Decisions of Love: Fragments
by Cirrus

Note: The first part of "Decisions of Love" can be found at Comicality's Shack Out Back.

 I.

I don’t remember the next week at all. Stop. Erase and rewind. Correction. I remember everything at the same time I can’t recall anything. From the moment I opened that door-

…pulling open the door, smile on my face, ready to laugh at whatever drunken antics Mark had got up to this time, only to find…

-to my confrontation with Mark, I had purpose. Resolve. Narrative. But then I was free. Empty. I drifted. And everything became fragments.

Staring at the same math problem for twenty minutes. If y equals, what is x? And I had no clue. No clue at all.

In the school cafeteria. Todd stared at me concerned. The look. Begging me. Pleading with his eyes to let me in, to let me help, let me take away the pain for you. And I couldn’t say anything, because I didn’t know how. I felt numb. Numb and senseless.

The peanut butter sandwich in my hand had no taste. The bread was stale. The spread dry and flavourless. I chewed.

Home. Images floated across the television screen. A television interviewer was empathising with tearful Hollywood celebrity who had recently broken up with another Hollywood celebrity.

A newsreader solemnly announced that a flood in Bangladesh had killed thousands, before joyfully informing us that Mrs. Smith’s tabby cat Whiskers had been successfully found in Wichita, Kansas.

In a crowded hallway, Roger pinned a freshman to her locker with his charm, leaned close and whispered sweet nothings in her ear.

I scribbled down the next line of the equation. Hieroglyphics stared back. The comprehension of what I had just done, or what I should do next, eluded me.

…pushing the door open to find the two of them, on the bed, together…

In between sobs, the celebrity reminded us that her new movie opens next week, only in theatres. The newsreader nodded sympathetically.

The dough and peanut butter mix rolled around in my mouth. Molars and incisors ground the sandwich into a gooey paste. And yet I couldn’t swallow. It sat there, churning.

Mrs. Smith beamed, and profusely thanked all those who had taken the time to look for Whiskers. Whiskers squirmed.

Todd’s eyes stared at me. Silent, but imploring.

…together, grinding against each, mouths parting and joining, searching, seeking…

Maybe it wasn’t Roger talking to the girl after all. I repeat the scene and see only blank faces. No mouths, no eyes, no noses, no ears. Just egg-shell blankness on every person.

The interviewer showed an exclusive clip of the celebrity’s new movie. She emoted on film, as her character’s relationship with her co-star ended.

…short gasps of breath snatched between bondings, hands groping, moving, startled eyes opening wide…

Only in theatres.

X equals.

Todd’s eyes.

II.

The rock had been there millions of years. According to the geologists, would probably be there many more. Whatever forces of weather, grit, erosion and geological upheaval have carved away at the lake and surrounding hills had foundered on this rock.

That comforted me.

For as long as I could remember it had been my place of refuge. My place to escape. To think. To re-assemble my jumbled thoughts into some kind of coherent order.

I was in need of coherence.

The rock overlooked a small lake. Forested hills surrounded the lake on all sides. Small beaches dotted the shoreline. When the weather was hot enough, a few people came up here to swim. But those who knew liked to keep it a secret, and the various local authorities had never worked whose jurisdiction the lake was in long enough for any money to build a proper track.

So it was visited only by the knowledgeable, and the determined.

"I thought you might come here eventually."

I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. I had only ever bought one of my friends up here. And that person wasn’t Mark or Roger.

"Hi Todd."

Maybe subconsciously I knew something that my conscious mind didn’t? Was that why I had this place a secret from the first love I thought I’d ever had?

Todd sat down. For a while he didn’t say anything at all.

Then – "It looks like it’s going to be a good sunset."

He was right. The sun was already hanging low, painting the tiny ripples on the lake gold. A bronze glow was already starting to radiate from the horizon.

I didn’t say anything.

Todd just sat.

I had felt the need building all day. I had paced around the house aimlessly for hours. Starting something, then stopping, leaving it incomplete. Maths homework. A game of Tetris. The card I was making for my mother’s birthday.

And all the time, thoughts tumbled around my head in endless repeating cycle of white noise.

I needed silence. Time to sit, think, and let the whole jumble of conflicting motions leak out and be lost on the winds.

At the very same time, Todd and I turned to each other and-

"Do you remember when-?"

We looked at each other, then giggled at the whole incongruity of it. To choose the same moment, to say the same thing. There was a back and forth of "you go – no, you go".

"The first time you brought me here."

I remembered.

"It was a ninety degree day, and my mother had kicked us out of the house for jumping on the sofas one time too many."

"I still managed to nail that suplex."

"Yeah, but who wimped out on the piledriver?"

"Then you told me you knew this secret place."

"Indiana Jones hacking through the bush."

"To find El Dorado."

Standing on that sandy white beach. Looking across the blue water while the oppressive summer heat beat down on us. How old were we then? Twelve? Turning to Todd.

- Let’s go swimming.

Todd had already pulled his shirt off. I saw grooves and shape and definition. He looked at the lake. He looked around. He looked at me.

- Let’s go skinny dipping.

I readied my objections. But he didn’t give me time.

- There’s no one else around.

He looked at me slyly.

- I double dare you.

Then before I could say anything, he had stripped off completely, and sprinted into the lake, tripping and diving with an almighty splash. Finding depth, he lazily paddled out, and floated, staring back at shore.

- The water’s warm.

I was suddenly aware of a queasy feeling in my stomach. One that wasn’t there before. I kind of liked it, but it scared me at the same time.

I slowly peeled my t-shirt off, trying to come to grips with this new feeling. It seemed to defy explanation, or understanding. Then I realised uncomfortable stirrings were beginning to manifest themselves down below.

If I waited then…

It didn’t bare thinking about.

With a burst of energy I whipped off my shorts and underwear, and ran towards water.

I remember splashing and wrestling. Dunking contests and "who can hold their breath longest competitions". I remember sprawling on the warm sand naked beside Todd, laughing, exhausted.

I remember the beginning of awareness. The start of a fear that would gnaw away me for the next four years.

"Did you ever bring Mark here?"

"Nope. Never did."

"Why not?"

"It was a special place. No, it was our special place."

"Josh?"

"Yeah."

"The last two months… The last two months have been the hardest of my life."

I looked at him quizically.

"Huh?"

"It hurt to see you so happy. To see you and Mark together like that. He made you… ‘alive’ in a way I never could."

The words stung like daggers. I could feel my eyes starting to water.

"But you brought Mark and I together. I thought it was what you wanted."

"It was. But then suddenly I was the fifth wheel. I was redundant. After doing so much, do you know how much pain it caused me to step back? To leave you alone? To not wait for the late night phone call because you’d be talking to Mark instead. I had to do it. It didn’t mean I liked it."

"I had no idea."

"I couldn’t let you know. Your relationship with Todd was too important."

I could feel the tears streaming down my face now. At the same time I was giving my heart to Mark, just for him to betray me, I had neglected my closest friend. It hurt too much.

"I’m sorry," I sobbed.

Todd scooted closer on the rock.

"I’m sorry."

He puts his arms around me. Hugged me close.

"It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault at all."

I wrapped my arms around him. We drew each other tighter. My cheek slid against his.

And suddenly there was something different in the air.

A sniffle. Then silence.

Our breaths mingled. Heartbeats slowed.

Our mouths. Our lips. So close. Did I move? Or did he? The space between us narrowed, then disappeared.

Contact.

A feathering of mouths. The briefest whisper of a kiss.

Then a parting. Todd’s arms dropped, but he stayed close.

"I knew. Or at least I think I did. That day at the lake. Going skinny dipping. That was my idea."

The tide of thoughts had pulled back in that instant – but now they flooded back with a vengeance, a deluge of questions all clamouring to be asked at once.

Todd turned to me. Looked me straight in the eyes.

"Josh. I love you. I wouldn’t have felt… everything… over the past few months… no make that years, if I didn’t. And there might be part of me that’s like you. Part of me that’s…"

He couldn’t say the word. He paused, then resumed in a rush.

"…but I don’t whether it’s all of me, or just fragment. I don’t if it’s a phase, or is with me for life. I don’t know if it’s only for you. I’m confused and scared and frightened of what it might mean. But I’m pretty sure of one thing. If I… we… do anything, our relationship will change. And I don’t know if it will be for the better. Part of me might like it, and the other part might hate myself for liking. I don’t want to be in that position. I don’t want to be any more divided than I already am. I want to be your best friend. The person who helps you out. The person you turn to share the deep, confusing stuff. You need that person right now. And so do I."

"This is going to be hard you know."

"Yep."

"There are going to be other Marks."

"Yep."

"And you’ll have to stand back and let it happen."

"Yep."

"And I’m going to be comparing every single one of them to you."

"Yep."

We both mulled the prospects over in our minds.

"Let’s go swimming." I was already tearing my shirt off.

"Last one in’s a…".

I leapt. Off the rock. Into the blue. Into the great unknown. The future was waiting.