Letting Themselves Love

 

 

A single yet wide beam of light shot down to center stage.  Perched awkwardly, yet seriously, a young man, who could have been no older than forty, was reading out loud to his audience.

 

They stared up at him, as if seeking some secret to their existence.  Hoping that he would give it to them for the cost of their entry into this building.  Perhaps also for how much they paid for their drinks as well.

 

“…Pulling them up,” he said seriously as his empty hand went towards the ceiling, “breathing every breath… slowly… slowly…”

 

His voice faded out as he repeated that one word until he was just moving his lips.  Then he began speaking once again: bigger motions, louder language until he was practically screaming at them.  Then suddenly he was standing and pointing to the back of the audience.  They looked to where he was pointing but there wasn’t anything in particular so they moved their focus back to him as he pointed to no one.

 

“But,” he said squinting a little as he held his arm out straight, unwavering, “you were just your own dream inside my head.”

 

With that he bowed, and the audience showed their appreciation.  Silence.

 

He walked off the stage to the dressing room and began to put his things away, gently tossing them into his bag.  There was a gentle knock on his open door, to which he responded without turning to see who it was.

 

“Sorry,” he said continuing to pack up his things, mostly pens and pads of paper, “but I won’t sleep with just anyone.” Stopping packing to see who it was who wasn’t objecting to his statement he realized what he had said and in that second wished a thousand wishes he could take it back.  All those wishes resulted in one single word, “Oh.”

 

“That’s nice to know, Daniel,” the tall brunette said leaning against the door, “at least some things have changed.”

 

“Actually,” he grinned and laughed quietly as he took a step towards her, “that’s the best one I’ve got to disarm these days.  She put her hand out to shake his and he took another step and hugged her quickly and then let her go before she could respond in kind or say anything to the contrary.

 

She looked at him in shock, “I wasn’t expecting that.”

 

“Well, it has been a while,” slightly turning red he turned back to his giant pile of papers and pads of paper, “what brings you to this side of town?  It certainly isn’t really your kind of people,” giving her a look out of the corner of his eye.

 

“It used to be,” she said going over and sitting down in the one chair in the room, “a long time ago.”

 

“It hasn’t been that long,” Daniel said defensively, “only like…” he paused to count.

 

She nodded, “yeah, that’s what I did too.  Look,” she said suddenly losing the light from her face, “we need to… to talk.”

 

He didn’t like the sound of that, so he turned and fiddled a little with the giant pile of notebooks he was trying to cram into the small bag.  “Serious huh?” was all he was able to muster.

 

Silence fell in the room; he stopped shuffling with his papers as he noted her lack of response.  “It was serious,” he thought to himself, “I wonder what it is.”

 

“Natalie…” he began as he turned around to face her, not sure of what she was about to say but certain that he needed to face her for this.

 

Their eyes met and suddenly he realized to himself that he had never really looked at her before.  All the years they had known each other and he had never had a chance to really look her in the face before.  She was beautiful, he knew, but looking at her he was able to see all the tiny details that he mused he had overlooked.  Skin not so perfect, a few freckles that seemed to appear out of thin air to correct his memory, before he realized they must have always been there.  He also saw that her eyes looked a little bit puffy, but assumed that had to do with the smokers in the audience that she must have been a part of.

 

As they were staring at each other he noticed something else, her eyes seemed different than normal, not including the puffiness.  He began to think about asking just as she lifted her hand and pushed the back of her hand against her eyes, wiping away moisture that had been gathering in the corners.  Suddenly he swallowed and inhaled deeply as he realized why her eyes looked near swollen: she had been crying, and he doubted his performance was that moving.

 

She sighed heavily, and cleared her throat before whispering to him, “It’s… it’s Andy.”

 

He winced physically, he regretted it as soon as he did because of the effect it had on her.  She began to cry, but seemed as if she wanted to pretend like it wasn’t happening.  There was a cold chill that went through him, seemed to go from his chest out to all his limbs.  He suddenly felt really cold, and quite numb.

 

As he found his hand wiping away at his own corners of his eyes, he heard the words he wasn’t expecting to hear ever. “He called me.”

 

“What?!” he shouted, not realizing the volume of his voice as it caused Natalie to jump in the chair.

 

They had been best friends, Daniel and Andy.  Coconspirators, writing together, performing together, traveling together, hooking up with chicks after the shows together, drinking together, making bad jokes together; that his friend was still alive was both a miracle, and the most angering thing in the world for him to hear.  Almost five years prior Andy had just up and left, a month and a day before his wedding with Natalie, leaving her and Daniel alone, one without their love and the other without his best friend.

 

“What?” he repeated more quiet this time, in case she hadn’t realized the word he said the first time.

 

“He… he called me,” she said again before burying her face in her hands.  Suddenly Daniel was next to her and kneeled to wrap his arms around her as she began to sob uncontrollably.

 

As he heard her cry, he couldn’t help but feel more anger towards Andy. “So stupid,” he said to himself, “to leave someone so beautiful for no reason.” Watching a few of Natalie’s tears escape from her hands and fall to the floor he suddenly remembered the first time that it occurred to her that he was missing.  She hadn’t cried this much since that day, did she really save up all those feelings for him for this long?  He felt his hug become a little too long, so he backed up a little and gave her some room, and sat down on the floor in front of her.

 

After a few minutes she got enough control of herself to explain the phone call.  She had thought it was a prank’s call at first, some stupid neighborhood kid perhaps.  It wouldn’t have been the first time, but he seemed to know a lot about their relationship and it took his random question about one of Daniel’s reading for her to realize it was really him: it was Andy.  She let a few more sobs out as she recalled the conversation and what they had said to each other.

 

The whole time Daniel’s head and heart were buzzing loudly to each other, warning lights going off as he tried to console her.

 

“He said,” as she wiped heavily at her eyes and sniffled loudly, “that he was sorry for everything… the drugs,” Daniel nodded slowly, “the lies,” he continued to nod, “the women…”

 

“He loved you, Natalie,” he said quickly, putting his hand on her cheek, “fool that he was.”

 

She nodded and gave him a half smile, “that’s what he said too, and that was the reason he gave me for why he left…”

 

“ ‘Most people have a harder time letting themselves love than finding someone to love them’, Bill Russell,” Daniel said quietly, “a great man.”

 

“I don’t think he was that great walking out on me,” she responded just as quietly.

 

“I meant Bill Rus-“

 

“I know what you meant,” she sniffled and wiped at her eyes again, “I was just saying was all.”

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call much, I just didn’t want it to upset you.”

 

“I know,” she sighed heavily and looked into his eyes, “you know you could have, I always enjoyed our conversations.”

 

He laughed, glad to have a topic other than Andy to talk about, “I’m sure I enjoyed them more, you’re like a different person on the phone.  Or maybe the same person and I just didn’t notice.”

 

“I think you just didn’t notice, or you were just oblivious,” she said prodding him in the shoulder.

 

“I think we all were a little bit oblivious, back then,” Daniel said jokingly, but realized as he said it that he was actually serious.

 

She smiled at him honestly, the first time he had really seen her smile since she showed up at the door.  He suddenly felt very uncomfortable in his skin, so he stood up and began to pick up his notebooks again.

 

“I’m just… I don’t know what to say,” he said very quickly, “I thought you’d associate me with him.”

 

She stood up behind him and gently put her hand on his shoulder, “no,” was all she said.

 

Staring at the wall, he could feel the heat from her hand as it rested on his shoulder. “Natalie,” he said not turning around, “that was a long time ago and I-“

 

“You don’t feel the same?”

 

“I do,” he said quietly, as he lowered his head to look at the floor, “and that’s why-“

 

“He said,” she interjected yet again, removing her hand this time to straighten her hair out a little, “that you used to tell him on many occasions how lucky he was.  To have me.”

 

Daniel turned around quickly, “he was a lucky bastard, and then to go out and sleep with all those women it just…” he trailed off as he clenched his fists.

 

She stared at him, giving him a curious look.

 

“…Bothered me,” he finished.

 

Natalie turned away from him and absent mindedly picked at her fingernails when she asked him her next question. “Do you still…?” was all that she said, allowing the silence to finish the question for her.

 

A silence settled in the room, this one more awkward and tense than the last one.  After a few moments she turned to face him, and he opened his mouth.

 

All he got out was “I-“ before she closed the space between them and pressed her lips against his.

 

“Hey!” a loud knock at the door and a short slightly overweight gentleman yelping at the two of them caused the kiss to end as abruptly as it started. “One of you love birds show me where the dressing room is?”

 

Daniel laughed quietly as Natalie turned away from the stranger. “It’s right here, we’ll be out in a second,” he replied to the man in the doorway.

 

They walked outside, both of them not sure of what to say.  Smiling to himself, Daniel still felt there was some unseen conflict inside that he would have to deal with.

 

“He said he wasn’t coming back,” was all she was able to say while they were walking towards his car.

 

He wasn’t able to think of anything to respond with, so he didn’t respond.

 

She continued talking, since it was obvious that he wasn’t going to, “I had already gotten over him already, I knew when I found out it was him on the phone.  When I realized it was really him.  His voice was the last push to finally get past him.  Hearing him gave me closure to the feelings I had for him.  And I told him that.”

 

They stopped at Daniel’s car; they turned and looked at each other for the first time since the kiss.  It was dark in the parking lot but he could still see how gorgeous she was in the combined lamplight and moonlight.

 

“I was always jealous of you,” he said suddenly and quickly, grinning at her.

 

“Jealous of me?”

 

“That Andy is one handsome man,” her response was a soft, but not so-soft punch to his shoulder.

 

“You’re more beautiful than you realize,” he whispered smiling broadly.

 

She blushed and blurted out, “You say that to every girl that punches you?”

 

“Yes, in self defense, but I really mean it when I say it to you.”

 

She began to turn even redder, so she looked up in the sky to try to hide her embarrassment.  He noticed it, and looked up into the sky as well.  He continued looking as he saw her stop looking up and watched him instead, pretending that he didn’t notice her staring.

 

There was a long silence as he continued to feel her staring at him as he made lines between the stars as he was staring at them.

 

He spoke up first, “I have another show tomorrow, at the Cup-A-Joe, if you want to-“

 

“I’ll be there,” she replied quickly.

 

He stopped staring up, looked straight at her and smiled, saying the only word that he could muster, “Great.”

 

“Could you drop me off?” she asked, feeling embarrassed again, “I had to catch a cab over here, my car is in the shop.  Long story.”

 

“It can’t be that long.  You were driving.  Now the car is in the shop.  Just have to connect the dots,” he laughed quietly, and she punched him a little more roughly this time in his other shoulder.

 

“Good,” he said walking around her and going to open the passenger door, “now I’m evenly bruised.”

 

She walked over and sat down in the seat, saying “I doubt you bruise that easily.”

 

“You’d be surprised,” he said sadly, half frowning, “I’m like a damn banana sometimes.”

 

She smiled up at him, and he stared back at her as she sat there unmoving.

 

“Like what you see?” she asked more brazenly than she even expected herself.

 

“Always have,” he said not knowing how long that confession had been waiting to come out, but glad that it finally had.

 

She blushed and looked forward, so he slowly closed the door and walked over to his side of the car.  He opened the door and slowly sat down, closing the door quietly.

 

A minute passed and they were gone, the car’s headlights breaking the darkness in front of the car easily.  Together they dove off into the dark night.