Hello, are you real?
I'm fed up with jokes. I'm fed up with people taking advantage of my gullibility. I'm fed up with not knowing if something is real or not. I'm fed up with not being able to get a simple thing that can prove everything, by the person in question making it extremely difficult. His inability to come up with the goods makes it all the more hard to believe he's real. He knows who he is and I am not digging at him. All I need is one simple thing. A landline phone number. Just so I can call and hear him at the other end. Why is that too much for people to understand? I can't go on not knowing and doubting. I need to be sure. I can't risk my heart getting broken again. It needs to be sorted. Now.
DATE: 19th December FROM: Jude
SUBJECT: rant rant rant rant
oh my word, i couldnt be more annoyed at my computer!! I NEED to be able to get online and rant and talk about stuff to people. I really need it as a release at the minute, but the stupid fecking thing wont stop makin explorer preform illegal operations, everything to do with the net when connected preforms illegal operations! SOOOOOOOOOO FECKIN PISSED OFF!!! I *need* into my online diary to rant, stupid feckin tech has blocked it. ARG! NOT FAIR, comin up to christmas as well, i think i mite cry soon, i NEED to get some of the things on my mind into the land of the internet. If i dont get my net sorted soon, i honestly think i might explode! *fits and screams and punches and go into hysterics*
26th November 2002
Hauntingness
Why does the past have to keep coming back and haunting me? It's been doing that a lot lately and I can't escape it. I just wish things would just go away and leave me alone. I don't like to be reminded of things that happened in the past but I can't tell anyone cos it hurts me and them beyond explanation. Please make it stop?
25th October 2002
Your mission, if you choose to accept it.....
Arg! Does anyone else in the world have as many assignments as I do? Yeah Jude, we know ye've got more than me. But mine are the most complicated, yet simple ones ever! I know exactly what to do with them, but I don't seem to have the ability to do them. I seem to have somje sort of mental block that stops words forming. The words that do form, are usually something along the lines of "blah blah blah, flef, arse, rarg, shabbiddybeebiddybah, aferfleffyfloo" and various other non-making-sense things. I hate this. Does anyone else suffer from the same ailment?
14th October 2002
Standing at the bus stop with my shopping in my hand
Men are most definitely like buses. None appear for ages, and then three appear at once. Or pretty much. I am contained within this very predicament. Three extremely amazing guys want me. One of them I already have. Problem solved? Hell no. It makes things all the more complicated and since I found out about the other two, it's been frying my brain. I've ruled one of them out, but the other one..... it's just too hard. We both stand to lose so much. I don't want to lose the one I have cos he's just so amazing and great for me, but I can't help but wonder. And then I beat myself up for it. I don't like causing people pain, but sometimes I do, without even realising it. And this time, I do realise it, but they don't. I hate myself for the way I feel. I need to sort things out but I need time alone to do this. And it ain't exactly possible cos of the people concerned.
9th May 2002
Single life
Why do guys have to be such arses? Why do they make up pathetic excuses when they dump us? They deliver the classic lines such as "you'll find someone better than me" and "you'll always be a part of me". Aye, the part they'd get from me is permanent scarring. The story is, I was going out with a guy called Matthew. So sweet. Everything was going well. I actually fell in love again. And I really did this time. It wasn't like I thought I did, and then realised 'no, not really'. I really did. I let him in. I wasn't going to let anyone know the real me, but I let him in. He got underneath my skin and he hurt me. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life as I did yesterday. I hurt so much, I couldn't cry. I couldn't even stand. Eventually, I did cry. I really want to hate him, but you know me, I can't hate anyone. I may say I hate him, but I don't at all. Not one wee bit. I really should be doing my tech assignments, but I can't concentrate. And he said I couldn't concentrate on them when I was with him. Like quack I couldn't! I got more work done since I've been out with him than I had in the months beforehand! Simply cos I had the incentive. Now I don't have the incentive anymore. He said that he's letting me go now, so we won't have to deal with the pain when I go to university. But my point is, I'm going to university next year. I'm not soddin goin tomorrow! He doesn't seem to think there's such a thing as enjoying something while it lasts. He wasn't even willing to try. Nice of him, huh? Causing me this pain, 11 days before my first exam. And only a few days after my granny went into Intensive Care in hospital. The git has no sensitivity at all. I was already in pain and I needed him to be there for me. And he goes and makes it so much worse. I gotta take my mind off him. But I don't know how. Someone please console me?
9th December 2001
Aye well whatever like
Yeah I'm psycho. I'm a big mad looney who needs taken away by the men in white coats. Or so I was told by someone in my class a few weeks ago. So much has happened since my last rant on here. I didn't get on with my class, I got bullied, things got better, I got a job, I wrote a new song (Way Back Then), and I had a couple of nervous breakdown type panic attacks type things. I don't know what they were. All I know is that they scared people and I went crazy. But I'm all better now. I'm the best. I don't even know why I'm ranting! I think maybe I'm just updating ye's all. Oh yeah, and the Scouse Oasis Freak has come in to contact with wee Ducky again, yay! I got to speak to him on the phone for the first time since July 2000. Me and Peter broke up on 3rd November. So I'm single again, poo. And Marc came over for a weekend, declaring his love and such. He stayed with me and we had a blast. Tonight (it's 02:27 on Sunday morning) was karaoke and I managed to get a gig out of it! My voice is taking me places! Yay! Me so happy! I'm totally not in the ranting mood! I'm in the bouncing mood! Oh I know! I could rant about not being able to bounce! There, I can't bounce and I'm really annoyed. There ye go, night night!
17th September 2001
Return of the Quack
Oh yes, the Ducky Freak is back in Performing Arts. Back with a vengeance. I'm there to learn stuff and do well. So as usual, there's the annoyances. For example, we only have 90 minutes of music per week. Ninety minutes! It's a flamin' disgrace. Last year we had five hours. It's so unfair. Plus, there's a guy in my class who is the double of Noel the Git. The same annoying showing-off, the remarks, the piss-taking, the insults, I mean, how much is a Duck supposed to take? I shall survive. They have yet to discover my skills. They will silence when they realise what an asset I will be to them. Oh yeah, and I intend to run for President again. Woohoo! Hopefully this year will be my year. So anyway, be prepared for future rants on the subjects of Lack Of Music and Noel's Double. Quack.
2nd September 2001
Past niggles
I guess it's now time to reflect on the past. IT SUCKED. Yes, I admit I have made a lot of mistakes with regards to my chosen loves. Let's see..... CF, violent. CS, possessive. MM, tried to rape me. JN, only wanted sex. MH, drunkard (he's better now though). RB, shouldn't have got involved at all, me such an idiot. NB, too much I now know that I never knew before and it ain't good. DH, guh, don't get me started. But, there's Peter. He's so different. I know Mr PotPlant would say different. I know Peter's hurt me in the past, but as you can see from my past rants, he's all that's been on my mind. I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I've loved him for two whole years. He knows that. I feel something when I'm with him and I can't quite put my finger on it to what it is. Uh..... I know..... Contentment. I spent a whole weekend with him from the 23rd to the 27th of August and it was as amazing as the last time from the 25th to the 29th of October 1999. Only this time, it was different. He opened up to me, in a way he never had before. He told me things that were bothering him. I could always tell him what was wrong with me. I'm open like that. But, it was so incredible, my time with him. I just wish he was here with me right now so I could touch him, hold him, kiss him, and tell him I love him. And I know a lot of people would tell me that he'll only hurt me again, but he said to me: "I know I buggered it up last time, and I just hope I'm not stupid enough to do the same thing again". I know he means it. And I know I've had a sucky past with guys but the future holds something new and exciting. A new and more mature Peter. And a new and more mature me.
15th June 2001
My Someone
I'm in love with someone. I'm not saying who, and I'm also not saying why I'm not saying who. So just don't bother asking. I've known him for ages, right, and we've grown close over that time. A lot of things happened that made us closer. For example, my breakup with Scouse Mouse. He helped me get through it. He offered me support when I needed it. He told me I was great when I needed to hear it. He was blunt when he wanted to get his point through to me, and I know I can be extremely stubborn at times. He just told me the truth. That's why I value his opinion so much. He looks out for me. He guards me from the arse cookies out there. He considers himself part of the 1% of the male population who aren't arses. He's right. He is. And he knows how I feel. And I know how he feels. But I'm not upset. My friendship with him is unconditional, so regardless of what has happened in the past or what's going on right now, we'll always be best buddies. So I'm not upset at all. I know he'll never feel the same about me. I'm just content with the fact I'll always be his Little Laz.
22nd April 2001
Nat-Scrap
These past few days have been crazy. You may have been wondering why the site hasn't been updated much over the last 3 weeks. That's because of my new job, which, for the record, sucks. But anyway, it's the past two weeks I'm here to rant about. On Saturday 7th April, I was hanging with my bud Nat. And shortly after midnight he asked me out. I was ecstatic cos I'd liked him for ages and had no idea he liked me. So, during the week that followed, he spent a fair amount of time with me, including cycling 6 miles to my house. Aww. I met him a couple of miles down the road on my bike and I lost my headphones on the way home. Waa. And that night, he told me some stuff about his past. We had a good night. The next night on the phone, he told me he loved me, and that he'd been in love with me for months. I went to his house after work on the Tuesday and he cooked me dinner. We spent some quality time together. I was supposed to be going to his house again the next day, but he cancelled on me at the last minute. I was upset but it was okay. On the Thursday, he was to come to my house. On my way home, he rang to say that he couldn't make it. I got even more upset but he explained that it wasn't his fault. Later, he said he was going to get a lift up with his dad. That made me so happy. When he got to my house, we helped me mam carry bedside lockers up the stairs. Then she ended up talking to him for ages after that. When we finally escaped, we had a laugh up in my room. We ate some sweeties and tickled each other. He told me he watched A LIFE LESS ORDINARY and discovered he loved the song ROUND ARE WAY by Oasis. So we listened to it and he wanted me to let him hear more Oasis tunes. I got to see him on Saturday and we went to his house. I met some of his cousins and his best friend. We watched a video and it was nice to snuggle into him. We spent a lot of that night together, and we went out with his cousins. But the thing that was bad, was the fact that me dad was blunt to him in the car on the way home. So, he rang me at like 1am and asked me to ring his mobile. I did, and he told me he wasn't happy with the way me dad acted and that he wasn't going to come to my house the next day. I tried to explain that me dad's like that late at night cos he's tired, but Nat had none of it. So, the next day, I went to his house to try and persuade him. His mam shouted at him and that seemed to do the trick! At my house, we watched a video and we ended up having another fight. About smoking. I said that it didn't matter to me if he smoked, just as long as he didn't do it around me. That made him angry. He said he hates it when people tell him what to do. All I was doing was trying to compromise. Eventually, he asked for a split. I got really upset and I turned away from him. He came over to me, turned me round, and kissed me. He said he was sorry and that he realised he couldn't let me go. I was glad he didn't. We carried on for a while, until me dad walked in on us. I was tickling him and he pushed me over to stop me, and what me dad walked in on was him half lying on top of me, kissing me. So, the next time I seen him was the next day, Monday. At his house. We spent the first half of that day up in his room dozing. He told me that no matter what happend in the future, no matter who I was with, he still want to cuddle me and kiss me. Then I met his cousin. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. A while before I went home, Nat rang me mam to tell her that he smoked. WHY?! There was no need for that! What a stupid git. So, at home, me and me mam had a 2 hour argument about him. She was saying that she didn't appreciate his bluntness, like, how he says things without thinking and stuff. So, I rang him at 2am to tell him to think before he speaks around me mam. And guess what. Another argument. He said that no one can tell him who to be and that no one can change him. I wasn't asking him to change! Guh! His cousin got involved and tried to sort things out for us. In the end, Nat said he didn't want to go out with me anymore. Because he couldn't stand having to change for me. But I wasn't asking him to change! Then he asked me if he could keep the duck teddy I gave him on Sunday. I asked him to tell me why. He said so he could cuddle into it at night and imagine it was me he was cuddling into. Oooookay. This guy is way confused. So, after getting a pretend beating from his cousin, Nat decided that it was mental to ditch me. Good. He asked me to go to his house the next day to sort everything out once and for all. To cut a long story short, I had to walk 6 miles cos the bus was cancelled. I gave Matthew (the cousin) the hug I promised him and Nat got jealous. Hehe. Nat was really affectionate towards me that day. He wouldn't let me go. All the hugs, the kisses, holding my hand, getting me to sit on his knee. I loved that. It was really sweet. He held my hand in the car on the way home. Aww. The next night was the climax. The 70's night. He was late. I rang him. He said he'd be there soon. He told me that he had something to talk to me about. I knew what it meant when he said he couldn't tell me whether it was good or bad. It was bad. I sat beside my bud Nikki and shook until he got there. I said hey in the happiest way possible and he said "I'll talk to you in a minute, I only just got here." Gee, that was nice. Eventually he took me outside and told me that it was over. He said he wasn't ready for a steady relationship. I cried. Only a wee bit though. But still. I spent the rest of the night talking to Matt (our bud) while Nat went on Matt's scooter. When he came back, he wouldn't dance, which is so not like him. The three of us went outside and talked. We had a group hug, which was quite funny cos we were all wearing black leather jackets. And Nat was wearing a red shirt and white trousers. Uhh, he looked so good. Snap out of it. Ah, that's better. For the rest of the night, I sat alone, while Nat stood away from me, not doing anything in particular. He said he wanted us to be good friends. But last night I seen him and he just walked away, only saying hey. And then I asked him tonight where he went and he told me to mind my own business. He could've at least said "if you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about it", but no, he had to be cheeky about it. That made me get sarcy with him. And he complained about it. I asked him how Matthew was and he accused me of fancying him! So I called him childish for saying that. He can't handle the fact that I can talk back to him. Hehe. I'm good. I'm so good. And I'm also angry. I've gotta get my stuff back from him. The Bon Jovi CD, the Oasis CD and my video of A LIFE LESS ORDINARY. I'm gonna try to contact Matthew. He'll cheer me up.
17th March 2001
Goodbye my love, I'll try to write.....
This one goes out to all the pals of the girl formerly known as The Freak. I am moving on to higher grounds. I am leaving the adolescent world. I am leaving Performing Arts..... Yes I'm leaving the course I love. I'm leaving the course I've wanted to do since I was 14. All because of a job. I got the job I had an interview for in January. I'm happy, but then again, I'm not. And I know Pot Plant isn't happy. He's trying to talk me out of it. He says I have too much talent to waste. He says I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. He says I'm a born performer, with more stages to conquer and more standing ovations to get. Ian told me last night that he's going to miss me. And Kirk went silent on me. I don't think they are taking it very well. I told Crystal yesterday and she says she'll be helping Pot Plant talk me out of it. It'll mean leaving everyone on my course and going to Belfast. Leaving my friends behind. Leaving my previous existence behind.....
11th March 2001
I just remembered, it's my 19th in 3 months
But that isn't the issue here. I'm angry. Very angry. At someone who goes by the name of..... nah I ain't telling you the name. Those who know me personally will know who I'm talking about. This person did the unthinkable. He gave away the present I bought him. I bought it on the day I got fired from KFC. It was a cute little yellow fluffy ducky. I bought it for him simply because he couldn't find his teddy Liam. Out of the kindness of my heart. And he gives it to this other girl. His new girlfriend. I don't think I would accept anything given by an ex. Oh wait, the bandanna was given to Scouse Mouse by his ex, and he gave it to me..... Uh..... But that's different. He had that for years. RB only had the duck for about 3 weeks and he gave it away 3 days after we broke up. Was that just to wind me up? Maybe. And d'you know what he said to me? "It's happened now, so deal with it." How mean is that?!?! I can't believe it. I'm so over him anyway. I'm only hurt about the duck. I won't be able to look at another duck again. But I must survive. I will find other guys who won't give away my presents. I know there are guys out there. Well, there's one really. That would be a guy called..... I'm not mentioning his name either. He's cute, sweet, and SO much better looking than RB. And older. He's really nice to talk to. I just hope he's nicer than RB.....
23rd February 2001
Inspire Me..... okay then, don't
Isn't it annoying when you have a slight flicker of inspiration, it disappears within a nanosecond? Hmm. I haven't been able to write a poem in over a year now, because of my lack of inspiration. During these past few days, I've come up with a few words here and there, none of which make sense. It just ain't fair. Come to think of it, do I ever make sense? There seems to be some deja vu here.....
28th January 2001
Shakespearean Situations
Ah yes, Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare's tragic love story. I'm experiencing something along the lines of that..... Casini Boy has been banished..... from the phone and the net, due to the amount of calls made to my mobile. And I'm in hiding from his parents. A friend of mine made the mistake of phoning his house, posing as me, and spoke to his dad. Casini Boy got wind of this and is not a happy bunny. So now I am left without my guitarist sweetheart. Because of this, I'm losing all concentration so don't mind me if I happen to drift..... away..... like..... this.....
12th January 2001
And she don't wish today was one year ago (last week I did)
Yeah, I'm unhappy. But for a very valid reason. Because of my Scouser. Or my ex Scouser. Over these past few days I've been thinking about him, cos a year ago we had just broke up. Grr. In 2 days time it will be a year since I found out the truth. I won't tell what that truth was cos that truth hurts. Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of him. I can't listen to Bon Jovi or Bryan Adams or Oasis's Don't Go Away, without the tears welling up. I need a hug. If you won't give me a hug, then I will just have to cry. *sniff* Too late. I'm lonely, sad and overall, I need a drink. So goodbye while I go drink like a fish. (Can fish drink?.....)
29th December 2000
Grr arg and all the things that are odd and strange like me
What is all this here? Help, I'm confused. Argh! Noooo! I need a good rant so I guess that's why I'm here. A good thing happened to me on Wednesday and I'm proud of myself, but I get the feeling I went about it in the wrong way..... And now I'm laid up with the flu. My fingers hurt cos I spent all day working in a freezing cold environment (someone tell me how a fast food joint can be cold?!). And I'm busy comforting someone who is sad because of someone else and, help, I can't talk, I've lost the ability to make sense! Ah well, did I ever make any sense?! I'm in both physical and mental pain. Physical cos of this stupid cold/flu due to the crazy snowball fight on Wednesday, mental cos of the events of that day and this day. Grr arg, I try to help people, but no one's here to help me. Well, maybe my mate Scouse Oasis Freak will comfort me. He has come back into my life. Yippee! But, I have taken up enough of your valuable time, so I will wollow in my own little pool of chocolate wrappers until someone calls me, or visits, or whatever.....
20th December 2000
Lack of everything
This is just ridiculous. I'm sitting here in the midst of a bad hair day listening to Coldplay. Nothing bad about that, not even the hair can get me down, but I've had no sleep. Well, I've had a grand total of one hour. I've been tired for ages, but I made the mistake of staying up last night to finish an assignment (which didn't get finished, incidentally) until I was in so much pain, I had to go to bed. This was at 6:15am. I'd only got off the computer at 2:30am! My early warning system is chest pains. But I went to bed an hour after I started getting pains. Not good. So today I'm very sick and I have very little energy. But, can't be sad. After all, I still have to complain about the lack of boyfriends in my life. On Monday I got the pictures developed of my ventures in London and Majorca. The memories made me sad. There is a picture of me and Marc, and then of course, me and Dave. A very nice one at that. I will be posting it very soon. And me and Mr Pot Plant were having a discussion last night about missing other halves. He decided he wanted to set me up with a mutual friend of ours. Mmm. If anything happens (which I doubt), I will be sure to let you all know. Anyhow, my eyes are falling out of my head. It's only 12 minutes past the hour of 1pm and it feels like it's 4am. Guff. I'm stretching but everytime I make a drastic movement like that, I'm stuck in that position for at least 5 minutes, which is quite funny for anyone looking in my direction. So I will go now and try not to stretch. But if I don't stretch, I get sore! Oh, shut up Laura. But.....
5th December 2000
Tissues at the ready.....
It may be a bit early to be thinking about this, but I'm experiencing a pang of sadness. My best bud is leaving me next year. He, Mr Pot Plant, will be leaving the country to go to university. He doesn't realise it, but I'm going to miss him soooooo much. Over these past few years, I've grown really close to him. He's my big wee brother, really. He's supported me through things that I wouldn't dare discuss with other people. I've spent so much time with him, I've gained the honour of being one of his leaves. I've cried so much because I know he's going to leave me. I don't want him to go. I'll miss him singing to me, making me laugh, being my sponge (shoulder to cry on), just generally being there to hug. He's my big teddie bear and he's mine. I just hope he'll come home to see me once in a while. The tears are falling on my keyboard. ��^%&^*%$ AARRGGHH!! Electric shock! But, must go. Jonny, I salute you. P.S. Don't go away. Say what you say. Say that you'll stay forever and a day in the time of my life. Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right. I'll keep singin' for ya darlin'. ;)
24th November 2000
The race is on for president! (Of the Student's Union.....)
Yeah, the race is on, but I'm not one bit happy about it at all. The people, I wasnt them to vote for me. But details on how to vote are non-existent. It's America all over again. The voting was supposed to be done in class before the Halloween half term. But did everyone do that? No! After the hols, we were notified that the president has not been elected due to the fact that not everyone had their votes in. People complained about not knowing who the candidates were, no posters etc. So I made posters and stuck them up everywhere on both campuses. I gathered votes with some devoted friends agreeing with my proposal. Soon, my posters were destroyed. No word of the results. A conclusion was reached. There has been a long-standing feud between the students of my campus and students of the other one, as well as between staff. Basically, we think that there's commotion because I'm a Performing Arts student. The president has always been from the other campus, so maybe I've had a lot of votes aned they're trying to find a way of not letting me be president. This makes me very grr. GGGGGRRRRR.......
6th October 2000
Surfing the Guy Wave
I was lying in my bed last night thinking how lonely I am. I was pondering on the guys I'd loved and lost over the past while. Holiday Guy, Scouse Mouse, Swedish Boy, etc etc. And I was thinking about my Scouse counterpart, the Scouse Oasis Freak, who I had become friends with in June. I contacted him last night for the first time since July. I just can't stand it when people leave me for no reason known to myself. I don't know how I could possibly go out with anyone else when I'm still in love with Scouse Mouse. And he knows it. He just won't talk about it. I still carry pictures of him with me. I want to be attached to someone, but I'm afraid of being hurt over and over again. I guess I'm just the sensitive type of person. I miss all the guys so very much. I miss HG's quiet intelligence and SM's complete personality. His voice, his letters, his comfort, his touch, his kiss..... And SB, well there was never anything there to start with. I just need someone to hold me and to help me get over SM as quickly as possible. I still cry at night. Every time I hear Bon Jovi's Bed Of Roses I just melt. Every time I hear Bon Jovi's Thank You For Loving Me I think of SOF. I need someone. All applicants mail me at [email protected].
3rd October 2000
Evil Bitch From Hell Reigns Again (but not for long)
Why do I have a mouth? No matter what comes out of it, it always lands me in trouble. BIG trouble. Yesterday was one of those days. I was just chillin with my bud playing my guitar, as you do, when E.B.F.H. came in and stole my thunder. All I really wanted was a bit of peace and quiet to practise playing and singing. Admittedly, E.B.F.H. wasn't the only creature who was kinda buggin me. Everyone played a part in my rage, but it wasn't until the creature screamed at me for slabbering about her that I lost it. Not out loud, but I'm sure my lonesome brain cell was frightened. All I heard for the rest of the day was that E.B.F.H. was going to kick my head in, make me cry, smash my face in. But you know what? I don't care. She's all talk. I ain't worrying. I ain't a violent person, so I won't be starting anything. I'll just finish it!
DATE: 22nd September FROM: Tasha
SUBJECT: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Millions, squillions, trillions of the male species inhabit this earth, so why am i still single.! I am pissed off that i am alone, very alone, with only my friends to keep me company everyday. (not that that's bad!) Ah to be happily attached to someone, those were the days, i'm seriously beginning to consider a total body change, maybe if i morphed into Sarah Michelle Gellar, i'd have a queue lined up around the back of the Institute (Causeway, not madhouse!) Freddie Prinze Jr. and David Boreanaz (Angel) feel free to jump the queue. Ah that's better i am now officially rantfree!! But just one more thing before I go: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrspitfickleblastahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Cheers freak, i needed that out of my system!!
21st July 2000
Jobs and the Arse-like Employers
I am in an extremely bad mood because today, on my rare but lovely expedition around town, I came across my 16 year old friend. Nothing wrong with that, you might say, but she was working in a shop. Ain't nothing wrong with that either. But what was wrong, was the fact that she's got the job that I'd applied for. She told me she's never had an interview before in her life and she got it first time! I've been to about 50 interviews and I still don't know what I'm doing wrong! Can someone please tell me! I think I know why they chose her over me. Let's see: a) she's blonde; b) she's 16 so they don't have to pay her much; and c) SHE'S NOT ME. That doesn't seem fair to me. I'm not mentioning which shop is responsible for this, but I am certain that I won't be buying anything from TopShop for a very long time.....
12th June 2000
My 18th
I'm in a really bad mood today. A lot of reasons why. Where do I start? Ah, I shall start with yesterday. Yesterday was my 18th birthday. A joyous occasion, supposedly. I got the 5th Oasis album. Yay, you might think. No. It was the Helter Skelter one, not Big Brother. Gggrrrr. And a certain Scouser was supposed to ring me at 4. He rang 110 minutes late. Then he said he'd ring at 5 past 9. He never rang at all. Sod. I hardly had a minute to myself at all. Today, I had my table taken over by noisey creatures while I was trying to concentrate on the film I'm working on. After escaping them, I went to get a lead for my Aria after 6 months and my heels were hurting. My lovely new adidas shoes were EATING ME! I had to buy plasters. Aah, better. So, with soothed heels, I went and nabbed myself a computer. For 2 hours. And at 3 minutes to 2, this cheeky guy comes up to me and says "It's 2:00". No it was not. I still had time to send an email and close everything down. Gimp. So, here I am, with slightly sore heels, writing this. But there is one thing that's making me smile. There's a cute guy across the way, looking in my direction.....
8th June 2000
Birthdays and the Lack of Boyfriends
As I look back on the 17 years and 362 days that have gone by, I am troubled. Almost 18 years old, and not a boyfriend to show for it. Well, I have one in my sight, but that doesn't count. His name will not be revealed, but I shall call him Swedish Boy (which is the nickname given by me ex, of all people). Swedish Boy has no idea he's called Swedish Boy (good thing!). Today he was with me in my usual daytime hideaway. When I say "with me", I mean the table next to mine with other people. I was supposed to be working but I couldn't concentrate due to the massive sex appeal of Swedish Boy in his school uniform. Even now I'm quivering! I have tried and failed to catch his attention. I get really annoyed that I always seem to run into him when I'm not looking my best. But I am so thankful that he seen me the other day in my most flattering outfit: the one that shows the real size 8/10 figure I have. Unlike today, big massive baggy hooded top and cut Levi's. At least my hair was clean. Speaking of hair, SB asked me if I was growing my hair again. Does he like long hair? I am growing it actually. But the thing is, if I'm so into SB, why do I still carry around two photos of my ex all the time? Framed. One of me and him and the other is just him. WHY?! Can someone enlighten me? I don't know. It's getting me down. I want to cry. Someone take pity on me and mail me.
5th June 2000
Attention: Men, Women and Aliens
I don't know what it is, but so much has been getting on my goat today. Why can girls only get things when they're dressed like sluts? Some girls I know use the dumb sticks as controlling devices, which is really annoying. Me, I'm no slut and half the time I'm not even regarded as a girl. I'm more of an alien outcast. Like last week, a certain girlie (who shall remain nameless) was using her womanly wiles to the extreme. Dressed in PVC (why?!), one hand on one guy's knee and the other on another guy's head. When it looked like she wasn't going to get her way, she threatened to cause immense pain to one of the lads' unmentionables. She's like that all the time. She's even like that to the girls. Okay, so she doesn't try to kill our unmentionables, but there was this one time (or 17) where she nearly slit my throat with my OASIS necklace just cos I was singing Wonderwall. What's so wrong with that? What gives her the right to deny me to sing a classic OASIS song? I can sing if I want to. Just cos she doesn't like it. One of these days I'm going to blow my top on her. And she's not the only one. There's the stupid band girl (ha ha I've found another band, who allows my to play all the OASIS I want to!!) who I also want to thump. I just want to live in a world where people can get what they want by being nice, where people will stop being control freaks and, most of all, where people can realise that there are people like me who crave love and affection. Nobody realises just how much hurt we can feel. We just want to be noticed for who we are. Is that too much to ask? Probably.
26th May 2000
The Ego Has Landed
Last night I had the privilige of sitting in front of three cute guys. I looked good! Oh yeah! Long black skirt with a split up one side to my thigh. Dangerous! Black tights and black strappy sandals. Plus a white slash-neck top with a red shirt over it. Totally way groovy. I looked so hot! But, the cute guys hardly spoke. I can feel my head expanding with the thought. When I look good, I look good. The odd flash of a leg here and there sets the fellas' pulses racing. Don't think I'm being all egotistical here (well.....), cos they do. I see it happening. The looks. The jaw dropping slightly. The eyebrow raising. I know this because I do the exact same thing when I look at a cute guy! But what really gets on my firmly toned thighs is the unwelcome attention I receive from unruly blokies. That makes my ego deflate to a size that not even a greenfly could see.....
19th May 2000
Control Freak
I'm in a band. It has no name, but I want to call it October Rain. There are 6 other members in this band, 4 of which I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting. Why? Because a certain someone arranges dumb meetings that no one goes to. Except me, stupid sap. The day of the first (and only) one I went to was extemely wet. Short and very sharp showers. I got soaked to the skin twice. And 4 days later I had the flu. And was it worth it? No. The conclusion me and another disgruntled member came to was one word. Bollocks. The Control Freak told us at the meeting that we had to, had to, have songs written within a month. This person has no concept of time. You can't force inspiration. And we were also told that we had to market the band in every way possible. Market? Market?! How the hell are we supposed to market a band that doesn't even have a bloody name yet?! My word. Well, I myself have come up with my own conclusion: either the Control Freak goes, or I go. Simple as that. This person is ruining the whole atmosphere of being in a band. Expecting us to get gigs, when we don't even have songs or covers to play. Stupid, stupid. This is todays rant because tomorrow is the deadline for the songwriting. Ggggrrrr. I'm gone and you know I am.....
18th May 2000
Annoyances
I don't know what it is, but everything today has been annoying me. From shopping (why?) to Yahoo Messenger. Why can't Yahoo Messenger let you stay typing in red? I like red. Why are the price labels not on ALL the products? Like today I spotted a nice purse for one quid and there was another even nicer one from the same range, but with no price on it. WHY??!! How annoying is that?! Annoying enough for me to be able to WRITE SOMETHING today. Shock! And also, I can't seem to get rid of an annoying creature that's all over my face and has been for what seems like an entire lifetime. Is there not a repellant for this type of thing? Tip for today: PISS OFF, I'M HAVING A BAD EGO DAY. Oh yeah, and don't poke me either. I detest it.
17th May 2000
Words
Why is it that when you've got something important to do, you can never find anything good to say for it? The words are in your head, but try to put them on paper and I guarantee they'll they'll turn out like a ferret loose in yer best friend's trousers. Mad. Try as you might, you can never think of anything interesting to say. Bit like me right now. So anyway, I hate word-forgetfulness.
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