightly with the door chain still hook on. “ Who is it?” He
asked again.
I felt so ashamed suddenly, I let him down but he still help me. I
didn’t know what should I say to him and the silent went on for quite some time
before Toshiya speak again. “ Kaoru? Is that you?” He seem hesitate when he
asked.
How he knows it me?
“ Yes…”
Toshiya invited me into his house. “ Take a seat…” I can feel the
tense in him.
We were never so quiet before. We seem to be waiting for each
other to start a conversation and the ticking sound from the clock was getting
louder, still we did not said anything.
“ I am divorcing with my wife.” I finally decide to speak up.
Toshiya did not say a thing.
“ There was once a person that I love so much but I never know it
or appreciate him until I lose him. I even believe that I can forget him.” I
struggle to keep my voice from trembling. “ I try to and even force myself to
forget him but I can’t. My wife had sense it and this had actually cause harm
to him. It’s all because of me… I had cause him to suffer…”
“ Stop it, don’t say anymore… I don’t want to listen to this
entire thing now. It’s all over…” Toshiya was clutching onto the cushion tighter.
“ Remember two years ago we had break up, everything is over now, please leave
now.” He stands up and pulls me to the doorway. “ Please leave now… don’t come
again…” His tears betray him again; I know he wasn’t saying it from his heart.
“ Toshiya please… forgive me.” I beg as he pushes me out of the
door. “ Toshiya… I …”
The door was slam close leaving me standing outside with my
unfinished sentences. ‘ I love you… truly from me heart…’ I repeat inside my
heart.
“ Toshiya.” I called again.
Will he ever forgive me? Nevermind I will wait, for you.
The door opens again, out of my expectation. “ I told myself that
I was not going to be regret for chasing you out but I know I will just like
the time you left the apartment.” Toshiya was taking out all his courage to say
this, he is and I know it. “ Apologize now… NO, you promise me that you’re not
going to leave me again.”
The first time after these two years, I was smiling from my heart.
“ I promise…” I held him, not going to let go of him again. “ I love you
Toshiya.”
I bring Toshiya home with me the next day. I wanted to let my wife
know that even if she does not agreed to divorce with me, I would never be with
her. From now on, Toshiya will be my only partner and my only love.
I held onto Toshiya hand firmly as I open the door and my wife was
sitting on the sofa. She had turns her head to look at us when she heard the
door opening. I was glad that she did not make a big fuss when she sees
Toshiya.
She was staring at Toshiya
as I lead Toshiya to sit on the sofa in front of her. Follow by I took out the
divorce document and place it in front of her, “ Please sign it and name
anything you want, I will give it to you as long as I can.” I turn the document
to her.
We were still waiting for her reply when she suddenly raise her
hand and give me a hard tight slap, then she sign the document and stand up. “
We’re equal now!” She say and I notice her eyes has redden.
“ Why?” I wanted to know why she gives up everything so suddenly.
“ I own it to him.” She was referring to Toshiya. “ I’m sorry, Mr.
Hara.”
After that, she left without taking any of my wealth. From a
letter left behind by her, I finally understand clearly why she had agreed to
file divorce with me. She was guilty when she sees Toshiya again, knowing that
she had cause Toshiya blindness and Toshiya had let her off.
~~ I didn’t meant to knock him that day, I was so jealous, I
envy him because you love him and not me. You never know how much I love you
because I was never in your eye. Upon remembering of this, my car had already
run over him but I did call the ambulance. I was so scare that day; I didn’t
know whether he is still alive or already died. I’ve wait for the police to
come but they never. I never go to find out anything after that, I was scare if
you know what I have done to him, and I know you will hate me. I try to forget
about it, everything about what I have done and I success but the moment I saw
him… I know I was wrong…
Toshiya doesn’t blame her, he believe that everything is equal
now. She had lost her husband and he had lost his sight. As for me, I don’t
agreed to what he think because what wrong did they actually have done. I
should be the only one to be blame and I am the one who causes all this but well…
17 Feb.
My birthday today and there is only I person to celebrate with me
this year, Toshiya. Eight years ago we get to know each other and eight years
later, I know we would still do so.
“ Tomorrow will be your operation, who do you wished to see first
when you recover?” I embrace Toshiya from behind his waist and whisper in his
ear. “ Tell me.” I bit his ear lightly.
Toshiya giggle and struggle off my hold. “ You of course, to see
how much older you are now, old man.” He emphasis the last two words.
“ Old man?” I pouted. “ Let you see whether am I an old man.” I
grab Toshiya and push him to the bed. He tries to get away but I stop him with
my body weight.
Toshiya finally give up and lay still where I start placing kisses
on his forehead, his nose, and his chin and everywhere around his face until I
stop at his soft lips. “ Strawberry?” I whisper at his ear.
“ Like it?” Toshiya return my kisses. “ I just have strawberry
milk.”
I stare at those beautiful lips and starts attacking it
ferociously. Toshiya respond me by allowing me to explore inside his mouth. The
taste of strawberry was stronger. My hand starts moving down and stopped at the
button of his shirt, one by one, I slowly unbutton it as my mouth still tasting
Toshiya.
I lower down to Toshiya body, placing and leaving down mark at
wherever space there is. I wanted it to be there forever without vanishing and
I will do it everyday. I told Toshiya this and he laugh. “ I want to do the
same thing on you.” He giggles and bit me on my neck. “ Hey! You’re biting me.”
I protest.
“ I didn’t say I would be leaving down love mark.” He smirks.
“ You little brat.” I held him down and tickle him as Toshiya was
pleading to me to let him off.
It wasn’t long before the both of us were naked and I was
preparing to enter into Toshiya. After wetting Toshiya hole, I was taking my
place and was about to enter into him but Toshiya move away. My body was
getting hotter now, Toshiya know it and was using his feet to tease my manhood,
delaying the time for me to enter. “ Toshiya?” I sound eager now.
“ Old lecher.” Toshiya was still teasing my erect manhood
with his feet. “ Admit now? Old man…” He emphasis the last two words again,
wanted me to agree with him before he let me enter into him.
I could not take it anymore; the sensation was driving me
crazy. “ Okay… okay, you’re right. I’m an old man.” All I want now was to enter
into Toshiya.
Toshiya was satisfied now and move his feet away, hinting
that I can do whatever I want now. Of course I wouldn’t tell him that he was
going to pay for it when I enter into him.
“ Can I start moving?” I whisper to Toshiya as I enter into
his body slowly and carefully, not wanting to hurt him.
I start moving slowly, afraid that I may hurt Toshiya but the
sensation was driving me crazy. I start losing my control and move faster and
faster; this time I could hear Toshiya calling out as he clutches his finger
tighter to the bed sheet. Tears drip down his beautiful face. Our lips touches
again and I suck at his lower lip until I could felt the taste of blood. I was
using my hand to help Toshiya release and soon, I could feel both of us was
coming.
“ Kaoru…” Toshiya was yelling for me to let go of my hand so that
he can release but I pretended not to hear him and continue holding his. “
Kaoru… let… ah let go your hand…” He cries get louder.
“ Do you still think I’m an old man?”
“ KAORU!” >__<
The End.
[23/11/02]
Kyo carries a bouquet of roses as he gets down the taxi. Removing
his sunglasses and look at the church in front of him as the taxi drove off
behind him. He was thinking that what that two of them was thinking in their
mind, finding such big church? Toshiya and Kaoru was getting married in this
church, which accept man married but it need not be in such a big one where
there is only four people attending their wedding.
“ Why do I need to congratulate my rival?” Kyo muttered as he
walks toward the church. “ I wouldn’t come if it not Toshiya begging me to be
his witness.” (Tsmr: Okay, for this whole year after Toshiya & Kaoru get back together, Kyo had been
saying the same thing but he really doesn’t mean it now. He was happy as long
as Toshiya was happy ß silly brother.)
“ Kyo, thank you for coming.” I was glad that Kyo really comes to
our wedding. I know Toshiya wanted Kyo to attend and to accept us though both
of us know Kyo already have. “ We were waiting for you.”
“ Who would want to congratulate you?” Kyo was still trying to be
hard on me. “ Oh Totchi, congratulation.” He walks toward Toshiya and hug him.
Toshiya: (-_-;) Thank you.
Kaoru: Okay enough, enough, please let go of Toshiya now. (Of
course he was saying in his heart.)
Die: Aren’t congratulating Toshiya and congratulating Kaoru is the
same. (Of course he did not say out too. -_-;)
~ Okay it really the end here~
Thanks for reading. ^_^