To help you understand, let me first give you some background information about my life. My husband James and I were married in December of '81. We had been married less than a year when it was discovered I had an extremely advanced case of endometriosis. (For those of you who do not know, endometriosis is a disease which attacks the reproductive system and often causes infertility). We were told if we wanted to have children to start trying right away because the disease only worsens with age.
Eight long years of heartache followed; years of prayer, hopefulness and then disappointment. After six operations, I found myself lying on a operating table, having a complete hysterectomy. I had already been told that my ovaries were completely destroyed and that I could never conceive, but still, I could always hope: The hope was now gone. The pain of that day was more that I can express. More that anything in the world I wanted a child; I wanted to be a "Mommy." I had prayed, I had promised, I had begged and I had believed. How did this happen? I just could not understand. Didn't I have enough faith? I was soon to learn that "faith" is a journey and the longer we travel on our journey, the stronger our faith becomes. Even though we do not always understand God's ways, we must acknowledge that His way will always be the best for He knows exactly what He is doing. Sometimes it is hard to believe that any good can come out of certain situations but we must learn to trust Him.
The next 7 years were a virtual roller coaster of ups and downs. Many times the excitement of a prospective adoption would have me riding high, only to have my heart plummet to the ground when things would fall through. My family and friends were all having children, and with each new arrival I was thrilled and tormented at the same time. I had always believed that God would give me a child. Never had I doubted that it would someday happen, but my faith was growing weak. Did God not see my tears, did He not feel my pain or know the longing in my heart? Didn't He hear my pleas?
Oh, but if only we could look into the future and see what God has in store. If we could only know that the next prayer may be the one to change our lives. Looking back, I remember the prayer that I believe changed everything for me. It happened one night in late 1995. I was envisioning what it would be like to be a Mother; to know the love of a child. I thought about what it would feel like to have tiny arms wrap around my neck and see innocent eyes look up at me with such unconditional love. I cried out to God. I did not want to go through my entire life and die without experiencing that kind of love. Suddenly, I felt God's Spirit touch mine. He wrapped His arms of love around me and comforted me as if I were a child. I could feel His peace surround me as He told me I would be a Mother. I knew with more certainty than ever before that it would happen. God was about to set His plan into action. I did not know it at the time, but the day that would change my life, was just around the corner. Mother's Day, 1996.
James and I had just began attending a new church. It was a great little church and the people were wonderful. On our very first visit, James told the pastor that I could sing, and he (the pastor) insisted that I come back that night and sing for them. I love to sing, but the thought of getting up in front of a crowd of strangers terrified me. Every time I went to church and had to sing I was a nervous wreck. I started making excuses not to go because I didn't want them to ask me to sing.
The week before Mother's Day, the church was holding a revival. Every night, James would ask me if I was going and I would make up a reason not to. The last night of the revival was Mother's Day and once again James tried to get me to go. He told me they had been looking forward to hearing me sing and I should go. A part of me wanted to, but I had not been to church on Mother's Day in years. It had just gotten to be too painful.
I began to feel guilty. Still not having made up my mind, I decided to take a shower, "just in case." I stood there in the shower with tears flowing, struggling with the decision to go or not, and I heard God speak to me more clearly than I had ever heard Him before. He said, "Why can't you go and do such a small thing as sing a song for me, when I have done so much for you." My decision was made. With tears flowing harder than ever, I vowed to sing for the Lord wherever and whenever I could. I realized He had blessed me with a talent and I would be obedient to His calling. Submission to His will changed my life.
That night, I went and sang for the Lord with all of heart and strength. During the altar call, James took my hand and whispered to me, "Do you want to go and pray for a baby?" I said yes. As we knelt at the alter, we were immediately surrounded by prayer warriors of God! The people of that church, who I had tried so hard to avoid, were on their knees with us, interceding before God. God heard and He answered. Less than a week later, I learned of a young woman who was looking for a home for her unborn child. Before I contacted her, I got on my knees and prayed, "Lord, if it is Your will for me to have this child, I am trusting You to work everything out." Praise God, He always has.~~~~~~Within 6 weeks, I was in the delivery room witnessing the birth of my daughter. He is so wonderful!!!!!!!! Shortly before her birth I was studying the scriptures and God gave me this verse--------
and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Commit thy way unto the Lord;
trust also in him and he shall bring it to pass.
Psalms 37:4&5
Satan has tried in so many ways to interfere in the work God is doing in my life, but no matter what he tries, he can never defeat God's purpose. You see, this did not end up to be a simple adoption. Unlike most cases however, it was the biological father, not mother, that came into the picture. For the past 3 1/2 years, God has been by our side through numerous court proceedings and He has never failed us, nor will He.
Sometimes it is hard to know what Gods will is. I have spent countless hours seeking guidance from the Lord and I have learned through prayer and studying the scriptures, one can get definite answers. To give an example of what I mean: At one point I did wonder if what I was doing was right. I prayed as I held my Bible and I asked God to speak to me through His Word and show me what to do. I flipped through my Bible and it opened at Ephesians 4:31 & 32
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. Be ye kind one to another tenderhearted forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
You see, I harbored bad feelings toward both biological parents for the situation we were in but God was telling me that I must forgive them before He could work to the fullest in my life. I asked God to forgive me for my unforgiveness and to help me feel only love and kindness and He changed my heart. ~~~~~Next, by Bible fell open to Daniel 10:4-12
"And in the four and twentieth day of the first month, as I was by the side of the great river, which is Hiddekel; (v 5) Then I lifted up mine eyes and looked, and behold a certain man clothed in linen, (v 11) And he said unto me, O Daniel, a man greatly beloved, understand the words that I speak unto thee, and stand upright: for unto thee am I now sent. Then he said unto me, Fear not, Daniel: for from the first day that thou didst set thine heart tounderstand, and to chasten thyself before God, thy words were heard, and I am come for thy words."
When I first read these words, I couldn't make much sense of it (how it could relate to me) other than the Lord heard me. It wasn't until the next week, when we found out our court date, that I understood. The hearing was set for January 24th (four and twentieth day of the first month). I was amazed. I felt not only was God telling me He heard, but that He would come, He would be there with us at the hearing.
Once again I prayed. I told God that I had faith He would work everything out but I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. If He wanted me to give my baby up, I would for I knew He would help me through anything, I just needed to know what to do. As I opened my Bible I read these word from I Chronicles 14:15
"And it shall be, when thou shalt hear a sound of going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then thou shalt go out to battle for God is gone forth before thee to smite the host of the Philistines."
I PRAISED GOD, for He had given me the answer I sought. From that moment on, I had no doubt. I had no fear. My God would be with me and if God is for me, who can be against me!
The Lord led me to a couple of other uplifting scriptures and lastly to Isaiah 14:3
"And it shall come to pass in the day that the Lord shall give thee rest from thy sorrows and from thy fear and from the hard bondage wherein thou wast made to serve."
What comforting words to end my prayer session with. Many would say that this is just a coincident. That you can take a verse and read into it what you want it to say, but what are the chances of randomly opening the Bible to passages that relate so directly to ones life. It is much more than a coincident. God will speak to us if we will but listen and trust our heart to know His voice.
The Lord has taught me so much in the last few years, especially about faith. We want to blame our lack of faith on our "human nature" to doubt. But what really makes us doubt is a lack of trust. If we fully trusted God, then how could we doubt He will always do what is best for us? Faith is more than just asking for something and expecting to get it. To me, faith is a complete surrendering and an unyielding and unwavering trust.
God has truly worked a miracle in my life, in more ways than one. There has been no obstacle that He has not helped me over, no barrier that He has not moved. It is incredible what God can do.
I don't know why I am so amazed by God's power, but I am. I think what amazes me is not what He can do, but that He does it for me!!!!
e-mail.
May God Bless You Always,
Dee Dee
or how I could have made it without your love and prayers.
I thank God that He has given me such a wonderful "FAMILY"
~~THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART~~
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