Disclaimer: We own absolutely
nothing, damn. The PPC belong to the wonderful Jay and Acacia, OFUM and
Lina Holling belongs to Camilla Sandman, Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling,
GryffindorTower.net belongs to the Queens there, the Imperial March goes to the
Star Wars continuum, and Red Dwarf is Grant Naylor’s (those wonderful
people!). The fic, we don’t even want to own that. And finally
thanks to Jay for betaing this fic, we owe you lots!
Apologies
and Past Mistakes
Two figures sat across from each
other. If any normal person had chosen to walk in, they would have most
likely rubbed their eyes in confusion, stared, and walked quickly away.
One figure was a large, overgrown daisy in a pot. The other one was a
cat. Well, not really a cat, per say, but more like a hybrid between a
cat and a human, hence the term that they (no name in particular) use to call
him: cat-person. The cat's name was Milask, an Agent in Training, who had
been called up into the Marquis de Sod's office. Being new to the whole
PPC, he had to get a partner assigned to show him the ropes.
Well, I am going to assign
you and your partner, if she ever gets here, to the Harry Potter fandom. They had a rather nasty influx of
Badfic in the last little while, the Daisy said. The Department of Bad Slash is in need of a lot of help
"Yes, Mr. Sod. I am
very excited about my first posting," Milask replied, fidgeting in his
seat. There was something about talking with a daisy two times bigger
than yourself that was quite unsettling.
You do understand that we are
not responsible for any mental anguish you sustain here? Needless to say, with all the dreaded
badfics coming in as of late, the fandom was in dire need of Agents, even more
so than in the Lord of the Ring category (prestigious for creating the worst
Mary Sues).
Before Milask could open his
mouth to give a hesitant reply, the door burst open and a short (and we do mean
short), with very large glasses, Asian girl ran in. "I'm sorry I'm
late, got lost," she said to the daisy, "You or one of the other
plants need to put a map in this place." Breathing hard, she looked
from the daisy to the cat...uh...person sitting across from him. "I
didn't know that you kept pets."
"I am not a pet, I am a
cat-like the one off of Red Dwarf," Milask replied with a bit of tension
in his voice. "Is this the human, that I will be working with?"
She blinked, not expecting the
cat to reply. "You have the strangest taste in pets," she said
to the Daisy.
"Didn't you hear me?"
Milask almost shouted, "I am not a pet, pet and I are not equal!"
"Well, I'm sorry," the
girl said, slightly taken aback. She didn't realize the cat was
incredibly sensitive; they were usually so nice and quiet. Then again,
this was the PPC and strange things usually turned up; like Alice, the smart,
talking horse from Rohan. Then, what Milask said before suddenly
registered. "What the...waitasecond. You?" She
pointed to Milask, "You're my partner?"
"But, I'm not good at keeping
pets!" she said to the daisy, "You can't possible expect me
to..."
Miss Dee… the Marquis de Sod said before he was cut
off.
"I mean, I owned a goldfish
once and she died after two days!"
Dee, if you would just be
quiet for a second, I will explain everything, the Marquis said.
She opened her mouth to say
something but closed it, sulking. Now, this is Milask. He is
going to be your new partner. No, I'm not finished yet. Don't
interrupt. You will both be assigned to the HP department of Bad
Slash. And Milask, the daisy turned to the catperson, this is
Agent Dee. Now that introductions are over, please get out of here.
And the agents both found
themselves pushed outside, the door shutting behind them.
"That was rude," the
Asian girl, Dee, said.
"So where is our
office?" Milask asked the girl beside him, thinking of all the ways to be
nasty to her. Thinking that I was a pet! "I mean we get
one, right?"
The girl sighed, clearly unhappy
at the current predicament, "Yeah, from what I remember in the manual,
when you transfer, you usually use the same control center, it's just switched
to a different continuum and department."
"So where do we go from
here?"
"Just follow me."
"Ok."
Twenty-five minutes later, the
two finally found themselves at their destination; when it should have only
taken them a few minutes. "Are you sure you know where to go-
oh. Here we are. So that was a right turn and six lefts?"
Milask tried to remember
"Hm, plus the
elevator. Don't try to remember it, I do and I still get lost," Dee
said, opening the door and flopping down on her usually seat in front of the
console. "Make yourself comfortable. Do you need
anything? Maybe a nice litter box, or a scratch post?"
"I am not an animal, but
some catnip would be nice."
She looked him up and
down. "Are you sure about that?"
"Look Human, if I kept
myself looking like you I would go to a surgeon," Milask said, admiring
himself in any reflection he could find.
Gilderoy Lockhart, anyone?
"You don't have to be so
mean, you know. I've never seen..." She tried to think up a term for
him, "One of your kind before."
"Well, I do keep myself
looking very pristine, and we will have to make room for my suits in
here." Milask looked around the room and saw..."No closet, now where
am I going to put those ten racks?"
"Why...uh, never
mind. How about in your own personal room?" Great, not only
was her partner not of the same species, but he was vain also. The list
just went on and on… ‘Be nice,’ her inner voice admonished. ‘But I
don’t wanna!’ she whined, being nice, or attempting to be nice was no
fun.
Just then the alarm went off.
BEEP, BEEP ARE YOU LISTENING?
BEEP!!!
"What was THAT?"
"Make-things should really
turn that down."
"WHAT?"
"Oh! Our first
assignment!" She said looking at the console screen as words started
to pop up.
"Hmm… who is sleeping with
whom in this one?" Milask asked nonchalantly, preoccupied with rubbing his
poor abused ears.
"Oh dear. This is
bad..." She said, her eyes scanning the screen quickly. "It
seems that Harry and Voldemort are soul mates."
"Ok, they are mortal
enemies, how would they be soul mates again?" Milask was
disturbed.
"Do you want to see for
yourself? Dumbledore explains it in a few disgusting
paragraphs."
Getting up, Dee went over to the
corner and picked up two large backpacks. "Hmm, how well-versed are
you in Potter canon?"
"Fairly well, I know that
this would never happen, and the canon characters would be horrified at the
thought."
"Eh, when you have time,
though this is the PPC and you almost never do, read the books. Let me
check our supplies first. Portal generator, CAD, paperback copies of the
canon, candles, and chocolate." She handed him the backpack.
"Don't we have to change
first?"
"Oh, right, let me set our
disguises." She went over to the console and started tapping some
buttons. "There, Fifth Year Gryffindors." Then, it was as
if she realized the priviledge of being in this particular continuum.
"Oh! Perhaps we can meet Ron!
"Aren't we to have as
little contact with the canon characters as possible?" Milask asked,
seeing the glee in Dee's eyes, the first and foremost sign of a luster.
Well, if you don’t count the glomping and the drooling.
"We can admire from
afar." Her eyes dazed off before she shook her head, probably
thinking of some perverted fantasy that would best be not described.
"Okay, let's go."
Milask took the portal device
and hit it on the wall to no avail. It bounced off the wall and hit him
squarely on the forehead. "What am I doing wrong here?"
He asked, rubbing the sore spot, a disgruntled look on his face.
"Didn't they teach you
anything in training? You just push the button." To
demonstrate, she took her own generator and pushed said button. "See?
Oh, and if you break anything, you can find your own way into Make-Thing's
lab."
The two of them stepped into the
portal and reappeared in Dumbledore's office. It was exactly like it
looked in the movie, with the sorting hat on a bookshelf and portraits of past
headmasters hanging all over. “Oh, Fawkes is so pretty!” Dee
exclaimed, pointing to the phoenix.
"Yes, the author should
apologize for making us go through this dreaded excuse for a fic," Dee
said.
"And the mistake was to
write it,” Milask commented.
"Disclaimer, yadda yadda
yadda. Okay, we might as well sit back and observe, this is funny."
Dee took out a bar of Hersheys. "Chocolate?" There was
that ‘being nice’ rule again. Well, it wasn’t a rule set in stone but it
was a personal rule and kept her from killing anyone who annoyed her.
"Yes please!"
The two leaned against a bookshelf, eating and watching the abysmal scene
unravel before them.
"Have you ever heard of
binding spells Harry?"
"No, Professor."
"Oh.well.they are
extremely powerful spells. They bind one person to another, completing the
other person completely. I guess you could call them soul mates."
"Ugh, the unnecessary
periods... Never heard of such a spell before."
"Well you shouldn't have,
they don't exist!" Milask noted.
"Think about how the spell
could be used as character abuse if fangirls ever get their hands on it,"
Dee said, with an ominous tone, though she mentally saved the information for
later. Not that she was going to use it, of course not, it was
for…insurance. Yeah, that’s it.
"I am not listening, I am
not listening. La la la la la la..." Milask went off.
"I have some news Harry
- you've been bound to someone."
The words stunned Harry to
silence. His mouth opened in shock and he run a hand through his unruly hair
nervously. He finally found his voice and looked up, finding Dumbledore's sad
blue eyes fixed intently on him. There was no twinkle in his eyes now.
"Who?"
"Why is it that they always
describe Dumbledore as having a twinkle in his eyes? Is that the only
description they could come up with?"
"There is some thing that
is always fixated on, be glad that it is only the eyes. There are some
places that I would not want a description of," Milask commented.
"Be glad you’re not in the
Mary Sue department, too many ‘emerald green eyes, fiery red hair,’ or
‘cerulean and silver eyes,’ or ‘silver yet pink hair’ or…"
“I get the picture,” said
Milask, putting up his hand in annoyance.
Then, Dumbledore proceeded to
give Harry the horrible news. And it was horrible, the mere thought of it
made both of the agents cringe. He was bound to Voldemort (well,
Dumbledore’s exact words were, “…the most brilliant student ever to come to
Hogwarts,,,powerful, handsome.talented.and extremley likable to those who got
to know him.” Aye, the bad punctuation.) The two agents could
hear overly dramatic music playing in the background.
"Music is a bit dramatic,
don't you say?"
"Well, aspiring authors
tend to have a penchant for it," Dee replied, plugging her ears.
Damn, that music was annoying.
Milask then began to hum the
Imperial March theme from Star Wars. That tune was more annoying; she
winced, trying to plug her fingers in her ears harder. Those two tunes
should not be mixed together.
Harry stared at Dumbledore as if
he had grown three heads and just said that he was about to join Voldemort. The
words rolled around his brain, trying desperately to sink in. He was bound to
Tom.no, he was bound to Voldemort! This had to be some sick joke.
"It isn't a joke
Harry."
"Damn!"
"Don't tempt us like
that!" Milask pulled out his CAD from the right pocket of his
backpack (“Remember to mute it,” warned Dee.) and pointed it at the
characters.
"Hmmm...well, it is reading
ten percent out of character for Harry, and fifty percent for Dumbledore,"
he reported to Dee.
"Not bad, at least they got
Harry's reaction right. It must have been Dumbledore’s description of
Tom. Though I have a feeling it’s going to get worse.
"Move on, shall
we?" At that moment, Harry got up and ran out of the room. The
news was a bit too much for him, poor thing.
Even though he was in a human
disguise, old habits died hard. Milask went down on all fours and chased
after Harry, leaving Dee standing there in the office with her mouth opened.
"Wait! You
ca…but… Oh, damn cat." Dee muttered under her breath as she
ran after him, nearly tripping on the stairs. She hated running, hated
it, hated it, and hated it, almost as much as she hated fruit. Fruit was
bad.
Harry raced through the
corridors of Hogwarts completely ignoring the confused faces around him. He had
to get out of here. It was a joke.it had to be a joke.But Harry knew deep in
his heart that it wasn't. He was bound to Voldemort. He was bound to his
parent's murderer.
"Look, no spaces between
sentences!" Milask stated, terribly amused, though the person he was
directing it to was a whole corridor behind him.
"Just shut up and follow
him!" Dee yelled, almost out of breath.
Milask finally realized how
strange he must have looked and stood up quickly. “Hope no one saw that,”
and continued to run, considerably slower but on two legs.
Luckily, at that moment, Harry
stopped since Hermione was right in front of him. The students' eyes were
all turned towards the two, not paying attention to the agents.
"That was a close
one."
“Don’t…ever…” Dee managed to
gasp out as she finally caught up.
"What's wrong?
Harry?"
"Go away," Harry
growled coldly.
"What the hell is the
matter?"
"Nothing."
"Don't lie to me Harry
Potter!"
"Its nothing to do with
you."
"Were best
friends." started Hermione.
"Leave it! For once in your
life will you stop being such a nosy."
"For one thing," Dee
said, gasping and watching the scene, "Hermione doesn't cuss."
Milask pointed the CAD still in
his hand to the two canon characters. Harry degenerated another five
percent but Hermione, on the other hand….
[Hermione Granger. Human
Female. Canon. Out of Character 75%. COMPLETE CHARACTER
RUPTURE IMMINENT!!!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!!!] Dee
raised her eyebrows: Make Things had obviously been watching too much “Lost in
Space.”
And when Hermione slapped Harry,
her number went up to 83 percent. The CAD, had it not been muted, would
have probably shrilled its head off (if it had a head). Instead, it
started to heat up, causing Milask to throw his to the ground, where it
short-circuited and died.
"When will the authors
learn that friends don't slap each other when one is having a bad day?"
"When they learn that
Hermione is not a short-tempered know-it-all who slaps anyone who insults
her?" replied Dee. Then, remembering something, she turned and gave
Milask a slap upside the head.
Milask did a double take on
being hit. "Now, what was that for?" he asked, rubbing the spot
where she had hit him.
"For making me run and
since I can't hit Harry..." she said grumpily.
"Well, it is not my fault
that you don't have my feline physique.
"You're not a feline!
At least...not right...now," she said, looking him up and down. Damn
tall person (who used to be a cat). Actually...he didn't look too bad as
a human... Whoa, let’s not go there. Great, she really needed to get out
more, if she was started to find her partner attractive. Mental note, one
excursion into the “Lord of the Rings” continuum after this, Upstairs would
never have to know.
Glaring at each other, they both
turned back to the fic
But Harry had heard enough.
He turned and stormed away, leaving a pale and shaken Hermione to stand
watching him leave, shock and fear on her face. Then anger replaced the other
emotions and she breathed deeply.
"That's it! I'm sick of
your 'I'm The Boy Who Lived' attitude! How dar you speak to me like that! Until
you apologise we're no longer friends," she yelled after his retreating
back.
Harry showed no sign of
hearing her but inside he felt a deep sadness. I might as well get used to
this, he thought, after all, I'm bound to the person they all hate. Perhaps I
am a Slytherin at heart.the hat must have been right.
"Shouldn't Hat be
capitalized?"
"Yep," answered Dee as
she reached inside for her portal-generator. The crowd that had formed
around the two canon characters slowly began to disperse. "Let's go,
as I remember, Tom should be coming into the next chapter. The OOC-ness
is making me nauseous, and Dumbledore is getting worse."
"To chapter two
then!” They both stepped away from the crowd and walked into the portal.
* * *
"Wow look at the Great
Hall!" Milask's eyes bugged out at the sight. It was more impressive
personally, especially the ceiling.
"Aye, don't do that to your
eyes please, it's kinda spooky..."
Milask popped his eyes back into
their usual position and walked down and sat at the Gryffindor table.
"I'm sure Severus will
keep an eye on you so that you don't disappear while I go and meet Tom,"
Dumbledore winked before walking back out of the hall with what suspiciously
sounded like a chuckle.
"Dumbledore has Professor
Snape keep an eye on him?"
"Well, no one in this fic
has any sound judgement, that's for sure," said Dee as she started piling
food on her plate and eating. This was so much better than the PPC
cafeteria.
Milask grabbed as much fish as
possible and loaded it on his plate. "I'm going to eat you, I'm
going to eat you. Oh, too slow." This earned him a strange
look from his partner. She obviously hadn’t seen Red Dwarf.
Suddenly, the whole hall went
quiet as Voldemort, in his old teenage body but with red eyes (damn the
author), accompanied by a smiling Dumbledore, and walked in.
"Wait a sec, Voldemort is a
teenager? How in the world did that happen?" asked Milask
incredulously.
“Some spell that he set on
himself at 16 so that he could find love,” said Dee. The concept was
disgusting but the end result…that was another matter.
[Dumbledore. Human
Male. Canon. Out of Character 89% CHARACTER GOING GOING AND
STILL GOING!!!!] "Why is Dumbledore suddenly so happy to meet
Voldemort? Dear Eru those red eyes are scary." She then pointed
it towards Voldemort.
[Tom Riddle aka Voldemort.
Human Male. Canonnoncanoncanonnoncannoncanon] It made a noise
like a ambulance siren, causing everyone in the Great Hall to cover their
ears. She banged the device against the table. "This is not
good..."
"Turn it off, turn it
OFF," Milask tried to say quietly, though it came out as a shout.
Dee quickly pressed switched the
CAD to mute, but kept it in her hands, waving away the smoke that came from it.
From the view of the two agents,
it seemed that Voldemort was admiring Harry and trying to touch the poor
boy.
"Get away from him you
slimy...."
"At least he's a very
handsome slimy...” said Dee, threatening to trail off into luster mode.
"Will I have to report
you?" asked Milask, frowning.
"Perhaps Tom would like to
go with you to lessons today, Harry," smiled Dumbledore.
"No.."
"Nonsense, Harry. I'm
sure Tom would love to go."
Harry scowled again at the
Headmaster but Dumbledore ignored it easily, continuing to smile at them both
with affection. Dumbledore soon realised that Harry was in a mood and diverted
his attention to Tom who smiled charmingly.
"So Tom, how are your
Death Eaters lately?"
"What in the world…is
Dumbledore playing matchmaker now?" Dee said incredulously.
She didn't even want to look at how OOC he was, the thing probably would have
short-circuited.
"Why, why would Dumbledore
upset the whole school by having Voldemort run around in it? All I can
say is 'Go Harry!'"
Dee nodded in agreement.
"Is this making you sick or is it just me?"
"Lets look at the
crowd…Yep, everyone is sick." It was still silent and was obvious
that everyone in the hall could hear every word Tom and Harry were
saying. Some (mostly in the Slytherin table) were laughing amongst
themselves while everyone else just looked as if they were going to throw up.
"If we've got to be
together we may as well do it without trying to kill each other. I admit that I
find you attractive and the idea of being with you has grown on me. I prefer to
keep you where I can see you, after all, you are the only one who can defeat
me."
"I won't sleep with
you."
"We'll see,"
shrugged Tom, his eyes strangely piercing.
“We will have to do some
classes, and I don't have a wand!" Damn, and he would have loved to
have his own wand.
"Oh...whoops, forgot all
about that," said Dee weakly, still staring at the table.
"Don't worry, I don't think we'll need it. Besides, you can always
tackle people and steal their wands with your catlike reflexes."
"And ruin my robes? I
don't think so. Look, a crease!" Milask grabbed a mini iron
from his backpack (who knows what he was doing with it on a PPC mission) and
ironed the crease out of the robe.
"If you dirty them, you can
always lick the dirt off," said Dee, getting up. Protective urges
and Tom did belong in the same sentence. Though he was so incredibly hot
(though it was too bad he turned evil, such a waste) when he smiled, her inner
luster was very pleased.
Milask grabbed the back of her
robe and glared, "Stop that, you don't want to deal with the consequences."
"What? You started
it," she said, looking very innocent.
"Let’s move on, OK?"
"Okay, we can fast forward
through the classes. We just need one more affront to canon before the
exorcism. Get ready for a real mess..."
"Let me guess, the walk up
to the stairs to the new bedchamber?"
"Sadly yes. I am
going to have so many bad mental images before this is over."
"You and me both. I
don't want to even know what happens at the end of this fic."
"Well, Harry gets pregnant,
gets raped by Malfoy, gives birth to twins, and Snape is the godfather.
Other than that, nothing much happens." In the words of Lina
Holling, alas! What a mental image!
They walked out of the hall
(where Tom was still sneaking glances towards Harry, incredibly disturbing for
anyone watching) and went through a portal onto the next chapter, where it gets
worse. Cue the ominous dramatic music please...
* * *
"Moony's coming tonight
as well. We're the new Dark Art's Professors."
That year they had not had a
Dark Arts teacher. Harry suspected that Dumbledore had been hoping for Sirius
to be freed. He looked up suddenly, his lips parted in a silent question that
Sirius understood immedietly.
"Vol...Tom told the
Ministry that I was innocent. They could hardly say that Lord Voldemort was insane,"
he smiled.
“I tend to disagree on that
point,” said Milask.
[Sirius Black. Human
male. Canon. OOC 78% SEMI-COMPLETE CHARACTER
RUPTURE!!!! BEWARE!!!]
"Ok, first of all, who uses
secret nicknames for all to hear, and why are the students not afraid?"
"Chocolate?" asked
Dee. “Nothing in this story makes sense and it’s better to not analyze it
too much.” Chocolate is the answer to all your problems. When in
pain, have some chocolate.
"Yes, please. No, more than
that."
"Now, why would the ministry
believe Voldemort anyway, didn't they think Black was...Oh...Dear...Eru.”
Harry was obviously stunned. He
hesitantly moved forward and tried to give Tom a quick hug of thanks but Tom
had other ideas. He gripped Harry's slender waist and pulled him closer,
slipping a hand to the back of his neck and lowering his face to press his lips
to Harry's.
"My eyes, my eyes!
Must not gouge, must not gouge!" Milask cried, "What are they
going to do next?" He peeked out through the gap between his
fingers.
Dee furiously looked through her
bag. If chocolate didn’t work, use Bleeprin. "Ah! Do you
have any Bleeprin? I need something stronger than chocolate."
Milask started digging crazily
in his pack, "There must be some here…. NO! The agony, there
is no more left...."
And when there was no more
Bleeprin, start going crazy. "What! What did you do with
it! You just got here!" These were a few images that she could
do quite well without. Damnit, where was Leto Haven when you needed him?
"The training was just
horrible, I drank it every night!" Milask sighed, so many horrible
memories, but luckily, all forgotten. "I guess they cut me back and
didn't give me any on this go."
Breathing deeply, she glared at
him. "It couldn't possibly be that horrible, you survived didn't
you?"
"Because I didn't remember
it."
Dee turned back to the fic, but
not before uttering some curses underneath her breath that were too vulgar for
this type of PG rating.
"Please let us be nearing
the end!" said Milask, pleadingly.
"We're not even
close."
"Damn!"
That was a better way to say
thank you," he said easily, avoiding the disbelief in Harry's eyes and
sweeping towards the table to sit next to a beaming Dumbledore.
"Tom Riddle just kissed
me," stated Harry in disbelief.
"Yes," said Sirius,
a little amused by Harry's disbelief.
"Ewwwwww! I'm not
gay!"
"He isn't, but this fic
thinks differently. Poor Harry..." said Dee sadly.
"This hurts the head, I
wonder where his Godfather was during this all. I don't think that he
would ever let this happen…”
"Course not Harry,"
Sirius said soothingly, leading Harry towards the table.”
“Oh... I spoke to soon..."
"Do you want to end this
quickly and get it over with?" Asked Dee, this was just getting too
much. "Let's go."
"On to the tower,"
Milask said wondering, not for the first time why he chose this
continuum. Or why he accepted to be in this particular department.
Mental note, stop by the general store quickly after this is over.
* * *
After dinner Dumbledore calmly
told Harry that his belongings had been moved to a special flat designed for
his and Tom's use. Harry was instantly suspicious when he saw Dumbledore's
twinkling eyes and beaming smile.
He followed Dumbledore and
Sirius, Tom by his side. They headed to the top of the castle. Harry watched as
Dumbledore stopped by a painting of a young woman and waited for both Tom and
Harry to crowd around
"Oh, how original, a tower
room. I bet it has a breath-taking view," said Milask sarcastically
"And what's even more
original is the painting, three guesses on how you get into the tower,"
said Dee, equally sarcastic.
"Snake? Snake Speak?
Oh, oh wait, is it Parseltongue?" Milask asked, jumping up and down.
And sure enough, the portrait
opened (and we do mean open, as in splitting down the middle to reveal a
doorway). "Good guess." The two agents followed the
characters inside.
They were in a tower. The
room was round and large. The tower windows showed the Hogwarts grounds and the
sea.
At the mention of Hogwarts being
next to the sea, the canon lurched violently as if being pulled to one
direction. It seemed, to the agents, that the castle was moving westward
towards the sea. They both lost their balance.
"Well, there are enough
candles for the job here," said Milask, getting up very slowly.
"It's not bad looking
though..." said Dee, looking around while holding her stomach. That
chocolate and lunch was threatening to go in the wrong direction. "I
don't feel so good..."
"Here... I must have some
gravol in here somewhere..."
Again Harry followed
Dumbledore and Tom through another door and up another staircase. He was
unaware of Tom studying his bottom as he climbed the stairs. Tom was glad that
the robes he was wearing were loose. Harry was decidedly gorgeous and his body
caused Tom to have a reaction that he definetly didn't want to be seen.
"Now that is a description
that I really didn't want to hear about Harry or Voldemort," said Milask,
not bothering to hide his disturbed and very disgusted look.
"And here I thought Tom had
lost his sex drive after becoming Voldemort."
And the two agents followed the
canon characters as they were given a tour of the whole tower. Then, they
finally came into the bedroom where everyone knew what was about to happen when
Harry and Tom were left alone. Once again, cue the dramatic music...
Dumbledore and Sirius left
the room leaving a furiously blushing Harry and an amused Tom. Tom watched him,
noticing how the boy looked so innocent and pure in the candle light. He felt a
gentle tenderness towards him.
"Why don't you go and
have a bath?" he suggested softly.
Harry hastily slipped into the
bathroom, leaving Tom to stare in silence at the huge bed.
"Now?"
"Yes!" said Milask
excitedly. His first real exorcism, he hoped it wouldn't be too
messy. Blood on one’s clothes didn’t suit him one bit.
"Hello!"
Voldemort turned around and
quickly drew his wand. "Who are you? What are you doing
here?"
"Milask, get his
wand," said Dee calmly, giving him some rope and taking out some candles
and a copy of Goblet of Fire. "Oh, and be quiet about it, we
don't want Harry to find out just yet," she added as an afterthought
Milask smiled and pounced,
grabbing the wand. Then he quickly tied Voldemort’s hands behind is back
and then tied the character’s hands to his feet so that he couldn't move.
The sight was actually pretty comical since it wasn’t every day one would see
Tom Riddle/Voldemort tied up and incapacitated. Milask looked at his
stopwatch. "Ten second, a bit worse than my usual eight!” He
turned to the character, “Now, let's be civil here, you can get this back when
everything is back to normal," He said, waving the wand in front of
Voldemort’s face. "Like it’s supposed to be," he added dumbly.
"What do you think you're
doing here?" demanded Voldemort, looking fit to kill. If he had his
wand, he probably would have killed them. "Give that back to me at
once!" He was, after all, about to get some and didn’t want anyone
interrupting.
"Silencio!" Milask
pointed the wand at Voldemort, making him quiet instantly.
"Don't worry Tom, we're
going to make you all better in no time," said Dee, walking up to a very
enraged Tom Riddle. "Don't worry, this won't hurt. Well, maybe
a little..." She walked up to him, who glared at her angrily from
his laying position on the floor, then did what she was accustomed to doing,
exorcising. “Get the hell out, slash demon! The power of Rowling
compels you!” she shouted, and slammed the book down onto Tom’s chest. He
convulsed three times, then coughed and sat up, still in his teenage
body. He looked around, not having a clue where he was or what was going
on, a good thing for the two
agents.
"Now to get you back to
your normal age."
Just then, Harry decided to come
out of the bathroom (and in a towel no less) and he looked from agent to
another. Then, seeing his love interest on the floor all tied up, he ran
to him and looked at him in a way that made both agents sick all over
again. "Tom! What did you do to him?"
“Oh, nothing, we just fixed him,
" Milask commented casually. Then before Harry could react, he
jumped on him and held him behind his back. "A little help here
would be great!"
"You should have waited for
the rope," said Dee, coming over and tying Harry's arms and legs
together. "The girls at GryffindorTower.net are going to love
this.” Goodness knows how many times they dreamed about Harry Potter in a
towel. “Please stop staring at Tom like that Harry, it’s very
disturbing.”
After Dee finished tying up
Harry, Milask went over and picked up the book. "So it is 'by the
power of Rowling, or did I miss something?" That’s it, he was going
to take a little time off after this trip and do a lot of studying.
"It’s something like what I
just did."
"Ok I will give this a
try," Milask turned toward Harry. "Begone slash spirit!
By the ultimate power of Rowling, begone!" Milask ended by hitting
Harry on the chest with the book.
He spasmed a few times (not as
badly as Tom) and sat up, looking very dazed and confused.
"Here, have some chocolate,
Harry," Milask said. "I will get you back to your room-- you
will be okay here, right Dee?" He didn’t want to be there when she
exorcised away the author’s influence, who knew how messy that could get.
"I'll be fine; meet me in
the Great Hall when you're through. We need to neuralize everyone."
"Ok," with that Harry
and Milask disappeared though the portal, leaving Dee alone with a very
confused, and very tied up, Tom.
She sighed as she looked at him,
“Now, it’s just you, me, and the authoress. Oh, what a waste, you could
have made quite a career being a model.”
After the candles were lit and
arranged into a circle, with Tom in the center looking very bewildered, Dee
picked up her backpack and the copy of the book that Milask had dropped.
Opening it, she held it
up. “By the power of Rowling, I bid thee get your perverted ass
out! Begone foul authoress! You have done far too much damage and
can no longer hold any power here!” Then, she took the wand and stabbed it
in the centre of the circle. The circle glowed and a gust of wind blew
from out of nowhere (the room didn’t have any windows) and extinguished the
candles. A dark spirit rose from the circle, wailing miserably (causing
Dee to cover her ears in annoyance). “Oh shut up already you melodramatic
freak!” she shouted, fanning the spirit away with her book.
Suddenly, the tower started
shaking. “Oh damn!” It was collapsing upon itself. Dee
quickly got out her portal generator. “Morbilicorpus.” Tom’s body
started to levitate (it was better than carrying him) and she directed him into
the portal. The room was being stripped away to reveal nothing but
air. “Ah!” She quickly ran into the portal just as the last of the
room and the rest of the tower vanished.
* * *
It was morning and everyone was
sitting having breakfast, and also chattering of Tom Riddle and that very
disturbing scene that had happened the previous day between him and Harry.
"Is Harry okay?"
Dee asked as the portal closed behind her.
"Oh, he is fine. He
will just need a couple of days to get over that ordeal, though," Milask
said scanning the crowd. "Everyone is here?"
"Yep, even Sirius, we'll
need to get him out of here."
Together, they both walked up to
the teachers' table, where Harry was sitting and beside him was Tom's empty
seat.
"So, what did you end up
doing to Tom?"
She smiled, a rare one.
Alone with an incapacitated Riddle, what could have been better? Not that
she did anything to him, of course not… "I dropped him off at his
dad's gravesite, and he's back to normal, snakeface and all." Who
would ever sacrifice such a pretty face for that of a snake wannabe was beyond
her. It was all a simple Finite Incantatum.”
They got up and stood on top of
the teacher’s table. Milask turned to the students in the Hall, shouting,
"Everyone, if you will please look this way! Yes that means you down
there! That is great! Now, please look at my partner here and
everything will be fine!"
"Thank you.” Dee took
out the neutralizer. "If you would all look right here, all the
questions you have concerning Tom Riddle and Harry Potter will be answered.”
She pointed to the spot where the red light was supposed to flash,
"sunglasses, on."
They both took out a pair of
shades. Milask scanned the students and the teachers to make sure
everyone was looking. "Check."
"Two days should
it." And the button was pushed, producing a nice bright flash that
had everyone's eyes going glassy. "Now, you're all just settling
down having breakfast and nothing unusual at all has happened."
They got down from the
table. "Sirius, you come here," Milask said as they started
walking out of the hall.
Sirius, eyes still glassy,
nodded. He stood up and followed the two agents out as the student and
teachers started to recover their minds, but thankfully, not soon enough to see
him. “One Grimmauld Place, coming up,” said Milask as he took out his
portal generator.
* * *
Leto was just finishing up for
the day. Nothing was better than having the store all cleaned and the
minis sleeping in the corner. Saml was over with Sméagul: Milask had
asked him if he could keep Saml here for the day since it was his first day at
the PPC.
Unfortunately, Sméagul and Saml
never really got along with each other, probably due to their namesakes.
Leto had to keep them a couple of feet away from each other, lest they start
bickering--bickering would lead to fighting, and fighting would mean they
started burning down everything in sight (though the store was in the middle of
all plot holes and thus, easy to fix).
Still, he could not have
anything happen to his General Store. Where then would the PPC agents get
their chocolate and Bleeprin? No more of that would lead to unhappy agents
and unhappy agents led to a blood-hungry mob…
As he was shooing away Merry and
Pippin (this time they were trying to dress up as very short PPC agents), the
portal opened. In came Milask, looking much less clean and spiffy than
normal, and what must have been his new partner, looking very bedraggled and
extremely cranky. He recognized her immediately also, since she came here
almost daily for chocolate. How she ate them so fast, he would never know.
"Well, well, well! I
would say what did the cat drag in, but that would not be very appropriate
here!" Leto said to the two Agents
"Oh well, he fits the
description of one," said Dee.
"Well, did you have to be
so dramatic at the end there? A quick getaway would have been nice, but
no, I had to drag you away from Ron!" Milask said royally peeved
"Well, it wasn't my fault
he followed us out of the hall! He's so yummy! Though Hermione
looked as if she was going to kill me." She sighed, this had been a
bad mission but at least her inner luster was happy. "Ok Leto, give
me two...no...make it five boxes of chocolate and eight bottles of
Bleeprin," she said, remembering why they were there.
Leto was taken aback,
"Milask what fandom did you go into again?"
"Harry Potter, slash
department," was all that needed saying
Leto had to cringe.
"And someone here ran out of the precious Bleeprin in an hour of
need." Dee cast a glare at Milask, who glared back.
Leto looked guiltily at his
feet, “Um, we’re out of Bleeprin right now.”
"What do you mean you do not
have Bleeprin?" demanded Milask.
"Just an hour ago, some
agents from the Lord of the Rings slash department came though." He
waited for the mad outbursts to start.
"What!" shouted Dee,
making Leto cringe again. She looked as if she was going to start attacking
him. Milask looked as if he would start pouncing, damn catpeople
and their quick reflexes. He took a few steps back to be safe
"An order is coming in
tomorrow, I guess you will have to drink some of the Pink Stuff from Miss Bast
if you want the memories gone now," Leto said.
"I need something now or
else, I am going to sic Gabriel on you the moment she comes back from
OFUM!" shouted Dee
"Well… I do have a small
stash of Bleepto-dismal in the back for emergencies; I guess this is one of
them. But I’ll go after you if Miss Cam needs some and there is nothing
here." Leto ran to get the two bottles from the back.
He came back a minute later with
two small bottles of a very pink liquid. "Thank you, charge that to
my PPC credit card."
"Just remember to go back
to your office to drink those, I don't want to have the minis carry you
back!" Leto commented.
"Come on Saml," Milask
called to his mini-balrog. "Let's go, or do we need anything else
Dee?"
She looked at the boxes of
chocolate and the very pink stuff in her hand. "Nope, I think this
is going to last a while, until the next mission anyway. Thanks Leto,
I'll be back."
"See you soon, and don't
leave without at least a bottle of bleeprin next time!"
"See you around Leto,"
said Milask as they walked out the door and into a portal.
The two agents disappeared and
Leto went back to cleaning. Yep, just another day in the PPC General
Store, complete with demands, threats, and outbursts.
* * *
Read the original horror
here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1135101
Dee’s A/N: No offence to anyone
who may be a cat-person (sorry GreyLadyBast!), but it’s fun to poke fun at
Milask. He’s too sensitive, and vain…
Oh dear Eru that fic was
horrible! I mean, the concept was interesting, I’ll give the author
that. But…the characters… Thank goodness we didn’t go any farther
or else I might have gone nuts. Mpreg! There’s mpreg, that’s my number
one slash pet peeve right there! There is no way you can be pregnant if
you don’t have a uterus! When will slashers understand that? And
this was only the first mission! How much worse can it get? Excuse
me while I go take a drink out of my new bottle of Bleepto-dismal…
Milask’s A/N: Well I looked my
best for this day’s exorcism. The robes were pressed and wrinkle
free! But as for the sprits that were exorcized death to them.
Death, death, death! Harry and Voldermort are death enemies, Voldermort
does not want lovers, just servants! And I have to agree with Dee about
mpreg, which is just not possible! But alas, I read the whole fic.
Now I am off to find some Bleeprin or more Bleepto-dismal…