Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.
He writes:
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the
curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it
to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
Curry # 2: Apple Amy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now, and
got me more beer before I ignited. Barmaid pounded me on the back. Now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting plastered from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Babu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh beer refills; that 300 lb. dame is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes. My stomach exploded and the resultant fumes sent four people
behind me to hospital. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
curry had given me brain damage. Savathri saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and
peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. The results of my earlier gastric explosion spilled into my underwear
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Savathree. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
my lips anymore. I need to wipe my behind with a snow cone!
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like outflow to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
