Author's Note: This story makes reference to the events and characters in "Only in my Dreams" by Comicality. The original can be found at http://www.teenboyauthors.org/comicality/.

But this story is also a tribute (and a very long goodbye) to another favourite net author of mine, who is now off-line and out of reach indefinitely. Some of you might recognise who I'm talking about; I hope it's not too obtuse for the rest.

But Not Forgotten
By Cirrus

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: November 12 1997
Subject: Cool Story!

Um hi.

I read your story on one of the newsgroups. I liked it a lot. Alton Towers sounds pretty cool. There isn't anyplace like that around here (at least none close enough until I get my driver's licence). I live in Chicago btw. Are you going to write any more stories?

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: November 15 1997
Subject: Re: Re: Cool Story!

Thanks for the reply. I'll be on the lookout for the next story.

Let's see: I'm 14. I've just started my first year of high school. How does the school system work in the UK? I guess I like most kinds of music. I haven't heard of some of the bands you mentioned. Are they English groups? I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it's getting pretty damned cold here.

Catch you later,
Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: January 21 1998
Subject: It's finally here.

New story! Woo hoo! But ahhhh - only the first chapter. How long am I going to have wait for the rest?

Christmas was fun. I got a stereo from my parents. I spent a couple of days trying to track down some of the guys you mentioned. Mike Oldfield was a bit different from what I expected - but in a good kind of way.

As usual, the snow fell either side of Christmas, but managed to melt for the day itself. Since then it's been weeks of darkness and slogging through muddy slush. What's the weather like in your part of the world?

Are you going to put up a website? Everyone seems to be doing it now.

Gotta go for now,
Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: March 13 1998
Subject: Website

Hiya Dan.

It's kind of fun that you finally have a name now. And a face! I like the new website. You even have your own domain name! I had to dig out a dictionary just to work out what the heck "domicile" means though.

I can't wait till you get round to completing the other sections. I'm amazed you find the time to write and get all your school work. I don't seem to have any spare time at all at the moment.

No matter how many times you say it, I will never believe that you like Hanson simply for the music. Especially after that last chapter!

Do you ever chat on IRC? Just curious.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: March 17 1998
Subject: Hiya again

What a chat! What time did you stay up till? I was getting pretty late in this time zone, so it must have been nearly breakfast in your part of the world.

You have a pretty active imagination there. Are you sure you haven't done anything IRL before? :)

I'm trying to get a photo scanned sometime. A website? Not a chance. What on earth would I put up there? You're the writer!

Anyway, got an essay to write. Catch you later.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: March 28 1999
Subject: Alone

Do you ever get the feeling that you have no one to talk to? I mean, really talk to? Not just swapping boring chit-chat, but about the really deep important things?

I don't, and I feel so very, very alone.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: April 1 1999
Subject: Thanks

I needed that - the e-mail and the chat. Thanks just for listening. It's unfair to burden you with my angst. I'm sorry, but I just didn't know where else to turn.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed when your tell your parents.

Me? I don't think I have the courage to make that step yet.

An analogy (my English teacher would be so proud I found a use for that word):

Last year our family went canyoning in Canada. Basically you work your way down a gorge, throwing yourself off really big rocks in pools of (really *frigging* cold) water. Well right now, I'm standing on the rock. And once I step off, there's no turning back, or changing my mind.

I'm just not ready. There's a part of me that still hopes that this is just a phase.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: May 2 1998
Subject: Oh! My! God!

YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

What's his name? How old is he? Is he cute? Where did you meet? Does he kiss well? Tell me EEEEVVVVVVVVVVEEEERRRRRRRYYYYYYYTHING!!!!!! Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me noooooooooooooooooowwwwwwww!!! <-- Best whiny little kid voice :)

I'm dying here! I need to know!

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: May 3 1998
Subject: You're kidding

No way. No f----- way man. It does not happen that way. Absolutely not. You are oh-so pulling my leg.

Let me restate the rules for you. We are gay teenagers. We cower in fear in the closet. We do not tell our parents. If we do, they misunderstand us completely. Misery and suffering follow. If the cutest person we have ever met wanders into our lives, we do not tell them we like them. They are never gay. We pine away for what could never be. We do not discover that are also gay, that are also attracted to us, and fall into love by accident. A gay teenager is an unhappy teenager. THOSE ARE THE RULES!

YOU'RE NOT PLAYING FAIR!

How dare you raise the hopes for the rest of us, and lead us to aspire to sometime that will not ever happen?

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: May 3 1998
Subject: About my last rant

I realised you may get the wrong idea about the last message.

No, I'm not angry. Seething with jealousy, maybe (you lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky sod....), but not angry. I'm very happy for both of you. If your stories are anything to go by, it couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

Poor Taylor will be heartbroken! :)

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: July 22 1998
Subject: Back again

Do you know it's been almost three months since my last e-mail? I lost so track when we chatting so much, and then summer camp...

I think camp is worse than school. At least during term time, you can go and home to er.. "relieve" all the sexual tension you build up during the day. But at camp, you're surrounded by cute guys ALL THE TIME! I was a quivering wreck by the time I got back.

There was one kid there, about 13, who was soooooo cute. I died about every time I saw him. And that was *before* we went swimming.

No, I didn't tell him! No, nothing happened! You think I have a death wish or something? The last thing I want is to be on the run in some hick southern state if someone found out.

I think the new story is even better than the last one. Your school sounds so amazing. I want to be there! I want to be there now! Anything to get out of this life.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: October 12 1998
Subject: It's been a while

Hiya Dan.

Not sure when you'll read this. You haven't been on IRC for a while, so I guess you're back at school again. The story updates haven't been quite as frequent either, so I guess the teachers are starting to load you up. I can't believe how many chapters you've written. I'm starting to wonder if its ever going to end.

What's been happening in my mundane life? The usual angst and then some.

A nice couple of months drifting to sleep thinking about every lost opportunity with that kid from summer camp. I'm finally getting over it, and then HE shows up.

I've got it so bad. Every time I'm near him I feel my stomach sliding right and slipping along the floor. Really! Ever had that feeling where you're burning hot and freezing cold at the same time. Or you're gulping air, but can't catch your breath? Or you're walking on absolutely nothing at all? There are times when I swear I can't feel my legs at all. I'm bracing myself to just topple over at any moment. "I've fallen, and I can't get up."

Thank god, we don't share any classes together. I have a chance of some passing grades.

It's when I get out that the problems start. I mean, it's a big school, but he manages to run into me ALL THE TIME. I'm paranoid that I'm going to collapse into a twitching, bone-less jelly-like ooze in front of him one of these days.

It's sooo bad. I have to run past him every time he appears, just to get away. Does he have any idea of the effect he's having on me? I don't what scares me more - the thought that he doesn't, or the thought that he might.

Ahhhhhh.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: October 13 1998
Subject: I am *not* smitten!!!

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: October 14 1998
Subject: No, I will *not* tell him!

For crying out loud, Dan, that works in your world. It does not work mine (also known as "The Real World'). What do you think I'm going to say? "Hi, I'm gay, and hopelessly in lust with you?"

It actually scares me. Physically scares me. Cause until now I could still pretend. I read the stories, look at the pictures, chat on IRC. But it's the Internet. It doesn't mean anything.

But Jeremy (*sigh*)... Jeremy is real life. And he's there. And every time I see him I realise this is not a phase. I will not change. It will not go away.

What am I going to do?

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: October 14 1998
Subject: Re: Love letters

Look, I've got my doubts okay.

I mean, writing stuff down seems like a recipe for suicide. What's that line in The Lost World? "This is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas". Those kind of notes always seem to get out. And then I am a dead man.

Besides story writing is your thing. I don't have the patience.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: October 16 1998
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Letters

Poetry?

I dunno. Sounds downright dodgy to me. But if it helps stave off the coronary for another week, I'll give it a go.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: December 10 1998
Subject: What's going on?

Is something up? That last chapter was DARK. Like 180 degrees away from everything else you have ever written ever. And it just came out of nowhere.

As far as I can remember, the father is the first character you've ever written with no redeeming features what so ever. I found it hard to believe that any parent, no matter how prejudiced, bigoted, ignorant or stupid would remain completely unmoved by what happened. I'm sure you had your reasons for writing it the way you did. I just can't see them from here.

Just hope everything is okay with you.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: December 18 1998
Subject: I should have guessed

When I think about it, it was obvious really. I guess you're the one's who know. I'm interested in seeing where the story is going to go from here.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: January 1 1999
Subject: Happy New Year!

It was great to chat you again last night... (this morning?). It seems like its been ages. Made my night really. Up till then it was shaping up as a pretty crappy New Years.

Of all the holidays, New Year's is the one that seems to get the most hype beforehand, and end up being the most disappointing afterwards. I mean, it's a New Year, a new beginning, twelve months of new possibilities, and I'm just relieved I'm away from HIM for two weeks. Fourteen days with perfect balance. Who would have thought I'd be celebrating that?

I'm not sure if the poetry is helping, but it's turning into another crutch I can't do without. I'm turning into a regular little wordsmith you know.

***

You stand
Alone
In the yard.
A point of stillness
In a vibrating chaos of activity.
Your breath
Makes clouds.
Whispers of the
Soul.

A moment
Captured
Frozen
Preserved.
In the silence
We are together
Alone.

Your breath
On my cheek
In my nostrils
In my lungs.
I cannot move.

I am filled with you.

***

That's my favourite so far. I've written a lot of rubbish as well. Tomorrow, I'll probably think the same about this one.

When is the next chapter coming?

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: March 9 1999
Subject: What are you up to?

I haven't heard from you in ages. The story production line seems to have slowed down a bit. I think you've written two new chapters since Christmas. It's probably those exams you keep talking about.

HE is still continue to terrorise my life. The other day he actually asked what I had in my book bag. Only one hundred poems about HIM! Gaaagh! I swear he's following me around sometimes.

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: April 22 1999
Subject: Took you long enough to reply

Dan, you're getting lazy in your old age. I like the new story. I thought the "it was only a dream" ending to the last story was annoying, but you're starting to convince me it was a good idea.

Got a school trip next week. One of those one's where they drive you into the wilderness (or failing that Minnesota) and teach you to hug trees. Or something like that. C'mon, I never pay attention when they tell us its about.

Later,
Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: May 2 1999
Subject: What's up?

Where's the web page gone? What happened? Why did you take it down?

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: May 15 1999
Subject: Are you there?

Well, this latest incarnation of the page is more encouraging than the last one. But it's still pretty cryptic. Will you be brining the site back? Will you be on IRC?

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: May 22 1999
Subject: Please answer

Dan, if you're still around, drop me a line would you? Let me know you're still alive. Please?

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: June 6 1999
Subject: Testing

Anyone there? Anyone

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: September 22 1999
Subject: Gone but not forgotten

The domain name disappeared about a month ago. I guess the stories won't be reappearing after all. I'm not even sure mailing to this address is going to work. But I have to try.

Things change. People move on. I can understand that. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. But the thing that really annoys me, is that I never really got the chance to say goodbye. One minute you were there. I left for a week and BANG! Off IRC, off the web, off the Internet for good.

I don't even understand why this affects me so much. I've had real friends come and go, and I felt less. I hate this feeling, and I just want it to go away. Is that too much to ask?

"We've come a long, long way together,
through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you, baby,
I have to praise you like I should."

I've been listening to that a lot. I find there are times, when I'm really low, that music is the last thing to stop making sense.

You put so much of yourself into your stories, that I felt I almost knew you. Which is stupid in a way, because I probably didn't know you at all. And for all the chats and e-mails, you probably knew me even less. In a month or a year, will you even remember me at all?

It's so hard. You were there, when all the bad stuff was going down.

And now I've turned the corner. I've got some good news for once. And there's no one around to share it with. The IRC channel's become a ghost town. Nobody there except the bot, and every now then a refugee from the old days. Some people have gone to other channels, others just... gone.

Remember the kid? Jeremy? The one I've been running from the last year?

Well the other day it was raining. So his dad gave us a lift home.

Ending up, alone, in the house, with guy of my dreams, to scared to run, to scared to take the plunge. After two hours of silence hammering down, he just snapped. He said I hated him.

And he was right. I hated him for making me feel weak, and small, and frightened. I hated him for showing me the way out of the prison I have been in for so very, very, long - and being unable to make a step. I hated him because I loved him.

And he forgave me. And he kissed me. And it was the smallest, most delicate, most beautiful kiss you can imagine. And then I felt the strongest, strangest feeling I have ever had...

...when I realised he liked me every bit as much as I liked him.

Friday, I'm in love.

So maybe one thing ends, and another begins... (cue African jungle chorus singing "Circle of Life").

Goodbye, Dan. It's been nice knowing you. I hope you have a long and happy life.

"It's something unpredictable,
but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life."

Steve

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: September 23 1999
Subject: Mail undeliverable - Address unknown

Mail could not be delivered to [email protected]...